"Good
evening and welcome to the first of what is already being called our third
series."
FIRST BROADCAST: 17th April 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & John
Wells; Paul Merton & Tony
Slattery
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS
Ian & John: Nelson and Winnie Mandela get divorced
Paul & Tony: Gallery of nude paintings of the Royal family
Ian & John: The success of the memoirs of Millie, George Bush's
dog
Paul & Tony: The announcement of Channel 5
Scores: Ian & John 5; Paul & Tony 2
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES
Paul: ‘WHY THERE'S A
BURNING DESIRE FOR VINDALOO’
Scientists
discover an ingredient in curry which makes it addictive
Tony: ‘ANNE: I WANT A QUICKIE’
Princess
Anne and Mark Phillips get a swift divorce
John: ‘RAINE RAINE GO AWAY’
All
the belongings of Princess Diana's stepmother Raine Spencer are removed from
Althorp House
Ian: ‘OVERPRICED, OVER THE
TOP AND OVER HERE’
The
opening in Paris of Eurodisney
Scores: Ian & John 7; Paul & Tony 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS
Ian & John - the candidates for the position of Hong Kong governor
Paul & Tony - the candidates for the Labour Party leadership
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE
Ian & John - old footage of Robert Kilroy-Silk
Paul & Tony - cameraman falls over while filming Sarah Ferguson
Scores: Ian & John 9; Paul & Tony 14
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT
Paul - Bruce Gyngell; Boy George; the Dalai Lama; a llama
(the
llama, as all the others are Buddhists)
Tony - Phil Collins; Andrew Lloyd-Webber; Freddie Starr; Neil Kinnock
(Kinnock,
as all the others said they would leave Britain if Labour won the election)
John - Robert Maxwell; Paul Keating; Big Mama Alice Frasier; Lord
Caernarfon
(Caernarfon, as all the others have manhandled the Queen)
Ian - Edward Heath; Chris Patten; Bobby Robson; Mr Punch
(Punch,
as all the others are out of work)
Scores: Ian & John 13; Paul & Tony 18
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS
Ian & John:
GADAFFI PONDERS OFFER TO ESCORT __________
PRINCE OF WALES LINKS POPULATION RISE TO __________
TORIES
PLAY HUNT THE __________
THATCHER TO BECOME __________ IN DISSOLUTION HONOURS
NEW
DPP SEEKS __________
Paul & Tony:
PARTY MEMBERS CONCERNED OVER SMITH'S __________
ARCHER BLOWS £1.5M ON A __________ FOR HIS FLAT
MPS' WIVES VOTE NO TO __________
MAJOR GIVEN __________ BY THATCHER
RAF
CREW SAVE GOAT FROM __________
Final Scores: Ian & John 15; Paul & Tony 23
"Good
evening and welcome to another half hour of gratuitous abuse thinly disguised as
in-depth political satire."
FIRST BROADCAST: 24th April 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Donna
McPhail; Paul Merton
& Joan
Bakewell
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Donna: Betty Boothroyd elected as Speaker of the House of
Commons
Paul & Joan: All out one-day strike in Germany
Ian & Donna: Discovery of the 'big bang'
Paul & Joan: Feared dead Freddie the dolphin found alive
Scores: Ian & Donna 4; Paul & Joan 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘BLACK HORSE RIDES
IN’
Lloyds
Bank bid to take over the Midland
Joan: ‘THIS IS JUST WHAT
GIRLS HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR’
launch
of the soft porn magazine "For Women"
Donna: ‘999 - I'VE GOT THE
HOTS FOR A FIREMAN’
woman
with a fireman fetish sets her neighbour's house ablaze in order to see a fire
crew
Ian: ‘IS THE WIG HELD IN
CONTEMPT?’
judges
discuss removing their wigs to improve their image
Scores: Ian & Donna 8; Paul & Joan 9
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Donna - Duchess of York goes on another holiday after splitting with
Prince Andrew
Paul & Joan - Libyan government plead with the BBC to withdraw Kate Adie
from their country
*This was the last time the Connections round was ever played.
