APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Former GP who is now a medical journalist for a variety of publications and
occasionally dabbles in stand-up comedy.
Was a team captain on Channel 5 comedy health quiz "Tibs &
Fibs."
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus said they got the GP to turn up this evening by calling
him at two o'clock in the afternoon; on his second appearance, Angus said
Hammond's most embarrassing moment as a doctor was having to examine a woman
wearing crotchless panties, though they didn't know what the patient had on.
BEST QUOTE:
On Cherie Blair giving birth, he said: "They're selling the photos at five
hundred pounds a pop, those horribly sanitised photos.
I think if I paid five hundred pounds I'd want an 'action shot'."
ANECDOTES:
Revealed that whenever a pilot asks in a medical urgency if there was a doctor
on the plane, most doctors tend to hide rather than step forward.
He also asked Ian if he had a rectal examination before his appendix
surgery, as doctors only give rectals to people they particularly dislike.
Told of how after he had mentioned the size of Angus's facial mole during
his first appearance, a patient had his own mole checked out and was saved from
potential skin cancer, which got a round of applause from the audience.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Paul hit back at him when Hammond was talking about cloning for cosmetic
purposes, using sly digs at Ian and Angus by using as examples the removal of a
"Jimmy Somerville lookalike" gene or a "facial
mole" gene from family histories.
Paul said you could also remove the gene which stopped your family
producing people who looked like the Milkybar Kid.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
None.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Hammond is a consummate medical man who will always prove a great asset during a
news week when the health of the nation is on the front pages, as not only does
he bring his own skills and qualifications to the debate, but also a great
drollness and sarcasm.
During his second appearance, he spoke a hell of a lot as it was a week
in which a high-profile childbirth had taken place, as well as a debate on human
cloning, and he didn't let anyone down - far from it.
An intelligent and understatedly humorous man, he proved to be an
excellent guest, and was also undeterred from taking an active role on questions
which didn't involve the medical profession.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Nine and nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes, and they will whenever medicine is at the forefront of the news.
There is no-one else who combines the qualifications and the humour quite
like he does.
Vincent
HANNA (Deceased)
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Political
commentator and reporter for the BBC and later Channel 4, with whom he was
employed at the time of his death from a heart attack in 1997. Once famously
appeared as one of his own ancestors in an episode of Blackadder.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Hanna was a journalist and election pundit, so at the end of each round
expect two hours of analysis on what the result would mean if applied to the
rest of the country.
BEST QUOTE:
When
asked what a BBC talking lift would say, he replied (in unison with Paul):
"I am a lift!"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
was the only 'respected' TV reporter in the show's history prepared to use
colourful language, with his use of the expressions 'piss off' and 'shagged',
which was extremely refreshing. Can't imagine John Simpson doing that.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Hanna's
death at way too young an age was a great loss to the world of political
journalism and on the strength of this performance, an obvious loss to general
wisdom, wit and respect. He was outstanding in a terrific episode in which
fellow guest Tony Hawks was also having a good day. Hanna was fun, relaxed,
showed no signs of highbrowness and commanded respect from all, as well as being
thorough and fascinating when answering questions not associated with his
specialist subject. May this great man rest in peace. We all have endless
repeats of that wonderful 'Blackadder' episode to remind us of him.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 3 (with Paul Merton) 1990
KNOWN AS:
Author,
political journalist and commentator for both newspapers and TV.
At the time of his appearances, he was working for The Sunday Times.
INTRODUCTION:
No
details of his first appearance; second time round, Angus said Harris was the
author of "Selling Hitler" and someone who had been on the show
before, so he obviously didn't learn from experience.
BEST QUOTE:
Completed
the headline HARRY AND WILLS GO ON ______ IN DISGUISE with "Childline".
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
In
his first appearance, footage of him as a political TV reporter following
Margaret Thatcher at election time was shown, in which she noticed him talking
to camera and proceeded to follow him around rather than him follow her.
He looked a little embarrassed by this, but took it well.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: None.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Harris
was a terrific guest without ever being truly spectacular.
