"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and we'd like to point out to any confused viewers that this is the first of a brand new series and not a repeat, unless you're watching on Saturday, in which case it's a repeat of the first of a brand new series. Hope that clarifies things for you."
FIRST BROADCAST: 25th October 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Bob
Monkhouse; Paul Merton
& Ken
Livingstone MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Ken: Stock market hits
trouble
Ian & Bob: The Queen's
uncomfortable trip to India
Paul & Ken: Headless frog
developed for genetic experiments
Ian & Bob: Tory MP Piers
Merchant has fling with 18-year-old girl
Scores: Ian & Bob 4; Paul & Ken 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Ken: ‘PRESIDENT
CLINTON’
Woman
claims Clinton's penis curves upwards
Ian & Bob: ‘EX CABI-KNIT’
Conservative
bonding session, complete with vile jumpers
SCORES: Ian & Bob 6; Paul & Ken 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Tony Adams; Andy Norris; Andy Green; Linford the Squirrel
(Green,
as all the others have been caught breaking the speed limit)
Ken - Gordon Brown; Robin Cook; William Hague; Michael Portillo
(Portillo,
as all the others have taken girlfriends to party conferences)
Bob - Tony Blair; John Major; George Carey; Baron Frankenstein
(Frankenstein, as all the others used to work for the London Electricity
Board)
Ian - Princess Diana; Henry VIII; Frankenstein's monster; Noddy
(Princess
Diana, as all the others have been on postage stamps)
Scores: Ian & Bob 8; Paul & Ken 11
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ACCOUNTANCY MATTERS
__________ CRISIS HITS NORTHERN IRELAND
LIVINGSTONE
LAUNCHES __________
FRANCE OPPOSES __________
LABOUR
REBELS TOLD __________ GAG
Final Scores: Ian & Bob 9; Paul & Ken 13
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and if you're watching the Saturday repeat of this show, that's very impressive because it's going out on Sunday."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st November 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Max
Boyce; Paul Merton & Alex
Salmond MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Max: Chancellor makes big
speech on monetary union
Paul & Alex: Neil Hamilton
reveals taped recordings between Mohamed Al Fayed and Tiny Rowland
Ian & Max: ‘FALL IN YOU
DROP-OUTS’
Plans
to recruit the homeless into the Army
Paul & Alex: ‘WAX COLLECTOR
OUT ON HIS EAR’
Man
collects a jar of his own earwax for medical research
Scores: Ian & Max 4; Paul & Alex 4
ROUND TWO - GAFFOMETER:
Paul & Alex - Paul Gascoigne offends Norway
Ian & Max - Bill Clinton offends Wales
Paul & Alex - Francis Gallagher offends Scotland
Ian & Max - Prince Philip offends Scotland, Australia, China, Kenya, India
and Hungary
Scores: Ian & Max 11; Paul & Alex 9
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Alex - Jonathan Aitken; Alan Yentob; Emma Benino; Fiona Hislop
(Yentob, as all the others have supported the legalisation of cannabis)
Ian & Max - Prince Charles; William Hague; John Redwood; Vinny Jones
(Redwood, as all the others know the Welsh national anthem)
Scores: Ian & Max 14; Paul & Alex 12
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: WALES ON SUNDAY
__________ BIGGER THAN SCARY SPICE
MPS
TO WAKE UP __________
__________
SWEET TALKS WOMEN INTO BED
CAREY
SAYS 2000 IS __________
BRAIN
TRANSPLANT MAKES CHICKEN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Max 15; Paul & Alex 16
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you're watching the Sunday repeat, let's hope no-one mentioned in the show died horribly on Saturday night. Especially not me."
FIRST BROADCAST: 8th November 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Dermot
Morgan; Paul Merton &
Francis
Wheen
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Dermot: Outcry over
Louise Woodward's murder conviction
Paul & Francis: Formula 1 made
exempt from ban on tobacco sponsorship
Ian & Dermot: Oasis gig in
Paris postponed due to blockading trucks
Paul & Francis: Planned
Millennium projects
Scores: Ian & Dermot 4; Paul & Francis 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Francis: ‘THE CARTOON
INVASION’
Cartoons
criticised for not being educational enough
Ian & Dermot: ‘THE SHOW ISN'T
OVER UNTIL THE CULTURE SECRETARY SINGS’
Government plans to put three opera companies in the same building
Scores: Ian & Dermot 6; Paul & Francis 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Ian & Dermot: Alan Clark; David
Steel; Ffion Jenkins; Max Hastings
(Clark,
as all the others oppose a ban on fox hunting)
Paul & Francis: Sue Barker;
Ronnie Biggs; John Prescott; Alan Clark
(Prescott, as all the others own rottweilers)
Scores: Ian & Dermot 6; Paul & Francis 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: COMPRESSED AIR INTERNATIONAL
NEVER __________ WITH PARTS OF THE HUMAN BODY
SHOCK!
SENSATION! WOW!
__________
I
THINK, THEREFORE __________
BIGGLES
INSPIRED __________
__________ MAKES YOU BRAINY
Final Scores: Ian & Dermot 7; Paul & Francis 12
"Good evening and welcome to the show that's so
important that the Independent last week asked "Is 'Have We Got News For
You' (sic) or 'Casualty' or 'Brookside' really a worse alternative to cannabis
and recreational buggery?" Answers on a postcard."
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th November 1997
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Graeme
Garden; Paul Merton &
Kirsty
Young
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul
& Kirsty: Missiles launched on
Iraq over UN inspection dispute
Ian & Graeme: Scandal over
Labour benefactors
Paul & Kirsty: ‘SAVED BY
ZOBEL’
Louise
Woodward released by judge
Ian & Graeme: ‘NO MORE MR
SPICE GUY’
The
Spice Girls fire their manager
Scores: Ian & Graeme 4; Paul & Kirsty 4
ROUND TWO - AND FINALLY... :
Barn owl imitator's conversations with owl turn out to be with another imitator
Woman cuts down church bell ropes to stop the noise which keeps her awake
Woman uses late husband's ashes in her egg-timer
Scores: Ian & Graeme 8; Paul & Kirsty 7
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Kirsty - Jon Snow; Michael Fish; Dickie Bird; a scarecrow
(Snow,
as all the others work while standing up)
Ian & Graeme - Nicholas Soames; Jonathan Aitken; Peter Baring; Cannon &
Ball
(Cannon & Ball, as all the others were unaware of the activities of
companies of which they were board members)
Scores: Ian & Graeme 9; Paul & Kirsty 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: POTATO ABSTRACTS
__________ HAVE HAD THEIR CHIPS
BLACK
BAGS PROPOSED FOR __________
__________ BREEDING IN RUSSIA
THE
QUEEN WINS __________ IN SWINDON
SUPERMODELS TO JOIN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Graeme 12; Paul & Kirsty 11
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