APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Award-winning
sports journalist with the Daily Telegraph and presenter of his own chat show on
BBC1 in the 70s and 80s, which was revived
in 1998.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Parkinson was a former talk show host who got fed up of guests just coming
on TV to plug their book, something which you could
read about in 'The Best Of Parkinson'.
BEST QUOTE:
On
how he and a co-presenter of a radio show were interrupted by a naked Oliver
Reed in the studio, he said: "Elaine Strich was in the middle of an
anecdote and she turned round and with perfect timing said 'My dear Ollie - and
friend!'"
ANECDOTES:
See
above. Also admitted he got a chauffeur-driven car to the studios after one taxi
driver too many asked him where Emu was. He also said
that the bird went for Billy Connolly, another guest on the night Parkinson was
infamously attacked by Emu, who grabbed its neck and said: "I'll break your
neck and his bloody arm!"
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
has since said in his revived talk show that he has a huge admiration for Paul,
which was shown in the amount of times Parkinson could do nothing but laugh at
his captain's ramblings. He was also inevitably referred to affectionately as 'Parky'
on a couple of occasions, and had his famous theme tune played three times for
him - once when he was introduced, once for a special talk show round, and once
for when he and Paul were announced as the winners.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Parkinson
is a very dry, understated man but has a first-class sense of humour, which
sparkled in the studio as all four of the others were in tip-top form, leaving
Parkinson doing little more than laugh in his familiar way. But when that man
decided he was going to tell a story, everyone instantly clammed up to listen, a
sign of just how much respect there is for one of the BBC's most underrated
broadcasters and by
far the best British talk show host in the history of the genre. He and his
shows are a huge favourite of the Webmaster, so on this occasion - who needs
jokes? The very name of Michael Parkinson guarantees quality television
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Yes.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former Conservative MP who later became a top-line
political commentator for a variety of newspapers, and who famously 'outed'
Peter Mandelson during a live debate on BBC2's 'Newsnight'
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said that Parris's life changed when LWT offered
him Brian Walden's job, saying he could start the following year or when Brian
Walden finished his sentence, whichever was the sooner.
BEST QUOTE:
On seeing footage of Richard Branson's constant failed
attempts to circumnavigate the globe in a hot-air balloon, Parris said:
"It's a promotional video by Virgin trains, explaining why the cost of a
rail fare to Manchester keeps going up all the time."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
No, surprisingly.
Just being a Conservative would normally inspire Ian to having a pop, but
Parris went unscathed.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He achieved that rare beast - having information which
meant that an answer which Angus had written down for a question was wrong.
Parris claimed he had been in the same room as Michael Howard and
remained seated throughout, even though Angus had just said that Howard demanded
that everyone rise to their feet when he entered a room.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
The last episode of the series was a damp squib and
no-one really shone out, so Parris can feel aggrieved that his known wit and
willingness to stab or shame anyone in politics wasn't able to come out.
He had his moments, but spent most of the show smiling, and in the end he
was unremarkable in an episode not earmarked for the list of all-time classics.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Good God, yes. He has some questions to answer about his outing of Mandelson! That's if the BBC would allow it, though...
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Journalist,
author and critic, best known for his weekly column in the Daily Mirror and his
regular guest appearances on BBC2 arts programme "The Late Show".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Parsons expounded his controversial views to millions through his Daily
Mirror column or to just a few family and friends via his TV show.
BEST
QUOTE:
On
a man who savagely beat up his girlfriend, he said: "The guy who beat up
the girl should remain nameless. His name was Alex Fryatt." He then
repeated the name several times to make sure everyone heard it, before then
spelling it out: "That's A-L-E-X..."
ANECDOTES:
None.
GIVEN
A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER
OBSERVATIONS: Shiny silver suit and a very wide grin!
COMMENTS
FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Parsons,
like his political opposite Richard Littlejohn, is a first-rate tabloid
columnist on life matters but unlike his counterpart, he doesn't seem totally at
ease with relaying his spontaneity in speech form as well as he can at his
computer. This was a shame, because he did his best to get involved in what was
not a totally outstanding episode but in the end, was way too quiet to make a
proper impact.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Benefit of the doubt says yes. He may just have had an off-day.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Eccentric bespectacled half of
rotund TV chefs Two Fat Ladies. Died of lung cancer in 1999.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Paterson once served
pork to the Israeli ambassador, though made up for it by drying up with Yasser
Arafat's tea towel.
BEST QUOTE:
On corporal punishment, she said:
"I was beaten with a Mason Pearson hairbrush, and it broke in two, so I
looked at my mother and I said: 'See?'"
