"Good
evening and welcome to a new series of that news quiz thing that no-one can
remember the title of."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th October 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Sandi
Toksvig; Paul Merton
& David
Thomas
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Sandi: UN weapons
inspectors locked in Iraq car park
Paul & David: Paul Gascoigne
attacked in nightclub
Ian & Sandi: Margaret Thatcher
set to join the House of Lords
Paul & David: Labour Party meet
to decide defence policy
Scores: Ian & Sandi 5; Paul & David 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘POLLY PUT THE TELLY
ON’
Parrot's
high screech changes TV channels
David: ‘JUST CALL ME 0898’
Man
changes name to 0898 number in the hope of a better social life
Sandi: ‘GIVE US BACK OUR
MUMMY’
4,000
year old rambler's body not given back to his original country
Ian: 'THE DRUNK FROM THE SUN
WHO HAD TO BE CALLED SIR'
Reporter
sacked from the Sun for being drunk
Scores: Ian & Sandi 8; Paul & David 7
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Sandi - Butch Cassidy discovered to hail from Lancashire
Paul & David - typhoid-infected waiters escape from hospital and go to work
in restaurant
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Sandi - David Owen playing football for the SDP team
Paul & David - George Bush launches tirade against broccoli
Scores: Ian & Sandi 11; Paul & David 11
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Brian Clough; Judge Pickles; Garry Bushell; Adolf Hitler
(Hitler,
as all the others have written columns for the Sun)
David - Fidel Castro; Ronald Reagan; John Gummer; Lassie
(Gummer,
as all the others have had Hollywood screen careers)
Sandi - Al Capone; Ronnie Biggs; John Major; Coco the Clown
(Biggs,
as all the others have circus backgrounds)
Ian - Rory Bremner; Jeffrey Archer; the Bishop of Oxford; Christopher Lee
(Archer, as all the others attended Wellington College)
Scores: Ian & Sandi 15; Paul & David 15
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Sandi:
DUCHESS OF YORK RUNS OUT OF ____________ ON THE M40
HOSPITALS TOLD TO CUT COSTS BY USING __________
KINNOCK
SEARCHES FOR HIS __________
GUMMER HOLDS UP __________
ALEX HIGGINS DRANK MY __________
RAMBLERS
FIND __________ IN MAJOR'S GARDEN
Paul & David:
I JUST THINK OF THE QUEEN AS MY __________
KIDS USE __________ AS CONDOMS
SADDAM BACKS OFF AS BUSH GETS __________
GIRL WHO TANGLED WITH THE __________ OF MAXWELL
DI PLAYS __________ FOR NEWSMAN SANDY!
__________
PICKED BY GORBACHEV AS ADVISERS
Final Scores: Not given. Angus confirmed Paul & David as the
winners
"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For
You', the show that makes 'Neighbours' look like an Australian soap opera."
FIRST
BROADCAST: 11th October 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tony
Slattery; Paul Merton
& Alan
Coren
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Tony: Elizabeth Taylor married Larry Fortensky
Paul & Alan: New suburban train routes announced
Ian & Tony: Row over rumours of NHS privatisation
Paul & Alan: Japanese basho festival held at Royal Albert Show
Scores: Ian & Tony 4; Paul & Alan 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: 'DON'T PUT THIS IN THE SHREDDER!'
Duchess of York destroys her husband's love letters
the moment she has read them
Alan: 'HOLLER IN THE WALL SAVES 2 BANK GIRLS'
Girls locked in bank vault saved after shouting
through the cashpoint
Tony: 'MAN WITH AN EAR IN HIS LEG!'
Surgeons sew ear on to man's leg after he lost it in
a fight
Ian: '999 CALL SCANDAL'
BT divert emergency calls to the wrong exchanges
Scores: Ian & Tony 8; Paul & Alan 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Tony - tabloid quest to find the prostitute who propositioned the DPP
Paul & Alan - polar explorer claims to be last survivor of breakaway SAS
troupe
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Tony - Ron Brown among MPs used in advert for Bananarama's Greatest
Hits album
Paul & Alan - Neil Kinnock guests in Tracey Ullman video
Scores: Ian & Tony 12; Paul & Alan 12
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Norman Schwarzkopf; Idi Amin; Raine Spencer; Paddy Ashdown
(Spencer, as all the others have been militarily
decorated)
Alan - Frank Bough; Thora Hird; Diego Maradona; Alysia, the Aga Khan's
horse
(Hird, as all the others have taken illegal drugs)
Tony - Terry Wogan; Colonel Gadaffi; Princess Margaret; Eddie Grundy
(Gadaffi, as all the others have appeared on 'The Archers')
Ian - Michael Foot; Sir Alastair Burnet; Pamella Bordes; Derek Jameson
(Bordes, as all the others have been newspaper editors)
Scores: Ian & Tony 18; Paul & Alan 15
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Alan:
NIMMO IS __________ IN HIS LIMO!
