APPEARED:
KNOWN AS: Hard-hitting journalist and author.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said one of her books was called "Gentlemen Prefer My Sister", but
sadly her sister wasn't available.
BEST QUOTE:
In
the Odd One Out round, she said that Bill Wyman, Jerry Lee Lewis and Roman
Polanski "all like their lovers to be divisible into their own ages by
about twenty."
ANECDOTES:
Revealed
that she asked Bill Wiggins why he was known as 'Bungalow Bill' and he replied:
"It's because I've got an enormous dick."
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Had
a glint in her eye and seemed to enjoy Paul's crazy world of new titles for game
shows, all centred around farmyard animals.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Although
very quiet in stages, Calman had some sharp lines in satire and came across as
very charming and earthly who seemed to particularly enjoy sitting alongside
Paul, who was in one of his more surreal moods. She answered the questions well
and, at the risk of deviating from the point, is one of the most beautiful
looking women to have appeared on the show. She was funnier than her fellow
guest, comedian Stephen Frost, who was having one of his off days.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? Yes.
For the right reasons - not just because she is very easy on the eye!
KNOWN AS:
Professional Mancunian who presented Channel 4's
much-maligned but hugely successful youth show "The Word". Now working in local radio.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Christian was a TV presenter who was always
determined to have the last 'word', so Channel 4 saw that he did.
BEST QUOTE:
Completed the headline '_____ RECORD INSPIRES THATCHER'
with "Graham Taylor's".
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: None.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Look at the sparseness of this analysis so far and
you've got the picture - Christian hardly said a word.
He didn't speak at all until the second round, then he mumbled
incoherently and incorrectly through his Odd One Out question and completed two
headlines, albeit amusingly, in the Missing Words round.
And that was literally it. For
someone who gabbed away incessantly for Manchester during his presenting days on
Channel 4, it was a hell of a surprise when he chose to barely contribute to the
show. As a figure of hate in many quarters, maybe he felt he
wouldn't get such a hard time from the regulars if he kept schtum, but anyone
with that attitude should be professional or cautious enough to refuse the
invitation to appear. Christian
took licence payers' money in his fee and then promptly said diddly squat. A shame, a travesty and a total waste of space and time.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Two.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Is that the sound of a barrel being scraped?
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former
BBC journalist and spokesman for Mohammed Al-Fayed and Harrods, now a talk show
host on satellite station UK Living.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Cole's talk show had just appeared on UK Living for the first time, though
we only had his word for that.
BEST QUOTE:
When
Paul was talking about sexual contact with a car exhaust pipe, Cole told him:
"Don't burn your lips."
ANECDOTES:
Was
asked a few questions but rarely got the chance to elaborate. When talking about
his time as a BBC reporter in Northern Ireland, he said he won an award but was
interrupted by Paul, who asked if it was for 'Best Hair'. Cole, who indeed
sported a rather bouncy and wavy hairstyle, then revealed he had a Black &
Decker Power Comb. Also admitted he could impersonate his old boss Al-Fayed but
didn't do the impression.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When
Cole hit back at Paul's sniping about his hair he then pretended to checked that
it was 'on straight'. Paul said: "That's never a wig. No-one in their right
mind would buy a wig that looked like that." He also made a rod for his own
back when he claimed to have a funny story about Barbara Cartland, to which Paul
interjected: "Let's not pre-judge it."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Paul
was well within his rights to question Cole's haircut. It was quite possibly the
most preposterous hairstyle the show has ever seen.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
At
first glance, Cole didn't seem to contribute a great amount to the programme.
But considering Paul was bang on form and the fantastic Gyles Brandreth was
putting in a glorious display on the other team, he didn't do too badly. He
answered the questions well and enjoyed a little playful banter about his hair
and his old job at Harrods. His problem was that he didn't seem comfortable in a
studio atmosphere and probably didn't relate to the humour of the show. He also
seemed to love himself a little too much, posing to the camera when he was
announced and being careful not to change his expressions too frequently.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Don't make it a priority.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former
member of pop duo the Communards who went on to become a critic for the Times
Literary Supplement.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
claimed that Coles had trodden a familiar career path by being a rock star and
then becoming a writer for the Times Literary Supplement and Catholic Herald.
