"Good
evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you are watching next
year's delayed repeat of this show, then this is what life was like back in the
twentieth century."
FIRST BROADCAST: 19th November 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Gyles
Brandreth; Paul Merton
& Michael
Cole
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Michael: Possibility
of IRA decommissioning in Ulster
Ian & Gyles: Labour candidates for London Mayor are announced
Paul & Michael: Cherie Blair bored of buying new clothes for
official engagements
Ian & Gyles: Wembley Stadium to be demolished and rebuilt
without the Twin Towers
Scores: Ian & Gyles 4; Paul & Michael 4
Paul & Michael: ‘BLAIR
PUTS BOOT INTO CAR DRIVERS’
Tolls
on roads bill put into Queen's Speech
Ian & Gyles: ‘QUEEN
TAKES ON PRINCE FOR MILLENNIUM SONG’
Debate
over which song should be played in the Dome to bring in the Millennium
Both teams: ‘HAMILTON SUES AL
FAYED’
The
libel trial between Neil Hamilton and Mohamed Al Fayed begins
Scores: Ian & Gyles 8; Paul & Michael 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Michael - Tony Blair; Richard Madeley & Judy Finnegan;
Geoffrey Robinson; Alex Ferguson
(Blair,
as all the others have made illicit use of a motorway hard shoulder)
Ian & Gyles - Barbara Cartland; Ann Widdecombe; Edwina Currie; Duke
of Edinburgh
(Widdecombe,
as all the others have childhood soft toys at the National Teddy Bear Museum)
Scores: Ian & Gyles 10; Paul & Michael 5
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: TEDDY BEAR CLUB INTERNATIONAL
MAJOR __________ TO AID ARCHER
EDWARD IN __________ AGAIN!
__________ WITH ATTITUDE
MARTIANS
TO GET INVITATION TO __________
Final Scores: Ian & Gyles 13; Paul & Michael 9
"Good evening, and we'd like to apologise to the makers of "They Think
It's All Over" for the dramatic loss of viewers last week caused by last
Friday's edition of The Yorkshire Post (picture shown of the trio wrongly
captioned with "They Think It's All Over").
FIRST BROADCAST: 26th November 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Anna
Ford; Paul Merton & Alex
Salmond MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS/TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Anna: Jeffrey Archer pulls out of London Mayor race after
trial scandal
Paul & Alex: Cherie Blair is pregnant
Ian & Anna: ‘TORIES
HACKED OFF’
Computer
hacker discovers the Conservative treasurer gave £1m to his own party
Paul & Alex: ‘65%
HEMAIL 35% FEMAIL’
Nearly
twice as many men are using the Internet than women
Scores: Ian & Anna 4; Paul & Alex 4
ROUND TWO - QUICK FIRE GENERAL KNOWLEDGE
ROUND (ON THE BUZZER):
1: Which Queen ruled Britain from 1837 to 1901?
A: Queen Victoria (Paul)
2: How much money did Jeffrey Archer pay a prostitute at the station of that
name in 1984?
A: £2,000 (Anna)
3: When Jeffrey Archer was elected MP for Louth at the age of 29 he claimed to
be the youngest MP in the House - is that true or false?
A: False (Ian) - he was the fourth youngest
4: When he won a seat on the GLC in 1967 Archer claimed to be the youngest on
there - is that true or false?
A: False (Alex)
5: How did Lord Archer describe his occupation on his marriage certificate?
A: Research graduate (Anna)
6: Is this true or Archer?
A: Archer (Ian) - he was never a graduate, let alone a research graduate
7: How many expense claims was Archer accused of fiddling when fundraising...?
(question never ended)
A: 60 (no-one)
8: After awarding Kathleen Bennett of Trumpington first prize in a short story
competition...? (question never ended)
A: Her story was called "Twist In The Tale" where the narrator
turned out to be a cat; he later wrote a story called "Twist In The
Tale" where the narrator turned out to be a cat (Paul - even though Ian
pressed his buzzer first)
9: On his visit to Kurdistan how did Archer greet the assembled crowd?
A: Bastard Kurdistan (Ian) - Archer thought it meant something else
10: During an athletics event at Oxford in 1963, what achievement propelled
Archer into the national press?
A: He was hit by a discus and had to be stretchered off (no-one) - Paul
penalised five points for interrupting with an incorrect answer
11: What nicknames did he give his two Kurdish friends Brusk Saib and
NaheemZahain?
