"Good
evening and welcome back after four months in which, as predicted, we have seen
an economic turnaround, an upturn in business confidence and nationwide
prosperity. Trouble is, it all happened in Finland."
FIRST BROADCAST: 16th April
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jonathan
Ross; Paul Merton & Peter
Cook
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Jonathan: Group 4 allow four prisoners to escape during
first week in operation
Paul & Peter: NUT conference rejects teacher appraisals
Ian & Jonathan: Euro bank spends its Eastern Europe budget on
itself
Paul & Peter: Bill Wyman's son marries Mandy Smith's mother
Scores: Ian & Jonathan 4; Paul & Peter 3
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘POLICE CHIEFS' FURY
OVER LEGO CAR THIEF’
Police
angry at Lego model of joyrider in new urban collection
Peter: ‘THE SWEET SMELL OF SUCCESS IS...C20H240:
Invention
of artificial aromas to entice people into shops
Jonathan: ‘KLINGON LINGO ALL THE RAGE’
American
University teaches the Klingon language
Ian: ‘£1,200 CRUNCH’
Man fined £1,200 for dropping empty crisp packet
Scores:
Ian & Jonathan 7; Paul & Peter 7
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - the Queen; Paul Merton; Jonathan Ross; Nigel Kennedy
(the
Queen, as all the others have been accused of promoting estuary English)
Peter - Peter Mail; Fay Weldon; Salman Rushdie; the Queen
(the
Queen, as all the others have been advertising copywriters)
Jonathan - Lord Grade; Lady Grade; James Gilbey; Jeremy Beadle
(Gilbey,
as all the others own videophones)
Ian - John Birt; Paul McCartney; Bill Clinton; J.Edgar Hoover
(Hoover,
as all the others gave jobs to their wives)
Scores:
Ian & Jonathan 9; Paul & Peter 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Jonathan:
TORY ROW AS MAJOR MAKES DATE WITH __________
OFFENDERS GIVEN __________ UNDER NEW LAW
HEALTH SERVICE FACES PRESSURE TO TEAM UP WITH __________
PRIEST
__________ AT TRIVIAL PURSUIT
Paul & Peter:
COCAINE HAS LEFT MY BRAIN __________ SAYS DAVID BOWIE
__________ PUTS SPARK BACK IN SEX LIFE
BBC PLANS EPIC HUNT FOR __________
TORIES SEEK TO DELAY __________
Final Scores: Ian & Jonathan 11; Paul & Peter 13
"Good evening and welcome to the programme in which the week's major news
stories are distilled into astute observations about people's ear hair."
FIRST BROADCAST: 23rd April
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Chris
Evans; Paul Merton & Fiona
Armstrong
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Chris: Re-trial of LA officers accused in Rodney King case
Paul & Fiona: Italian parliament vote to ditch proportional
representation
Ian & Chris: Government scheme to employ the jobless in Holland
Paul & Fiona: Hollywood to make "Noddy" film
Scores: Ian & Chris 4; Paul & Fiona 3
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘MAN CAME FROM
MUSHROOMS’
Scientists
discover that the nearest living organism to man is the mushroom
Fiona: ‘BAN THESE CEREAL CHILLERS’
Vicar
complains about monster-like toys in cereal packets
Chris: ‘SECRET SHAME OF THE HOVIS BOY’
Boat
boy from 1976 Hovis advert is now prolific criminal
Ian: ‘YOU'LL NEVER BELIEVE WHO'S ON THE LINE’
Telephone developed with built-in lie detector
Scores: Ian & Chris 8; Paul & Fiona 7
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Alistair Burnet; Nicholas Fairbairn; the Pope; Carl Watkins of
Redditch
(the
Pope, as all the others had been found face down on a pavement - Mr Watkins had
been jailed that week for having sex with one)
Fiona - James Hunt; Geoff Capes; Jason Donovan; Beaky, the Queen's stud
budgie
(Donovan,
as all the others are keen budgie fanciers)
Chris - Paul Gascoigne; Fiona Armstrong; Kenneth Tynan; Jools Holland
(Armstrong, as all the others have used the F-word on television)
Ian - Henry VIII; Robes Peer; Douglas Hurd; Tony Benn
(Peer,
as all the others changed the law to suit their own needs)
Scores: Ian & Chris 11; Paul & Fiona 9
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Fiona:
FERGIE KIDDIES FLEE THE SCARY __________
GROUP 4 WANT TO RUN __________
TORIES AND LIB DEMS EXCHANGE __________
POLICE EXPECT HUGE JAMS AS __________
AUTHORITY
TEST THE IDEA OF __________ RADIO 1
Ian & Chris:
PATTEN TURNS __________ ON GOVERNORS
WILLS KILLS HIS FIRST __________
CHOCOLATE CABBAGE FAILS __________
GUMMER SHARES IN WIDDECOMBE'S __________
DIANA'S __________ PUT ON BONFIRE
Final Scores: Ian & Chris 15; Paul & Fiona 17
"Good evening and welcome to the programme in which we boldly empty the
nose of news into the handkerchief of satire."
