APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 1 (with Paul Merton) 1990
KNOWN AS: Journalist for a variety of newspapers and a former actress.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Veteran
DJ also known for his long-running BBC1 dreams-come-true show "Jim'll Fix
It". Knighted for his services to charitable causes, he runs several
marathons per year to raise money. Smokes enormous cigars.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
referred to Savile's previous work as a wrestler, during which time he lost 100
of his 107 bouts, so that's why they put him on Ian's team.
BEST QUOTE:
Claiming
that Monica Lewinsky was an Odd One Out as she was hard of hearing, Savile said:
"She entered the Oval Office and Clinton was on the phone, so he said:
'Hold my calls'."
ANECDOTES:
Told
freely of how bad he was at wrestling, and also about his famed time as the
inhabitant of a caravan. He said he never owned a stove as he wished to remain a
bachelor, and a lack of cooking facilities meant that women were frightened off.
He also revealed that he had run 212 marathons and had never once been
drug-tested, usually because he came in last. And he said he wrote his name and
phone number on every phone pad at Chequers while staying as a guest of Margaret
Thatcher, telling her to call him in the event of an emergency.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
On
the stove issue, Ian asked him whether he thought the sight of an old man in a
shell-suit may have had something to do with women being frightened off. When he
turned away with his cigar after Ian complained, Savile said: "Let me know
when you need me" - at which point Ian craftily looked at his watch and
grinned to the audience.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
It
was inevitable he would do it, but Savile is the one and only person to have
smoked on the show. He lit one of his enormous cigars, which lasted to the end
of the programme. He also seemed thrilled to be able to present Ian with a
"Jim'll Fix It" badge at the end of the show, seeing as he probably
was out of practice since that series was axed. He is also quite possibly the
slowest talker ever to appear.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Savile
is completely bonkers. That may not come as much of a surprise, but he managed
to combine his loveable eccentricity with a good understanding of the week's
events and answered the questions thoroughly. Savile has been a reasonably
frequent victim of Angus's monologues down the years, but no mention of that was
made by any party and he emerged with great credit and no small amount of
respect.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Don't see why not. His natural charm and
sense of the surreal should see him through more competent displays.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Editor
of "Tribune", a left-wing magazine with an emphasis on preserving
Socialism.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
mentioned his magazine and said it provided depth and insight into socialism -
for both its readers.
BEST QUOTE: None.
ANECDOTES:
Was
forced by Ian to give details about how the Labour Party tried to stop him
becoming a member of their NEC.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
was very quiet indeed, though spoke intelligently when he did decide to make a
contribution.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Seddon
was another victim of the show's desire to get topical guests regardless of
their ability to perform well on the programme. He was topical because he was a
known supporter of Ken Livingstone's candidature for Mayor of London. As a
result, he struggled to make any worthwhile impact on the show though was never
disgraced or humiliated.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Five.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
No. And they never would, simply because they Mayoral debate will be thankfully over and done with by the time the next series begins.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Author and journalist of great lyrical dexterity with a carefree attitude both
in print and speech.
INTRODUCTION:
On his first appearance, Angus said Self was thrown off the Conservative party
campaign jet over allegations of drug-taking, so had he been accused of adultery
or corruption he would have been given a seat in first class; second time round,
Angus referred to Self's infamous drugs high while on the Prime Minister's
plane, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase 'chemical toilet'; on his third
appearance, Angus played on his 1997 General Election poster about calling Tony
Blair "a sanctimonious git".
BEST QUOTE:
As Self had made his narcotic indiscretion in the plane toilet, Ian said that 38
bathrooms in one house would be ideal for him. Self swiftly replied: "One for every day of the
month!"
ANECDOTES:
Told joyfully of how he got into trouble for writing a controversial foreword to
the book of Revelations. Also
revealed that he is banned from Britain's cathedral cities, and that he wasn't
sacked by Express editor Rosie Boycott, but 'viciously shafted'.
