EPISODE
1:
"Good evening and a cheery welcome to the show that's guaranteed to take
you half an hour nearer to your own death."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th April 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Fred MacAulay; Paul
Merton & Fred MacAulay; Paul
Merton & Swampy
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Fred: Conservative election campaigning
Paul & Swampy: Pop bands backing political parties
Ian & Fred: Schoolgirl saves local pool by forcing councillors to give
up their complimentary Kit-Kats
Paul & Swampy: Protestors tunnel under Manchester Airport runway
Scores: Ian & Fred 6; Paul & Swampy 2
ROUND TWO - SOAP STARS UNDER NEW
LABOUR*:
*According to the Daily Mirror
Ian & Fred - 'EastEnders' mechanic Ricky Butcher, minimum wage and union
rights
Paul & Swampy - 'Coronation Street' tycoon Mike Baldwin, low taxes for small
businesses
Ian & Fred - 'Emmerdale' murder suspect Frank Tate, tougher sentences for
criminals
Paul & Swampy - 'Emmerdale' cafe owner Mandy Dingle, new hygiene laws
Scores: Ian & Fred 10; Paul & Swampy 3
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Terry Marsh; Jerry Hayes; Neil Hamilton; Martin Bell
(Bell,
as all the others have been punched in public)
Swampy - Diana Dors; Melinda Messenger; Desmond Morris; the Magic
Roundabout*
(the
roundabout, as all the others have left Swindon)
Fred - Bruce Wayne; Michael Heseltine; Ian Greer; Lurch
(Lurch,
as all the others employ butlers)
Ian - the Queen; John Major; Douglas Hogg; Norman Wisdom
(Wisdom,
as all the others have received gifts from Albania)
*The Magic Roundabout is an actual roundabout in Swindon, as opposed to the
children's TV series.
Scores: Ian & Fred 13; Paul & Swampy 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: WATER & EFFLUENT TREATMENT NEWS
CARDINAL HINTS AT ABOLITION OF __________
THIRD PARTY APPROACH TO __________
__________ BRINGS OUT THE BEAST IN ASHDOWN
BUTT WELDING FOR __________
NICK
PARK MAKES CHICKEN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Fred 16; Paul & Swampy 11
EPISODE
2:
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' which is going out
at a different time this week, so if you've switched on trying to avoid us, we
can only apologise."
FIRST BROADCAST: 25th April 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Hugh
Dennis; Paul Merton &
Will
Self
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul
& Will: Tories close gap on Labour over Europe
Ian & Hugh: Japanese embassy siege in Lima ends
Paul & Will: Men's ashes scattered in space
Ian & Hugh: Chocolate-flavoured vegetables served in schools
Scores: Ian & Hugh 4; Paul & Will 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Hugh: 'I DID NOT DINE WITH DR DISHY'
Princess
Diana denies romantic evening with heart surgeon
Paul & Will: 'IT PAYS TO ADVER-TYSON'
Mike
Tyson advertises his house for sale in Barnet free newspaper
Scores: Ian & Hugh 8; Paul & Will 4
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Andrew Lloyd Webber; Richard Attenborough; Paul Daniels; Frank
Bruno
(Attenborough, as all the others have threatened to emigrate if Labour win
the election)
Will - Jeffrey Archer; John Prescott; Robin Cook; Clare Short
(Prescott,
as all the others went to grammar school)
Hugh - Larry Walters; a sheep, a duck and a chicken; Richard Branson; Pra
Un Eklang*
(Eklang,
as all the others have been on balloon flights)
Ian - Arnold Schwarzenegger; Babe; William Shatner; Robin Day
(Shatner,
as all the others have pig's heart valves)
*Eklang is a Thai man whose wife severed his penis, tied it to a balloon and
released it into the air.
Scores: Ian & Hugh 9; Paul & Will 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ASSISTANT LIBRARIAN
THIRD TAIL SPOTTED ON __________
REDWOOD SCORES __________
__________ FOUND BURIED ON ROYAL ESTATE
__________ FOR __________ IN THE NEW NHS
OLD
LADY KEPT __________ IN HANDBAG
Final Scores: Ian & Hugh 12; Paul & Will 11
EPISODE
3 - ELECTION SPECIAL:
"Good evening and welcome to this Election Special and if you are one of
the hundreds of people who rang up to complain about last week's flashing
caption joke, we would like to express our sincere apologies." (caption
'HUMOURLESS BASTARDS' flashes up)
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st May 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Richard Wilson;
Paul Merton & Nick
Ross
ROUND ONE - ELECTION ANIMALS:
Paul & Nick: Conservative chicken aimed at Tony Blair for refusing
live TV debate
Ian & Richard: Labour bulldog and Tory lion mascots
Scores: Ian & Richard 3; Paul & Nick 3
ROUND TWO - ON THE STUMP:
Ian & Richard - Kenneth Clarke and his huge shoes; John Major's
volunteer street clearers for walkabouts; Margaret Thatcher states Labour would
'surrender' over fishing rights
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Thatcher pays for groceries with cheque
but has no guarantee card
Paul & Nick - Paddy Ashdown plays a nurse, a car sprayer and a
fishmonger
BONUS - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Ashdown gets name of young wall climber
wrong
Ian & Richard - free Labour video for younger voters featuring Tony
Blair in denim shirt
Paul & Nick - fringe candidates Trevor the Toe and Miss Moneypenny
Scores: Ian & Richard 9; Paul & Nick 7
ROUND THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: Party slogans, with the 'headlines' taken from backdrops
during speeches
__________ MEAN __________ (backdrop: Blair)
CURRIE: AFTER MAY 1ST THERE WILL BE __________
__________ MIRACLE (backdrop: Major)
ASHDOWN: JOHN MAJOR REMINDS ME OF __________
__________
CASH (backdrop: Neil Hamilton)
Final Scores: Ian & Richard 13; Paul & Nick 12
EPISODE
4:
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the dawning of a
bold new era, as Ian Hislop is leading 3-0."
FIRST BROADCAST: 9th May 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Maureen Lipman;
Paul Merton, Neil Hamilton & Christine
Hamilton
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & the Hamiltons: Labour win the election
Ian & Maureen: The new Cabinet unveiled
Paul & the Hamiltons: Candidates for new Conservative leader
Ian & Maureen: Beatles songs to be put in the Proms
Scores: Ian & Maureen 4; Paul & the Hamiltons 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & the Hamiltons: 'BAD MOOS FOR FISHERMEN'
Boat
sunk in Japan after cow falls out of plane and crashes on to it
Ian & Maureen: 'SIGN OF THE CRIME FOR CHEATING HUSBAND'
Wronged
wife forces husband to wear sandwich board detailing his indiscretions
Scores: Ian & Maureen 6; Paul & the Hamiltons 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & the Hamiltons: Dame Shirley Porter; Slobodan Milosevic;
Gerry Adams' bodyguards; Martin Bell
(Bell,
as all the others have been accused of vote-rigging)
Ian & Maureen: Ian Hislop; Tim Smith; Richard Gere; Neil
Hamilton
(Hamilton, as all the others have had cash from Mohamed Al Fayed)
Scores: Ian & Maureen 12; Paul & the Hamiltons 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: RITZ MAGAZINE
NHS CUTS DOWN ON __________
__________ IS POSSIBLE AT THE RITZ
HEZZA GETS OUT OF __________
WI TO REMOVE __________ FROM LAVATORY CUBICLES
PORTILLO:
IT'S TIME FOR ME TO __________
Final Scores: Ian & Maureen 14; Paul & the Hamiltons 13
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