POLICE HEROES STRANGLE CRAZED __________
THE FRENCH FACE FINES IF THEY __________ IN PUBLIC
THE MAN WHO REALLY HAS KINNOCK'S __________
BEAT RIOTS BY __________ SCHOOLS TOLD
Ian & Tony:
GADAFFI'S __________ DROOPS AFTER HIS SPLIT WITH
SCARGILL
LABOUR VOTES TO CHANGE __________
COCK-A-HOOP TORIES ARE UP __________
HURD TIPTOES ACROSS __________
THATCHER GIVES 'EM __________
Final Scores: Ian & Tony 21; Paul & Alan 25
"Good
evening and welcome to those of you who have stayed in for an evening of erudite
humour and scathing wit, but before you turn over..."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th October 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Rory
McGrath; Paul Merton
& Tony
Banks MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Rory: TV-AM loses its franchise
Paul & Tony: American judge accused of sexual indiscretions
Ian & Rory: Neo-Nazis rally in East Germany
Paul & Tony: Prince Charles sponsors new village
Scores: Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Tony 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘BONDAGE AND
BREAKFAST’
Couple
open combined hotel and brothel
Tony: ‘THIS PET SHARK IS
NO MORE’
Man
returns lifeless pet shark to the shop
Rory: ‘NEW BELGRANO, SIZE
OF CYPRUS, 'HEADING FOR FALKLANDS' ‘
Giant
iceberg breaks off from the Antarctic
Ian: ‘FARES FAIR IF YOU
LIVE IN HUNTINGDON’
John
Major blocks fare increase on his local railway line
Scores: Ian & Rory 8; Paul & Tony 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Rory - BBC launches new world TV service
Paul & Tony - various items removed from NHS prescription list
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Rory - Thatcher ambushes live BBC news outside broadcast
Paul & Tony - protestor throws ink at Heath
Scores: Ian & Rory 12; Paul & Tony 10
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Derek Jameson; Red Rum; Andrew Lloyd-Webber; Pol Pot
(Pot,
as all the others have switched on the Blackpool illuminations)
Tony - Mikhail Gorbachev; Nikita Kruschev; David Owen; Margaret Thatcher
(Owen, as all the others were politically overthrown)
Rory - Edwina Currie; Cat Stevens; Ian Paisley; David Icke
(Paisley,
as all the others have changed their religion)
Ian - Robert Maxwell; Tiny Rowland; Nicholas Ridley; Zola Budd
(Ridley,
as all the others have changed their nationality)
Scores: Ian & Rory 17; Paul & Tony 14
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Tony:
TORIES CAN SQUEEZE THEIR __________ WITH IMPUNITY
DUKE SAYS NO TO FREE SAMPLE OF __________
TORIES
WANT HESELTINE OFF THE __________
BR'S £260,000 FOR NEW __________
MAGGIE
NEIGHBOURS SUE OVER THE __________
Ian & Rory:
BAKER PLANS NEW CRIME OF __________
BOUGH
PUTS __________ IN
NOW TORIES SELL OFF __________
MADONNA'S
SECRET DATES WITH __________
PRINCESS DROPS IN FOR A CHAT WITH __________
Final
Scores: Ian & Rory 25; Paul & Tony 18
"Good evening and welcome to the show that all the
stars tune in to before issuing their writs."