He settled in very quickly considering his first appearance was as the
last-minute replacement for the serial deserter Roy Hattersley, and couple that
with the fact that the show was only three episodes old, he could have
struggled.
He didn't, and his second appearance was more than justified, though
there is a suspicion that he was invited back because other people were refusing
to go on.
This is no detriment to Harris, who was more than worthy of his
invitation, but there was a big amount of guest repetition during the first two
series.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
If he's still around, then there's no reason not to. The Webmaster hasn't seen or heard anything about him since his last appearance.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former
Labour councillor with militant principles at Liverpool City Council, now
working as a phone-in host on the former Talk Radio, recently re-branded as
talkSPORT.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted Hatton as saying that people could put him in a six foot hole and throw
stones at him and he'd still say everything he did was right - so if you'd all
like to form a queue...
BEST QUOTE:
When
given an Odd One Out question which featured all four members of the Thatcher
family, he replied: "The obvious answer is that they're ALL odd."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Tried
to crack a weak pun about Cecil Parkinson but the joke died, which prompted Paul
to tell him to "cut to the song".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
clearly loathed fellow guest Edwina Currie and looked pained when she revealed
the two were at school together.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Hatton
is intelligent, experienced, battle-hardened and opinionated. Unfortunately, he
isn't funny, yet he tried to be a little too often. Maybe it was easier to be
funny, as a Thatcher special has plenty of scope for gags than some
run-of-the-mill shows, but it rarely, if ever, worked for him. But when he did
settle down and answer the questions without trying to raise a laugh, he did
well.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
It
may be worth seeing how he'd fare on a show which had a variety of stories,
particularly as there is now a Labour government, albeit one which does not
share his hard left views. Perhaps he's worth another stab.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Right-wing
political columnist for the Express, a self-confessed 'hounder' of left-wing
politicians.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
made a reference to Hitchens' brother, also a journalist, which would have meant
nothing to non-Express readers.
BEST QUOTE:
Said
that the NATO flying weapon used in Kosovo, the Apache helicopter, was
"named after a group of peoples ethnically cleansed by the United States
Army."
ANECDOTES:
Told
of his desire to hound left-wing politicians, with Neil Kinnock and Tony Blair
on his hit list in the past, adding that journalists aren't allowed to hound but
he still does it.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not
directly, though looked embarrassed, however, when a man of his intellect and
reputation was forced to answer a question about women buying melons according
to their breast size.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Though
he paints a grave picture of life in his columns, had the grace to laugh
regularly and lightened up considerably as the show progressed.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Hitchens
is a regular guest on "Question Time" and seemed to forget initially
that he wasn't on that programme. But he used his natural dryness well and was
noticeably more light-hearted by the end, inspired possibly by the charismatic
efforts of his intellectual equal Clarissa Dickson-Wright on the other side.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Probably not. Cynical or melancholy
journalists are usually worth the show fee, but overall he was a little too
sombre.
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 5 (with Paul Merton) 1990
KNOWN AS: Political journalist for the Guardian, regularly a guest on the BBC1's Westminster coverage.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Merciless
pursuer of politicians on BBC1's "On The Record" and a regular host of
Radio 4's "Today" programme.
Famously wants to become the first journalist to interview the Queen.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus quoted Humphrys as saying "you can't even let your concentration slip
for 15 seconds when you're doing a television broadcast", so please
welcome...er...
BEST QUOTE: "Why is there only one Monopolies Commission?"
ANECDOTES:
Humphrys said he missed John Major, because of the sheer unpredictability of his
interviews, then quoting an absurd paradox which Major came out with during one
such interview.
Humphrys also revealed, through two Odd One Out questions, that he never
went to university and that he despised 'muzac'.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
In his serious role on TV he rarely is required to smile, but Humphrys was to
frequently reveal one of the widest smiles ever seen on the show.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Humphrys is hated and respected by politicians because of the awkward grillings
he gives them each week on his TV show, but he showed in his appearance that he
had wit, charm, a down-to-earth nature and a top-line sense of humour, which was
regularly exposed as he was sitting next to Paul on a day when the captain was
in tip-top form.
