"Good evening and welcome to the show that has done for Fleet Street what
Fleet Street has done for David Mellor."
FIRST BROADCAST: 16th
October 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & John
Sessions; Paul Merton
& Griff
Rhys-Jones
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & John: Government's closure of the majority of Britain's
coal mines
Paul & Griff: Madonna's visit to London to promote her book
"Sex"
Ian & John: Government announce another slump in the economy
Paul & Griff: Speed cameras set up in London
Scores: Ian & John 4; Paul & Griff 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘PARROT THAT GOT IT
IN THE NECK’
Parrot
strangled by neighbour after it had been trained to squawk his name over and
over again
Griff: ‘RATS ESCAPE’
New
thief-proof police car stolen in Newcastle
John: ‘WILLIAM'S ROYAL FLUSH’
Prince
William pushes fellow pupil's head down the toilet
Ian: ‘BUBBLE BURSTS FOR EINSTEIN DRUG’
Drug company fined for false claims about their 'intelligence drug'
Scores: Ian & John 7; Paul & Griff 8
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & John - footage of Paul Boateng MP playing a judge wearing ladies'
underwear
Paul & Griff - car crashes as bureaucrat gives TV interview denying the road
is an accident blackspot
Scores: Ian & John 9; Paul & Griff 10
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - George Bush; Bill Clinton; Batman; Robin Hood
(Batman,
as all the others descend from Sherwood Forest families)
Griff - Terry Waite; Frank Bough; He-Man; Max Clifford
(Clifford,
as all the others have been tied up)
John - Woody Allen; Amanda de Cadanet; Chris Eubank; Derek Jameson
(Allen,
as all the others spent time in a children's home)
Ian - Terry Wogan; Norman Lamont; John Major; Onan
(Onan,
as all the others were merchant bankers)
Scores: Ian & John 11; Paul & Griff 12
ROUND
FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & John:
ARRESTING CHILDREN IS __________ SAY POLICE
__________ MAY BE FIRST BLACK POPE
GORBACHEV FUMES AS POLICE EVICT HIM FROM __________
LAMONT LEFT IN __________ AFTER SPEECH
PRINCESS
ROYAL DEFIES VETS OVER __________
Paul & Griff:
FERGIE POPS INTO HOUSE TO DO __________
PRIME MINISTER WAS AWARE __________ HAD BEEN MASSAGED
JASON'S A __________ DISC BY STAR KING
CHURCH MAY ADVERTISE __________ IN PRESS
FARMER TELLS HOW HE PUT __________ IN MAJOR'S EAR
Final Scores: Ian & John 17; Paul & Griff 16
“Good
evening and welcome to the programme which the Brighton Evening Argus this week
encapsulated in one sentence." (picture of the trio shown with the caption
'disturbing story of insanity and murder')
FIRST BROADCAST: 23rd
October 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & David
Baddiel; Paul Merton
& Charles
Kennedy MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& David: The Queen visits Germany
Paul & Charles: Coal dumped on Michael Heseltine's driveway
Ian & David: Withdrawal of Jesus puppet by "Spitting
Image" after Muslim complaints
Paul & Charles: Row between the chairman and Director-General of
the BBC
Scores: Ian & David 5; Paul & Charles 2
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘YOU MUST BE DENTAL,
DOC’
Dentist
burglar in Munich who breaks into people's houses to clean and fill their teeth
as they sleep
Charles: ‘THE GAY RITES THAT ANGERED ARCHBISHOP CAREY’
The
publication of a gay prayer book
David: ‘YICKES! NOW IT'S THE BROKEN HAND OF GOD’
Ex-footballer
and self-proclaimed Son of God David Icke breaks his hand in goalkeeping
comeback
Ian: ‘FERGIE'S £1M FURY’
The Duchess of York sues the photographer who took her topless pictures
Scores: Ian & David 9; Paul & Charles 4
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & David - charity worker queuing in the January sales gets his donation
cheque eaten by a goat
Paul & Charles - chimpanzee throws faeces at zookeeper during TV interview
Scores:
Ian & David 9; Paul & Charles 6
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Clint Eastwood; Lisa Stansfield; Roy Hattersley; a carpet mite
(the
carpet mite, as all the others suffer from allergies)
Charles - Madonna; Prince Edward; Johnny Bryan; Antonio de Sancha
(Prince
Edward, as all the others are self-confessed toe suckers)
David - Teresa Gorman; David Essex; Sally Gunnell; Mary Whitehouse
(Essex,
as all the others are Essex girls)
Ian - Salvador Dali; the Dalai Lama; Paul Raymond; Alfred Hitchcock
(Raymond, as all the others have edited "Vogue" magazine)
Scores:
Ian & David 11; Paul & Charles 8
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Charles:
BBC SELLS ELDORADO TO __________
PEROT CHASES BUSH IN __________
TORY MPS MAY __________ THEIR WHIPS
THE QUEEN'S __________ ARE SPACED OUT
CHURCH
URGED TO SELL ITS __________
Ian & David:
SATELLITES SPOT HUGE __________ IN ITALY
MAJOR LOOKS INTO __________
ASHDOWN WARNS MPS AGAINST __________
UPROAR, SHOCK AND SHAME AS HESELTINE CHASES __________
KINNOCK
IS REFUSED __________ JOB
Scores: Ian & David 16; Paul & Charles 16
*As the scores were tied, the Caption Competition was used as a tiebreaker
and Paul was awarded the extra point for the best caption.
