"Good
evening and welcome to a brand new series of 'Have I Got News For You'. A new
set, new rounds, new ideas - all utterly rejected."
FIRST BROADCAST: 23rd October 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & John
Simpson; Paul Merton & Magnus
Magnusson
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & John: Chile president
General Pinochet arrested on arrival in Britain
Paul & Magnus: 'Blue Peter'
presenter Richard Bacon sacked for taking cocaine
Scores: Ian & John 4; Paul & Magnus 4
ROUND
TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Tony Blair; Robin Cook; Germany; Jordan*
(Jordan,
as all the others have been involved in rigged phone polls)
Magnus - Geoffrey Boycott; Nigel Dempster; Alistair Campbell; Bjork
(Boycott, as all the others have hit
journalists)
Ian - Vera Lynn; Yehudi Menuhin; Richard Attenborough; Colonel Gadaffi
(Gadaffi, as all the others were on Carlos
the Jackal's hit list)
John - Jacques Delors; Bill Gates; Bernhard Henri Levey; the Pope
(the
Pope, as all the others have been victims of flanflinging Belgian anarchists)
*Jordan is a Page Three topless model.
Scores: Ian & John 7; Paul & Magnus 8
ROUND
THREE - MASTERBRAIN:
Paul ("a former civil servant from Tooting") - specialist
subject: the Starr report
Ian - ("a magazine salesman from Clapham") - specialist
subject: the life of Rupert Murdoch
Magnus - ("a quiz show host from Rekjavik") - specialist
subject: Mastermind
John - ("John Cody Fiddler-Simpson, the BBC World Affairs
Editor") - specialist subject: Christmas cracker jokes
Scores: Ian & John 7; Paul & Magnus 9
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: CIGAR OFFICIANADO
WOMAN BIT INTO CHOCOLATE BAR AND FOUND
__________
__________
NO PROBLEM FOR PENGUINS
VIAGRA
WORKERS WANT __________
DO
YOU OFFER A __________ ON A FIRST DATE?
Final Scores: Ian & John 8; Paul & Magnus 13
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' in a week where we all got an
extra hour's sleep, thanks to the return of 'Noel's House Party'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 30th October 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Ian
McCaskill; Paul Merton
& Michael
Mansfield QC
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Ian - Ron Davies quits as Welsh Secretary after mysterious incident on
Clapham Common
Paul & Michael - Argentinian president visits Britain and gives false
apology for the Falklands War
Ian & Ian: 'I'M NO BOOK
WORM, SAYS CHAS'
Prince
Charles denies collaborating on a book which criticises Princess Diana
Paul & Michael:
'STORM IN AN EGG CUP'
Delia
Smith's basics cookery show accused by Gary Rhodes of being insulting
Scores: Ian & Ian 4; Paul & Michael 4
ROUND
TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Peter Mandelson; Mick Jagger; Tommy Lee; Michael Howard
(Mandelson,
as all the others have married models, been in rock bands and been in prison)
Michael - the Duchess of York; Princess Diana; Louise Woodward; Tony
Bullimore
(the
Duchess of York, as all the others have been interviewed by Martin Bashir)
Ian H - Michael Owen; Princess Diana; Michael Mansfield; Dolly the Sheep
(Mansfield, as all the others have
patented their names)
Ian M - Thor; 200 monks; Chris Bonington; the Morocco Swallows
(Thor,
as all the results have been struck by lightning)
Scores: Ian & Ian 5; Paul & Michael 11
ROUND
THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: WEATHER MAGAZINE
__________
BURSTS IN THE PACIFIC
LAWYERS
AND PLUMBERS __________
PASSIONATE FEMALE SEAHORSES __________
REFORMED
GASCOIGNE TURNS INTO __________
MELLOR
FAILS TO __________
MOST
PEOPLE HAVE AN INTEREST IN __________
Final
Scores: Ian & Ian 7; Paul & Michael 13
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You'. As you may have heard, the BBC
has issued a ban on mentioning certain aspects of Peter Mandelson's life. We,
however, refuse to submit to any form of censorship and... (interrupted by
interference and the Test card) ...for a meal in Clapham."
FIRST BROADCAST: 6th November 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jackie
Mason; Paul Merton & Michael
Crick
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jackie: BBC ban
references to Peter Mandelson's sexuality after his 'outing' on
"Newsnight"
Paul & Michael: Outbreaks of
violence on aeroplanes
Ian & Jackie: Democrats perform
well in American mid-term elections
Paul & Michael: Cabbie joins
race for the role of London Mayor
Scores: Ian & Jackie 5; Paul & Michael 6
ROUND
TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Peter Mandelson; the Queen; Michael Jackson; Jason Donovan
(Donovan,
as all the others have had West End stores opened specially for them)
Michael - Lord Baden Powell; Sox the Cat*; Payne Stewart; Peter Mandelson
(Sox, as all the others wear long socks)
Ian - Ron Davies; Peter Mandelson; Lenin; James Bond
(Bond,
as all the others have been the subject of MI5 files)
Jackie - Winston Churchill Jnr; Jackie Mason; Adam; Peter Mandelson
(Adam,
as all the others followed in their grandfathers' footsteps)
*Sox is Chelsea Clinton's pet cat.
Scores: Ian & Jackie 11; Paul & Michael 8
ROUND
THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: SCOTTISH DENTIST
JUDGES FOUND GUILTY OF BEING __________,
__________ AND __________
__________ PALACE
__________
HEADS TOWARDS MILLENNIUM
__________
FOR DEAD WITCHES
__________
HALTED BY THE MIGHTY NEWT
QUEEN
TELLS CHARLES __________
Final Scores: Ian & Jackie 13; Paul & Michael 10
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 13th November 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan
Titchmarsh; Paul Merton
& Stephen
Bayley
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Alan: Agriculture minister
Nick Brown admits his homosexuality
Paul & Stephen: Prince Charles
celebrates his 50th birthday
Ian & Alan: Debate over whether
cannabis should be available on the NHS
Paul & Stephen: Conservative
Party announce relaunch
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & Stephen 4
ROUND
TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Geri Halliwell; Emma Thompson; Billie Piper; Peter Young
(Young,
as all the others have been named as good influences for teenage girls)
Stephen - John Birt; Christopher Bland; Joseph Goebbles; Peter Mandelson
(Goebbles, as all the others once worked
for London Weekend Television)
Ian - Michael Jackson; Rupert Murdoch; Paula Jones; Ann Widdecombe
(Widdecombe, as all the others have had
cosmetic surgery on their faces)
Alan - Douglas Hurd; Alistair Campbell; Richard E Grant; Alan Titchmarsh
(Campbell, as all the others have had
excerpts from their novels nominated for the Bad Sex prize)
Scores: Ian & Alan 8; Paul & Stephen 8
ROUND
THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: None
CHRISTMAS IS __________
ROYAL
CORGIS ATE __________
MANDELSON
IS __________
HAPPY
NEW __________
WHO'S
AFRAID OF __________?
Scores: Ian & Alan 10; Paul & Stephen 14
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