APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: A
journalist who left his native Russia for the UK and now works for a variety of
publications.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted Vitaliev as saying his treatment in Russia was akin to Britain's
treatment of Princess Diana - so we could all look forward to the photographs of
him in the gymnasium.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking
about Graham Taylor's resignation as England football coach, Vitaliev: "He
invented a new type of game - I would call it a loser-friendly game."
ANECDOTES:
None
really, though made the others laugh when he mentioned he occasionally went back
to Russia to spit on Lenin's grave.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Despite
English being his second language, he spoke more sense than a lot of British
guests ever did. He also laughed heartily at some of the puns and Britishisms
from the other participants, which some overseas people, no matter how fluent,
would struggle to understand.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Not riddled with gags, but half the job is
done as a contestant if you are prepared to have a good laugh and lose your
inhibitions. Vitaliev was successful in this sense and seemed to enjoy sitting
alongside Paul, speaking to him in Russian when Paul pretended to be fluent in
Vitaliev's mother tongue.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Yes, provided they pair him with Paul again.
The two worked well together.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Journalist,
satirist and author who has worked with Ian at Private Eye recently published a
biography of Karl Marx. Also a regular on BBC Radio 4's "News
Quiz," the audio father figure of this show. Currently writes a column
called "Wheen's World" for the Guardian.
INTRODUCTION:
First
time round, Angus said Wheen had just completed a biography of an MP with a
strange and promiscuous sex life, so one down, 650 to go; on his second
appearance, Angus said Wheen was a Guardian journalist but still wore a blue
rosette and sat next to John Major - still, it's not every day that Chelsea get
to Wembley; third time round, Angus said Wheen was a radical journalist who in
the 6s0 joined the controversial Oz magazine but got fed up working for an
anti-establishment rag that was always in court, so he now worked for Private
Eye; on his fourth appearance, Angus revealed that Wheen wrote to a local
newspaper when he was a teenager saying he would do anything without pay, so the
show has finally allowed him achieve that ambition.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking
about Bill Clinton's fling with Paula Jones, he said: "It was in Little
Rock, the capital of Arkansas, so she was rather between a Little Rock and a
hard place."
ANECDOTES:
Ambiguously told of how he was greeted with "affection" by Peter
Mandelson at a party, and also revealed how he was invited to the Euro 96
semi-final at Wembley between England and Germany by future Paymaster General
Geoffrey Robinson. Also revealed that he went to school with Mark Thatcher.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
His intellectual powers were gently sniped at by Ian, who said at one point:
"I expect Francis knows because he knows everything." When telling his
Mandelson story, Angus suggested the 'affectionate' greeting was a "full-on
tongues French kiss", which Wheen did not deny.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Wheen rarely laughs. He has a knowing smile, which he uses a lot, but
infrequently laughs out loud. His image changed phenomenally in the five years
between his first and fourth appearances, sporting slightly more hair in 1994
and looking decidedly thinner.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Wheen knows everything about anything and anything about everything - a
frighteningly intelligent man who proved a good foil for Paul, as his captain
was allowed to get more gags in because he knew he had someone capable of
answering all the questions sitting alongside him. He had a nice
line in satire and was unafraid to leave himself open to jibes, which are
invaluable qualities in a guest. Wheen has a very understated, dry sense
of humour and his quietly spoken yet droll delivery was thoroughly entertaining.
If compiling an exclusive list of the best handful of guests in the show's
history, Wheen would be in it without a shadow of a doubt. Fantastic.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine; nine; eight; eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? His return is inevitable. With Ken
Livingstone now embroiled in Mayoral matters, don't be surprised if this man
equals the record guest appearances figure in the next year or so.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
The
recently-departed spin doctor for Gordon Brown in the Treasury, he is now a
broadcaster on BBC Radio 5 Live.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said his job was to increase the profile of the Labour chancellor, whose name
was... erm....