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Donna - footage of Labour MP and leadership candidate Bryan Gould as a
TV reporter
Paul & Joan - footage of the student Prince Charles onstage at Cambridge
Scores: Ian & Donna 13; Paul & Joan 13
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Esther Rantzen; Michael Parkinson; Hanu Mikola; a rhinoceros
(the
rhinoceros, as all the others are rhinos at Knowsley Safari Park as well as
celebrities)
Joan - Michael Jackson; Tricia Howard; Belinda Carlisle; Ken Livingstone
(Howard, as all the others keep exotic pets)
Donna - Princess Margaret; Kate Adie; Sid Vicious; Dracula
(Dracula,
as all the others have suffered from hepatitis)
Ian - Ernest Saunders; Roger Sielick; Mr Justice Henry; Jesus of Nazareth
(Henry, as all the others have made miraculous recoveries from illness)
Scores: Ian & Donna 16; Paul & Joan 14
ROUND
SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Joan:
TIME RUNS OUT FOR CLINTON TO CATCH __________
GORBACHEV JOINS __________
MPS LEARN THE FIRST HOUSE RULE - FIND A __________ AND A __________
ONLY
__________ IS HOLDING US BACK, SAYS CONFIDENT LAMONT
LABOUR CONTENDERS IN FRANTIC HUNT FOR __________
Ian & Donna:
GUMMER - A __________ AND PROUD OF IT
BEIJING LAYS CLAIM TO __________
BOOTHROYD BEATS BROOKE WITH __________
THE KINNOCKS CONSIDER A MOVE __________
MYSTERY
BALDIE SHARES FERGIE'S __________
Final Scores: Ian & Donna 20; Paul & Joan 18
"Good
evening and welcome to another edition of 'Have I Got News For You', or as it's
rather neatly abbreviated to - Hignerferfyer."
FIRST BROADCAST: 1st May 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jan
Ravens; Paul Merton &
Charles
Kennedy MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jan: The riots in Los Angeles after the Rodney King trial
Paul & Charles: Gorbachev in the USA on a speaking tour
Ian & Jan: Soap operas to be put on school curriculums
Paul & Charles: The locations of the secret service buildings
are revealed
Scores: Ian & Jan 6; Paul & Charles 2
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘WORM CHEATS ALL WASHED UP’
worm
charmers are banned from using undrinkable liquids to entice worms out of the
ground
Charles: ‘EVERY PARENT'S LAST
DETERRENT’
debate
in Scotland as to whether parents are permitted to smack their children
Jan: ‘HAND ME THE BIG MAC PLEASE
NURSE’
Guy's
hospital in London gives its catering franchise to McDonald's
Ian: ‘IS BARON SCOUNDREL REALLY
DEAD?’
mystery
of the supposedly dead, crooked peer Lord Moynihan who has been found alive
Scores: Ian & Jan 10; Paul & Charles 6
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Jan - footage of Ken Livingstone on a speedboat
Paul & Charles - footage of Ken Livingstone water-skiing
Scores: Ian & Jan 12; Paul & Charles 8
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Michael Heseltine; Reg Varney; James Whale; a whale
(the
whale, as all the others suffer from dyslexia)
Charles - Dame Shirley Porter; Buster Mottram; Edward de Bono; Loyd
Grossman
(Grossman, as all the others are Lloyd's Names)
Jan - Max Bygraves; Kim Philby; Mark Phillips; the Archbishop of Canterbury
(the Archbishop, as all the others have fathered lovechildren)
Ian - Edward Heath; Peter Lilley; Simon Le Bon; sex changee Tracey Stamp
(Lilley, as all the others are sailors)
Scores: Ian & Jan 16; Paul & Charles 11
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Charles:
STORM BREWS OVER HESELTINE'S ROLE IN __________
CHARLES HITS __________ AT SELINA'S SCOTT’S PARTY
MAJOR PROMISES NEW __________ FOR SCOTLAND
BRANSON TRAIN TO OFFER STEWARDESS SERVICE, FREE MEALS AND __________
BUSH
BLAMES __________ FOR RIOTS
Ian & Jan:
PADDY DOES __________ ON THE M4
BBC SEES __________ AS VITAL TO RETAIN ITS RADIO LISTENERS
HEAD LETS CHILDREN __________ AT SCHOOL
MI6 CHIEF COMES OUT OF __________
ONE
__________ IS ENOUGH, SAYS FERGIE'S SISTER
Final Scores: Ian & Jan 21; Paul & Charles 19
"Good
evening and welcome to this half hour tribute to the good burgers of Fleet
Street, and I use the word burgers mistakenly."
FIRST BROADCAST: 8th May 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Harry
Enfield; Paul Merton
& John
Diamond
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Harry: Judith Ward freed on appeal after her conviction
for an IRA bombing was quashed
Paul & John: Imelda Marcos puts her name forward for election as
president of the Philippines
Ian & Harry: Vietnamese boat people sent home from Hong Kong
Paul & John: Bishop
of Galway fathers a lovechild
Scores: Ian & Harry 4; Paul & John 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘KETTLE DO NICELY!’
