EPISODE 1:

"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', taking a look at the last seven days, the last seven pulsating, vital days of world news."

FIRST BROADCAST:  28 September 1990
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Sandi Toksvig; Paul Merton & Kate Saunders

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Sandi:  Labour MPs visit Saddam Hussein

Paul & Kate:  Ceaucescu's son jailed for murder

Ian & Sandi:  Winnie Mandela goes on trial

Paul & Kate:  George Foreman's comeback heavyweight bout

Scores: Ian & Sandi 5; Paul & Kate 2

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  'JIMMY HILL PUT US OFF OUR DINNER' 

Jimmy Hill bombs as last-minute replacement after-dinner speaker

Kate:  'WITH THIS PISTOL I THEE NICK!'

American undercover cop's fake wedding

Sandi:  'NO ONBOARD CHAINSAWS, PLEASE'

Chainsaws banned from airline hand luggage due to fire hazard

Ian:  'THE GREAT PLAGUE OF 1990'

Rising crime figures blamed on careless victims

Scores: Ian & Sandi 8; Paul & Kate 5

ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:

Ian & Sandi - Tory MP sends girlfriend to spanking school

Paul & Kate - Lord Sutch offers job to George Best after drunken 'Wogan' guesting

ROUND FOUR - MINI-HEADLINES:

Paul & Kate:  HELPLESS; STRUGGLE; GLAMOUR; EXPLOSIVE

Launch of Star Trek: The Next Generation

Ian & Sandi:  VIRGIN; SILENCE; CHARM; TRUST

Book claims Charles and Diana's marriage on the rocks

Scores: Ian & Sandi 11; Paul & Kate 10

ROUND FIVE - ARCHIVE:

Ian & Sandi - Liberal Alliance show fake 8ft NHS waiting list

Paul & Kate - Roy Jenkins loses his notes

ROUND SIX - PROPS:

Ian & Sandi - oranges; handcuffs; a parrot - SFO investigate Polypeck

Paul & Kate - a sombrero; a severed arm; money - Mexican gets multi-million pound compensation for losing his arm on the New York underground

Scores: Ian & Sandi 16; Paul & Kate 11

ROUND SEVEN - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Cecil Parkinson; Michael Parkinson; Neil Kinnock; Alan Bleasdale
(Cecil, as all the others have had a vasectomy)

Kate - Prince Charles; Salvador Dali; Adolf Hitler; Keith Chegwin 

(Chegwin, as all the others are painters)

Sandi - Norman Tebbit; Robert Kilroy-Silk; Ian Paisley; Orville 

(Paisley, as all the others have had their own TV show)

Ian - Michael Heseltine; Gyles Brandreth; Jeffrey Archer; Benezir Bhuto
(Archer, as all the others went to Oxford)

Scores: Ian & Sandi 17; Paul & Kate 15

ROUND EIGHT - MISSING WORDS:

Paul & Kate:

LET'S GET __________ JOAN TELLS DI

WORST SALESMAN'S PRIZE IS A __________!

£3,000 FOR A PHOTO OF GAZZA'S __________

Ian & Sandi - LAWSON ADMITS TO THREE __________

HUBBY KICKS WIFE OUT OF BED TO KIP WITH __________

THE QUEEN CAN'T SAY GOOD MORNING WITHOUT A __________

Final Scores: Ian & Sandi 25; Paul & Kate 21

EPISODE 2:

"Good evening and welcome, as this historic week for world peace and unity comes to an end."

FIRST BROADCAST: 5 October 1990
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jan Ravens; Paul Merton & Martin Young

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Jan:  Berlin celebrates unification

Paul & Martin:  Labour Party conference

Ian & Jan:  Labour delegate has sex change

Paul & Martin:  Ramblers hold mass trespass on private property

Scores: Ian & Jan 5; Paul & Martin 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  'COME UP TO MY PLACE AND SEE MY SHARKS!' 

Man has two pet sharks in his flat

Martin:  'POLICE GUARDS PAY RENT TO KING'

Tom King charges rent to guards protecting him

Jan:  'ZAPPED BY YOUR ZIP!'

