"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you're watching this on
UK Gold in ten years' time, my name is Angus Deayton and I used to present the
show before Alan Titchmarsh took over."
FIRST BROADCAST: 19th April 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Paul Merton; Eddie
Izzard & Charles
Kennedy MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Paul: EC commissioner who banned British beef admits he
eats it
Eddie & Charles: Protestors arrested at Newbury bypass site
Ian & Paul: Scott report blasts Government over sale of arms to
Iraq
Eddie & Charles: Divorce for Duke and Duchess of York
Scores: Ian & Paul 4; Eddie & Charles 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Eddie & Charles: 'DANGERS OF THE HOKEY COKEY'
Parents sue holiday firm after son injures
himself doing the hokey cokey
Ian & Paul: 'GET YOUR EYES OFF MY THIGHS'
Princess Diana accused of having cellulite
Scores: Ian & Paul 7; Eddie & Charles 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Eddie - Pamela Anderson; Liam Gallagher; Tiggy Legge-Bourke; John
Humphrys
(Gallagher, as all the others have been recently burgled)
Charles - Lord Justice Scott; Sir George Young; Jeremy Paxman; Jon Snow
(Young, as all the others go to work on a bicycle)
Paul - a bottle of beer; a football; a group of Ford workers; a sheepdog
(the Ford workers, as all the others have been removed from photographs)
Ian - Emma Nicholson; Death; Nigel Short; the Deep Blue computer
(Death, as all the others have played chess against
Garry Kasparov)
Scores: Ian & Paul 10; Eddie & Charles 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: PATCHWORK & QUILTING
LAW COURT SENTENCES SPIDER TO __________
POPE TO CHOOSE NEW __________
GOLDEN __________: THE STORY OF A QUILT
ARCHER IN LINE FOR __________ JOB
FROG HUNTERS TOLD TO __________
__________ AS EFFECTIVE AS THE PILL
Final Scores: Ian & Paul 13; Eddie & Charles 7
"Good
evening and welcome to the show and if you enjoy seeing politicians hilariously
abused and humiliated, then keep watching because in half an hour Jeremy Paxman
is on 'Newsnight'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 26th
April 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Dermot
Morgan; Eddie
Izzard & Janet
Street-Porter
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Dermot: Conservatives launch tabloid to show how well
they're doing
Eddie & Janet: Princess Diana observes open heart surgery
Ian & Dermot: Eurotunnel makes £8billion loss
Eddie & Janet: New divorce bill goes through Parliament
Scores: Ian & Dermot 4; Eddie & Janet 4
ROUND
TWO - REGIONAL NEWS:
Eddie & Janet - ramblers exercise right of way through a new house
(Look West)
Ian & Dermot - frozen human excrement from aeroplane crashes into house
(Look East)
Scores: Ian & Dermot 5; Eddie & Janet 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Eddie - William Shakespeare; the Queen; a mayfly; King Kamehamea the V of
Hawaii
(the Queen, as all the others died on their
birthday)
Janet - Jarvis Cocker; Gerry Adams; Martin Bell; Spencer Percival
(Percival, as all the others wear bullet-proof
vests)
Dermot - Luciano Pavarotti; the Pope; David Icke; the Archbishop of
Canterbury
(the Archbishop, as all the others used to be
goalkeepers)
Ian - Martin Bashir; David Vine; Eric Morley; Michael Heseltine
(Bashir, as all the others have interviewed Miss
World)
Scores: Ian & Dermot 8; Eddie & Janet 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: FISHKEEPING ANSWERS
MANY BEACHES ARE __________ SAYS GUIDE
HOW TO KEEP __________ WARM
CHARLES PUSHED INTO __________
SELINA SCOTT'S __________ UPHELD
FETISHISTS WHIP UP __________
ALL I WANT TO DO IS __________
Final Scores: Ian & Dermot 8; Eddie & Janet 10
"Good
evening and welcome to the programme that looks to shaft people in positions of
power - well, if it's good enough for Oliver Hoare it's good enough for
us."
FIRST BROADCAST: 3rd May 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan
Davies; Clive
Anderson & Muhammad
Al-Massari
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Alan: Government performs badly in local elections
Clive & Muhammad: Former lovers of Princess Diana and the
Duchess of York sell their stories
Ian & Alan: Psychiatrist's report claims playwrights are mad
Clive & Muhammad: Glenn Hoddle appointed England football coach
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Clive & Muhammad 4
ROUND
TWO - CENSORED!
