EPISODE 1:

"Good evening and welcome to a brand new series in a week when newly-appointed Director-General Greg Dyke starts work at the BBC (picture shown of Dyke on the show) and I think I am speaking for all of us when I say that he was quite possibly the funniest guest that we have ever had. If only to look at."

FIRST BROADCAST: 22nd October 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Martin Clunes; Paul Merton & Lembit Opik MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:

Ian & Martin:   Chinese president visits the UK

Paul & Lembit:   Peter Mandelson's return to Government as Northern Ireland Secretary

Ian & Martin:  ‘WE'RE JOCK-A-BLOCK’

Mad rush for tickets for the England v Scotland Euro 2000 play-off match

Paul & Lembit:  ‘ROYAL ON THE MAKE’

Prince Edward charges for banquet in which he delivers a speech

Scores: Ian & Martin 4; Paul & Lembit 4

ROUND TWO - PARTY CONFERENCES:

Ian & Martin - John Prescott chauffeured 200 yards and pro-hunt campaigners at the Labour Party conference

Paul & Lembit - Margaret Thatcher conspicuous by her presence and John Major conspicuous by his absence at the Conservative Party conference

Scores: Ian & Martin 7; Paul & Lembit 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul & Lembit - Tony Blair; Napoleon Bonaparte; Sylvester Stallone; Baby Spice

(Baby Spice, as all the others wear in-soles)

Ian & Martin - PD James; Pitt the Younger; Dirk Bogarde; Darcy Bussell
(Pitt, as all the others have their portraits hanging at 10 Downing Street)

Scores: Ian & Martin 8; Paul & Lembit 9

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: FENCING NEWS

CHICKEN DIALS __________

__________ WITH A LLAMA

THEY DON'T PUSSY-FOOT IN THE STATES WITH __________

BY 2010, BRITAIN WILL BE __________

Final Scores: Ian & Martin 11; Paul & Lembit 14

EPISODE 2:

"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and in a desperate attempt to match the viewing figures of Charlie Dimmock's 'Garden Army', this week none of us will be wearing a bra."

FIRST BROADCAST: 29th October 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Gordon Ramsay; Paul Merton & Francis Wheen

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Gordon:   French ban British beef

Paul & Francis:   Hereditary peers submit reasons why they should stay in the Lords

Ian & Gordon:   The unveiling of the London Eye

Paul & Francis - Unkempt bed entered for the Turner Prize

Scores: Ian & Gordon 4; Paul & Francis 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Ian & Gordon:  ‘THE FRAMING OF A MINISTER’

Claims that Geoffrey Robinson has a photo of an unnamed minister in a compromising position with a teenager

Paul & Francis:  ‘WWW.EGGS.COM’

Man sells the eggs of supermodels over the Internet

Scores: Ian & Gordon 6; Paul & Francis 7

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Lawrence Dallaglio; Kate Winslet; Snow White; the Queen's corgis
(Dallaglio, as all the others have had their food spiked)

Francis - Stephen Byers; Karl Marx; Alan Milburn; Peter Mandelson

(Marx, as all the others shaved off facial hair to get into the Cabinet)

Ian - Christopher Columbus; the Lyddians; Tintin; 2000 homing pigeons

(the pigeons, as all the others were saved by an eclipse)

Gordon - Marco Pierre White; the young Conservatives; Chef from South Park; the AA

(Chef, as all the others have been accused of plagiarism)

Scores: Ian & Gordon 6; Paul & Francis 11

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: LE CHEF

CHARLES __________ ON BLAIR'S BACKSIDE

LE ROSBIF EST __________

PIG SAVED __________

__________ FOR THE HAIRLESS

TOMATES FARCIES AU CRABE RIZ SOUFFLE ET BOUILLON AU __________

Final Scores: Ian & Gordon 7; Paul & Francis 13

EPISODE 3:

"Good evening and after this programme was criticised on 'Points Of View' this week for claiming that the Queen Mother had died in 1979, we would like to apologise. Of course she is very much alive, unless you're watching the repeat and she pegged it over the weekend."

