"Good evening and welcome to 'Have I Got News For You', or 'You've Been Libelled' as it would be called if it were on LWT."
FIRST
BROADCAST: 8th November 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Stephen
Frost; Paul Merton & Michael
White
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Stephen: Imelda Marcos returns to the Philippines
Paul & Michael: BR claim trains were delayed due to leaves on
the line
Ian & Stephen: Report into West Midlands Serious Crime Squad
published
Paul & Michael: William Roache wins 'boring' libel trial against
the Sun
Scores: Ian & Stephen 4; Paul and Michael 5
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘BANG!’
Irish
Territorial Army shouts 'bang!' after running out of bullets
Michael: ‘JOBS FOR THE WIVES’
Employment
scheme for the spouses of Government ministers
Stephen: ‘REGGAE FAN
STRUNG UP’
Reggae
fan told to listen to classical music for two hours a day as punishment for
playing his music too loud
Ian: ‘CHARLES AND KING
EDWARDS’
Prince
Charles makes a documentary on life in the Hebrides
Scores: Ian & Stephen 8; Paul & Michael 9
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Stephen - new acronyms for social categories to replace YUPPY
Paul & Michael - clips of Neil Kinnock and James Naughtie used on rap record
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Stephen - Michael Foot has tyres let down on his election car
Paul & Michael - Lord Hailsham slaps down protest placard with a whip during
election rally
Scores: Ian & Stephen 8; Paul & Michael 15
ROUND
FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Keith Richard; Duchess of York; Norman Tebbit; Mike Smith
(Richard,
as all the others have pilot's licences)
Michael - Mikhail Gorbachev; Milton Freedman; Mother Theresa of Calcutta;
Saddam Hussein
(Saddam,
as all the others have won Nobel Prizes)
Stephen - Tony Benn; Tony Blackburn; Ronald McDonald; Emperor Becassa
(Becassa, as all the others are vegetarians)
Ian - Anthony Blunt; Lord Kagen; Donald Sinden; Jack Lyons
(Sinden,
as all the others have been stripped of their knighthoods)
Scores: Ian & Stephen 11; Paul & Michael 18
ROUND
SIX - MISSING WORDS
Ian & Stephen:
IMELDA MARCOS FLIES NORTH TO WIN __________
LAMONT SET TO LOOSEN __________
WHITE HOUSE RUNS OUT OF __________
KAUFMAN PLEDGES NO MORE __________ BY LABOUR
__________
IN CELLS WOULD PREVENT MUTINY, SAY EXPERTS
Paul & Michael:
WHY __________ IS MY HERO, BY JOHN MAJOR
MAJOR BUYS HIS £55 SHIRTS FROM __________
MAJOR RULES OUT HESELTINE __________
MAJOR SET FOR TRIPLE __________
TORIES TELL MAJOR TO TAKE A __________
Final Scores: Ian & Stephen 12; Paul & Michael 22
EPISODE
7:
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th November 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Craig
Ferguson; Paul Merton
& Trevor
McDonald
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Craig: Protest about death threat to Salman Rushdie
Paul & Trevor: Golden handshake for disgraced DPP
Ian & Craig: Kurds demand cash raised by Archer benefit concert
Paul & Trevor: Checheningeshetia declare independence from
Moscow
Scores: Ian & Craig 4; Paul & Trevor 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘ALL WORK, NO TEA’
Agreement
made to shelve the workers' tea break
Trevor: ‘FIERY FRENCHIE
DROPS LE BIG CLANGER’
French
confectionery executive attacks motorist on way to new job, only to discover the
victim was his new boss
Craig: ‘KEEP DYING, YOU'RE
ON VIDEO’
Woman
videos her husband as he has a heart attack
Ian: ‘DEATH THREATS FOR HEAD WHO
BANNED PIGS IN CLASSROOM’
Head
of mainly Muslim school gets death threats after banning any references to pigs
Scores: Ian & Craig 8; Paul & Trevor 9
ROUND
THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Craig - publication of a KGB manual, including tips on training spies
and torture
Paul & Trevor - Machine Intelligence Contest
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Craig - 125 musicians fall as the stage at a Sao Paulo concert hall
collapses
Paul & Trevor - huge flagpole falls in high winds during South African
ceremony
Scores: Ian & Craig 8; Paul & Trevor 14
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Prince Andrew; Barbara Cartland; Yogi Bear; Madonna
(Cartland,
as all the others have appeared full frontal nude in public)
Trevor - Prince Charles; Ronnie Kray; Aldaniti; Bryan Robson
(Kray,
as all the others have suffered broken limbs)
Craig - Trevor McDonald; Anne Diamond; Jimmy Savile; Yogi Bear
(Yogi,
as all the others have won the Tieman Of The Year award)
Ian - Princess Michael; Duchess of York; the Queen; Jeffrey Archer
(the
Queen, as all the others have been accused of plagiarism)
Scores: Ian & Craig 10; Paul & Trevor 14
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Craig:
MAJOR PUTS MELLOR IN __________
GASCOIGNE IN DANGER OF BECOMING __________
SADDAM 'ONLY MONTHS FROM HAVING __________'
FOWLER AND TEBBIT MAY FIGHT FOR __________
YELTSIN
BRUSHES UP HIS __________
Paul & Trevor:
HESELTINE IS URGED TO BUY __________ FOR NATION
TEBBIT SINKS TEETH INTO MAJOR'S __________
ANNEKA'S BIG TASK IS __________
PRINCESS IS STRUCK BY __________
I'LL
STILL WIN __________ VOWS MAJOR
Final Scores: Ian & Craig 11; Paul & Trevor 14
"Good evening and welcome to this week's irreverent look-a-scance at the wacky world of international politics."