BEST QUOTE:
On
a story about a Tory MP being allowed three days off to practice dentistry,
Coles said: "Perhaps they will allow Gyles Brandreth three days off a week
to practice being a wanker."
ANECDOTES:
None
about his rock star lifestyle. The only glimpse we got into his varied life was
that he had once been paintballing in Kettering.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Coles
laughed at Ian's impression of his former Communards partner Jimmy Somerville,
even having the good grace to not point out that Ian got the words wrong when he
sang.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
It
was a dull news week and a dull show and Coles, though not dull, seemed a little
bored by it all. Paul made him laugh a few times but once he got the early
Brandreth joke out of the way, Coles sat back and let the others do the talking,
only interjecting when absolutely necessary. One to forget, but more because of
the show's content rather than its contributors.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Maybe. He has a dryness about him, which can work providing the news stories are there to inspire it.
KNOWN
AS:
Modern art critic for a variety of publications.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said that as a modern art critic, Collings enjoyed spending his leisure
time staring at rubbish, so he had something in common with tonight's audience.
BEST QUOTE:
Asked whether he supported the anti-Turner Prize protestors, Collings responded:
"I was with them in spirit, but I was inside, out of the rain, with the
champagne people!"
ANECDOTES:
None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
A little, but he was up for it. He tried a long, convoluted reply about the
tedious fiasco which was developing in the States over the election of a new
president, so Paul took it upon himself to do his 'bemused' act (checking his
watch, staring into space etc) to keep the audience giggling as Collings bravely
battled through his theory. Also had to answer a lot of probing questions from
Ian over the validity of some of the artworks on show at the Turner Prize
exhibition.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Apart from his hellishly long sideburns, Collings is a dead ringer for previous
guest Andrew Morton.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
It's become as surefire as Germany winning penalty shoot-outs that in Turner
Prize week, an art critic or artist will be invited on to the programme.
Collings had a hard act to follow in that the audience was used to the insanely
endearing ramblings and idiosyncrasies and semi-bigotries of Brian Sewell, but
he did pretty well. He wasn't pompous or insulting, and he wasn't prone to using
'pseuds corner' language and gamely got through the show unabashed by the
half-hearted attempts by Paul to keep the amusement level up while he struggled
through his theories on the Turner Prize non-event. Collings also gave it his
all when answering other questions and had a right good laugh at Paul in a show
where no-one dominated and the news stories were generally weak. Collings
emerged with plenty of credit.
MARKS
OUT OF TEN:
Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Cutting satirist with columns in a variety of
newspapers down the years and a former editor of Punch magazine, the somewhat
ropey and inferior alternative to Private Eye.
Also a team captain on the BBC word quiz "Call My Bluff".
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus said
Coren was the TV critic for the Mail on Sunday and therefore the most
charming, intelligent and overall attractive man he had ever had the pleasure
of introducing; in the Election Special, Angus described him as "formerly
editor of Punch, formerly a magazine".
third time round, Angus made no specific references worth repeating; on
his fourth appearance, Angus said that the last time Coren was on the show, he
called his newspaper a "haddock sheet", as a result of which he was
reprimanded by haddocks everywhere.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking about the Cabinet
reshuffle in his second appearance, "The word 'shuffle' has never
been more appropriate has it? You
can see these buggers sidling in - 'would you like to be Home Secretary, Mr
Howard'? 'Oh, very agreeable, I'm
much obliged to you!' - then they shuffle out again."
ANECDOTES:
Told in the Election Special how PR agents for each of the main political parties called him to put him on their respective party's celebrity endorsement list. Coren claimed he was on them all so he could get 'a hot dinner here and a chat there, and mixing with nobs like Prunella Scales'.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? Not at all. He's
too sharp and intellectual and has no skeletons. They wouldn't dare.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Coren's knowledge of the political world and all its
flaws and fiascos, coupled with his absolute impartiality when it comes to
slamming politicians, would make him an ideal permanent replacement for Ian
should he ever decide to quit the show.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Coren is always a delight to
listen to when in full flow and on his four appearances, he never let us down.
He has an edge to his humour and devastatingly quick wit which was
shown on a number of occasions. A
man who has lived, you could sense a great respect for him from the three
regulars which was fully deserved.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight; nine; nine; and seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Absolutely. He
will always have something memorable to say.