FIRST BROADCAST: 25th October 1991
TEAMS:
Ian
Hislop & John
Wells; Paul Merton & Robert
Harris
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & John: Mirror foreign
editor alleged to have acted as Mossad agent
Paul & Robert: Forger admits
that 1,000 gallery paintings are fakes
Ian & John: Campaign to stop
Sunday trading
Paul & Robert: Couple who met
on 'Blind Date' get married
Scores: Ian & John 5; Paul & Robert 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘DIAL THE PALACE AND ASK FOR CHARLIE’
Palace
charwoman deals in cocaine
Robert: ‘FREE TRIP TO
CHINA’
Texaco
petrol tokens offer China trip
John: ‘RADIO GIRL'S TOT WILL BE
AIR-BORN’
Australian
DJ gives birth live on air
Ian: ‘INSTANT SUNSHINE FOR THE
POLITBURO’
East
German weathermen ordered to forecast fine weather for special occasions
Scores: Ian & John 6; Paul & Robert 10
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & John - housewife thinks she is on 'That's Life' after eating cannabis
cake
Paul & Robert - Branson loses £1.5m because US authorities won't grant his
planes liquor licences
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & John - Reagan toasts the president of the wrong country
Paul & Robert - Reagan calls Princess Diana by the name of David
Scores: Ian & John 10; Paul & Robert 12
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Saddam Hussein; Che Gevara; Sebastian Coe; Neil Kinnock
(Kinnock,
as all the others suffer from asthma)
Robert - Jeffrey Archer; Tammy Wynette; Princess Anne; Shergar
(Archer,
as all the others have been the target of kidnappers)
John - Derek Jameson; Ellen Jameson; John Stalker; Mrs Stalker
(Mrs
Stalker, as all the others are broadcasters)
Ian - Nicolai Ceaucescu; Adolf Hitler; Erik Honnike; Robert Maxwell
(Hitler,
as all the others have had their life stories published by Maxwell)
Scores: Ian & John 14; Paul & Robert 14
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Robert:
GORBACHEV ACCUSED OF ROLE IN __________
DON'T VOTE FOR US IF YOU WANT __________ SAY LABOUR
SYNOD ASKED TO DISCUSS __________
MAJOR IS __________ SAYS MINISTER'S WIFE
PHILIP
LAUGHED AS I __________ THE QUEEN!
Ian & John:
HEALTH
CHIEFS DENY THAT PATIENTS ARE BEING MADE TO __________
ANGRY MPS GET CENSORED COPY OF __________
DUKE SAYS SMALLER __________ NEEDED TO SAVE THE WORLD
NORMA HAS A GIFT FOR WINNING __________
HARRY
AND WILLS GO ON __________ IN DISGUISE
Final
Scores: Ian & John 16; Paul & Robert 18
"Good evening and welcome to the show that's got
the whole country talking - asking when it's going to end."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st November 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Nick
Hancock; Paul Merton
& Clare
Short MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Nick: Canadian hospital
'fakes' patients for Princess Diana's visit
Paul & Clare: Palestinians
demonstrate for peace in the Middle East
Ian & Nick: Russian shoppers
queue as Yeltsin announces multi-privatisation
Paul & Clare: Major backs
initiative to get more women into top jobs
Scores: Ian & Nick 4; Paul & Clare 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘DAY OF THE THREE-CLAWED
CRAB’
Mutated
crab found near nuclear power station
Clare: ‘TEST RESULTS AT SIXES AND
SEVENS’
A
third of six and seven year olds can't do simple sums
Nick: ‘BANK THAT SAYS YES, DUCKIE’
Bank
issues two photo credit cards to transvestites to show both their images
Ian: ‘£1,200 A WEEK RISE’
Phone
bills to rise as BT chief gets an extra £64,000 a year
Scores: Ian & Nick 9; Paul & Clare 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Nick - scent of fear from male hormones sprayed on to bills to make
people pay quicker
Paul & Clare - convention for memory experts
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Nick - Labour boat capsizes during all-party race
Paul & Clare - Chinese leader drops food from chopsticks
Scores: Ian & Nick 12; Paul & Clare 11
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul: Arthur Scargill; Doris
Day; Norma Major; Peter Lilley
(Lilley,
as all the others have had roses named after them)
Clare: Princess Anne; Jackie
Onassis; Julie Andrews; Michael Foot
(Foot,
as all the others have won awards for being badly dressed)
Nick: Michael Fish; Oliver
Reed; Tony Adams; Patrick Nicholls
(Reed,
as all the others have been prosecuted for drink-driving)
Ian: Derek Jameson; Liberace;
Sonia Sutcliffe; Michael Meagher
(Meagher,
as all the others have successfully sued for libel)
Scores: Ian & Nick 16; Paul & Clare 13
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Clare:
MACGREGOR PROPOSES __________ IN COMMONS
GORBACHEV INSISTS HE IS IN __________
__________ OUST BABIES AS IN-THING TO CUDDLE
MR KINNOCK HAS HIS CABINET __________ FOR HIM
MAJOR
CALLS FOR WOMEN'S __________
Ian & Nick:
HOW THE SUNDAY TIMES HELPED REAGAN FIND HIS __________
SMALL __________ FOR MAGGIE
FRANCE
IN DESPAIR AS MITTERAND LOSES HIS __________
YOU MUST KEEP YOUR BANK MANAGER IN __________
BUSH
TO APPEAR IN __________
Final Scores: Ian
& Nick 20; Paul & Clare 18
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