BEST QUOTE:
When
fellow guest Paul Daniels goaded him by stating he knew the tax system better
than Whelan because he used to work in the civil service, he got enormous
applause by responding: "Well I used to work for the Chancellor of the
Exchequer - I know the tax system better than you."
ANECDOTES:
Freely
told of how he set up a photocall for Gordon Brown at a kids’ kindergarten as
a consequence of the Treasury's decision to raise child benefit. Also giggled
his way through a "natural" photo of Mr Brown and his fiancée looking
sumptuously at each other over dinner.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian
tried his best to make Whelan spill the beans about his behind-the-scenes
activities while working for the Government, but Whelan took it well and was
unafraid to tell the truth, though twice when asked a closed question he
responded with "absolutely", through a smile, making everyone none the
wiser as to whether he was admitting or denying. Denied Ian's claim that he had
been sacked, stating instead that it was his decision to quit simply because he
wanted to do other things.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
For
a man only just departed from a profession riddled with controversy and secrecy,
Whelan was very relaxed and made no bones about the way he did his job.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
This
is the sort of guest which the show's producers must dream about. Government
spin doctors are shrouded in secrecy and are regarded by many as the people who
really run the country's affairs, so there is a risk element in inviting them
on, and you would scarcely expect any ex-spin doctor to agree to appear anyway,
let alone tell all about his activities. Whelan was forthright, concise and had
no qualms about revealing a few little titbits about his closed-doors activities
at the Treasury and emerged from the show with huge credit and respect. Had some
good banter with Paul and fended off Ian's badgering with consummate skill. Not
outlandishly funny, but gave the show great entertainment with his stories and
playful aloofness to more than make up for his lack of outright gags.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Now
his Treasury days are long behind him, he probably wouldn't be as effective, so
he is probably best left on a high.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Long-time
political editor of the Guardian, also an acerbic newspaper-reviewer for BBC1's
Breakfast News.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
claimed that his appearance was the prize for winning a fight with the political
editor of the Daily Mirror.
BEST QUOTE:
Correctly
identified as Saddam Hussein as the Odd One Out because "he hasn't won a
Nobel prize - yet."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Probably
the most prolific answerer of questions the show has ever had in one episode.
During a Connections round, he took more than 30 seconds to give his answer due
to his attention to detail and was congratulated by Paul and applauded by the
audience for it. Was also, interestingly, the only person on the panel to laugh
at Angus's infamous "shrivelled walnut" joke about Mother Theresa of
Calcutta, while the others just sat in shock and – in the case of fellow guest
Stephen Frost – utter disgust.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
White
was somewhat thorough in his answering of questions, which was no bad thing as
it helped he and Paul to victory. However, he backed his desire to be good at
the quiz with a desire to be good at making jokes about the news, something not
expected of a senior Guardian journalist, and his very dry and sarcastic take on
events was a winner with the studio audience. He tried very hard to be funny in
the Missing Words round and succeeded to an extent, though was unfortunate as
Paul was in one of his most scathing moods when it came to filling the gaps.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Definitely.
In recent years, he has improved his sarcastic bent on life - his newspaper
reviews on early morning television prove this - and he would return as a much
more effective participant, which is quite an achievement considering he was a
more than reasonable guest in the first place.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Pun-laden
but lovable host of Channel 4 words and numbers quiz "Countdown".
Known on local TV in Yorkshire as a first-rate political interviewer, while has
also recently hosted his own chat show on BBC1.
INTRODUCTION:
One
of Angus's funniest intros ever - he said Whiteley was responsible for asking
more than 10,000 questions as host of "Countdown", though thankfully
Carol Vorderman said 'no' every time.
BEST QUOTE:
After
a recent tabloid scandal which claimed that celebrity guests on
"Countdown" were given big words by behind-the-scenes lexicographers
in order to look good, Whiteley satirised his own show by clutching his ear
during a Film Clips round and saying: "I'm just hesitating because I'm not
getting the answer through my earpiece."
