"Good
evening and welcome to the show that does to those in the news what Princess
Diana did to James Hewitt - discusses them on television."
FIRST BROADCAST: 24th November 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Neil
Morrissey; Paul Merton
& Teresa
Gorman MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Neil: Princess Diana admits to adultery on
"Panorama" interview
Paul & Teresa: Brian Mawhinney pelted with paint by asylum bill
protestors
Ian & Neil: News International closes the Today newspaper
Paul & Teresa: New Beatles single and album released
Scores: Ian & Neil 4; Paul & Teresa 4
ROUND TWO - SPOT THE ILLEGALITY:
SWEDEN - Abba; hunting; drinking; massage; cowpat bingo; spudguns; boxing;
smacking children; whipping with leaves
ILLEGALITIES: cowpat bingo, boxing and smacking children. All the others are
lawful.
Scores: Ian & Neil 5; Paul & Teresa 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - John Redwood; Cilla Black; Barney Rubble; Colin the Donkey
(Colin,
as all the others have appeared at the MGM Cinema, Blackpool)
Teresa - Barings Bank; Jeffrey Archer's "First Among Equals";
Red Star parcels; John Major's cricket bat
(the
bat, as all the others have at one time been sold for a pound)
Neil - the Pope; the Cernabbas Giant; the Paris Obelisk; Mr Brewster
(the
Pope, as all the others have worn a condom)
Ian - St Bartholomew; Henry VIII; a druid; Colin the Rabbit
(St
Bartholomew, as all the others lived in homes now looked after by the Department
of National Heritage)
Scores: Ian & Neil 8; Paul & Teresa 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: None.
CHARLES __________ AMONG THE PILCHARDS
QUEEN
MUM PLANS __________
__________ IS NOT JUST FOR CHRISTMAS
SCOTS COULD SOON GET THEIR OWN__________
LORD
MACKAY IS JUST TRYING TO PULL __________
Final Scores: Ian & Neil 8; Paul & Teresa 13
"Good
evening and welcome to the repeat of this show, unless you're watching it on
Friday, in which case you can see the introduction of this programme
tomorrow."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st December 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan
Davies; Paul Merton &
Ken
Livingstone MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Ken: Chancellor's budget
Ian & Alan: Paddy Ashdown attacked by a knifeman
Paul & Ken: Police officer sacked for pulling youth's ear, then
reinstated
Ian & Alan: CCTV compilation video released into the shops
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & Ken 4
ROUND TWO - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Runaway horses charged into an outdoor studio during procession
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & Ken 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Michael Howard; Michael Itchyanus; Sellafield; Mr Yorkshire Bank
PLC Are Fascist Bastards
(Itchyanus,
as all the others have changed their names)
Ken - Michael Barrymore; Bromley Hockey Club; the prisoners of Alabama;
Barbara Cartland
(Barrymore,
as all the others regularly wear pink)
Alan - Bat ears; snoring; changing sex; having a rubber stuck up your
nose
(the rubber up the nose, as all the others require operations banned by
Berkshire Health Authority in order to save money)
Ian - Lenin; Carlos the Jackal; Tchaikovsky; Michael Itchyanus
(Itchyanus,
as all the others have Ilyich as a middle name)
Scores: Ian & Alan 7; Paul & Ken 11
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: RETAIL NEWS
MAJOR ORDERS SOAMES TO __________
POSTMAN PAT GETS __________
PATIENT'S BOTTOM WENT __________
MP PUT HEAD __________ SHARING BED WITH MAN
A TASTE FOR __________
MY 34 __________ BY CLIFF
BLAIR
GETS __________ AT NO. 10
Final Scores: Ian & Alan 11; Paul & Ken 14
"Good evening and welcome to the show and for those of you watching in
black and white, my suit tonight is a striking tangerine colour with lime
braid."
