EPISODE
5:
"Good evening and welcome to the show which we are proud to say this week
the Daily Mail was kind enough to describe as 'our wittiest quiz show'.
(photo of headline shown, with words 'is a scam' scribbled out)
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th May 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jonathan
King; Paul Merton & John
Sergeant
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul
& John: Robin Cook criticised over arms to Sierra Leone case
Ian & Jonathan: Israeli transsexual wins Eurovision Song Contest
Paul & John: 'SMILE, YOUR CHEQUE'S IN THE POST'
Hello!
magazine's tenth birthday
Ian & Jonathan: 'EARTH MOVES FOR INDIA'
India
and Pakistan test nuclear bombs
Scores: Ian & Jonathan 4; Paul & John 4
ROUND TWO - REGIONAL NEWS:
Paul & John - world's rarest moss discovered in Derbyshire
Ian & Jonathan - Kent summit negotiator who uses puppets in debates
Scores: Ian & Jonathan 5; Paul & John 5
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul: Richard O'Brien; William and Mary; the mighty Thesius of
Crete; Robin Cook
(Thesius,
as all the others own mazes)
John - Swampy; a cuckoo, Peter Mandelson; Caroline Rushton
(Rushton,
as all the others have been squatters)
Jonathan - Alan McGee; Jonathan King; Esther Rantzen; Marcelo Rodriguez*
(Rodriguez, as all the others discovered pop stars)
Ian - Tommy Smith; Gareth Southgate; Tony Banks; Glenda Jackson
(Southgate,
as all the others have scored penalties)
*Marcelo Rodriguez was the LA police officer who discovered George Michael's
indiscretion in the public toilet.
Final Scores: Ian & Jonathan 11; Paul & John 10
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if it's BAFTA winning
comedy you want then 'The Fast Show' should be repeated in the Autumn."
FIRST BROADCAST: 22nd May 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Dr
Germaine Greer; Paul
Merton & Chris
Donald
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Germaine: Ulster
referendum on the Good Friday agreement
Paul & Chris: G8 meeting in
Birmingham
Ian & Germaine: Debate over
whether duty free should be abolished
Paul & Chris: Porcelain statues
of Princess Diana sold without the fund's authority
Scores: Ian & Germaine 4; Paul & Chris 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Chris: ‘COSTA DEL SPOOF’
Students
successfully pass off Scarborough trip as art after claiming they went to Spain
Ian & Germaine: ‘FASHION
OR TRASHION’
Emma
Noble wears transparent dress to the BAFTAs
Scores: Ian & Germaine 6; Paul & Chris 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Madonna; Boris Yeltsin; Ian Hislop; Tinky Winky
(Tinky
Winky, as all the others own the full set of Teletubbies)
Chris - Tony Blair; Cardinal Hulme; Douglas Hall; Reotara Hashimoto
(Hulme,
as all the others did not attend the FA Cup Final but wanted to)
Ian - John the Baptist; the Little Mermaid; the Hydra; Deborah Parry
& Lucille McLaughlin (Parry & McLaughlin, as all the others have been
beheaded)
Germaine - Ronald Reagan; John F Kennedy; Humphrey Bogart; Harpo Marx
(Marx,
as all the others had wives who had flings with Frank Sinatra)
Scores: Ian & Germaine 10; Paul & Chris 10
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: DRAIN TRADER
ASTRONOMERS FIND __________ IN THE SKY
__________ SET TO RISE
MY BODY IS MERELY __________, SAYS HODDLE
__________
DEGREE RESULTS BOOSTED BY STATE PUPILS
Final Scores: Ian & Germaine 11; Paul & Chris 15
"Good
evening and welcome to the penultimate show of the series with Paul Merton 4-2
in the lead, and if you're interested in the overall score since the first show
of Series One, you should get out more."
FIRST BROADCAST: 29th May 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Antony
Worrall-Thompson; Paul
Merton & Oona
King MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Oona: War veterans turn
their backs on Emperor of Japan as he visist Britain
Ian & Antony: Perjury charge
for Jonathan Aitken
Paul & Oona: ‘RIVALS GO OFF
AT THE DEEP END’
The
emergence of 'pool rage'
Ian & Antony: ‘ANYONE FOR
AFTERBIRTH?’
Censure
for TV show which cooked placenta dish
Scores: Ian & Antony 4; Paul & Oona 4
ROUND TWO - NAME THAT FOOD:
Paul & Oona - annual cheese rolling contest held in Gloucestershire
Ian & Antony - annual tomato fighting festival in Spain
Scores: Ian & Antony 5; Paul & Oona 7
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul
- Robert de Niro; Benjamin Netanyahu; John Redwood; George Best
(Redwood, as all the others married air hostesses)
Oona - Marilyn Monroe; Berthold Brecht; Miriam Stoppard; John Major
(Brecht,
as all the others married playwrights)
Ian - Diana Ross; Douglas Fairbanks; Horatio Nelson; Nigel Lawson
(Ross,
as all the others named their children after themselves)
Antony - Julie Goodyear; Mohamed Al Fayed; Shirley Bassey; Robin Cook
(Cook, as all the others have had personal assistants walk out on them)
Scores: Ian & Antony 7; Paul & Oona 13
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: PARASITOLOGY TODAY
HALF OF __________ UNSAFE
__________ EMBARRASS LABOUR
WHY DON'T WE HAVE A __________?
PUPILS
SHOULD __________ SAYS MINISTER
Final Scores: Ian & Antony 10; Paul & Oona 16
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and to anyone watching us on
pay-per-view television, that'll be £2.79."
FIRST BROADCAST: 5th June 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Danny
Baker; Paul Merton & Richard
Wilson
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Danny: Paul
Gascoigne left out of the England World Cup squad
BONUS: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? - Gascoigne trips schoolboy who tackles him
Paul & Richard: Conservative
front bench reshuffle
BONUS: WHAT HAPPENED NEXT? Edward Heath picks his nose while waiting to go on TV
Scores: Ian & Danny 2; Paul & Richard 5
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Danny: ‘JUDGEMENT
DI’
Television
documentary on the suspicions over Princess Diana's death
Paul & Richard: ‘WHEN
5 BECOME 4’
Geri
Halliwell quits the Spice Girls
Scores: Ian & Danny 4; Paul & Richard 7
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Robin Cook; Alex Salmond; Robin Oakley; Donny Osmond
(Osmond,
as all the others have been racing tipsters)
Richard - Alistair Campbell; Sir Peter Hall; Piers Morgan; Jarvis Cocker
(Campbell, as all the others have turned on the Labour Party)
Danny - the Spice Girls; Lara Croft; the cast of Riverdance;
Weston-super-Mare
(Weston-super-Mare,
as all the others have been technically enhanced)
Ian - Edwina Currie; Jackie Collins; Tony Blair; Ian Wright
(Blair,
as all the others have presented chat shows)
Final Scores: Ian & Danny 10; Paul & Richard 14
SERIES
SCORE: Ian 2; Paul 6
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