FIRST
BROADCAST: 22nd November 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Richard
Ingrams; Paul Merton
& Richard
Littlejohn
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Richard I: Terry Waite released after four years'
captivity in Beirut
Paul & Richard L: Police help IRA men to escape from prison
Ian & Richard I: Ku Klux Klan member stands as US governor
Paul & Richard L: Frank Bruno wins his comeback fight
Scores: Ian & Richard I 4; Paul & Richard L 5
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘BEAST-ENDERS’
Tropical
spiders loose in the East End of London
Richard L: ‘MR INLANDI
REVENDI NICKS £7M OFF THE TAXMAN’
Thieves
alter names on stolen cheques and cash in
Richard I: ‘KOSHER MONKEYS’
Jewish
leaders suggest that followers train monkeys to perform their tasks for them on
Sundays
Ian: ‘IS YOUR HAMBURGER
MADE IN HAMBURG?’
Ruling
by the EC that food can only be given place names if made in that place
Scores: Ian & Richard I 7; Paul & Richard L 9
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS
Ian & Richard I - underground Mafia city discovered in Naples
Paul & Richard L - dole fiddlers use famous or cartoon names to avoid
detection
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE
Ian & Richard I - Geoffrey Howe's aide bitten by Yorkshire terrier during
election walkabout
Paul & Richard L - by-election returning officer gets the count wrong
Scores: Ian & Richard I 8; Paul & Richard L 13
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Glenys Kinnock; Margaret Thatcher; Sting; Mary Whitehouse
(Thatcher,
as all the others used to be schoolteachers)
Richard L - David Owen; David Icke; David Nellist; the Proclaimers
(Owen,
as all the others refused to pay their poll tax)
Richard I - Desmond Tutu; Roy Jenkins;; Margaret Thatcher; Crown Prince
Hirohito of Japan
(Thatcher,
as all the others were awarded honorary doctorates from Cambridge)
Ian
- Colin
Moynihan; Richard Ingrams; Andrew Neil; Donald Trelford
(Ingrams, as all the others once dated call-girl Pamella Bordes)
Scores: Ian & Richard I 12; Paul & Richard L 17
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Richard I:
WHY MAJOR MUST __________ FOR BRITAIN
RUSHDIE HAS __________ CUT OFF
THATCHER SWALLOWS HER __________
__________ IN LINE FOR CABINET
SCOTS'
FUTURE LIES __________ SAYS MAJOR
Paul & Richard L:
DI PROVES THAT SHE'S A __________
REBEL TORY MPS JOIN ASHDOWN IN ___________
BRONZED HEATH SUCCUMBS TO TEBBIT'S __________
BAKER BANGS __________ AGAINST WALL
USE
__________ ADVISES THATCHER
Final Scores: Ian & Richard I 13; Paul & Richard L 19
"Good
evening and welcome to BBC2's answer to "Question Time" - that's
"Gardener's Question Time" of course."