FIRST BROADCAST: 8th December 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Craig
Charles; Paul Merton
& PJ
O'Rourke
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Craig: Leeson jailed for Barings Bank collapse
Paul & PJ: Clinton visits Ulster
Ian & Craig: BBC sack Anne and Nick as "This Morning"
moves to London
Paul & PJ: Duchess of York loses jewels at airport
Scores: Ian & Craig 4; Paul & PJ 4
ROUND TWO - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Court officer hit in the face with cowpat thrown by New Age traveller
Scores: Ian & Craig 4; Paul & PJ 4
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Princess Diana; Prince William; Bisto the Royal spaniel;
shoplifter Clive Barrett
(Princess
Diana, as all the others have been electronically tagged)
PJ - Hillary Clinton; Michael Jackson; OJ juror Tracy Hampton; Paula
Yates
(Jackson, as all the others have posed naked)
Craig - Julie Burchill; Danny Baker; Arthur Smith; Craig Charles
(Baker,
as all the others have written columns for 'Time Out' magazine)
Ian - coffee; doughnuts; avocadoes; watching cricket
(coffee,
as all the others have been proved to increase sex drive)
Scores: Ian & Craig 8; Paul & PJ 4
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: DOGS TODAY
MAJOR OFFERS TAXPAYERS' CASH TO SET UP DIANA AS __________
__________ NEEDS WATERPROOF SOCKS
BOGUS BISHOP MADE TWO NUNS __________
CAN __________ BE DANGEROUS?
QUEEN MOTHER STEPS OUT WITH __________
GUIDE DOG FOR__________
YANKS BUY __________
WOMEN
PREFER __________ TO MEN
Final Scores: Ian & Craig 13; Paul & PJ 5
"Good
evening and I welcome you with words never before spoken on this programme -
with one show left, Ian is in the lead."
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th December 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Lee
Hurst; Paul Merton & Mark
Little
(Paul & Mark were joined by Colin the Parrot, on a perch between them)
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Lee: Lower libel awards recommended by Court of Appeal
Paul & Mark: Government announce rise in safe drinking limits
Ian & Lee: Malcolm McLaren asked to help brighten up Poland
Paul & Mark: New planet discovered in adjoining galaxy
Scores: Ian & Lee 4; Paul & Mark 4
ROUND TWO - HAS THE DAILY EXPRESS
GONE MAD?
This round was based on the habit of the Daily Express to ask minor celebrities
their views on a big question of the day. Each panellist was given the question
and told to choose which of six celebrities were asked by the newspaper to
answer it.
Lee - "Are men really born for adultery?" - Ian McCaskill
Mark - "Why do women fall for Mellor?" - John Peel
Ian - "Should jail be a place for leisure?" - Jeffrey Archer
Paul - "Does Diana deserve privacy?" - Freddie Trueman
Scores: Ian & Lee 5; Paul & Mark 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Nigel Lawson; Helmut Kohl; Harry Secombe; Cambridge
(Kohl,
as all the others have written diet books)
Mark - Barbara Streisand; Chcuk Berry; Paul Keating; Benito Mussolini
(Berry,
as all the others prefer to be photographed from one specific angle)
Lee - Lord Nelson; TS Eliot; Will Carling; John Prescott
(Prescott,
as all the others have had poetry published)
Ian - a pint of milk; a pint of shandy; a pint of maggots; a six-foot
burglar
(the
pint of milk, as all the others have been declared illegal under EC metric laws)
Scores: Ian & Lee 8; Paul & Mark 7
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ARAB NEWS
KINKY SEX NOT __________
MASSIVE
__________ DEVOURS HOME IN 15 SECONDS
DOCTORS SAY JACKO CAN __________
THE NEW LIFE FORM WITH A __________ AND, PERHAPS, __________
__________
COULD MAKE PRINCESS DI HAPPIER
Final Scores: Ian & Lee 10; Paul & Mark 11
Series
Score: Ian 4; Paul 4
Back to top
of page / Back
to Episode Guide Intro