EPISODE
5:
"Good evening and welcome to one of the few shows whose viewers are
evidently so bored with the programme, they amuse themselves by drawing it
(kids' sketch of the trio shown).
As a result, next week's guests will be a nude woman and a bowl of
fruit."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st November 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Gordon
Kennedy;
Paul Merton & Elvis
Costello
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Gordon:
Education Secretary suggests return of corporal punishment
Paul & Elvis:
Archer supports change in Royal succession rules
Ian & Gordon:
Personal Einstein papers sold
Paul & Elvis:
30th birthday of Action Man
Scores: Ian & Gordon 4; Paul & Elvis 4
ROUND
TWO - COMMERCIAL BREAK:
Ian & Gordon:
Benetton
ad featuring three hearts - complaint
about poor taste upheld
Paul & Elvis:
RyanAir
ad featuring hijacked plane - complaint
about poor taste upheld
Ian & Gordon:
Persil
ad featuring Dalmatian shaking off its spots - complaint about racism not upheld
Paul & Elvis:
Club
18-30 ad featuring slogan 'Beaver Espana' - complaint
about crudity, not upheld
Scores: Ian & Gordon 9; Paul & Elvis 7
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Mr Blobby; Zeus; Stonehenge; Dolly Parton
(Mr
Blobby, as all the others have theme parks still open)
Elvis - Tony Benn; Emma Thompson; Rupert Murdoch; Charles I
(Charles
I, as all the others have spoken out for Republicanism)
Gordon - the Queen's favourite picnic spot; Nicholas Villaroule's nose;
Bruno the dog; Paul Merton's garden
(Bruno,
as all the others have had unexploded devices found in them)
Ian - Bjork; Oasis; Reg Presley; Shaggy
(Oasis,
as all the others let the Smurfs cover one of their songs)
Scores: Ian & Gordon 11; Paul & Elvis 13
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: GAS INSTALLER
CLARKE:
I WON'T PLAY __________
BOYCOTT
USED ME AS __________
THE
11TH COMMANDMENT: THOU SHALT NOT __________
CONFETTI
ADDICT GETS __________
WATCH OUT, THERE'S __________ ABOUT
Final Scores: Ian & Gordon 14; Paul & Elvis 17
"Good
evening and welcome to the show with wittier, cleverer and more glamorous guests
than last week."
FIRST BROADCAST: 8th November 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tony
Hawks;
Paul Merton & Vincent
Hanna
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Vincent:
Clinton wins American elections
Ian & Tony: BBC's
60th anniversary celebrations
Paul & Vincent:
Ffyona Campbell's hoax worldwide walk
Ian & Tony:
Duchess of York admits adultery
Scores: Ian & Tony 4; Paul & Vincent 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Tony:
'TONY'S NEW BLAIR-DO'
Blair
has haircut to win favour with women voters
Paul & Vincent:
'TV LOVE STUNT TRIGGERS TRIAL'
Man
shoots gay admirer who was revealed to him on live TV
Scores: Ian & Tony 6; Paul & Vincent 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - the Pope; George Bush; Fidel Castro; Yuri Geller
(Castro,
as all the others worked for the CIA)
Vincent - John Birt; Liverpool FC; Robert Walker; a Roman dustman
(the
dustman, as all the others wear Armani clothing)
Tony - James Hewitt; PG Wodehouse; General Alci Biodes; Guy Fawkes
(Wodehouse, as all the others committed
treasonable offences)
Ian - Edward Heath; Denis Healey; Reverend Moon; Keith Moon
(Keith
Moon, as all the others went to Moonie conferences)
Scores: Ian & Tony 9; Paul & Vincent 11
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: THE SLASHER
JOBLESS?
TRY __________
__________
JACKO TO BE __________ AFTER SEX IN THE __________
PRINCE
CHARLES DONATES __________
SCOUTS
OUTRAGED BY __________
__________ MARKET BRANCHES OUT
Final Scores: Ian & Tony 15; Paul & Vincent 13
EPISODE
7:
"Good evening and welcome to the show and if anyone is watching this
programme having
recorded it on VideoPlus, you should be joining us
about......now."