ANECDOTES:
See above. Also revealed that she
was a childless spinster, though she and Paul still managed a good routine as a
long-lost mother and son.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not really. A few playful jibes
were aimed, as ever, but nothing worth elaborating upon.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
When confronted with some Russian
words, she read them back fluently and expertly, which gained a round of
applause. She did say "oh!" a lot in her unique voice, and gave Paul a
gentle scolding slap when he used the expression "shit yourself".
Paul's reply? "Sorry Mum."
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
It was such a sad day when
Paterson lost her battle with cancer. She was engaging, lively, unique and
possessed a drollness and dry charm which shone through her appearance just as
much as it did on her regular TV shows. Paul bantered with her, Ian laughed with
her and Angus flirted with her to the extent that fellow guest Alan Davies felt
the need to point it out. She was a fascinating woman with a colourful life and
her personality lifted the show to give the series a fitting crescendo, being as
it was the last of 1996. She knew the answers, but was teasing in her replies,
and had a jolly good laugh along the way. A marvellous lady, and may she, like
the other four guests who have since passed on, rest in peace.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Broadcaster
and former Marxist who briefly ran as a potential Labour candidate for Mayor of
London, later becoming part of Frank Dobson's electoral team.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Phillips would never win the Labour nomination for Mayor as his children
were privately educated, though it made him an ideal candidate for party leader.
BEST QUOTE:
"Bill
Clinton is a little unsettled, as he got an eleventh commandment from God saying
'Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff'."
ANECDOTES:
Told
of how during his student days he danced with the Queen Mother at a function,
and she told him Marx was a "romantic fool".
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When
discussing the Mayor's purpose-built offices, Phillips said he wouldn't have to
live there, sparking a tease from Ian about standing up to Tony Blair and saying
"No, Tony!"
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: He probably got on better with Ian than any of the
captain's previous partners, apart from Richard Ingrams.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Phillips had clearly done his research and
prepared some gags on the stories which were certain to be discussed on the
programme. He showed a great wit and took the playful jibing about his unlikely
candidature for Mayor with consummate ease.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD HE BE INVITED BACK?
Yes,
though it's unlikely as the suspicion is he was only on the show because of his
candidature. Now, with only his broadcasting career on the agenda, there is less
chance of him getting the call. However, he was an excellent guest and his sense
of humour would not have gone unnoticed by the programme makers.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Australian
journalist who was Managing Editor of Mirror Group Newspapers at the time of her
appearance. She became a spin doctor for the Conservative Party in 1999 and also
writes fiction.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said she was in charge of all the money at the Mirror Group since Robert Maxwell
left, which didn't take up much time.
BEST QUOTE:
"The
Prince of Wales is considering adopting the whale as one of his mascots because
he feels he has a lot in common with them. Basically, they're an endangered
species and everyone's out to spear them. But whales also mate for life, so he
has a bit of a problem with that one."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Was
teased by Ian over the left-wing Mirror's decision to splash a front page story
about Bananarama at a time when the Conservatives were losing seats everywhere
in local and European elections.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Has
an enormously sexy laugh, which was used plentifully as it was the week after
Caroline Quentin's infamous 'sleeping with Angus' appearance and Paul had
decided to continue the joke. Every possible innuendo was raked off the floor
and the use of the expression 'give her one', normally referring to points, was
very prevalent and Platell was guffawing on a frequent basis.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
At
the risk of sounding shallow, Platell is completely gorgeous, but the Webmaster
will do his best not to let his fantasies override his need to given an honest
and impartial view of her performance. It's difficult though. However, she
answered the questions well and for a woman in one of the most stressful jobs in
journalism after the Maxwell debacle, she appeared relaxed and knew the basis of
the show, accepting gags about the newspaper she worked for as par for the
course. She was a little quiet in spells, but overall came across as a pleasant,
intelligent person. She got on superbly with Paul. Call the Webmaster biased if
you wish, but he is trying not to be!
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? Yes. Not only because she is nice to look at,
but also because she has a much-maligned job as the woman now trying to improve
the image and standing of the Conservative Party. She would never return to the
show while in that job, but would come back if and when she moves elsewhere.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Former
editor of the Express and agony aunt for a variety of newspapers. Also
a regular on light-hearted game shows such as BBC1's "Through The
Keyhole".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Pollard was a journalist who left the Sunday Mirror while Robert Maxwell
was still in charge but fortunately managed to transfer her pension funds to
Barings just in time.
