EPISODE
5:
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and if you watched
Children In Need which replaced us yesterday then I hope you enjoyed a bunch of
celebrities humiliating themselves for money, because it's about to happen
again."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th November 2000
TEAMS: Ian Hislop &
Linda
Smith; Paul Merton &
Jeremy Bowen
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Jeremy - continuing uncertainty over presidency
Ian & Linda - plans to privatise air traffic control system
Paul & Jeremy - girl has legs extended on the NHS
Ian & Linda - truckers blockade motorways
Scores: Ian & Linda 4; Paul & Jeremy 4
ROUND TWO - MILLENNIUM DOME QUICKFIRE
ROUND:
1: According to a document leaked this week, what did Robin Cook say about the
Dome during a Cabinet meeting in 1997?
A: We can always blame the Tories if we stop now (no correct answer given)
2: Before becoming chief executive of the Dome, what was Pierre Yves-Gerbau in
charge of at Eurodisney?
A: Car parks (Ian answered correctly)
3: How does Pierre Yves-Gerbau like to be known?
A: Pee Wee (no correct answer given)
4: When did the Dome go bankrupt?
A: February, the second month it was open (no correct answer given)
5: (clips shown of Gerbau categorically stating he would ask for no more
money) What happened next?
A: He was given 43 million pounds the following month, and 47 million pounds in
September (Jeremy answered correctly)
6: As chairman of the Millennium Commission, who did Culture Secretary Chris
Smith write to this week, asking for more money for the Dome?
A: Himself (no correct answer given)
7: What was Gerbau's excuse for this photocall? (photo shown of Gerbau with
four young women)
A: He was welcoming B*Witched to the Dome (no correct answer given)
8: How did Pierre Yves-Gerbau explain this one? (another photo of Gerbau with
young women shown)
A: He was posing with Ministry of Sound, who were hired to stage the end of year
bash (Paul answered correctly)
9: And what was his alibi for this one? (another photo shown of Gerbau with
high-kicking dancers)
A: They were can-can girls booked for Bastille Day (no correct answer given)
10: IN 1997 what exciting new activity intended for the Dome did Peter Mandelson
describe...? (question not completed)
A: Surfball (Ian answered correctly)
11: What international event is going to bestaged at the Dome later this month?
A: Miss World (Paul answered correctly)
12: Who's hosting it?
A: Jerry Springer (no correct answer given)
13: What award has the Dome received this week?
A: Most depressing feature of the year, as voted by the public (Linda
answered correctly)
Scores: Ian & Linda 7; Paul & Jeremy 9
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - the Pope; Geri Halliwell; Henry VIII; a Big Mac
(the
Pope, as all the others have been denounced by the Catholic Church)
Jeremy - William Shakespeare; Theodore Wassiev; George W Bush; Benito the
anteater
(Wassiev,
as all the others have fathered one set of twins)
Linda - the Queen; Michael Heseltine; Mohamed Al Fayed; John Mackintosh
(Heseltine, as all the others have banned mobile phones)
Ian - Roy Keane; Pikachu; Norman Bettison; John Mackintosh
(Mackintosh,
as all the others feature on collectable cards)
Scores: Ian & Linda 15; Paul & Jeremy 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: CARROT COUNTRY
JUMP START YOUR __________
SCIENTISTS TO RECREATE __________
POLICE SAY 'SORRY' FOR __________
WHO
SAYS OXFORD IS __________?
Final Scores: Ian & Linda 17; Paul & Jeremy 15
EPISODE
6:
"Goodnight. (credits start to roll) Sorry, that was just to annoy
everyone who had set their video to record this."