Final
Scores: Ian & David 16; Paul & Charles 17
*A prize was awarded to the winners - a copy of the book everyone was talking
about. "Sex" - by J.G.
Bennett.
"Good
evening and tonight an orgy of fun, frolic and gay abandon, but first we have to
get the programme out of the way."
FIRST BROADCAST: 30th
October 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Danny
Baker; Paul Merton & Annabel
Giles
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Danny: Suggestions that John Major is going mad
Paul & Annabel: Four year old French pop star
Ian & Danny: Trouble in Hong Kong for governor Chris Patten
Paul & Annabel: MOT tests introduced in the Scilly Isles
Scores: Ian & Danny 4; Paul & Annabel 3
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘ANNE'S FEAR OVER
NUCLEAR DEER’
Deer
near Balmoral have excess radiation in their antlers
Annabel: ‘ER, SORRY, THE END OF THE WORLD ISN'T NIGH’
Fanatics
in South Korea announce the end of the world, which then didn't happen
Danny: ‘HEDGEHOGS ON HEDGE OF A BREAKDOWN’
Anxiety
attacks and trauma being suffered by hedgehogs
Ian: ‘THE MAN WHO BROKE THE BANK OF ENGLAND’
American stockbroker earns millions of pounds in taxpayers' money after betting on the ERM collapse
Scores: Ian & Danny 8; Paul & Annabel 5
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Danny - early morning police visit for Robert Maxwell's daughter in
law Pandora
Paul & Annabel - birthday cake smashed into the face of Paul Gascoigne
Scores:
Ian & Danny 10; Paul & Annabel 6
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Mr Keith Oates of Chester; Mrs Sharwa Sadiki of East Yule; Mr
Robert Black of Glasgow; Mr Gwyn Jones of Aberystwyth
(Black,
as all the others are BBC governors)
Annabel - Cyril Smith; Madonna; Tim Curry; Captain Kirk
(Smith,
as all the others have worn corsets)
Danny - Princess Margaret; Richard Branson; Carla Lane; Eton school
(Princess Margaret, as all the others own islands)
Ian - Cliff Richard; the Bishop of Galway; Samantha Fox; Stephen Fry
(the Bishop, as all the others are celibate)
Scores: Ian & Danny 12; Paul & Annabel 7
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Annabel:
PRIESTS TO __________ IF SYNOD REBUFFS WOMEN
BBC RIDDLED WITH __________ SAYS TV CHIEF
SMITH IS CAUGHT IN __________
MAJOR TO RISK ALL ON __________
HESELTINE
COMES OUT __________
Ian & Danny:
ALIENS RUSH FOR RIGHTS IN __________
PARANOID PEROT SCORES __________
FARMERS FIND __________ IN PEAS
YOUNG PEOPLE __________ ABOUT RADIO 1
OUTCRY AT £3M BILL TO PUT MAGGIE IN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Danny 13; Paul and Annabel 11
"Good evening and before the next inexplicable BBC2 logo, a short
programme. And before any of you comment on my voice, let me tell you that's the
last time I French kiss Bill Clinton."