FIRST BROADCAST: 30th April
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Frank
Skinner; Paul Merton
& Richard
Littlejohn
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Frank: Government announces the end of the recession
Paul & Richard: Speculation over Brian Clough's drinking habits
Ian & Frank: Referendum in Russia
Paul & Richard: Martyn Lewis pleads for more good news in
bulletins
Scores: Ian & Frank 4; Paul & Richard 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘PLANTS THAT SPEAK VOLUMES’
Scientists
discover that plants can communicate with each other
Richard: ‘DI BITES THE BULLET’
Princess
Diana gives a speech about bulimia
Frank: ‘RADIO GA-GA! ‘
The
launch of Virgin Radio
Ian: ‘STING ACCUSES TRIBESMEN’
Tribesmen accused by Sting of selling off bits of the rainforest
Scores: Ian & Frank 8; Paul & Richard 8
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Shirley McLaine; the Dalai Lama; David Icke; Franz Beckenbauer
(the
Dalai Lama, as all the others believe they were other people in past lives)
Richard - Ken Livingstone; Lord Lichfield; Simon Perry; Thora Hird
(Perry,
as all the others have advertised cheese)
Frank - Bill Clinton; Jerry Hall; Amanda de Cadanet; Troy Tempest
(Tempest,
as all the others named their daughters after places)
Ian - Dr Crippen; Hannibal Lecter; Richard Littlejohn; Derek Hatton
(Hatton,
as all the others have a history of violent crime)
Scores: Ian & Frank 10; Paul & Richard 12
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Frank:
LAMONT SAYS 'THINK __________'
QUEEN OBJECTS TO __________ NEAR BUCKINGHAM PALACE
BBC TO SEEK PARTNERS FOR __________
HURD'S
__________ SHAMEFUL, SAYS TEBBIT
Paul & Richard:
YELTSIN SCORES ___________
IMF THROWS __________ OVER CHANCELLOR
GROUP 4 FIND __________ IMPOSSIBLE
FISH
__________ IN SPACE
*This was the first time less than five headlines were used in this round.
Final Scores: Ian & Frank 17; Paul & Richard 15
EPISODE
4:
"Good evening and welcome to the programme that treats everyone like
Royalty, unless of course they're members of the Royal Family."
FIRST BROADCAST: 7th May
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Caroline
Quentin; Paul Merton
& Baz
Bamigboye
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Caroline: Buckingham
Palace to be opened to the public
Paul & Baz: Row over proposed abolition of May Day in favour of
Trafalgar Day
Ian & Caroline: Tycoon Asil Nadir jumps bail and flees the
country while facing fraud charges
Paul & Baz: East German spy on trial in the West
Scores:
Ian & Caroline 4; Paul & Baz 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘ALL THE VICE GIRLS
LOVE AN ABSEILER’
Prostitutes
in Cardiff sent on adventure holiday
Baz: ‘DOG GETS A £60M LEAD’
Owner
leaves Alsatian a fortune in her will
Caroline: ‘EC SAUCE!’
All
by the EC to ban smutty postcards
Ian: ‘IS THE PORRIDGE TO YOUR SATISFACTION?’
Survey
asking prisoners about conditions in Britain's jails
Scores: Ian & Caroline 8; Paul & Baz 8
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Sinead O'Connor; Pinhead from "Hellraiser"; Prince
Albert; the head of Grange Comprehensive in Bournemouth
(the
head, as all the others have had some part of their anatomy pierced - he
famously banned male pupils from wearing earrings)
Baz - Brigitte Bardot; Jane Seymour; Monica Seles; King Tutenkhamun
(Tutenkhamun, as all the others have suffered the "Hello!" magazine
curse)
Caroline - Margaret Thatcher; Ross Perot; Imogen Stubbs; Roy Disney
(Stubbs,
as all the others hate beards)
Ian - Stella Rimington; Peter Imbut; John Gummer; Richard Needham
(Gummer,
as all the others have had major security gaffes)
Scores: Ian & Caroline 12; Paul & Baz 11
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Baz:
OVATION AS THE QUEEN SAVAGES __________
__________'S UP, MR MAJOR
12M BRITONS SHOW SIGNS OF __________
MAN
WHO DRESSED CHER ADMITS __________
Ian & Caroline:
__________ ISSUED TO LAWYERS
BRANSON IS A MODEL FOR __________
PRINCESS ENDORSES __________
DINOSAUR SETTLES __________
Final Scores: Ian & Caroline 16; Paul & Baz 17
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