Joined in when fellow guest Hugh Dennis revealed that the two were at
school in Barnet together.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not especially. The odd jibe was
made about the infamous time he was high on drugs while travelling in the same
aeroplane as the Prime Minister, but nothing he couldn't take on the chin.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Quite elitist in some of his expressions but exceptionally good at being
downright scathing of things or people he disagrees with.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Self is eccentric, thick-skinned and opinionated
and also used his naturally brash personality to make a genuine impact on the
programme. Sometimes his speed of
speech and his ultra-extensive vocabulary leaves the viewer struggling to keep
up, but in many ways that's part of his appeal. And despite his highbrowness, Self retains an earthly charm
about him. And he is unashamedly
funny. If a shortlist of the show's
best-ever guests was to be
compiled, Self would be on it.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine; eight and a half; nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Immediately.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
A
former comedian and satirist, he went 'serious' and spent 15 years at the BBC as
its Chief Political Correspondent until his recent defection to ITN.
INTRODUCTION:
On
his first appearance, Angus said that Sergeant's job was to hang around Downing
Street to find out what's happening, an idea he got from the last Prime
Minister; second time round, Angus pointed out that 30 years ago he was part of
an award-winning comedy show - and had yet to appear on another
BEST QUOTE:
After
being shown the infamous 'ambush' by Margaret Thatcher in which Sergeant was
bumped out of the way by the ex-PM so she could make a statement about the
leadership of the Conservative Party, Sergeant said: "It's a very badly
edited version of that. I discussed with her what the
position was and she then explained at length - 'John', she said - all
that." When Paul joined in, saying the film had been 'cruelly distorted',
Sergeant brilliantly replied: "Yes. I came over looking silly there!"
ANECDOTES:
Apart
from the classic Thatcher moment, none which could be deemed as 'true'!
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ribbed
playfully by everyone over the Thatcher incident. Though it embarrassed him at
the time, he now enjoys talking about it.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Another
man who clearly makes preparations for his appearances, with some clever
scripted gags immediately reeled off whenever he sees the subject matter of the
question.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
While
a brilliant and incisive political reporter, Sergeant clearly still possesses
bundles of his comedic heritage and was probably the funniest journalist to
appear in the programme's history. His "bashed" look also adds to his
humour potential and combine that with his quick and dry wit and you get the
feeling that, despite moving to ITN, he will be regularly invited back. A
brilliant guest.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine
and a half; nine and a
half.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Highly outspoken motoring and art critic for a variety of publications, also
renowned for his controversial views on life in general.
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus said Sewell was a motoring expert and art critic, so if
you're thinking of robbing an art gallery and you need a getaway driver, he's
your man; on his second appearance, Angus quoted Sewell as saying that Gateshead
was "a self-inflicted wound", which would be nothing compared to what
the locals would do to him should he ever visit.
BEST QUOTE:
When Ian mentioned that a friend of his had bought Sewell's old house, Sewell
replied: "I can't believe that anyone who would buy a house from me could
possibly be a friend of yours."
ANECDOTES:
Unashamedly told two terrific stories about his experience with tarts' cards in
phone boxes. He got tired of a
young neighbour playing loud music so he put the man's phone number on a card
with the word "TRANSVESTITE" on it, and the man soon moved out.
He also said he rang one number marked "SCANDINAVIAN" and
couldn't agree anything, so he rang another which said "BARBADAN" and
realised he was talking to the same person.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
He got ribbed all the way through his first appearance simply because he had a
very highbrow delivery and often took the stories into much deeper analysis than
needed - an example being his desire to talk about the effect it would have on
baby hedgehogs if levels of global warming were to increase.
He knew he was in for a rough ride over the tarts' cards stories but
smiled sweetly through the comments, as he did when slaughtered about his
archaic views on women. Also got
complaints later from the people of Suffolk when he criticised their locality.
Cracked completely (into embarrassed laughter) when asked by Paul if
"anyone had placed a cushion over your face in the middle of the night.”
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Sewell went quiet towards the end of both his appearances, as if he felt he'd
made the points he needed to make, though he did managed to corpse when fellow
guest Jeff Green made a coarse joke in the Missing Words round, prompting Green
to add: "I've finally got him!".
Remained steadily dignified in his emotions mostly, however, allowing the
audience to do the laughing for him. When
he remembered the show's main purpose, he answered the questions well and with
some detail. Brilliantly corrected
Ian's grammar too - a fine achievement, while also deciding to remove his jacket
mid-show - good thing it was filmed, otherwise the continuity would have had a
problem!
