"Good
evening and welcome to another programme in the series that this week creates a
little bit of televisual history, as for the first time ever, Ian Hislop is in
the lead."
FIRST BROADCAST: 20th
November 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Sandi
Toksvig; Paul Merton
& Nick
Hancock
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Sandi: Publication of a private conversation between
Prince Charles and Camilla Parker-Bowles
Paul & Nick: Public schoolboy gets £6,000 compensation for
caning
Ian & Sandi: The Mirror appoints new hierarchy following the
Maxwell affair
Paul & Nick: Footballer Vinnie Jones fined £20,000 over his
"hardmen" video
Scores: Ian & Sandi 4; Paul & Nick 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘BEWARE CURRIE'S DISEASE’
Illness
related to poor diet named after Edwina Currie
Nick: ‘TOMB IT MAY CONCERN’
Council
sends letters to corpses asking for permission to inspect their graves
Sandi: ‘NAKED SPICE TO ARMY LIFE’
Army
chiefs test the attitude of their troops by leaving pornographic magazines in
the mock battle field
Ian: ‘JAPANESE UP TO THEIR EARS IN JEWELS FROM THE SEWERS’
Range of jewellery made from human excrement by the Japanese
Scores: Ian & Sandi 7; Paul & Nick 10
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Sandi - Prince Charles makes water conservation speech in torrential
rain
Paul & Nick - BBC reporter John Simpson forgets the Chancellor's name
Scores: Ian & Sandi 9; Paul & Nick 10
ROUND
FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Linford Christie; Screaming Lord Sutch; Jonathan Guinness; the
captain of the Titanic
(Christie,
as all the others have had a beer named after them)
Nick - Henry Ford; Gerald Ford; Ron Todd; Sandie Shaw
(Gerald
Ford, as all the others used to work for the Ford motor company)
Sandi - Princess Michael; Alessandra Mussolini; Katie Boyle; Bernard
Manning
(Manning, as all the others are the children of fascists)
Ian - Tom Cruise; John Travolta; Sir Alan Walters; Bart Simpson*
(Walters,
as all the others are Scientologists)
*Bart Simpson is not a Scientologist, but the woman who supplies his voice is.
Scores: Ian & Sandi 13; Paul & Nick 11
ROUND
FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Nick:
DINNER GUEST HESELTINE WALKS INTO __________
MY FATHER NEVER GAVE ME ANY __________ SAYS BLANDFORD
PRINCESS CALLS ON __________ TO SHOW LOVE
LAMONT
RELAXES WITH A __________
Ian & Sandi:
FERGIE TO STAGE __________ AT THE PALACE
SPECULATION GROWS OVER MRS CLINTON'S __________
PM TO REWARD NORM WITH __________
DANCING MILK BOTTLES WIN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Sandi 18; Paul & Nick 16
EPISODE
7:
"Good evening and welcome to the programme that has done for Friday and
Saturday nights what ten pints of lager does for Sunday mornings."
FIRST BROADCAST: 27th
November 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Chris
Tarrant; Paul Merton
& Meera
Syal
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Chris: The fire which gutted Windsor Castle
Paul & Meera: The seizure of £160m worth of cocaine
Ian & Chris: The final divorce settlement for Bill Wyman and
Mandy Smith
Paul & Meera: Dolphins trained as spies by the Russians
Scores: Ian & Chris 4; Paul & Meera 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul:
‘FASTER THAN A SPEEDING PULLET!’