Pregnant
woman has craving for limescale from kettles
John: ‘QUEEN OF THE ISLES’
Selina
Scott and Prince Charles make documentary in Scotland
Harry: ‘SAVILE STRIP SHOW
REPORTED TO DPP’
Outcry
over a small boy taking part in a male strip show on "Jim'll Fix It"
Ian: ‘CITY LOSES FAITH IN
NEWSPAPER MILLIONAIRE'S DEAL’
Financial
columnist says he can make people millionaires if they send him £6,000
Scores: Ian & Harry 6; Paul and John 9
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Harry - Liberal Alliance by-election candidate alone at street meeting
Paul & John - Roy Hattersley playing football in school playground
Scores: Ian & Harry 8; Paul & John 11
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Winston Churchill; Paula Yates; Steffi Graf; Kelvin McKenzie
(McKenzie, as all the others are nudists)
John - Terry Dicks; Harry Enfield; Jeremy Isaacs; Sir George Young
(Dicks,
as all the others are opera lovers)
Harry - Queen Victoria; Margaret Thatcher; Nelson Mandela; Otis Redding
(Redding, as all the others have had places named after them)
Ian - Adnan Khashoggi; Mark Thatcher; Robert Maxwell; Sooty
(Sooty,
as all the others have been involved in arms deals)
Scores: Ian & Harry 14; Paul & John 11
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & John:
POSTMEN ARE ALLOWED TO WEAR __________
THE QUEEN JOINS __________
POPE URGED TO PROBE __________
ASHDOWN
SWINGS __________
BISHOP SAYS __________ IS HIS
Ian & Harry:
BUSH FINDS __________ AMID RUBBLE OF LOS ANGELES
FERGIE WILL TELL ANDREW __________
MELLOR ADOPTS A __________ STANCE IN DEALINGS WITH BBC
ALL SCHOOLS TO __________ BY THE END OF THE DECADE
TORIES
SURPRISE THEMSELVES WITH SPECTACULAR ___________
Final Scores: Ian & Harry 16; Paul & John 23
FIRST BROADCAST: 15th May 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Rory
McGrath; Paul Merton
& Ken
Livingstone
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Rory: Jeffrey Archer elevated to the House of Lords
Paul & Ken: DPP throws out case against West Midlands Serious
Crime Squad
Ian & Rory: Financial difficulties for Canary Wharf owners
Paul & Ken: Passports for pets introduced
Scores: Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Ken 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘£10M SOAP VILLAGE’
BBC
spends £10m on Eldorado set
Ken: ‘YOUNGSTERS ARE SO GREY’
survey
states the day's youth put people first
Rory: ‘END TO BUS STOP
BLUES’
information
signs about buses installed in London
Ian: ‘JUDGE DREAD!’
American
judge points gun at defendant
Scores: Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Ken 12
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Rory - Reagan speech interrupted by environmental protestor
Paul & Ken - Reagan forgets the name of African bishop
Scores: Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Ken 15
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Princess Diana; Beryl Bainbridge; Carla Lane; Richard Branson
(Princess Diana, as all the others have no O-levels)
Ken - Lord Longford; Roy Hudd; great train robber Bob Welch; Desert Orchid
(Longford, as all the others have presented petitions to 10 Downing Street)
Rory - Alan Amos; Sir Clive Sinclair; Barry Sheene; Viscount Linley
(Sinclair, as all the others are keen motorcyclists)
Ian - Sir John Harvey-Jones; Tony Benn; Stephen Fry; Jimmy Greaves
(Fry,
as all the others have been Pipe Smoker of the Year)
Scores: Ian & Rory 6; Paul & Ken 16
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Rory:
PRESCOTT TRIUMPHS IN __________ CONTEST
BUSH IS ACCUSED OF 'PUSHING' __________
RYDER CUP GOLFER BITTEN BY __________
ARCHER IS EXPECTED TO PAY HIS DUES __________
SAY
NO TO SEX, __________ URGED
Paul & Ken:
JOYOUS FERGIE MOVES IN WITH __________
COCAINE TREATMENT ORDER FOR __________
WALDEGRAVE OPENS CHINK IN __________
POLICE ARE SHOCKED BY KEN'S __________
WHY
WE CAN'T FACE MRS T'S __________
Final Scores: Ian & Rory 11; Paul & Ken 17
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