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Whether the viewer agrees with Sewell's somewhat old hat opinions or not, no-one
could deny that he made the programme fun in that in his two appearances, he
deliberately gave Angus, Paul, Ian and fellow guests Jeff Green and Meera Syal
masses of ammunition to fire at him. These
episodes, as a result, contained more truly high-quality words of spontaneity
than just about any other, largely down to Sewell's inspiration.
A much-loved guest indeed.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes. Part of his appeal was his
ability to combine his old-fashioned views with utter charm and dignity.
If he were to carry on like that, Ian and Paul would have a field day.
KNOWN
AS:
Blairite columnist for the News Of The World.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Simon was a News Of The World columnist who told Labour supporters
recently to "ignore the knockers", though if people did that no-one
would buy his paper.
BEST QUOTE:
When he used the complicated expression "reverse double switchback" to
describe a crafty policy change by Gordon Brown, surprise was expressed that it
was used in the News Of The World. He replied: "Not IN the News Of The
World, but AT the News Of The World."
ANECDOTES:
None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When he questioned the syntax of a headline, Ian retorted: "The News Of The
World getting uppity about grammar!" Otherwise, no.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
A very physical performer, most notably when answering a question about the
attempted robbery at the Millennium Dome, and also the owner of a hugely
irritating machine-gun giggle.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
For a man whose columns have gained him a lot of attention, Simon cut a
disappointing figure. He was over-enthusiastic and rather feeble, barely
managing to make any inroads into the show once the first round was out of the
way. The phenomenal Rich Hall sitting opposite removes some of the blame for
that, but Simon should have imposed himself more. Committing the cardinal sin of
talking about his appearance on the show in his column didn't help, as he just
came across as self-indulgent.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
The BBC's World Affairs Editor, renowned for his fearless, concise reporting
from war zones. Has more recently taken to doing documentaries from individual
countries on "Simpson's World" for BBC News 24, though is still at the
sharp end whenever a major international conflict is on the go.
INTRODUCTION:
On his first appearance, Angus revealed that Simpson's proper surname is
Fiddler-Simpson, though he dropped the first bit before putting in travel
expenses; second time round, Angus said Simpson such life-threatening events as
a machete gith in Colombia, a missile attack in Baghdad, and a slight
disagreement with Kate Adie; on his third appearance, Angus said Simpson was a
BBC news reporter who has been shot at, bombed and punched, before reluctantly
agreeing to come back on the show.
BEST QUOTE:
As fellow guest Richard Blackwood struggled to coherently answer a question,
Simpson said: "Have you thought of taking a job on our new ten o'clock
news?"
ANECDOTES:
Told of his infamous experiment with hallucinogenic drugs when working in South
America and, to the delight of everyone else, went into detail about what he saw
during his trip. Revealed that when he did an interview with Colonel Gadaffi,
the Libyan leader broke wind very loudly and deliberately throughout their chat.
They had to turn the sound down before broadcast. He also told of how, on his
first day as a BBC reporter, he was punched in the stomach by Prime Minister
Harold Wilson after he asked him when he was going to call an election. And he
admitted, somewhat ruefully, that he once split his trousers in front of the
Queen at a public event.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Had to survive plenty of ridicule over his drug experimentation (which was
mentioned on all three of his appearances) and did so well, by telling Paul he
may be able to put him in the direction of a man who had some stuff left. Didn't
seem to enjoy the special "Mastermind" round too much, particularly as
he was forced to answer questions on the specialist subject of "Christmas
Cracker Jokes".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Maybe time has more to do with this, but in his first appearance he wore a shirt
and tie without a jacket, and looked way thinner than anytime he has appeared on
TV before or since.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Simpson is a brilliant and respected journalist though the viewer was unaware of
how humorous he could be because he is best known for reporting from countries
at war or in some other economic or social crisis. But although he was never
screamingly funny, he had fascinating stories to tell, showed he could make the
odd witty comment and was not afraid to sit back and laugh at everyone else.
Totally relaxed and very affable.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Seven; eight; eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes. There will always be stories to tell.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Anchorman of Channel 4 News.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted Snow as saying that television is responsible for shortening people's
concentration spans...er...sorry...where was I?; second time round, Angus quoted Snow's school report
as saying: "Snow has set himself low standards which he has failed to come
up to", so he should feel at home tonight.
