EPISODE
1:
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and we apologise to
the millions of viewers who have tuned in expecting our guests to be the two
stars of the hugely popular series 'The X-Files'. This information appeared in several newspapers and magazines
and yet no-one seems to know quite how it happened."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th October 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Greg
Proops;
Paul Merton & Ken
Livingstone MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Greg: Hamilton libel case
against Guardian collapses
Paul & Ken: Labour Party
conference
Ian & Greg: Six year old
American boy suspended from school for kissing girl of same age
Paul & Ken: Duchess of York's
psychic publishes conversations
Scores: Ian & Greg 4; Paul & Ken 4
ROUND
TWO - DEMONISER:
- eyes of Kevin Maxwell
- eyes of Damon Hill
- eyes of Thai diamond-eye cat
- eyes of Ian Hislop
Scores: Ian & Greg 10; Paul & Ken 12
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Robert the Bruce; Tony Bennett; Thomas Hardy; Frederic Chopin
(Bennett, as all the others had their
hearts removed after death)
Ken - Viacheslav Mihailovic Molotov; King Tutenkhamun; John Redwood; two
dogs
(Molotov,
as all the others have had alcoholic drinks named after them)
Greg - Viz comic; Martin Clunes; Mrs Blair*; Ronald McDonald of Aberdeen
(Clunes, as all the others are involved in
court cases with McDonald's)
Ian - Norma Major; Mary Poppins; Tiggy Legge-Bourke; Paula Yates
(Yates,
as all the others have been nannies)
*Mrs Blair is not the Labour leader's
wife, but a cafe owner.
Scores: Ian & Greg 12; Paul & Ken 16
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: PRIMA
OCTOBER
IS THE MONTH TO MAKE __________
NEVER
LET HIM SEE YOU __________
BBC APOLOGISES FOR __________
DON'T
LET YOUR DOCTOR __________
__________
ALARMED BY WONDERBRA
I'M
JUST A __________ SAYS BLAIR
Final Scores: Ian & Greg 13; Paul & Ken 18
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and for those of you who have
just turned over from watching 'Friends', where a group of young, attractive
people consistently exhibit their wit and good humour, welcome to the
antidote."
FIRST BROADCAST: 11th October 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Rhona
Cameron;
Paul Merton & Peter
Stringfellow
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Rhona: Conservative Party
conference
Paul & Peter: Fake home video
of Princess Diana
Ian & Rhona: Scotland win match
after opposition don't turn up
Paul & Peter: Volcano and flood
warnings in Iceland
Scores: Ian & Rhona 4; Paul & Peter 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Peter: 'TEED OFF BY GOLF
SNOBS'
Golf
club bans adopted boy from playing with his family
Ian & Rhona:
'BACON FRYING, VICAR TRYING, CHOIR RETIRING'
Church
choir refuses to sing modern hymns
Scores: Ian & Rhona 6; Paul & Peter 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - prehistoric man; Kenneth Clarke; Teddy Taylor; Woody Allen
(Taylor,
as all the others play musical instruments)
Peter - Georges Simenon; Casanova; Shane Richie; Rt Rev Roderick Wright
(Wright, as all the others have slept with
1,000 women)
Rhona - King Hussein of Jordan; Cecil Parkinson; Martin Clunes; Michael
Flatley
(Flatley,
as all the others have seen 'Riverdance' more than once)
Ian - Bill Clinton; Prince Andrew; Duchess of York; Roger Moore
(hoax
question - all are lookalikes and there was no Odd One Out)
Scores: Ian & Rhona 8; Paul & Peter 10
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: SEAFOOD INTERNATIONAL
JAPAN
AND CHINA JOIN IN __________ VENTURE
POLICE
USE __________ IN CRIME CRACKDOWN
__________
STILL NO.1 FOR MOST GERMANS
SHEEP
THAT LEARNED __________
NEW
LABOUR, NEW __________
FASTING