Swedish engineer invents zip which bleeps when undone

Ian:  'WRITER'S MOTHER LIBELLED BY BBC'

Dennis Potter sues Mary Whitehouse over comments about his childhood

Scores: Ian & Jan 9; Paul & Martin 8

ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:

Ian & Jan - Romanian holidaymakers at Pontin's apply for asylum

Paul & Martin - embroidery expert claims Bayeux tapestry is a forgery

ROUND FOUR - MINI-HEADLINES:

Ian & Jan - WHAT A GENIUS; STOUT WALKER; BROUGHT TO BOOK

Guinness crook sent to jail

Paul & Martin - RIP-OFF; SWIPE; FIX 

Office of Fair Trading denies bad accountancy

Scores: Ian & Jan 13; Paul & Martin 12

ROUND FIVE - ARCHIVE:

Ian & Jan - background falls down behind Denis Healey

Paul & Martin - US Senator copies Neil Kinnock speech

ROUND SIX - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Cher; Maria Whittaker; Paula Yates; George Schultz 

(Whittaker, as all the others have tattoos)

Martin - Robin Day; Lord Young; Auberon Waugh; Cynthia Payne 

(Young, as all the others stood for Parliament)

Jan - Dan Quayle; Muhammad Ali; Bonnie Langford; Oliver North 

(North, as all the others did not serve in Vietnam)

Ian - Nicholas Ridley; Lord Denning; the Queen Mother; Paul Gascoigne
(Gascoigne, as all the others were publicly embarrassed in the Spectator)

Scores: Ian & Jan 17; Paul & Martin 19

ROUND SEVEN - MISSING WORDS:

Ian & Jan

I WANT TO SEE A __________ IN WHITE HOUSE

KRAY TWIN TURNS TO __________

£1MILLION..OR I DUMP __________ ON LONDON

THE SEXY ANTICS THAT LEFT TED HEATH __________

Paul & Martin

THE __________ AT MCDONALD'S I ENJOY, BY DI

PRESSURE ON POPE OVER __________

NO __________ FOR YEARS TO COME, SAYS KINNOCK

QUEEN'S REMAINING __________ 'SHOULD BE REMOVED'

Final Scores: Ian & Jan 23; Paul & Martin 25

EPISODE 3:

"Hello and welcome to the show which out of respect to calls this week for stricter impartiality in broadcasting, will be making the utmost care to be openly offensive to everyone."

FIRST BROADCAST: 12 October 1990
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tony Slattery; Paul Merton & Robert Harris

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Tony - the launch of the 1,000 ECU coin

Paul & Robert - Saddam visits Kuwait after invasion

Ian & Tony - the Hubble telescope breaks

Paul & Robert - Conservative Party conference

Scores: Ian & Tony 4; Paul & Robert 5

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  'SCOTTY THE BUSMAN BUNGLED MY SNIP OP'

Bus conductor carries out private circumcisions

Robert:  'THE DAY AMERICA WAS SHUT'  

Deficit in USA forces one-day closures

Tony:  'HOW THEY TOOK THE NEWS FROM MARS TO GHENT' 

UFO sightings in Belgium

Ian:  'DON'T RING US!'

BT put charges on directory enquiries

Scores: Ian & Tony 8; Paul & Robert 9

ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:

Ian & Tony - Fergie holds £60,000 party at Southfork

Paul & Robert - Madonna has cow hormones injected in her lips

ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:

Ian & Tony - Thatcher follows Robert Harris during election walkabout report

Paul & Robert - David Waddington 'at home' documentary

Scores: Ian & Tony 12; Paul & Robert 13

ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul & Robert - Princess Anne; Mark Phillips; Prince Michael of Kent; Nigel Mansell 

(Mansell, as all the others have been pulled up for speeding)

Ian & Tony - Robert Maxwell; Princess Michael of Kent; Cliff Richard; Ranulph Fiennes 

(Fiennes, as all the others have changed their names)

ROUND SIX - PROPS:

Paul & Robert - 21 Mars bars; a pot of honey; an egg timer; a bumble bee -
scientists claim that bees' daily energy requirement is the equivalent of 30 Mars bars a day

Ian & Tony - a rail timetable; an abacus; a dunce's hat; 34 Mars bars -
survey shows that people are baffled by simple maths

Scores: Ian & Tony 18; Paul & Robert 19

ROUND SEVEN - MISSING WORDS:

Ian & Tony:

FRENCH TEACHERS POP KINNOCK'S __________

MRS THATCHER URGES MORE __________ IN POLITICS

DANGERS OF GOING __________ BY ANNE

CECIL'S PLAN TO GET BRITAIN __________

Paul & Robert - AMAZING TRUTH OF CHARLES' __________

HATTERSLEY BEATEN ON __________

MAJOR RON SELLS __________ FOR 5P

I MADE THATCHER __________ BOASTS NIGEL

Final Scores: Ian & Tony 23; Paul & Robert 25

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and welcome to the show which takes an irreverent sideways look-a-scance at the wacky world of current affairs and the  rib-tickling prospect of World War Three."

FIRST BROADCAST: 19 October 1990
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Arthur Smith; Paul Merton & Gill Pyrah

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Arthur:  Cat Stevens goes on Iraqi mercy mission

Paul & Gill:  Gorbachev wins Nobel Peace Prize

Ian & Arthur:  Lester Piggott's first race after release from jail

Paul & Gill:  Vivienne Westwood gets designer of the year

Scores: Ian & Arthur 4; Paul & Gill 6

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  'A LAUNDRY BILL OF £63,000'

The Queen's laundry costs revealed

Gill:  'THE BEDSIT WHICH IS HOME TO 75 WORKERS' 

Trade union accused of vote-rigging over false names

Arthur:  'LOO-NACY!' 

Headmaster tells kids to bring their own loo roll

Ian:  'AUNTY AND GIRLS MAKE MEN THINK TWICE'

BBC director-general announces more women bosses

Scores: Ian & Arthur 5; Paul & Gill 12

ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:

Ian & Arthur - judge fails to know who Paul Gascoigne is

Paul & Gill - Parkinson overheard rubbishing the Cabinet

ROUND FOUR - MINI-HEADLINES:

Ian & Arthur - JANET; FORGOT; WHIPPED; CANNONED; FOUR TIMES

Drunken vicar messes up wedding ceremony before being caught drink-driving

Paul & Gill - HAIRLINE; CHILDREN; HOMEOPATHIC; CHRISTIAN 

Cliff Richard turns 50

Scores: Ian & Arthur 8; Paul & Gill 17

ROUND FIVE - ARCHIVE:

Ian & Arthur - Ian McGregor hides face with carrier bag

Paul & Gill - Roy Hattersley goes jogging

Scores: Ian & Arthur 13; Paul & Gill 19

ROUND SIX - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Cyril Smith; Geoffrey Dickens; Duchess of York; Madonna 

(the Duchess, as all the others have been in pop videos)

Gill - Kurt Waldheim; Jesse Jackson; Ted Heath; Yasser Arafat 

(Heath, as all the others have visited Saddam Hussein)

Arthur - Lester Piggott; Paul McCartney; Nelson Mandela; Ken Dodd 

(Dodd, as all the others have been to jail)

Ian - Ronald Reagan; Auberon Waugh; the Pope; Jeffrey Archer 

(Archer, as all the others have been shot)

Scores: Ian & Arthur 16; Paul & Gill 20

ROUND SEVEN - MISSING WORDS:

Ian & Arthur:  

CUT OUR __________ SAY MPS

PM REVIVES DEAD __________

POPE GIVES MARRIED PRIESTS HIS __________

RUDE COPS FEEL MAGGIE'S __________

Paul & Gill:

HEADMASTER WHO ATE HIS ___________

DIANA'S __________ RESIGNS

YOU HAVEN'T A __________, MAGGIE WARNS NEIL

HISTORY WILL TELL WHETHER BUSH IS __________ OR __________

Final Scores: Ian & Arthur 24; Paul & Gill 26

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