With the cynical and
incessantly quick-speaking pairing of Ian and guest Will Self sitting opposite,
Humphrys could easily have been left behind in the humour stakes but wasn't at
all, and that was to his utmost credit.
Not as outstanding as fellow political hack John Sergeant, but a close
second all the same.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Yes.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Eccentric
founder and ex-editor of Private Eye, later to become boss at mature persons
magazine The Oldie.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Ingrams was editing Private Eye when Ian was still in platform boots and
hot pants - a couple of years ago, in fact.
BEST QUOTE:
Asked
to identify the story behind the headline "KOSHER MONKEYS", he said:
"I think it has something to do with Michael Jackson going to Robert
Maxwell's funeral."
ANECDOTES:
There
was one, but it was Ian who told it - a wonderful, elongated story about how
Ingrams stitched up gossip journalist Nigel Dempster, who ran a story about
Ingrams dating high-class call girl Pamella Bordes without realising that
Ingrams had anonymously given him the tip-off himself.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
With
the Private Eye boss sitting alongside his mentor, it was like watching a
reunion between a long-lost father and son, with lots of backslapping and false
laughter.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
His
magazine may have been funny in print during his editorship but Ingrams as a
personality has one of those annoying combinations to his make-up - an unfunny
person who thinks he's hilarious. With Ian encouraging his father figure
alongside him, it became one of the dullest episodes in the show's history,
saved only by Angus's monologues and Paul's occasional chuck-in line.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Three.
If only for the Michael Jackson quote - the only thing he said which faintly
resembled humour, despite his plummy laughter at practically everything else he
uttered.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? If they do, the show is ready to die, so
they'd better not!
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Eton-educated, pompous, babbling, buffoonish but utterly lovable editor of The
Spectator. Used to be a columnist
for the Daily Telegraph and a contributor to Radio 4. In 2000, he became the Conservative candidate to replace
Michael Heseltine as MP for Henley at the next General Election, having
previously tried and failed to win a seat in Wales.
INTRODUCTIONS:
On his first appearance, Angus said Johnson had taken a year off from the
Telegraph in 1997 to spend some time on his own, as he was a Conservative
candidate in Wales; second time round, Angus quoted him as saying he never
intended to be a journalist, and that he has fulfilled that intention.
BEST QUOTE:
During a question about fine art he said in suitably patronising fashion:
"Carpenters - what do they know about beds?" which caused Ian to
absolutely corpse.
ANECDOTES:
Johnson was forced into talking about his own father dressing as a turtle at the
protest against the World Trade Organisation convention in Seattle.
He also said he was aghast when he found out from a headmistress that
schoolboys don't polish their shoes any more.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Jesus - where do you start? In his
first appearance, he was ritually humiliated by Ian over his association with
convicted fraudster and former school friend Darius Guppy. Ian, having answered an Odd One Out question about people who
were covertly recorded, turned on Johnson and forced him to tell all about he
was taped having a discussion with Guppy concerning how to get hold of and beat
up a journalist who was looking into Guppy's affairs. He was defended to an extent by Paul, who said that as
Johnson didn't give the information Guppy needed, the journalist was unharmed,
though Johnson was livid and shuffled uncomfortably in his seat.
During his second appearance, Johnson was rounded upon rather less coldly
by Ian about his employment of Greek ex-con Taki as a columnist on The
Spectator, with Ian constantly suggesting Taki should be sacked for being awful.
Johnson tried to defend his employee but with little success.
Paul also had a go at Johnson about his decision to re-appear on the show
having claimed after his previous guesting that it was rehearsed.
Johnson apologised immediately and Paul graciously relented.
Johnson was also embarrassed when two Odd One Out questions both referred
to him - one about his Eton schooldays and the other about his sacking by the
BBC for being too posh. And for
good measure, fellow guest on both occasions Janet Street-Porter accused him of
'classism' and shot him down for correcting her grammar.
The man was hardly left alone.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Johnson constantly played with his unkempt blonde hair during the show,
particularly when under verbal pressure. Has
a tendency to mutter under his breath when unsure of what to say.