Airline chiefs fire frozen chickens at aeroplanes to test what happens when collisions with live birds occur
in
the sky
Meera: ‘PRIVACY PROTEST OVER THE MAN WHO CAME UNSTUCK WITH GLUE’
MPs
object to press treatment of a man who accidentally superglued his buttocks
together
Chris: ‘GIFT SHOPPE PLAN ROCKS CRADLE OF DEMOCRACY’
Part
of Parliament to be turned into a shopping mall
Ian: ‘$5BN GADAFI GIFT HAS A TWIST IN TAIL’
Every family in Libya to receive $10,000 from Gadafi
Scores:
Ian & Chris 5; Paul & Meera 10
ROUND THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Chris - two lesbians kiss passionately in full view of Republican
heavyweights at fundraising dinner
Paul & Meera - defendant attacks Sky News reporter outside court
Scores: Ian & Chris 7; Paul & Meera 12
ROUND
FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Ian Paisley; Valerie Singleton; Yasser Arafat; the Irish football
team
(Paisley,
as all the others have met the Pope)
Meera - Leslie Grantham; Johnnie Walker; Fred Housego; Robert de Niro
(Grantham, as all the others worked as taxi drivers)
Chris - Bruce Forsyth; Billy Butlin; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Glenda
Jackson
(Schwarzenegger, as all the others worked at Butlins)
Ian - Bernard Levin; Russell Harty; Robert Kilroy-Silk; Sooty
(Kilroy-Silk,
as all the others have been punched on live television)
Scores: Ian & Chris 11; Paul & Meera 15
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Chris:
LABOUR MP STEPS DOWN TO SHAKE OFF __________
QUEEN TO LIVE __________
MAJOR CANNOT RECALL __________
MYSTERY
OF LAMONT'S UNPAID __________
Paul & Meera:
__________ HELD AFTER 10 TONNES OF CANNABIS FOUND
RATNER PAYS __________ FOR DECANTER JOKE
HESELTINE JOINS ATTACK ON __________
NEW LAW PREVENTS POLITICIANS FROM KEEPING __________
Final Scores: Ian & Chris 16; Paul & Meera 18
"Good
evening and welcome to the news in capsule form, a sort of current affairs
equivalent of Ex-Lax."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th
December 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop &
Jo
Brand; Paul Merton
& Neil
Kinnock MP
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jo: Credit card excesses of Norman Lamont
Paul & Neil: Introduction of the Council Tax
Ian & Jo: Stars paid huge fees for appearing on
"Wogan"
Paul & Neil: Demonstration over sado-masochists jailed for
inflicting consenting acts on each other
Scores: Ian & Jo 4; Paul & Neil 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘MOTH IS DEAD LOSS’
Rare
moth died five minutes before a prospective mate is delivered
Neil: ‘IT'S HEIL THATCHER’
Moustache
drawn on Commons portrait of Baroness Thatcher
Jo: ‘CONDENSED SOAP!’
Three
minute "highlights" episode of Australian soap "Young
Doctors" is made by Yorkshire Television
Ian: ‘GLENDA VOTE-RIG STORM’
Forged votes found in Glenda Jackson's constituency
Scores: Ian & Jo 6; Paul & Neil 10
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Jo - Roy Hattersley and Susannah York singing at a piano
Paul & Neil - pantomime featuring Ken Livingstone as Robin Hood
Scores: Ian & Jo 9; Paul & Neil 11
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Eddie Edwards; the Pope; Mrs Colin Moynihan; the Duchess of York
(the
Pope, as all the others have had ski-ing accidents)
Neil - Douglas Hurd; Harold Wilson; John Wakeham; John Stonehouse
(Wilson,
as all the others married their secretaries)
Jo - Edward Heath; John Major; Neil Kinnock; Andre Previn
(Major,
as all the others have conducted orchestras)
Ian - Lord Whitelaw; Mark Thatcher; Gary Numan; Gavin Nash aged nine
(Thatcher, as all the others own guns)
Scores: Ian & Jo 13; Paul & Neil 13
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Jo:
CHARLES: I WON'T TAKE DI __________
MAJOR IS URGED TO ATTACK __________
BBC MOVES __________ TO SURVIVE
TEBBIT
WANTED TO BE __________
Paul & Neil:
QUEEN MOTHER COMBINES HER DUTIES WITH A LOVE OF __________
BETTY MAXWELL SELLS __________
YARD'S NEW CHIEF URGES POLICE TO ABANDON __________
NUMBER
OF SEXUAL PARTNERS LINKED TO __________
Final Scores: Ian & Jo 18; Paul & Neil 15
EPISODE
9:
"Good evening and welcome to another half hour homage to the God of
drivel."
FIRST BROADCAST: 11th
December 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Peter
Cook; Paul Merton & Douglas
Adams
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Peter: The Prince and Princess of Wales announce their
separation
Paul & Douglas: The Princess Royal to marry Commander Tim Laurence
Ian & Peter: American forces arrive to keep the peace in Somalia
Paul & Douglas: Dangerous criminals allowed to keep rabbits as
therapy
Scores: Ian and Peter 4; Paul & Douglas 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘SEX THERAPY FOR MAN WHO
FELL IN LOVE WITH THE FAMILY CAR’
Man
too shy to talk to women receives therapy to wean him off his relationship with
his car
Douglas: ‘THE SWEAT SMELL OF SUCCESS‘
Scientists
claim men sweat more over Christmas in order to attract women
Peter: ‘JUSTICE IS A FERRET DOWN THE TROUSERS’
Vigilante
group in Wales push a ferret down the trousers of troublemakers
Ian: ‘SAUDI CANE ORDEAL’
British
ex-pat sentenced to 50 lashes for using the word 'bastards'
Scores: Ian & Peter 8; Paul & Douglas 8
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Peter - stars flock to a bash supporting Margaret Thatcher
Paul & Douglas - eagle attacks the Prime Minister of Ireland
Scores:
Ian & Peter 8; Paul & Douglas 8
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Benito Mussolini; Michael Fish; Jackie Onassis; Shirley McLaine
(Fish, as all the others have been the subject of mini-series)
Douglas - Peter Middleton; Mary O'Hara; John Gummer; the singing nun
(Gummer, as all the others were monks or nuns)
Peter - Michael Portillo; Norman Scott; Jonathan Ross; Patsy Kensit
(Scott,
as all the others were child models)
Ian - Sir Denis Henderson; Paul Henderson; Sir Roy Watts; Sir Peter
Holmes
(Paul Henderson, as he was the only one whose firm had not committed a
crime. He ran Matrix Churchill - the firm acquitted in the arms-to-Iraq
trial - and the Government tried to send him to jail, whereas the others ran
huge companies who had broken the law yet were knighted by the Government.