BEST QUOTE:
"You
can always tell when someone is going to leave a newspaper because they get
'What Car?', because they know their car is going to be improved."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
She
is a frequent victim in Private Eye's column about goings-on in Fleet Street -
nicknames include 'La Bollard' and 'Milady' - but Ian left her alone.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Got
a skilful and rapid plug in for her book about tips for the bedroom after Angus
revealed that extracts from it, as featured in her agony column, would be the
Guest Publication.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Affable
and likeable she may have been, but it wasn't a spectacular performance from
Pollard, or indeed anyone else, in what was a forgettable episode.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
Her publishing company recently collapsed, so she may need the money!
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 4 (with Paul Merton) 1990
KNOWN AS: Literary critic for the Daily Telegraph.
KNOWN
AS:
Political journalist and columnist for a variety of newspapers, best known for
his work on the Observer.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Rawnsley's recent book on New Labour caused Gordon Brown some
considerable personal pain, as he had to spend £17.99 to find out what was in
it.
BEST QUOTE:
On Euan Blair's influence on his father over environmental issues, Rawnsley
said: "The lesson to any member of the Cabinet is to hang around Leicester
Square looking out for Euan, take him out for a drink and bend his ear and then
it'll become Government policy."
ANECDOTES:
None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian tried to probe Rawnsley over the sources for his book, with particular
attention paid to the mystery person who said Gordon Brown was
"psychologically flawed" but Rawnsley wouldn't budge.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Despite the interest in the contents of his book, which caused quite a storm,
Rawnsley was very cagey over discussing it and had clearly developed a skill of
avoiding closed questioning. Despite his best efforts, Ian got nowhere with him.
Amazing amount of gel in his hair.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Rawnsley comes across as a rather posh, plummy sort, but showed no pompous
traits at all as he joked along with the rest of the crowd, adding his own
witticisms at careful junctures while appreciating the humour of Paul, who made
him laugh on many an occasion. Although Ian paid him some close attention over
his book, he did a fine job protecting his interests and was helped along the
way by the presence of a relative of the Prime Minister sitting opposite in the
shape of Lauren Booth. A decent guest who should feel pretty pleased with the
way he acquitted himself, even though the show itself wasn't one of the
greatest.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
If he writes another book of equal effect, definitely.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Britain's best-known agony aunt, who has worked on a
variety of newspapers, magazines and TV shows down the years. Also famed for
advertising a feminine sanitary product with 'wings'.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Rayner was a recent recipient of the OBE who
once said: "I am a horsefly biting the arses of those in power", which
somewhat surprised the Queen at the time.
BEST QUOTE:
When Angus quoted a water board executive as saying
that anyone could have a bath using just half a bowlful of water, Rayner
replied: "I don't think I could!"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian reminded her that she was once an agony aunt for
the Sun, which seemed to embarrass Rayner, who replied: "It was a newspaper
in those days!" Ian then quite happily took the opportunity to call her
"an old Sun journalist".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Angus described it as "one of the most surreal
things we've ever seen on the show" and it was - Rayner had come armed with
a big bag of jelly babies which she used to quieten Ian "in case he got
stroppy". She gave him a sweet when he started going on about her past at
the Sun, and told him "eat that while I talk". The opposing team of
Martin Clunes and
Neil Morrissey then asked for a jelly baby too, meaning that Angus kept having
to pass the bag backwards and forwards.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Rayner was absolutely fantastic, more so because the
opposing guest team of Clunes and Morrissey were in tip-top form and could so
easily have made the other guest invisible. Rayner, however, answered the
questions with a great deal of drollness and brilliantly, for someone famous for
helping people with personal difficulties, was unafraid to have the odd sly dig
at those in the news. And anyone who can make Ian shut up and stop having a go
at people deserves praise, particularly as she did it in such an original and
inspired way. She made a great contribution to a memorable episode.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
It's amazing that they haven't yet, but hopefully her second appearance will come soon
KNOWN AS:
One of the UK's favourite newscasters who quit
full-time journalism in 1982, though still occasionally pops up as a stand-in
newsreader on Channel 4's "The Big Breakfast.
Is perhaps just as well-known for her dancing skills as she is for
her journalistic work.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus quoted Rippon as saying that she felt the need to
remind people that she hadnt read the news since 1982, which was a bit of
problem when you were appearing on a topical quiz show.
BEST QUOTE:
On the new P&O ferry the Aurora, which broke down
on its maiden voyage, she said: "It's as tall as Ben Nevis, apparently.
I have a theory that Ben Nevis might have floated longer than the
Aurora."
ANECDOTES:
Told of how she skillfully managed to slag off the
Royal Family during an NBC interview without actually making it sound like her
own opinion, and also of how she did a twirl for ITV's "Day Of Promise.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? Angus had a damned good go, but she had plenty of
biting repostes for him, including a refusal to give him her phone number, as if
she had been seriously considering it!