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th November 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Mark Hurst;
Paul Merton &
Francis Wheen
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Mark:
European directive for
a 48-hour week
Paul & Francis:
Row over Tory whip's
chat with Members Interests committee
chairman
Ian & Mark:
Asteroids heading
towards earth
Paul & Francis:
African man fakes
death to hear views on him at funeral
Scores: Ian & Mark 4; Paul & Francis 4
ROUND
TWO - INTERNATIONAL NEWS:
Ian & Mark - Australian supermarket uses helicopter to retrieve trolleys
Paul & Francis - Finnish police use harpoons to stop stolen cars
Scores: Ian & Mark 4; Paul & Francis 8
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Tom Cruise; Medusa; Prince; a waiter
(Medusa,
as all the others have
a fear of eye
contact)
Francis - George Washington; George III; Prince Charles; Michael
Heseltine
(Washington, as all the others are known for tree-planting)
Mark - Liam Gallagher; Paula Yates; Dr Clive Froggatt; Master X*
(Master
X,
as all the
others have been arrested over drug allegations)
Ian - Adolf Hitler; Mark Thatcher; President Mbotu of Zaire; Colin Tampon
(Tampon, as all the others have Swiss bank accounts)
*Master X was a schoolboy who was searched by police after he was reported
for selling cocaine in
the playground, only for them to discover it was
sherbet.
Scores: Ian & Mark 5; Paul & Francis 13
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: DONUT DIRECTORY
PILL CLEARED OF CAUSING __________
A QUANTUM LEAP IN __________
__________ SUFFERS UNEXPECTED REVERSAL
GETTING THE BEST FROM YOUR __________
SEX
CLAMP HITS __________
Final Scores: Ian & Mark 6; Paul & Francis 19
EPISODE
8:
"Good evening and welcome to the show and if any Internet users are
considering accessing
the 'Have I Got News For You' website, you should get
out more."
FIRST BROADCAST: 22nd November 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jack
Docherty;
Paul Merton & Austin
Mitchell MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jack:
Government ban on
handguns is passed through Parliament
Paul & Austin:
Lorry fire in the
Channel Tunnel
Ian & Jack:
Bob Monkhouse recovers
his stolen joke book
Paul & Austin:
African warriors
receive weapons from UK arms firm
Scores: Ian & Jack 4; Paul & Austin 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Jack:
'JUNGLE JAB DROVE ME
WILD'
Duchess
of York claims her
misbehaviour is
all down to an injection
Paul & Austin:
'ANYONE SEEN OUR
ROCKET?'
Russian
space rocket crashes in
the Pacific
Scores: Ian & Jack 6; Paul & Austin 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Sean Connery; Prince Edward; Eric Cantona; Cameron Mackintosh
(Edward, as all the others have invested in West End plays)
Austin - Richard Gere; Peter Lilley; Prince Andrew; Liberace
(Gere,
as all
the others have been
publicly pronounced 'not gay')
Jack - Bernard Levin; Roger Cook; Alan Starkey; Frank Bruno
(Starkey,
as all
the others have
been punched on television)
Ian - Michael Jackson; Florence Nightingale; Bob Dole; Gail Platt of
'Coronation Street'
(Nightingale,
as all the others are married to nurses)
Scores: Ian & Jack 11; Paul & Austin 7
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: FIRESIDE
__________ HELPS YOU BREATHE MORE EASILY
SCOTT
GOES ON __________
__________ NOT KNOWN TO BLAIR
__________ IS NOT IDEAL
__________
HITS
ASHDOWN
Final Scores: Ian & Jack 15; Paul & Austin 8
"Good
evening and welcome to the show and with Ian Hislop 6-2 down in games and four
Fridays left until Christmas, what a shame tonight's show is the last in the
series."
FIRST BROADCAST: 29th November 1996
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan
Davies;
Paul Merton & Jennifer
Paterson
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Alan:
Mirror refuses to publish leaked Budget details
Paul & Jennifer:
French lorry blockade prevents Status Quo gig
Ian & Alan:
Row over Miss World contest in India
Paul & Jennifer:
Prince William shoots his first stag
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & Jennifer 4
ROUND
TWO - LOCAL NEWS:
Ian & Alan - tree lover staples protest letter to stump and is fined for
damaging trees
Paul & Jennifer - Russian taxmen use violent collection methods
Scores: Ian & Alan 5; Paul & Jennifer 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Linford Christie; Queen Jecasta of Thieves; Clare Short; Jennifer
Paterson
(Paterson,
as all the others are grandparents)
Jennifer - Archimedes; Dale Winton; Mae West; Princess Diana
(Archimedes,
as all the others have had colonic irrigation)
Alan - Roy Hattersley; Duchess of York; Pluto, King of the Underworld;
Pluto the Disney dog (Pluto the dog, as
all the others own dangerous dogs)
Ian - Robert Maxwell; Michael Howard; Tony Blair; Medeea
(Medeea,
as all the others beat their children)
Scores: Ian & Alan 10; Paul & Jennifer 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: TANDOORI
MPS
PROTEST AT HAVING TO SLEEP WITH __________
THE
CHOICE OF A WISE MAN: __________
OJ
WAS __________ AT TIME OF MURDERS
__________
SEX WINS COUPLE A CAR
__________
CAN ACT LIKE LAXATIVE
Final Scores: Ian & Alan 15; Paul & Jennifer 10
SERIES
SCORE: Ian 3; Paul 6
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