BEST QUOTE:
As he saw Princess Diana unveiling a new aeroplane, he
said: "She asked for the sick bag before she got on."
ANECDOTES:
Told of how he was in a band at Channel 4 which was
called "FourPlay.” Ian
asked: "Is it a warm-up act?” He
also revealed that the whole staff at ITN had to be evacuated from the building
after a suspect taxi was found empty outside their headquarters. The driver, it turned out, had spent three and a half hours
in a massage parlour.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When he garbled his speech, Ian cracked a gag about
Snow being used to having the benefit of autocue.
He also looked embarrassed when footage was shown of him doing a bizarre
dance with some Africans.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: Possessed a very deep, Fry-esque giggle which had no
resemblance to his voice.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Like many of his peers, Snow shook off the serious
image which newscasters have to portray in their professional capacity and
laughed a great deal. However,
despite a brilliant suggestion for the caption competition in his first
appearance, he rarely got the chance to shine in his own right. He was charismatic, fascinating and informative, but rarely
funny.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six; eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? He's had two goes without really setting the place
alight, so maybe not.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Sombre
face of BBC1's One O'Clock News.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
disclosed that Stourton had an 'O' Level in Mandarin, adding that it was always
good to have a tinned fruit expert on the show.
BEST QUOTE:
Saw
straight through Angus's incessant questioning about BBC News and said: "I
think what the BBC does is truly wonderful and every decision it takes is
totally wise and just."
ANECDOTES: None.
Was asked about his Mandarin qualification, but was unable to elaborate.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? He was questioned about the rumours circulating the
morale in the BBC newsroom but coped well, helped in no uncertain terms by Paul,
who called Angus a "berk".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
For
a man who was criticised by focus groups for being too sombre in the newsroom,
he was anything but sombre. Had a damned good laugh sitting next to Paul, who
was having one of his best days. Got ribbed for telling Paul the answers instead
of Angus. Looked pained but amused when fellow guest Pauline McLynn made one of
the crudest jokes in the show's history during the Missing Words round.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Stourton
proved the focus groups wrong with his more than capable prowess for cracking a
gag and not taking himself too seriously. Got on very well with Paul, to the
extent that they started chatting between themselves and ignoring Angus. Paul
even asked Stourton to come back on the show again
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes,
though they would have to put him on Paul's team again.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Toothy and flamboyant pioneer of "Yoof" TV, now editor of the
Independent on Sunday.
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus quoted Street-Porter as saying that she was fed up with
all the middle-class, middle-aged men in suits on television, so just as well
that she was put on Eddie Izzard's team; on her second appearance, Angus used
the same quote, but bless her, she managed to park her car outside the studio so
she could be here tonight; third time round, Angus referred to her previous
appearance along with twice fellow guest Boris Johnson as cheaper than showing a
repeat.
BEST QUOTE:
Spoke for many people, no doubt, when she looked Ian straight in the eyes and
said: "Do you know Ian, I really wonder about you sometimes."
ANECDOTES:
Revealed that she was president of the Ramblers Association.
Told of how she was in the Young Conservatives quiz team but switched to
the Young Socialists because they had better prizes and nicer-looking men.
Talked about the much-publicised auction she held to sell off her old
clothes.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
A few jokes about rambling - the incoherent speech version - were made in her
direction, while Angus made reference to the auction and added that someone
claimed the clothes were wearing away in the armpits, which she wrongly took as
a sexist comment. Suffered the
alleged indignity of having her grammar corrected by Johnson.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
She and Izzard both moaned like hell that their questions were too difficult.
Also, during her third appearance, her renowned liking for unique
clothing, coupled with her criticism of the Queen's harlequin dress at the Royal
Variety Performance, forced Ian to ask her to show off what she was wearing.
As a result, for the first and only time, all four contestants were seen
from the waist down as each stood up to reveal their choice of attire.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Street-Porter is unafraid of expressing an opinion, no matter how controversial,
which is a good tactic to use if wanting to make an impact on the show.
However, she often leaps to her own defence or butts in too quickly,
which can leave her wide open to a jibe from others, particularly Ian.