All three of their companies were Conservative Party donors)
Scores:
Ian & Peter 9; Paul & Douglas 10
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Peter:
TIM, THE IDEAL ROYAL __________
NORMAN KEEPS __________ SAYS PM
SERBIA RULES OUT __________ AS PRESIDENT
LONDON
BUSES TO BE __________ NEXT YEAR
Paul & Douglas:
I'D LOVE __________ SAYS KYLIE
BBC LOSE £60M IN __________
FERGIE __________ IN SEARCH OF A NEW IMAGE
ANNE AND TIM HAVE ALREADY HAD __________
Final Scores: Ian & Peter 11; Paul & Douglas 17
EPISODE
10 (CHRISTMAS SPECIAL):
"Good evening and welcome to our annual retrospective in which the year's
crucial international and political crises are pushed to one side in favour of
the grimy tabloid sex scandals."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th
December 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Stephen
Fry; Paul Merton & Frank
Skinner
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian
& Stephen: The separation of the Prince and Princess of Wales
Paul & Frank: Black Wednesday after the ERM collapse
Ian & Stephen: Labour install John Smith as new leader after
losing the election
Paul & Frank: The failure of the BBC1 soap opera
"Eldorado"
Scores: Ian & Stephen 4; Paul & Frank 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘TOE JOB TO NO JOB’
The
affair between David Mellor and actress Antonia de Sancha
Frank: ‘IT'S PADDY PANTSDOWN’
The
affair between Paddy Ashdown and his former personal assistant Tricia Howard
Stephen: ‘MIA SAID SHE WOULD GOUGE OUT MY EYES’
The
affair between Woody Allen and the adopted daughter of his wife Mia Farrow
Ian: ‘BALDY AND ANDY TALK CASH’
The
affair between the Duchess of York and her financial adviser Johnny Bryan
Scores: Ian & Stephen 8; Paul & Frank 4
ROUND
THREE - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Stephen - the "Newsnight" computerised map makes a mistake
during the American election
Paul & Frank - badge falls off lectern during speech by Dan Quayle
Scores: Ian & Stephen 10; Paul & Frank 8
*This was the final time the Archive round was played as a regular weekly feature.
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Highlight (Prince Charles's polo horse); Desert Orchid; Princess
Anne; Camilla Parker-Bowles
(Desert
Orchid, as all the others annually receive Christmas cards from Charles)
Frank - Noele Gordon; Humphrey Bogart; Lew Grade; Jesus
(Jesus as all the others were born on Christmas Day - scholars claimed that Jesus was actually born on
6th
January)
Stephen - Jesus; Manakin Bhagin; an olive tree; Robert Maxwell
(Jesus,
as all the others are interred on the Mount of Olives)
Ian - Roger the Hamster; Jeremy the Gerbil; Simon the Rabbit; Vinny the
Rat
(Roger, as all the others are using a pseudonym)
Scores: Ian & Stephen 12; Paul & Frank 9
ROUND
FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Frank:
JASON: I DON'T DYE MY HAIR, I USE ___________
I'M NOT GOING BACK TO BLUE PETER SAYS __________
ICKE: MY LOVER ISN'T PREGNANT, SHE IS __________
LAMONT
OFFERS HIS __________ TO GERMANY
Ian & Stephen:
MADONNA IN __________ AT TESCO
THERE'S NO DISGUISING IT, FERGIE'S ON __________ AGAIN!
MELLOR IN __________ FOR FIVE YEARS
PRESSURE
MOUNTS ON MAJOR TO CHANGE __________
Final Scores: Ian & Stephen 12; Paul & Frank 18
SERIES SCORE: Ian 5; Paul 5
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