He also sometimes didn't get the joke, but he did so in an amusing and
likeable way. And why can't he keep
his tie straight?
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
If ever the expression "glutton for punishment" could be applied to
one individual, it would be handed to Johnson.
The poor bloke has had little but grief from the regulars (and from Janet
Street-Porter, his co-guest on both occasions) without ever really deserving it.
Sometimes his silver-spoon background, with puffed-cheek accent to match,
gets him into trouble, making him his own worst enemy, and when you have a
tendency to open mouth before engaging brain, you can and will be mercilessly
slapped down. Ian was unnecessarily
cruel to him over the Guppy affair and Johnson was seething and claiming a
stitch-up, though calmed down when Paul backed up his claim that he wasn't at
fault. The rest of the time though,
Johnson took the jibes and pokes in his stride, knowing he was a figure of fun,
and did his best to retort, not always unsuccessfully.
Under all the repartee, the regulars love him really.
His two appearances are the stuff of legend - when news broke of his
impending parliamentary candidature for Henley recently, he was described as
"the star of 'Have I Got News For You'" on the strength of just two
appearances from nearly 200 episodes. That's
quality for you.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and
nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes,
of course. He may be eccentric and
an utter buffoon, but he is great value and extremely funny, even when he
doesn't intend to be
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 5, (with Ian Hislop) 1990
KNOWN AS: Columnist in a variety of publications, a former comedy singer.
KNOWN
AS:
A mainstay of breakfast television on ITV, now presenting the closing post-9am
section of GMTV after years of anchoring and reporting for its predecessor,
TV-AM.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Kelly was a GMTV presenter who had interviewed Gore Vidal and Norma
Major and managed to extract some hard-hitting recipes from both of them.
BEST QUOTE:
On the 'pregnant voting chad' issue amidst the US election saga, it was pointed
out that Americans have a problem with the word 'pregnant', so Kelly
wondered why they advertised pile cream without any hang-ups. When Angus said
they were two different things, Kelly retorted: "No. Believe you me, the
two go together!"
ANECDOTES:
Revealed that her wedding snaps were in OK! magazine but she didn't get paid for
them.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian had a sly stab at her, claiming that she doesn't write her column in the
Sun. Also got flustered by Paul after a deliberate misunderstanding caused him
to ask whether she had married her own father.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Great giggle.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Kelly will have gained a lot of admirers from this display, while also proving
again that TV faces, whose careers are based on tight scripting, can sport a
great sense of humour and an undoubted sharpness. Kelly had both in abundance,
even pre-empting some of Paul's swift witticisms along the way, which is a hell
of an achievement. Nice cleavage and that gorgeous Scottish drawl also added to
a memorable performance all round.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
Yes, and they probably will.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Music
manager, producer, occasional performer and co-ordinator, particularly
associated with finding Britain's annual entry in the Eurovision Song Contest.
Former host of BBC2's 'Entertainment USA'.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said King was a music guru who once described himself as having no musical
talent, so who better to be put in charge of Britain's Eurovision Song Contest
entry.
BEST QUOTE:
Asked
by Ian if he was disappointed that Britain only came second to Israel at
Eurovision, King replied: "Not really. I had twenty quid on the Israeli to
win at 20-1."
ANECDOTES:
Told
of how he went to interview Margaret Thatcher at Downing Street and asked her to
name her favourite songs, so she started singing 'How Much Is That Doggy In The
Window' which he got on film and used at the BRITS.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
After
a debate about the pronunciation of Ian's old college, King said he went to
Trinity at Cambridge, which was easily pronounced. Angus snapped back:
"Easily forgotten too."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
wore a cream baseball cap, and remains the only panellist ever to wear a form of
headgear on the show.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
King
was exceptional when you consider that the wonderful John Sergeant, whom Ian
admitted recently was his favourite of all the guests, was sitting opposite and
being very dominant. King knew the answers, joined in the debates and witticisms
and was quite humble too in his admission that he was responsible for the
success of a couple of bands. He has been a figure of fun over the years, but
everyone warmed to him enormously.
MARKS
OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Yes.
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