EPISODE
5:
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', and if it's Swiftian satire
you're looking for, we recommend Jonathan Swift."
FIRST BROADCAST: 20th November 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Loyd
Grossman; Paul Merton
& Bob
Marshall-Andrews MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Loyd: Prospect of war
against Iraq averted
Paul & Bob: MI5 agent David
Shayler released from French jail after revealing secrets
Ian & Loyd: Audio tapes
released of Monica Lewinsky discussing her fling with Clinton
Paul & Bob: Lord Chancellor
agrees to modernise his role
Scores: Ian & Loyd 4; Paul & Bob 4
ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Richard Whiteley; Jerry Springer; Ken Livingstone; Sooty
(Livingstone, as all the others have been
Mayors)
Bob - a pigeon; a rhino; Geoffrey Robinson; Bob Marshall-Andrews
(Marshall-Andrews, as all the others live
in listed buildings)
Loyd - Ron Davies; Ranulph Fiennes; John Birt; Romulus & Remus
(Romulus
& Remus, as all the others claim to have been beaten as children)
Ian - Mohamed Al Fayed; Chairman Mao; Jeremy Bentham; Snow White
(Al
Fayed, as all the others have had their bodies displayed in glass cases)
ROUND THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: None
QUEEN BEATS SPICE GIRLS IN __________
WORMS
HIRED TO __________
THE
FRIDGE WITH __________
EUROPE'S
BIGGEST __________ IS HEADING FOR BRITAIN
THE
FULL __________
Final Scores: Ian & Loyd 8; Paul & Bob 9
"Good
evening and it's time once again to sit back on your sofa, pour a glass of wine,
and realise you're half an hour early for 'Newsnight'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 27th November 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Linda
Smith; Paul Merton & Gavin
Esler
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Linda: Queen announces
the abolition of hereditary peers in state opening of Parliament
Paul & Gavin: Law lords vote to
extradite General Pinochet to Spain
Ian & Linda: The beef ban in
Britain is lifted
Paul & Gavin: BBC digital news
service interrupted by porn in Europe
Scores: Ian & Linda 4; Paul & Gavin 5
ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - George Michael; John Glenn; William Hague; a bull
(Glenn,
as all the others are colour blind)
Gavin - Vidal Sassoon; General Abacha; the Pentagon; Jerry Springer
(the
Pentagon, as all the others have taken Viagra)
Ian - Bill Clinton; Buzz Aldrin; a female skeleton; Prince Philip
(the
female skeleton, as all the others are freemasons)
Linda - Delia Smith; Fay Wheldon; Edwina Currie; Jesus Christ
(Currie,
as all the others have contributed to the boom in egg sales)
Scores: Ian & Linda 9; Paul & Gavin 8
ROUND THREE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: BELGIAN BRIEF
IT'S TRUE: THE FRENCH REALLY ARE
__________
RON
DAVIES' RASTA WILL NOT __________
A
WORLD FAMOUS __________
GIRLFRIEND
STOLE MY __________ SAYS EX-LOVER
WOMAN
MAKES __________ IN 184 SECONDS
Final
Scores: Ian & Linda 12; Paul & Gavin 15
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', a brand new concept for the
BBC - a show which isn't a repeat, unless you're watching the repeat in which
case it's business as usual."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th December 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Charles
Kennedy MP; Paul Merton
& George
Melly
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & George: Conservative leader in the Lords sacked over
Blair deal
Ian & Charles: EC finance chief wants taxation harmonised
Paul & George: Turner Prize awarded to artist who used elephant
dung
Ian & Charles: Peter Mandelson's mysterious trip to Rio
Scores: Ian & Charles 5; Paul & George 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & George: ‘CHECKOUT
- THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN’
Survey
shows men get stressed and bored when shopping with their partners
Ian & Charles: ‘BLAIR
AND CONDOMS BUT NO BRAVEHEART’
New
Scottish museum opened with celebrities asked to suggest exhibits
Scores: Ian & Charles 5; Paul & George 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Bruce Forsyth; Russ Abbot; the Duchess of York; General Pinochet
(the
Duchess of York, as all the others live in Wentworth)
George - Carol Vorderman; Sylvester Stallone; Albert Einstein; Garry
Bushell
(Einstein, as all the others have a higher IQ than Einstein)
Ian - Christopher
Robin; Michael Jackson; Richard Branson; Peregrine Worsthorne
(Jackson,
as all the others were educated at Stowe)
Charles - Paddy Ashdown; John Prescott; a bowler hat; the Thai football
team
(the Thai football team, as all the others are or were boxers)*
Scores: Ian & Charles 8; Paul & George 11
*The bowler hat is called a boxer in Australia.
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: LAUNDRY & CLEANING TODAY
__________ ISN’T TOO GOOD, SAYS PRESCOTT
__________ FLIES OFF WITHOUT WARNING
MY JIMMY HILL SPUD IS __________
THE
IMPORTANCE OF __________
__________ TO ATONE FOR SINS, SAYS POPE
Final Scores: Ian & Charles 10; Paul & George 11
"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', or if you're watching this on
widescreen television (throws arms out) 'Hi'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 11th December 1998
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tom
Baker; Paul Merton & Muriel
Gray
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Tom: Pinochet forced to stay longer in UK
Paul & Muriel: US and Russian space stations dock without
permission
Scores: Ian & Tom 2; Paul & Muriel 1
ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Clark
Gable; Serberus; a mayfly; Tony Blair
(the
mayfly, as all the others have been known to have bad breath)
Muriel - Malcolm X; Zorro; Scary Spice; the Queen
(Zorro,
as all the others usE just a first name and a letter)
Ian - Vanessa Feltz; a penny black; Geoffrey Robinson; myrrh
(myrrh,
as all the others are worth more than their weight in gold)
Tom - Jack Straw; Alastair Campbell; Martin Neary; Aled Jones
(Campbell,
as all the others were choirboys)
Scores: Ian & Tom 7; Paul & Muriel 2
ROUND THREE - CHRISTMAS CRACKERS:
Each team pulled a cracker, with the toy giving a clue to a film clip on a
news story.
Paul & Muriel - a pack of cards - dead heat in New Mexico elections
decided by a poker game
Ian & Tom - a toy hamster - hamster runs on its wheel so fast it sets
fire to its bedding
Scores: Ian & Tom 7; Paul & Muriel 3
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication:
GUT - THE
INTERNATIONAL JOURNAL FOR GASTRO-ENTEROLOGY & HEPATOLOGY
SWALLOWING IS __________
TAKE __________ TO PARTIES, YOUNG TOLD
LAFONTAINE TRIES TO __________ BROWN IN HOTEL BAR
__________
MAY BE BAD FOR YOUR HEALTH
Final Scores: Ian & Tom 10; Paul & Muriel 6
Series Score: Ian 2, Paul 6
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