A: Lemon (Paul) and Bean (Ian)
Scores: Ian & Anna 10; Paul & Alex 2
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Cary Grant; Timothy Leary; Jack Straw; Jonathan Aitken
(Straw,
as all the others have taken LSD)
Alex - Michael Portillo; Ron Davies; Donald Dewar; Ian Paisley
(Portillo,
as all the others are members of two Parliaments)
Anna - Mao Tse Tung; Bob Dylan; Jeffrey Archer; a walrus
(Archer,
as all the others are mentioned in lyrics by the Beatles)
Ian - Sir Walter Raleigh; Tony Blair; Oscar Wilde; Jonathan Aitken
(Blair, as all the others have written poetry in prison)
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: NONE
MANDELSON GOES INTO __________ ZONE
BUTTERFLY
WITH BUILT-IN __________
HAGUE'S WIFE TO __________
SARDINES
SAVED __________
Final Scores: Ian & Anna 17; Paul & Alex 10
"Good evening and welcome to the penultimate show of the series and with two games to go and Paul Merton only four-two ahead, Ian Hislop has everything to play for, apart from a victory of any sort."
FIRST BROADCAST: 3rd December 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Boris
Johnson; Paul Merton
& Janet
Street-Porter
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Janet: Protests at World Trade Organisation summit in Seattle
Ian & Boris: Appointments made in Ulster Assembly
Paul & Janet: EC beef-on-the-bone ban lifted
Ian & Boris: Greece asks for the return of the Elgin Marbles
Scores: Ian & Boris 4; Paul & Janet 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Janet: ‘THE AMAZING
TECHNICOLOR QUEEN COATS’
The
Queen wears multi-coloured Harlequin dress to the Royal Variety Performance
Ian & Boris: ‘WINNER BRINGS
THE HOUSE DOWN’
House
model wins the Turner Prize
Scores: Ian & Boris 6; Paul & Janet 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Ian & Boris - James Bond; Boris Johnson; Prince William; Douglas Hurd
(Bond,
as all the others were members of elite society POP at Eton)
Paul & Janet - Barbara Windsor; Boris Johnson; Margaret Thatcher;
Judy Finnegan
(Johnson,
as all the others have had elocution lessons)
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ROCKING HORSE
IRISH SNAIL THREATENS __________
IS
__________ AN ENDANGERED SPECIES?
POLICE DOG IS SACKED FOR __________
STUN YOUR LOBSTER WITH __________
__________
- THE EASY WAY
Final Scores: Ian & Boris 9; Paul & Janet 14
"Good
evening and welcome to the last programme of the Millennium, although as there
is a compilation show next week, it's not strictly speaking the last one, but
then again strictly speaking it's not the end of the Millennium either. Still,
who's counting, or indeed watching by now."
FIRST BROADCAST: 10th December 1999
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Lord
Bill Deedes; Paul Merton
& Will
Self
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Will: Mars probe disappears in space
Ian & Bill: Prescott cuts India trip short to face backlash over
transport
Paul & Will: NHS call centres set up for patients to phone or
e-mail symptoms
Ian & Bill: Feminist protestors at the Miss World contest
Scores: Ian & Bill 4; Paul & Will 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul & Will: ‘GOLD,
FRANKINCENSE AND MURDER’
School
nativity play based on James Bond
Ian & Bill: ‘GENTLEMAN'S
BAR BAR BARRED’
Bid
to ban exclusive men's clubs
Scores: Ian & Bill 6; Paul & Will 6
Paul - Bodo; Strudel; Lucky; Bing
(Strudel,
as all the others have killed Germans)*
Will - Benito Mussolini; Jon Pertwee; Harold McMillan; Will Self
(Self,
as all the others were expelled from school)
Bill - Saddam Hussein; Mario Milosevic; Walt Disney; Hurrican Floyd
(Floyd,
as all the others have set up theme parks)
Ian - Bernard Matthews; Bill Clinton; Carla Lane; Leeds University
(Matthews, as all the others preserve turkeys)
Scores: Ian & Bill 9; Paul & Will 10
*Bodo, Strudel, Lucky and Bing are all dogs.
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: CRANES TODAY
HOW DEEP SHOULD I BURY __________
__________ HAD A GOOD '99
YODELLING HAMSTER TRIES __________
DISCOVERY OF __________ SHAKES PARIS
ARCHER
CANCELS __________
Final Scores: Ian & Bill 13; Paul
& Will 14
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