ANECDOTES:
Told
of how he was editor of Cambridge undergraduate magazine Varsity during his
student days and admitted, under duress from Angus, that he was disgusted by all
the sex in those days because he wasn't getting any. Brilliantly hit back at the
claim he was known as "Twice Nightly Whiteley" by revealing it was now
"Once Yearly Nearly".
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When
he cracked a gag about Carol Vorderman's enormous salary, Ian hit back by
claiming that it really hurt Whiteley that his co-host was earning so much more
than him. But he skated through the jibes with some ease. Cracked a
typically-Whiteley pun of groan-worthy proportions about the French water lily
artist Monet of which Ian, who presumably doesn't watch "Countdown",
was critical.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Looked
utterly stunned, but then delighted, when Angus revealed that a round of the
numbers game from "Countdown" was going to be played.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Whiteley's
image to the national audience is one of a harmless and lovable buffoon but
viewers in Yorkshire know that he is truly a clever, incisive and genuinely
witty broadcaster, which he managed to put across magnificently during his
appearance. Got ribbed a fair bit about his student days and his puns but
performed with guts and looked completely relaxed. A very competent performance,
aided by some very funny comments.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Probably
not. He was so good on his debut that it may be unfair to expect him to match
it. Best to go out on a high.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Pioneer
of "zoo format" broadcasting with his legendary character-filled
afternoon show on BBC Radio 1 in the 1980s.
Now doing a similar show on BBC Radio 2.
Has hosted a number of TV programmes with varying degrees of success, and
is currently the writer and voice of BBC2's retro-music show "Top Of The
Pops 2".
INTRODUCTION: Angus said he wore glasses and fancied Lulu, so obviously
the glasses weren't strong enough.
BEST QUOTE:
When
shown footage of himself with three other Radio 1 DJs, he said: "There's
Saddam Hussein at the back."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
He
was teased constantly over the major reshuffling going on at Radio 1 which
coincided with his own departure from the breakfast show, to be replaced by
Chris Evans. On seeing footage of
Wright during a question about the station's dwindling audience (to which Wright
claimed, over-loyally, that he didn't know the answer) Ian said: "Which one
is Mr Angry at being sacked?"
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
For
a man who mastered the art of putting lots of speech on a music radio station,
Wright was rather quiet.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Wright
took many plaudits during his 80s heyday as the pioneer of afternoon radio but
it is clear that his own wit and sharpness isn't quite what his shows may make
out (he has employed the same writer on his shows for 20 years) as he was slow
on the uptake on occasions and was rarely funny.
Having just left Radio 1 in a blaze of poor publicity, you would have
thought he would be quick to slag off his former bosses, or at least, poke
playful fun at them, but he didn't. He
was way too loyal and as a result, very dull.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
If
it could be guaranteed he would be more daring, then yes.
He merely needs to convert his radio manner to TV, and he should do well.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Presented the ground-breaking Channel 4 music show
"The Tube" but better known as the celebrity wife to rock saint Bob
Geldof whom she then left for INXS star Michael Hutchence.
Infamous for giving each of her four children a preposterously exotic
name, she died in 2000, three years after Hutchence.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Yates was a woman who was famous for lying
on a bed flirting with celebrities, after which she would get up and go to work
on "The Big Breakfast".
BEST QUOTE:
Arguably the most famous quote in the show's history,
aimed at Ian: "Don't even look at me, you sperm of the devil!"
ANECDOTES:
Told of how she asked Edward Heath what time it was,
and he bafflingly replied: "Duran Duran".
Under intense questioning from Paul, she also told of how she chose her
breast implants by looking through a catalogue in the clinic.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Jesus, where on earth do you start? Yates was
constantly sniped at by Ian over the way she dumped Bob Geldof for Michael
Hutchence, as well as her shameless promoting of her book in the newspapers and
her breast implants. She also
accused Paul of insensitivity when he suggested that the answer to an Odd
One Out question, in which she featured, concerned fake breasts.