FIRST BROADCAST: 5th November 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Glenda Jackson MP; Paul Merton & the Earl of Onslow

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Paul & the Earl:   Final days for hereditary peers to prove their worth

Ian & Glenda:   Michael Portillo becomes Tory candidate for Kensington & Chelsea

Paul & the Earl:   Prince Charles criticised for taking his sons hunting

Ian & Glenda:   Geri Halliwell's PR battle with Emma Bunton over new records

Scores: Ian & Glenda 4; Paul & the Earl 4

ROUND TWO - SCANDALOMETER:

Four candidates for London Mayor shown - Ken Livingstone, Frank Dobson, Jeffrey Archer and Susan Kramer - each allocated a candidate and asked to name the scandal associated with them

Ian - Jeffrey Archer (clue shown: a suit) - scandal over Archer not paying for some suits he acquired in a Toronto store

the Earl - Jeffrey Archer (clue shown: Anglia TV logo) - scandal over Archer buying shares in Anglia, for which his wife was a director, just before a big takeover

Glenda - Frank Dobson (no clue shown) - identical letters sent by Labour MPs to Londoners asking them to vote for Dobson

Paul - Jeffrey Archer (clue shown: 100 yards race from 1964) - scandal over Archer doing two false starts but, despite the rules, not being disqualified

Scores: Ian & Glenda 7; Paul & the Earl 9

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul & the Earl - Leonardo DiCaprio; David Hasselhoff; Tony Blair; the Beach Boys

(the Beach Boys, as all the others have inspired beach protests)

Ian & Glenda - Duchess of York; Margaret Thatcher; Mo Mowlam; Glenda Jackson
(Jackson, as all the others were head girls at school)

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: Debrett's New Guide to Etiquette & Modern Manners

(the chapter on acceptable behaviour during a hunt)

THE HOUNDS ARE ALWAYS KNOWN AS __________

BEEB BOSSES FORGOT __________

IF YOU SEE BARBED WIRE, CRY __________

Final Scores: Ian & Glenda 12; Paul & the Earl 15

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and if any of Jonathan Aitken's fellow inmates are watching during the prisoners' television hour, we would like you to know that despite what he says, he reckons you're all a bunch of soft puffs."

FIRST BROADCAST: 12th November 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & John Sergeant; Paul Merton & Mark Seddon

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & John:   Australia votes to keep the Queen as Head of State

Paul & Mark:   Tenth anniversary of the Berlin Wall demolition

Ian & John:   Frank Dobson gets a new PR for Mayoral campaign

Paul & Mark:   Weatherman Bill Giles accused of bullying other BBC forecasters

Scores: Ian & John 4; Paul & Mark 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Ian & John:  ‘WINNIE THE BROWN LEAVES LID ON THE HONEY’

Another prudent Budget from Gordon Brown

Paul & Mark: ‘23-TON ICE CUBE’

Mammoth corpse discovered in Siberia set to be cloned

Scores: Ian & John 6; Paul & Mark 6

Paul - Kenneth Clarke; Jason Orange; Stella Rimington; Sister Vertus
(Vertus, as all the others have been caught without a valid ticket on the Tube)

Mark - Terry Venables; Amanda Platell; Peter Mandelson; Monsanto

(Platell, as all the others have been the subjects of books which were pulped)

John - Lonesome George; Mick Jagger; Peter Snow; Jonathan Aitken

(George, as all the others have had children found by DNA)

Ian - Jeremy Paxman; Chris Tarrant; Idi Amin; Michael Fish

(Fish, as all the others are keen anglers)

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: MODERN FERRET

__________ CRITICISED BY PAXMAN

__________ LIVE LIKE KINGS AND QUEENS
HOUSE-SITTER PREPARES TO EXPLAIN __________

BANANA BOAT CRASHES INTO __________

__________ WINS MOST ORIGINAL CALENDAR AWARD

Final Scores: Ian & John 9; Paul & Mark 15

Back to top of page / Back to Episode Guide Intro

Back to Introduction page