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Rippon got closer to Angus than anyone else on the
show, as she decided to walk over to him and sniff him, on the grounds that she
wanted to test one critic's theory that he always looked "particularly
well-deodorised. When Paul
said that one of the critics claimed he wore no underpants, Rippon sat there
with a watery smile but declined to test that theory.
She also managed to mistakenly call Angus "Ian without,
remarkably, any reaction at all from anyone, including the audience.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Rippon was a truly exceptional guest.
Not only did she answer the questions well, including a very tricky Odd
One Out, and join in with some scathing and quick comments during the banter,
but she managed to twist Angus round her little finger.
Much like with Anna Ford in the previous series, Angus seemed quite keen
to have cosy chats with Rippon (what is it with him and female newscasters?) but
Rippon was in no mood to be an Angus victim and shot back with a stunning array
of put-downs. Paul tried to help -
using the identical line "Do you want to go out with her?
that he used to defend Ford - but Rippon clearly didn't need his
assistance, though had a good giggle when he uttered that line.
Rippon was reminiscent of a fair but take-no-prisoners headmistress, and
Angus was utterly beaten. A quite
fantastic performance.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? Frequently, just to see Angus get his come-uppance
again.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Former journalist with a variety of newspapers, later presented BBC1's
viewer-feedback show "Points Of View" and her own show on BBC Radio 2.
Now anchors the BBC1 consumer show "Watchdog" and antiques quiz
"Going For A Song.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said that she was on a hiding to nothing by appearing, as all the
complaints about the show would be directed to her.
BEST QUOTE:
Completed the headline FERGIE AT BEAUTY PARLOUR FOR ____ with "ever.
ANECDOTES:
None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Yes, as she was one of the hacks who paid a glowing tribute to Robert Maxwell
after his death, only to then discover with the rest of the world what he was
really like.
Ian played on this a couple of times after a question about Maxwell, and
used the same type of gag when Angus cracked a joke about her BBC Radio 2
colleague Derek Jameson.
Ian also did a "why oh why oh why" gag at her
expense when fellow guest Griff Rhys-Jones leapt in with the correct answer to
one of her questions.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
We never saw her trademark wink which she always uses at the end of her own
shows.
Come to think of it, we hardly saw her face either.
She kept her head down constantly, as if she really did not want to be
there.
She also complained heartily to Angus that a joke he cracked about Bill
Wyman was "really dirty.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
For a journalist renowned for being opinionated, as well as a woman of wit from
her TV shows, this was a hugely disappointing performance.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Five.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
Not on your nelly.
Talented and intelligent lady, but seriously lacking the qualities for
this type of show.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Quick-witted,
stylish host of a variety of TV shows. Now the anchorman of "Film
2000" and a resident panellist on sports quiz "They Think It's All
Over". Also hosts his own show on BBC Radio 2.
INTRODUCTION:
No
details of his first appearance; second time round, Angus made a reference to
his 'W for R' speech impediment with use of the word 'rancour'.
BEST QUOTE:
Completed
the headline "______COULD BE STICKY FOR CHARLES" with "Camilla
Parker-Bowles, if he plays his cards right".
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Was
rounded up on by Paul after he accused his opposing captain of being dull and
boring and knowing too much useless information. Paul snapped back that Ross
once hosted a show called "Fantastic Facts" and added: "The most
fantastic fact being how on earth did this programme ever get made?"
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Had
a go at Paul's competitive streak more often than any other contestant in the
show's history.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
A
wonderful contestant, Ross performed with his usual gusto and patter and seemed
to enjoy his spats with Paul, even though he regularly came out second best.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Unable to score his first appearance; eight for his
second.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes. He has since developed a great understanding of such panel shows and would be a stronger guest in the future.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Long-time
host of BBC1's villain-catching programme "Crimewatch UK" and also a
political broadcaster on BBC Radio.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said that Ross usually presented "Crimewatch" but tonight he had come
all the way form his home in Chiswick to appear, so if any burglars were
watching, they had about an hour.
BEST QUOTE:
"These geneticists came up with the idea
that one day, men could breastfeed and I just thought of whether David Mellor
and toe-sucking was one of the early experiments that had gone wrong."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: Exposed fellow guest Richard Wilson as a cheat when
Wilson claimed a correct answer in the Missing Words round, only for Ross to
reveal that he had read out the answer from the monitor, which Angus
hadn't noticed.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Ross did reasonably well in what was
generally a hugely-disappointing Election Special compared to the classic 1992
edition. He got the answers, joined
in the apolitical banter with the three regulars and gave the overbearing Wilson
his come-uppance. Didn't get many
laughs, but nor did anyone that night. Well,
apart from the Labour Party later on...
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Give him a go on a run-of-the-mill show and
see how he does.
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