While much of the banter between the regulars and guests has been
light-hearted, a lot of the spat between Yates and Ian was disturbingly
vitriolic.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: Difficult to observe much else as the comments got
more and more vicious.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Yates was hounded, ridiculed, blasted, criticised,
insulted and put on a platform of hate by Ian throughout her appearance, but as
someone who has constantly courted publicity and controversy, she loved it.
She had a book to plug and made sure that her appearance was memorable,
which it certainly was. As someone whose high-ranking status on the tabloid 'wanted'
list had made her thick-skinned, her histrionic reactions to Ian's cutting
comments seemed all a farce. She
actually answered the questions well, when the participants remembered that
hidden somewhere under all the arguments was a quiz, but she got what she needed
- a performance, if not for the right reasons, which got her and her book firmly
in the public eye. An utterly
memorable display, if for more self-important reasons than the viewer would
hope. She carried off the facade of
being offended quite superbly. And
it was good enough for her and her infamous branding of Ian as a "sperm of
the devil" to be mentioned in future episodes of the series. Her sudden
death in 2000 at such a young age was very sad, but 'Have I Got News For You'
fans will remember her for a long time.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
The original face of Channel 5 news who defected to ITN for a huge salary in
1999.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said that Young dashed to the studio straight from her job at Channel 5,
although she was considerate enough to ring all the viewers personally to say
she would be back tomorrow.
BEST QUOTE:
When asked by Angus if she
enjoyed "An Audience With The Spice Girls", she replied, through
gritted teeth: "How we laughed!"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
The expected jibes about lack
of viewers to Channel 5 were thrown in, but her habit of sitting on a desk to
read the news was sent up by Ian, who walked round the front during the first
question of the show and casually leant on his desk to face the audience.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: None.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
What is it with me and female
newsreaders? See the Anna Ford assessment for that. Keeping this analysis firmly
on the subject of personality and not looks - difficult to do, mind - Young
wasn't particularly good, but it was generally a shoddy news week and no-one was
on tip-top form.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK?
For shallow reasons, yes. She is wonderfully easy on the eye. But for the proper reasons she should also make a return. Her defection to ITN (for a disgustingly high salary) would provoke the odd jibe from Ian.
APPEARED:
Series 1, Episode 2 (with Ian Hislop) 1990
KNOWN AS:
Political
broadcaster for BBC Radio 4.
INTRODUCTION:
No
details of his first appearance; second time round, Angus claimed that as the
host of a daily news programme, he relaxed at weekends by hosting a weekly news
programme; for his third appearance, Angus claimed that he had misread his
affirmation that Young was one of the first guests on the show, it should have
read that he was one of the WORST guests on the show.
BEST QUOTE:
In
a particularly scathing Missing Words round (one of the best in the show's
history) managed to complete the headline "KINNOCK MEMORY LAPSE
OVER______" with "socialism".
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When
he answered a question about MPs using sex lines a little too thoroughly, he was
ribbed by Angus and Paul about knowing a lot about the subject. Hit back well,
by claiming the line was labelled "Perky Paul".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Never
before can a man have sweated on his top lip under the glare of TV lighting
quite as much as Young did. He is also the owner of a brilliant laugh.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Like
many news broadcasters, Young has an image on air which he was no doubt anxious
to prove was not his off air image as well. Totally at ease with the show's
atmosphere, he found Paul so funny that he spent most of the time just
guffawing, as he did also when Kathy Burke was the other guest. Answered the
questions well and proved a good foil for Paul, who got his best lines from
Young's set-ups. Rarely made the audience laugh himself, but both shows
contained such inspired performances by Angus and Paul he didn't really have
time to.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Clearly Paul enjoys having him there and that laugh is infectious and great to listen to, so he is more than worth another appearance.
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