HERMIT IS TEMPTED BY __________
__________
SEEKS PARTNER
Final Scores: Ian & Rhona 8; Paul & Peter 11
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and apologies to the millions
of viewers who may have read that this week's guests were to be Lord Lawson and
Mark Little, as I'm afraid they are."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th October 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Mark
Little;
Paul Merton & Lord
(Nigel) Lawson
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Nigel: Conservative
candidate defects to Liberal Democrats
Ian & Mark: Plans to ditch the
quarantine laws
Paul & Nigel: Celebrities join
the Referendum Party
Ian & Mark: Passengers and
stewards push aircraft on to runway so it could take off
Scores: Ian & Mark 4; Paul & Nigel 4
ROUND
TWO - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Jeremy Paxman suffers from coughing fit during 'Newsnight'
Scores: Ian & Mark 4; Paul & Nigel 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul
- Sir Nicholas Scott; Camilla Parker-Bowles; Mohamed Al Fayed; Richard Madeley
and Judy Finnegan
(Al
Fayed, as all the others have been given police escorts)
Nigel - Michael Heseltine; Cecil Parkinson; Peter Mandelson; Vanessa
Feltz
(Mandelson, as all the others have been
interviewed in their pyjamas in the BBC Radio car)
Mark - Neil Hamilton; Mark Bosnich; John Redwood; Freddie Starr
(Redwood,
as all the others have done the Nazi salute)
Ian - Cliff Richard; Virginia Bottomley; Jim Callaghan; Margaret Thatcher
(Richard, as all the others have sung solo
at party conferences)
Scores: Ian & Mark 8; Paul & Nigel 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: WORLD PUMPS
SAVE
THE EARTH - EAT __________
__________
ON THE INTERNET
BLAIR
TAKES __________ BEHIND THE CURTAIN
__________
PUMP
MELLOR
WARNS AGAINST __________ FUDGE
Final Scores: Ian & Mark 9; Paul & Nigel 10
"Good
evening and a special hello to those of you who may have read in the current
edition of 'TV Quick' that this week's guests are Father Christmas and Rupert
the Bear. So welcome to the show -
I'm Jemima Puddleduck."
FIRST BROADCAST: 25th October 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Maureen
Lipman;
Paul Merton & Tony
Parsons
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul
& Tony: Government U-turn on
policy in the Queen's Speech
Ian & Maureen: Mining
protestors dig up Heseltine's lawn
Paul & Tony: Wallace and Gromit
lost in New York taxi
Ian & Maureen: Catholic church
issues political pamphlet
Scores: Ian & Maureen 4; Paul & Tony 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Maureen: 'GOT 'EM OUT FOR
THE LADS'
Release
of two frightened female witnesses from prison secured by The Sun
Paul & Tony:
'MENAGE A QUATRE - DASHA, MASHA AND NASTYA'
Russian
MP wants three wives
Scores: Ian & Maureen 6; Paul & Tony 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Sir Isaac Newton; George Bernard Shaw; Pinocchio; Virginia
Bottomley
(Bottomley, as none of the others went to
school)
Tony - the House of Lords; Verdi; Cliff Richard; Sue Lawley
(Richard,
as all the others have been the target of lesbian protestors)
Maureen - John Prescott; Rod Hull; Desmond Tutu; HMS Ironduke
(Hull,
as all the others have been awarded the freedom of the city of Hull)
Ian - John Carlisle; Steven Norris; the Pope; Toad of Toad Hall
(Toad,
as all the others have been second-hand car dealers)
Scores: Ian & Maureen 7; Paul & Tony 9
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: THE BUDGERIGAR
RAIL
STAFF WILL LEARN __________
CHILDREN
ARE __________ SAYS SPOCK
MP
WANTS __________ WIPEOUT
SKYBLUE
__________ BEATEN THREE TIMES
LENGTH
OF ACCEPTABLE __________ TO STAY AT 8.5 INCHES
Final
Scores: Ian & Maureen 9; Paul & Tony 11
Back to top of page / Back to Episode Guide Intro