FIRST BROADCAST: 24th November 2000
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Lembit Opik
MP; Paul Merton & Lorraine Kelly
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Lembit - plans for a Euro rapid reaction force announced
Paul & Lorraine - Catherine Zeta Jones and Michael Douglas marry
Ian & Lembit - presidential saga continues
Paul & Lorraine - dirty tricks debate over TV millionaire
Scores: Ian & Lembit 4; Paul & Lorraine 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Lembit: 'A MIR DROP IN THE OCEAN'
Mir
space station set to drop in the Pacific
Paul & Lorraine: 'QUEEN SHOWS KILLER INSTINCT'
Furore
over Queen strangling a pheasant
Scores: Ian & Lembit 6; Paul & Lorraine 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Lorraine - Cherie Blair; Margaret Thatcher; Lorraine Kelly;
Tinky Winky
(Tinky
Winky, as all the others have auctioned off their handbags for charity)
Ian & Lembit - Neil Kinnock; Roy Jenkins; John Prescott; Epimenedes
(Epimenedes, as all the others have fallen asleep during party conference
speeches)
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: CROCHET WORLD
__________ HELD HOSTAGE AS LOBSTER WAR TURNS NASTY
THE WORLD'S FINEST __________
5-4-3-2-1... __________
YOU'RE
__________ SAYS THE BBC
Final Scores: Ian & Lembit 12; Paul & Lorraine 10
EPISODE
7:
"Good evening and in a week where everyone's attention has been focused on
saving the planet, I'm please to be able to tell you that at least sixty per
cent of the jokes tonight have been recycled."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st December 2000
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Sanjeev
Bhaskar; Paul Merton & Matthew
Collings
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Sanjeev - Prescott accused of sexism at environmental conference
Paul & Matthew - presidential fiasco rumbles on
Ian & Sanjeev - nine hour delay for train from London to Nottingham
Paul & Matthew - Turner Prize awarded to German artist
Scores: Ian & Sanjeev 4; Paul & Matthew 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Sanjeev: 'HINDI ON ME HANDI'
David
Beckham gets misspelt Hindi tattoo
Paul & Matthew: 'REVOLVING DORKS'
BBC
issues leaflet on how to use revolving doors
Scores: Ian & Sanjeev 6; Paul & Matthew 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Matthew: Jim Carrey; Jonathan Aitken; Tara Palmer-Tomkinson;
Euan Sy and Jay Jay Shi
(Sy
and Shi, as all the others have worked as toilet cleaners)
Ian & Sanjeev: Steps; Prince William; Jordan; Alistair Campbell
(Prince
William, as all the others have attended Britney Spears concerts)
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: LIGHTHOUSE DIGEST
TOM AND JERRY'S LATEST WEAPON IS __________
7TH ANNUAL __________ CONTEST
GENIUS PARROT CAN __________
WATCH OUT FOR PRESCOTT'S __________
__________ IS A CHIMPANZEE'S JOB
QUEEN
MUM APPROVES OF __________
Final Scores: Ian & Sanjeev 10; Paul & Matthew 10
*Angus introduced an off-the-cuff tiebreaker question - "what is the
capital of Albania?" - which Sanjeev was first to answer, declaring Ian and
Sanjeev the winners.
EPISODE
8:
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You' and we'd like to
start by mentioning the seven viewers who wrote in to complain about last week's
programme and told us that "it was inappropriate and unfair towards Euan
Blair to mention his past indiscretions" although in our defence, it was
Friday night so he would have been too pissed to notice."
FIRST BROADCAST: 8th December 2000
TEAMS: Ian Hislop &
Peter
Stringfellow; Paul Merton & Nigella
Lawson
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Peter - State opening of Parliament
Paul & Nigella - Portillo claims to have no leadership ambitions
Ian & Peter - saga over presidency continues
Paul & Nigella - report claims kitchen utensils breed bacteria
Scores: Ian & Peter 4; Paul & Nigella 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & Peter - LOIN KING - guinea pig impregnates 24 females in one night
Paul & Nigella - CRUSH HOUR - pedestrian speed lane planned for Oxford
Street
Scores: Ian & Peter 6; Paul & Nigella 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul & Nigella - Gary Rhodes; Antony Worrall Thompson; Michael Barry;
Nigella Lawson
(Lawson,
as all the others have been slagged off by Delia Smith)
Ian & Peter- a blancmange; an armadillo; a headlight; a gherkin
(the
headlight, as all the others have been likened to Norman Foster buildings)
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication:* WORM DIGEST
ANGUS __________
AL FAYED TAKES __________
I WANT __________ SAYS BABY
CAN I BORROW A CUP OF __________
WOMEN
BARE BUTTOCKS IN __________
__________ CUBAN STYLE
*Paul introduced a further Guest Publication called ANGUS THE MAGAZINE (about
the breed of bovine) from which the first headline came. Angus knew nothing
about it, but tried to fill the blank.
Final Scores: Ian & Peter 11; Paul & Nigella 10
Series Score: Ian 4, Paul 4