EPISODE 1:

"Good evening and welcome to the tenth series of 'Have I Got News For You' and if any sceptic feels that the show's witty satire has now given way to crude abuse then they can just fuck off."

FIRST BROADCAST: 27th October 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Gordon Kennedy; Paul Merton & Paula Yates

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Gordon:   Director-General of Prisons sues Government after sacking

Paul & Paula:   Islamic demonstration in America

Ian & Gordon:   Criticism over the way Lottery funds are handed out

Paul & Paula:   Accountant steals £6m from Sting

Scores: Ian & Gordon 4; Paul & Paula 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul & Paula:  'SHE MET VAN GOGH'

French woman reaches the age of 126 and breaks world record

Ian & Gordon:  'SCIENTISTS SPEND £200,000 ON THE CRUNCH QUESTION'

Costly research into why cereals go mushy when soaked in milk

Scores: Ian & Gordon 6; Paul & Paula 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Paul Gascogine; Sheryl Kyle; Paula Yates; J Howard Marshall II
(Marshall, as all the others own plastic breasts)

Paula - Humphrey the Downing Street cat; the lions in Trafalgar Square; Gabriela Sabatini; Ganesh the elephant God

(the lions, as all the others regularly drink milk)

Gordon - Captain Robert Jenkins;  Vincent Van Gogh; Channel Tunnel worker Pat Neary; Colin the Mouse*

(Neary, as all the others possess just one human ear)

Ian - the Pope; Hugh Grant; Princess Diana; Japan

(Princess Diana, as all the others have made public apologies)

*The mouse in question was the one on whom scientists grafted a human ear in the name of cloning research.

Scores: Ian & Gordon 9; Paul & Paula 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: POWDER TECHNOLOGY

OJ OUT TO __________ AGAIN

DYNAMIC MEASUREMENTS FOR THE STIFFNESS CONSTANT OF __________

KEEP CAMILLA UNDER __________, CHARLES

________= *algebraic puzzle*

BLAIR GIVES WOMEN __________

Final Scores: Ian & Gordon 12; Paul & Paula 13

EPISODE 2:

"Good evening and welcome to this special Guy Fawkes edition of 'Have I Got News For You' as we light the blue touch paper, stand well back and then watch while it fizzles out embarrassingly."

FIRST BROADCAST: 3rd November 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Bob Mills; Paul Merton & Alex Salmond MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Bob:   Major and Chirac have summit over French nuclear testing

Paul & Alex:   Canadian DJ phones Queen pretending to be his Prime Minister

Ian & Bob:   Channel 5 win bid for the fifth terrestrial channel

Paul & Alex:   Clare Short slapped down by Labour for suggesting talks on cannabis legislation

Scores: Ian & Bob 4; Paul & Alex 4

ROUND TWO - SPOT THE ILLEGALITY:

AT THE SEASIDE - rubbish (North Lancashire); eating ice cream, dogs, eating candy floss (Frinton); construction machinery, sewage (Clacton); nudity, singing (Brighton)
ILLEGALITIES: eating ice cream and eating candy floss at Frinton.  All the others are lawful.

Scores: Ian & Bob 5; Paul & Alex 4

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - the back legs of a mouse; the E.Coli 157 bacteria; a nematode worm; some raw sewage

(the sewage, as all the others have been found in food at branches of McDonald's)

Alex - the Queen; King Midas; Duncan Ferguson; Wild Harry McCann

(Ferguson, as all the others have struck gold)

Bob - Pierce Brosnan; Bob Holness; David Niven; Julian Clary

(Clary, as all the others have played James Bond)

Ian - the Labour Party conference; 10 Downing Street; the SS Karla; remand prisoner George X

(10 Downing Street, as all the others have been guarded by Group 4)

Scores: Ian & Bob 9; Paul & Alex 5

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: PIG TOPICS

I WON'T __________ VOWS CLIFF

YELTSIN KEEPS FINGER _________

LEESON MAY BE__________ IN A YEAR

__________ ENCOURAGED TO DRINK

HOW TO INJECT__________

PORTILLO PRESSED __________

NEWT __________ FOR MRS T'S BIRTHDAY

Final Scores: Ian & Bob 12; Paul & Alex 11

EPISODE 3:

"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and before you turn over to watch Julia Somerville on 'News At Ten', let me assure you that she does feature on this show as well."