FIRST BROADCAST: 6th
November 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Frank
Skinner; Paul Merton
& Jerry
Hayes MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Frank - the Government narrowly win the Commons vote on Maastricht
Paul & Jerry: Bill Clinton becomes the new American president
Ian & Frank: The Prince and Princess of Wales visit Korea
Paul & Jerry: EC rule that fishermen must wear hairnets to
protect their produce
Scores: Ian & Frank 4; Paul & Jerry 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘IT'S MR KATE ADIE’
TV
cameraman changes his name to Kate Adie in order to get more work in war zones
Jerry: ‘BRITISH BURGLARY CORPORATION’
Sets,
costumes and props stolen in a spate of thefts from the BBC
Frank: ‘CHILDREN TO PUT THEIR PARENTS IN THE DOCK’
New
Act of Parliament allows children to divorce their parents
Ian: ‘GALILEO WINS, 359 YEARS LATE’
The
Pope finally pardons Galileo after accepting his claim that the Earth was not
the centre of the universe
Scores: Ian & Frank 8; Paul & Jerry 8
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Frank - pile of drums blow away during gusty Royal ceremony
Paul & Jerry - theatre group cover Prince Charles in shaving foam
Scores: Ian & Frank 10; Paul & Jerry 8
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Michael Winner; Sinead O'Connor; LaToya Jackson; Ronald Reagan Jr
(Winner, as all the others have publicly criticised their parents)
Jerry - David Mellor, Norman Lamont, Michael Heseltine; Bill Oddie
(Mellor,
as all the others are ornithologists)
Frank - Elton John; Kevin Maxwell; Frank Warren; Jimmy Hill
(Warren,
as all the others have been chairmen of football clubs)
Ian - John Gummer; Ayatollah Khameni; Toqua Mada; the Bishop of Durham
(the Bishop, as all the others believe in miracles)
Scores:
Ian & Frank 13; Paul & Jerry 12
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Jerry:
LAMONT WANTS FIVE __________ TO WATCH THE ECONOMY
CHANNEL 4 CELEBRATES 10 YEARS OF __________
THE GERMANS SAY YES TO __________
FERGIE FIGHTS TO KEEP __________
MOTHERS
BLANCH AS MAJOR UNVEILS NAKED __________
Ian & Frank:
FATE OF WORLD ECONOMY HANGS ON __________
BUSES TO USE __________ FOR TRIAL PERIOD
MAJOR WOOS TORIES WITH SOFT __________
DIANA TURNS ON __________ IN A PACT WITH CHARLES
LAMONT SAYS NO PLANS TO __________ THE QUEEN
Final Scores: Ian & Frank 13; Paul & Jerry 18
"Good
evening and welcome to the programme where the participants exhibit slightly
worse manners than the Blue Peter elephant."
FIRST BROADCAST: 13th
November 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Rory
Bremner; Paul Merton
& Ken
Livingstone MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Rory: The ordination of the first women priests
Paul & Ken: Talks with the EC collapse over subsidies to French
farmers
Ian & Rory: Acquittal of Matrix Churchill in arms-to-Iraq trial
Paul & Ken: Sale of Stonehenge and other ancient monuments
Scores:
Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Ken 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘NIKE'S SOLE
SURVIVORS HIT THE BEACHES’
Slick
of Nike trainers wash up on the California coast, two years after the ship
carrying them sank
Ken: ‘THERE'S NO NOOKIE IN HEAVEN’
The
Pope says sex doesn't happen in Heaven
Rory: ‘HALF A FISH FINGER DIET’
Government
draw up £10 per week menu for the poor
Ian: ‘KEEP YOUR NOSE OUT OF ULSTER’
Angry reactions over Clinton's wish to send an envoy over to solve Northern Ireland's problems
Scores: Ian & Rory 8; Paul & Ken 8
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Rory: Small boy repeatedly tries to kick David Steel
Paul & Ken: Farmer coats council office with manure over
planning dispute
Scores:
Ian & Rory 8; Paul & Ken 10
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Sonny Bono; a box of Bonio; Bosca the dog; Dame Shirley Porter
(the
box of Bonio, as all the others have been Mayors)
Ken - Sue Lawley; Kenny Dalglish; Harold Wilson; Ben Elton
(Dalglish,
as all the others have presented chat shows)
Rory - Nigel Mansell; David Gower; Gary Numan; Stevie Wonder
(Gower,
as all the others are pilots)
Ian - Magnus Magnusson; Robert Kilroy-Silk; Sir Michael Checkland; Sir
Harry Secombe
(Kilroy-Silk,
as all the others have children working at the BBC)
Scores: Ian & Rory 10; Paul & Ken 11
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Rory:
__________ TO HEAD ARMS FOR IRAQ CASE INQUIRY
BUSH ACCUSED OF PLANTING __________ IN CLINTON'S __________
__________ MAY BE MOVED TO MOON
PM
SUCKED INTO __________
Paul & Ken:
A NEW BREED OF DAIRY FARMER MILKS 90,000 __________
CHARLES'S SECRET BEDTIME __________
YELTSIN DELIVERS __________ AND HANDS THE QUEEN AN INVITATION
BLUSHING VIEWERS BACK TV SEX BUT NOT IN __________
*From this episode, the Missing Words round was reduced from five headlines per team to four.
Final Scores: Ian & Rory 17; Paul & Ken 13
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