FIRST BROADCAST: 29th November 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jan
Ravens; Paul Merton &
Martin
Young
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jan: Sewage worker Ian Richter is released from Iraqi jail
Paul & Martin: Convicted killer Winston Silcott acquitted on
appeal due to police corruption
Ian & Jan: Court rules ban on MI5 whistleblowing book
"Spycatcher" was illegal
Paul & Martin: Frenchman rows across the Pacific single-handedly
Scores: Ian & Jan 6; Paul & Martin 2
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘IT'S PVC PLOD’
Shopping
centre in Bristol deters thieves by installing 6ft police cut-outs
Martin: ‘LLAMAS ON THE
LINE’
Publication
of bizarre BR excuses for train delays
Jan: ‘MPS' SEXY PHONE LINE
UNPLUGGED’
MPs
have phones blocked as they are ringing porn lines too much
Ian: ‘MUM WON'T GIVE A *&$@
SHE SAYS’
Carol
Thatcher says her mother won't care that she hadn't paid her poll tax
Scores: Ian & Jan 8; Paul & Martin 8
ROUND
THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Jan - Scottish army man asks SAS soldiers to snap him out of a cult
Paul & Martin - the 'biggest liar in the world' contest
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Jan - George Bush admits to sex with Ronald Reagan during speech slip
Paul & Martin - Reagan empties large bucket of popcorn over aides
Scores: Ian & Jan 10; Paul & Martin 8
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Princess Michael; Michael Aspel; Michael Dennison; Terry Wogan
(Princess Michael, as all the others were christened Michael Terence)
Martin - Richard Nixon, Edward Kennedy; Rev Jim Bacca; Lord Armstrong
(Kennedy, as all the others have admitted to telling lies)
Jan - Gary Glitter; Alvin Stardust; Jeffrey Archer; John Pulsen
(Stardust,
as all the others went bankrupt in the 1970s)
Ian - Bernard Ingham; Diana Ross; Bernard Levin; Jimmy Carter's sister
Ruth
(Ingham, as all the others followed the Bagwan)
Scores: Ian & Jan 14; Paul & Martin 11
ROUND
SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul and Martin:
HEATH COLLIDES WITH __________
KINNOCK MEMORY LAPSE OVER __________
TIME FOR NIGEL TO CHANGE HIS __________
NORTH DENIES THAT WAITE WAS WORKING FOR ___________
HESELTINE
SPELLS GRAND PLAN TO REVIVE __________
Ian & Jan:
FRENCHMAN MAKES DI __________
I WAS SOCCER KNIFE THUG SAYS __________
GASPS AND HOOTS AS __________ IS PUT ON DISPLAY
MY TWO BOYS ARE __________ SAYS DI
MAJOR
PONDERS OFFER FROM __________
Final Scores: Ian & Jan 14; Paul & Martin 15
"Good
evening and welcome to the show that some people are already calling the last in
the series."
FIRST BROADCAST: 6th December 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Kevin
Day; Paul Merton & Edwina
Currie MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Kevin: The Maxwell brothers resign as Mirror Group
directors
Paul & Edwina: Terry Wogan resigns from the BBC
Ian & Kevin: The Kennedy-Smith assault trial
Paul & Edwina: Church accepts celibate homosexuals
Scores: Ian & Kevin 4; Paul & Edwina 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘I'M NOT PAYING MY
POLL TAX...I'M DEAD’
Man
exempts himself from poll tax after producing death certificate he was
mistakenly issued with
Edwina: ‘MINISTER WHO MET
HIS MATCH’
Anti-smoking
Minister revealed as someone who smokes three packets of cigars a day
Kevin: ‘EH OOP CHUCK! THE
QUEEN'S RIGHT UP OUR STREET’
The
Queen's speech is set to be broadcast in the middle of 'Coronation Street' with
the cast watching it
Ian: ‘I'VE GOT IT RIGHT THIS
TIME WITH SON OF C5’
Scientist
Clive Sinclair invents an electric bike
Scores: Ian & Kevin 9; Paul & Edwina 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Kevin - plans for new rail service announced by Richard Branson
Paul & Edwina - offensive plant and flower names listed by magazine
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Kevin - elephants on charity walk with Ian Botham devour village
market's vegetables
Paul & Edwina - Nancy Reagan falls over
Scores: Ian & Kevin 13; Paul & Edwina 12
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Dennis Potter; Andrew Ridgeley; Norman Lamont; Alex Higgins
(Potter,
as all the others have sported black eyes in public)
Edwina - Mikhail Gorbachev; Denis Healey; Vanessa Redgrave; Doris Lessing
(Redgrave, as all the others were members of the Communist Party)
Kevin - Robin Cook; Theresa Lawson; the Queen; Shep
(Shep,
as all the others have been bitten by dogs)
Ian - Robbie Coltrane; the Pope; Ken Livingstone; David Steel
(the
Pope, as all the others have appeared in TV commercials)
Scores: Ian & Kevin 17; Paul & Edwina 13
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Edwina:
QUEEN URGES MUM TO __________
__________ FOUND IN MAXWELL PENSION FUND
SETBACK AS HURD LOSES __________
GORBY'S XMAS PRESENT WILL BE __________
WHY
BRITAIN MUST LOCK UP __________
Ian & Kevin:
I'M NO __________ SAYS ESTHER
DI
STOPS ON M25 TO __________
__________ TO REPLACE WOGAN
DUKE BREAKS __________ BRIEFLY
DUTCH
__________ THAT MAY AWAIT MAJOR
Final Scores: Ian & Kevin 23; Paul & Edwina 17
SERIES SCORE: Ian 3; Paul 7
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