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 7 (with Paul Merton) 1990
KNOWN AS: Former editor of Punch magazine who now broadcasts on BBC Radio 2.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Political and social columnist for a variety of newspapers. Fought for many
years against cancer of the throat and tongue and raised much-needed awareness
of the disease in the process with a series of columns in the Times about his
battle. He died in 2001.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus read through a long list of newspapers Diamond had worked for, including
the Daily Mirror, and claimed that he needed all the work he could get as he was
still on the Mirror's pension scheme.
BEST QUOTE:
On the Bishop of Galway's lovechild, Diamond said: "The Pope was very
upset. And so was Mrs Pope, obviously."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not really, although after claiming that Princess Diana looked like a tree, he
was shot down by fellow guest Harry Enfield who retorted: "Come on, you
would given half the chance. Be honest."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Was relatively quiet throughout the show though was quick to laugh at other
people's comments, and seemed to enjoy Paul's wild fantasies about the Bishop of
Galway. Drank a lot of water.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Diamond performed admirably enough though took a while to settle in, eventually
getting up to tournament pitch towards the end with some amusing answers in the
Missing Words round. He had a selection of witticisms which hit home well and
his timing was terrific. His death at the age of 47 in 2001 was tragic, but his
legacy will be the philosophical and frank insights he gave into being a cancer
patient with the book and the series of columns he wrote throughout his
treatment. He will be sorely missed.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Eight and a half.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
One
half of rotund TV chefs the Two Fat Ladies. A former alcoholic who now happily
satirises her former habit.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said she had claimed to have eaten everything from squirrels to testicles,
leaving only a couple of vol-au-vents in the BBC canteen.
BEST QUOTE:
When
told by Ian she couldn't be a mason as she was female, she she replied:
"You could be a mason-ette, surely?"
ANECDOTES:
Managed
to imply a shady past on the part of her former university colleague Jack Straw
involving illicit substances without actually making any outright claims. Ian
soon remedied that!
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Angus
rather cruelly said she was fond of butter but could sometimes squeeze out of
the sidecar without it. She brilliantly replied with some menace: "I'll see
you in the car park."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Possessed
a keen brain and a sharp sense of humour and was helped by her knack of not
taking herself too seriously. Flirted with Paul and made him laugh a lot, and
gave the show plenty of fizz.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Dickson-Wright was great fun to watch,
unafraid to vent her opinions and adamant that the three regulars would not
outwit her, which they never did. With the somewhat introverted Peter Hitchens
on the other side, she needed to perform well to make the show watchable and did
that with gusto, spontaneity and charm. For a woman not employed to be funny,
she proved very amusing indeed and was quite prepared to laugh at herself.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? Yes. She was great value.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Founder
and editor of the bi-monthly adult comic 'Viz', which recently celebrated it's
20th birthday. Also a proud and
renowned trainspotter.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus quoted Donald as saying that the show was too clever and too smug, to
which Angus could only say (something very complicated in Latin)
BEST QUOTE:
On the transparent frock worn by Emma Noble to the BAFTA awards, he said, "'Chuck yourself on a lace curtain so everyone
can see your tits' and then she'd have gone out and bought a sensible dress
from Marks and Spencers!"
ANECDOTES:
Revealed that his dad used to call the DUP leader Ian "have a banana"
Paisley but couldn't and didn't explain why.
His dad also used to work for Cardinal Hulme's mother, and he admitted in
a brilliant Missing Words round that he remembered the answer to one question
because it was the same number as a train.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Light and brief fun-poking from Ian about his love for trainspotting, and
equally light-hearted jibes from Angus over Viz's decision to advertise
something called "The Heritage Breakfast Showcase" - a tiny unit used
to display single flakes of different cereals.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Seemed to enjoy Paul's company, particularly when his captain produced a copy of
'Viz' in order to read out a letter slagging off Angus.
When asked by the host if he wrote that letter, Donald replied: "I
think I edited that one!"
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Probably the driest guest in the show's history but remarkably funny with it,
Donald was a joy to watch and listen to. He
had all the facts he needed about the week's news (and some he probably didn't
need, which was a bonus) but also had a sledgehammer sense of put-down which
amused all the guests and particularly the audience, to the extent that when his
team won, Paul was loud and genuine in his words of "well done" as
Angus announced the final scores. The
two were on the same, down-to-earth wavelength and it made great telly.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes.
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