FIRST BROADCAST: 10th November 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Melvyn Bragg; Paul Merton & Mike Yarwood

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Melvyn:   Government sets up further arms sales, then denies it when sellers are arrested

Paul & Mike:   MPs forced to declare outside financial interests

Ian & Melvyn:   Julia Somerville questioned over innocent naked pictures of her own child

Paul & Mike:   Northampton police pound the beat by bus

Scores: Ian & Melvyn 4; Paul & Mike 4

ROUND TWO - IMPRESSIONOMETER:

Harold Wilson - Paul nominates himself; Ian nominates Melvyn
Eddie Waring - Paul nominates Mike; Ian nominates Melvyn
Melvyn Bragg - Paul nominates himself; Ian nominates Melvyn
Jimmy Somerville - Paul nominates himself; Ian nominates himself

Scores: Ian & Melvyn 7; Paul & Mike 5

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Harold Pinter; Eric Bristow; Michael Caine; Brandon Lee

(Lee, as all the others went to Hackney Downs school)

Mike - Chris Eubank; Lord Sterling; Diane Abbott; Colin the Pigeon

(Colin, as all the others have been caught on a train without a valid ticket)

Melvyn - Elton John; Rachel Whitehead; Christo (I); Christo (II)*
(Whitehead, as all the others have wrapped up buildings)

Ian - Agatha Christie; Mystic Meg; Alastair Campbell; Melvyn Bragg
(Christie, as all the others have written pornographic literature)

*Christo & Christo are an entertainment act who wrap houses.

Scores: Ian & Melvyn 9; Paul & Mike 8

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: CONCRETE

GIN DRINKING TURNS DONKEYS INTO __________

IT'S GERMAN __________ DAY
SUPERMARKETS THRUST BANANAS INTO __________

HOT AND COLD WEATHER PROTECT PLASTIC __________

I THOUGHT __________

Final Scores: Ian & Melvyn 13; Paul & Mike 8

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and welcome to the show that takes a long, hard look at the serious news events of the week and then sniggers about the Heritage Minister having the word 'bottom' in her name."

FIRST BROADCAST: 17th November 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan Coren; Paul Merton & Terry Christian

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Alan:   Nigeria suspended from Commonwealth after hangings

Paul & Terry:   Princess Diana records "Panorama" interview

Ian & Alan:   Discovery that Edward VIII wanted Britain to be Nazi

Paul & Terry:   Graham Taylor resigns as Wolverhampton Wanderers manager

Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & Terry 4

ROUND TWO - SPOT THE ILLEGALITY:

HAMPSTEAD HEATH - caravans; rope swings; training whippets; cottaging in public lavatories; being shirtless; cavorting; chair-repairing; dancing; plucking geese; grazing geese
ILLEGALITIES: training whippets, chair-repairing and grazing geese. All the others are lawful.

Scores: Ian & Alan 5; Paul & Terry 4

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Roget's Thesaurus; the new British Rail timetable; Ian Hislop; Colin the Whale

(the timetable, as all the others have no appendix)

Terry - a tea urn; Boris Yeltsin; the SAS; Colin the Goose

(the tea urn, as all the others have been responsible for flight delays)

Alan - Mermansk submarine base; Sarajevo; Mrs Gillian Rimmer of Maidenhead; Colin the Fish

(Colin, as all the others have had their electricity cut off)

Ian - Harry Wu; Colin the Monkey; Jean-Pierre the Monkey; Michael Foot
(Colin, as all the others have been accused of spying)

Scores: Ian & Alan 7; Paul & Terry 6

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: FANCY FOWL

LET'S ALL __________ SAYS TEBBIT

FAMOUS MEN IN __________

I HAD NO IDEA CHICKENS COULD __________

INSANE VICAR WHO SWAPPED __________ FOR__________

I WANT TO HAVE __________ SAYS PAULA YATES

__________ RECORD INSPIRES THATCHER

BLAIR SEEKS __________ IN MEMBERS OF THE W.I.

Final Scores: Ian & Alan 11; Paul & Terry 7

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