Clive & Muhammad - SAUDI ARABIA - Jonathan Aitken; Saddam
Hussein; back pain adverts featuring woman's naked back; McDonald's; Mark
Thatcher; camel racing; Barbara Cartland
(back pain adverts featuring woman's naked back;
news of Saddam Hussein's invasion of Kuwait and one of Barbara Cartland novels
are all censored in Saudi Arabia)
Ian & Alan - UK - morris dancing; Gerry Adams; injections
given to Gulf War soldiers; Cecil Parkinson; Sarah Keays; the Economist; Chelsea
pensioners
(news of Gulf War syndrome; article in the Economist about electricity
mergers and news of the illegitimate daughter of Cecil Parkinson and Sarah Keays
are all censored in the UK)
Scores: Ian & Alan 8; Clive & Muhammad 7
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Clive - Michael Howard; Letitia Dean; Rupert Allason; the McLibel Two
(Howard, as all the others have represented themselves in court)
Muhammad - an in-flight fountain; a mobile garden; a chauffeuse; a
single-stair escalator
(the chauffeuse, as all the others are owned by
King Fahd of Saudi Arabia)
Alan - a disabled person; Michael Portillo; some IRA files; a floor mop
(Portillo, as all the others can be found in Ministry of Defence cupboards)
Ian - the RAF; the Labour Party; St Wilgerfort; Victor Kiam
(St Wilgerfort, as all the others disapprove of
beards)
Scores: Ian & Alan 11; Clive & Muhammad 11
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: LOOT
BRYAN WAS MY BIGGEST __________
__________ WITH EXTENSION, GOOD CONDITION, £18
KOHL MAY EAT __________
__________ SAVES CLIMBER ON EVEREST
__________ NEVER BEEN USED, NO TIMEWASTERS, £175
Final Scores: Ian & Alan 13; Clive & Muhammad 15
"Good
evening and if you're watching on Saturday night, welcome to the repeat of
yesterday's show which went roughly like this."
FIRST BROADCAST: 10th May 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Claire
Rayner; Martin
Clunes & Neil
Morrissey
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Claire: Conservative MPs refuse to declare their interests
Martin & Neil: Russians expel British diplomats
Ian & Claire: Water shortages around the country
Martin & Neil: More men than women complaining of sexual
harassment in the workplace
Scores: Ian & Claire 5; Martin & Neil 3
ROUND
TWO - AGONY
Both teams shown four stills from "Deidre's Photo Casebook" in the
Sun and asked to fill in the dialogue and predict Deidre's advice.
STILLS - Man and au pair in living room; man and au pair in bed
together; man caught in bed with au pair by his son; woman agonises over whether
to believe her son's story.
ADVICE - "Don't accuse Ted. Perhaps he feels threatened. Use some
of your pay to take him out to dinner and re-establish your relationship as
lovers".
Scores: Ian & Claire 5; Martin & Neil 4
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Martin - John Wayne Bobbit; Nick Leeson; Nick Hornby; Babe
(Babe, as all the others have sold the film
rights to their lives)
Neil - Pembroke Street, York; Richard Madeley & Judy Finnegan; Norman
Lamont; J Howard Marshall II
(Marshall, as all the others have been disturbed by
the sound of people having sex)
Claire - Princess Diana; Prince Charles; the Queen; William
Gladstone
(the Queen, as all the others have made secret
nocturnal visits)
Ian - David Mellor; Andrew Neil; Stephen Dorrell; Dame Shirley Porter
(Porter, as all the others once shared the same flat)
Scores: Ian & Claire 5; Martin & Neil 5
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: INTERNATIONAL PEST CONTROL
MRS VAN GOGH HAS BRUSH WITH __________
__________: THE PROBLEM OF RESISTANCE
BLAIR STEPS INTO __________
IT'S NO SURPRISE AS IAN __________ AGAIN
SHARON STONE MADE ME __________ 12 HOURS A DAY
REPELLENT __________ MOVES NORTH
Final Scores: Ian & Claire 8; Martin & Neil 7
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