In her last two appearances she did brilliantly considering so much
emphasis was placed on hassling fellow guest Johnson.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven, eight and seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
She will always say something to take the debate into a new topic, which stands
in her favour, so she's worth another go.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Genial,
chirpy TV host who shot to fame on 70s kids' show "TISWAS", more
recently famous for wealth-creating quiz "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire?". Has also presented London radio station Capital FM's
breakfast show since 1987.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said he was responsible for waking up half of London every morning - before
going on to present the Capital breakfast show.
BEST QUOTE:
Mentioned
that the Windsor Castle could have been started by an aerosol, and added:
"Though you'd have to be a bit of an aerosol, wouldn't you?"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
A
very physical performer, Tarrant twice managed to come up with physical gags
during the show - one relating to veteran newscaster Kenneth Kendall, the other
referring to an odd one out which included Sooty, following Tarrant's guess that
they'd all had Harry Corbett's hand stuck up them. On each occasion, his zany
actions were arguably funnier than anything he said. Managed to playfully
confuse the show with "A Question Of Sport".
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
For
a man relied upon by thousands of Londoners to make them feel happy and ready
every morning, Tarrant was surprisingly ineffective at coming up with the gags.
Probably just had an off-day, but it was noticeable that the other guest, the
comparatively unknown Meera Syal, was much funnier.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes,
not only because we know he can make up for his previous display, but also
because "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?" is major news and it would be
intriguing to see what Angus would ask him about it.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
At
the time he was the editor of "Punch" magazine - the satirical rival
to "Private Eye" and later became TV critic for the Express.
Now an Internet columnist for the Daily Mail.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Thomas was a 'Have I Got News For You' virgin, and hadn't been on the
show before either.
BEST QUOTE:
On Paul Gascoigne: "His unique brand of physiotherapy consists of drinking
quite a remarkable amount of alcohol and doing the lambada, and then being
assaulted by mysterious people who seem to leave no mark whatsoever on his jaw
whilst breaking his knee at the same time."
ANECDOTES:
None. There was no time to tell
any.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
No. Even though he was
editor of "Punch”, there were no snide comments from Ian.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
None. Much of this is because he
was a guest in the early days when more questions were crammed in to the show,
leaving little time for any idiosyncrasies.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Thomas was quite brilliant and in the first episode of the second series - which
was the series which established the show as a shining beacon in the BBC2
schedules - he was an ideal guest to invite on, combining his natural wit and
his journalistic cynicism beautifully to help confirm the show as a genuine
contender for the paragon of satire in the 1990s, which by the end of the
series, it had become. Although he
no longer works in satire - he is now an online writer for the Daily Mail - he
would still be an ideal replacement as team captain for Ian should he ever
decide to quit the show. It's
astonishing that Thomas has never been back on the show since that day in 1991.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Nine and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes, as soon as is feasible.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Genial TV gardener who hosts "Ground Force" and formerly anchored
"Gardener's World". Also presented daytime magazine programme
"Pebble Mill" and quiz show "Ask The Family".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Titchmarsh was a gardening expert who regularly stages full-sized
operatic productions in his garden, as it was the only way he could keep the
crows off his strawberries.
BEST QUOTE:
When asked by Angus if cannabis was a weed, he replied: "Well, a weed is
only any plant growing out of place, so in your garden, probably not."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Angus picked out three passages from Titchmarsh's novel "Mr McGregor",
all of which contained explicit sex scenes, and asked Paul to select which
segment was nominated for the Literary Review 'Bad Sex' Prize. All were
cringe-making, but the one which used the expression 'liquid noises' made
Titchmarsh look particularly embarrassed.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Brilliantly shot down the elitist tittle-tattle of fellow guest Stephen Bayley
by saying: "It's better than evening classes this, isn't it?" Clearly
he was bored as everyone else was when Bayley was in full flow.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
He got to plug his book and he had a bit of a laugh, so for Titchmarsh, the job
was done. And when he did speak, it was refreshing considering some of the
copious tedium emerging at times from Bayley's mouth. The regulars seemed to
like him, particularly Angus, who had cracked a few sporadic gags at
Titchmarsh's expense down the years. Not an outstanding guest, but his earthly
charm and occasional nice one-liner made him good value.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Try it when he hasn't got a book out and see what he says.
Back to top of page / Back to Guest List Intro