EPISODE 1:

"Good evening and at the beginning of a new series, our thanks go out to the new Australian version of this show which will differ from ours, apparently because according to its presenter Paul McDermott: 'The English have an established class system and their show's humour relies more on in-breeding, lisps and landed gentry.' Absolute rubbish, of course, as this cover of the 'Radio Times' will testify." (picture of the trio in dinner suits and sporting stern expressions)

FIRST BROADCAST: 17th April 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Patrick Kielty; Paul Merton & Stephen Bayley

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Patrick:  Peace agreement in Northern Ireland

Paul & Stephen:  Post Office bid to take over National Lottery

Scores: Ian & Patrick 2; Paul & Stephen 2

ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - David Schwimmer; Monica Lewinsky; Nicolas Cage; George Michael
(Michael, as all the others went to Beverly Hills High)

Stephen - Alan Titchmarsh; Robin Cook; Rupert Allason; Gavin Esler

(Cook, as all the others have written novels about their own professions)

Ian - Lord Irvine; Ken Hom; Marcel Dhaji-Smith; Carol Smillie

(Smillie, as all the others have seen Irvine's state-funded redecorations)

Patrick - Donald Dewar; Lord Irvine; Randy Brown; Peter Powell

(Dewar, as all the others have offered the professional services of their wives)

Scores: Ian & Patrick 2; Paul & Stephen 3

ROUND THREE - COOLOMETER:

Naomi Crouch, the model for the Body Zone in the Dome  - cool

Chumbawamba, one of whom threw ice over John Prescott at the BRIT awards - uncool
Orthopaedic shoe for cows, an invention for the Millennium - cool

Scores: Ian & Patrick 6; Paul & Stephen 7

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: PEA & BEAN PRODUCTS

11-TON STEAK PIE GETS __________

__________ BLAMED FOR FIRE IN MONKEY HOUSE

BUTTERFLY SET TO DEVASTATE __________

__________ HAD ROCKET WARHEAD
ENORMOUS __________ IN PANTS

Final Scores: Ian & Patrick 6; Paul & Stephen 12

EPISODE 2:

"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' at the end of National TV Turn-Off Week, and for those viewers taking part in that, congratulations on your willpower."

FIRST BROADCAST: 24th April 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Janet Street-Porter; Paul Merton & Boris Johnson

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Janet:  Nuclear waste dumped in Scotland

Paul & Boris:  Government orders more homework for schoolchildren

Ian & Janet:  England squad take faith healer to the World Cup

Paul & Boris:  Large chunk of ice breaks away from Antarctica

Scores: Ian & Janet 4; Paul & Boris 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Ian & Janet:  ‘CRY-BABY BRITAIN’  

Professor's essay on over-reactive grieving of Princess Diana's death

Paul & Boris:  ‘RESERVOIR JOGS’

Invention of the deodorised training shoe

Scores: Ian & Janet 6; Paul & Boris 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Donald Dewar; Stephen Bayley; Ian Paisley; Leonardo DiCaprio
(DiCaprio, as all the others refuse to go to the cinema)

Boris - Sean Connery; Bob Hope; Rupert Murdoch; Jimmy Savile

(Connery, as all the others have papal knighthoods)

Janet - Janet Street-Porter; William Hague; Cecil Parkinson; Christine Hamilton

(Parkinson, as all the others were Young Conservatives)

Ian - Monica Lewinsky; Tiny Rowland; Camilla Parker-Bowles; Linda Tripp
(Tripp, as all the others have been covertly taped)

Scores: Ian & Janet 11; Paul and Boris 9

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: RAMBLING TODAY

FLOODING IS CAUSED BY __________

CHILDREN ARE NOT __________ SAY TEACHERS
ASTROCHIMPS IN __________

__________ IS A MOUNTAIN

Final Scores: Ian & Janet 13; Paul & Boris 12

EPISODE 3:

"Good evening and welcome to the show which TV viewers have unanimously voted the one they most like to record while watching 'Frasier'."

FIRST BROADCAST: 1st May 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Will Self; Paul Merton & John Humphrys

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul & John:  Claims that products are exploiting the memory of Princess Diana

Ian & Will:  Government war on drugs

Paul & John:  ‘UPPER HOUSE COOKS DOWN UNDER’

Australian anteaters to be imported to get rid of a plague of termites

Ian & Will:  ‘THE ONLINE GORILLA’

Gorilla who can use computers

Scores: Ian & Will 4; Paul & John 4

ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul & John - John Major; James Callaghan; Sarah Fitzpatrick*; John Humphrys
(Fitzpatrick, as all the others never went to university)

Ian & Will - Richard Baker; Julian Lloyd-Webber; Lesley Garrett; Mick Hucknall

(Hucknall, as all the others are campaigners against muzac)

*Sarah Fitzpatrick was a contestant on 'University Challenge' who later turned down a request to pose topless for the Sun.

Scores: Ian & Will 4; Paul & John 4

ROUND THREE - THE ROCK 'N' ROLL YEAR:

(All questions relate to the year of New Labour in power)

Paul - Robin Cook leaves his wife and marries his mistress

(music: "You Sexy Thing" - Hot Chocolate)

John - reduction in single parent benefits

(music: "Mama" - Spice Girls)

Ian - Formula One exempt from tobacco advertising ban

(music: "Road Rage" - Catatonia)

Will - Jack Straw's son caught dealing cannabis

(music: "The Drugs Don't Work" - The Verve)

Scores: Ian & Will 9; Paul & John 13

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: FISHMEAL UPDATE

QUEEN IS DRAGGED INTO __________

BEES CALLED UP TO FIGHT __________
__________ FOR THE NEXT MILLENNIUM

HUGE SUPPORT FOR __________

RADIO 4 MAY STOP __________

Final Scores: Ian & Will 10; Paul & John 17

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and we start with an apology to Jeffrey Archer. We're sorry you were born."

FIRST BROADCAST: 8th May 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Dr Phil Hammond; Paul Merton & Patrick Moore

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Paul & Patrick:  EU row over who will run the bank for the Euro currency

Ian & Phil:  Government announces plans to avoid the Millennium Bug

Paul & Patrick:  Candidates for the role of Mayor of London

Ian & Phil:  Carlton TV documentary on drug trafficking turns out to be fake

Scores: Ian & Phil 4; Paul & Patrick 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul & Patrick:  ‘HEAVENLY BODIES ON THE PULL’

Alignment of planets set to supposedly cause storms and tidal waves on Earth

Ian & Phil:  ‘TOP FLIGHT SURGERY’

Cardiac surgeons on plane save fellow passenger who suffers coronary

Scores: Ian & Phil 6; Paul & Patrick 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Lena Zavaroni; the Queen; Mel B; Patrick Moore

(Moore, as all the others have had homes burnt down)

Patrick - Michael Howard; Perez de Cuiller; Jimmy Carter; Michael Knighton
(Howard, as all the others have seen flying saucers)

Phil - Gandhi; a Chinese crested dog; Donald Dewar; Joseph, son of Jacob
(Joseph, as all the others have no coat)

Ian - Prince Charles; Tony Blair; Richard Branson; Alan Shearer

(Blair, as all the others have been mistaken for the Prime Minister)

Scores: Ian & Phil 7; Paul & Patrick 9

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: RAF WIVES

SURPRISE AS GAZZA __________

__________ IN QUIZ VICTORY

__________ IS THE SAFEST SUNWEAR

__________ COMES FROM OUTER SPACE

Final Scores: Ian & Phil 8; Paul & Patrick 13

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