EPISODE
5:
"Good evening and welcome to the programme that takes the whoopee cushion
of satire and places it under the bottom of current affairs, as the Times
Literary Supplement put it."
FIRST BROADCAST: 14th May
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Meera
Syal; Paul Merton & Amanda
Platell
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Meera: Conservatives slaughtered in local elections
Paul & Amanda: More tapes of a conversation had by Diana
Ian & Meera: International Whaling Commission discuss lifting
whaling ban
Paul & Amanda: EC wants cucumbers to be straighter
Scores: Ian & Meera 4; Paul & Amanda 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘VEGAN SPOON RACE’
Vegans
call for ban on school egg-and-spoon races as they are cruel to hens
Amanda: ‘TROOPS ARMED WITH HONEY TAKE OUT A BIG MAC’
Bear
rescued by British troops in Bosnia
Meera: ‘CRAZY FOR THE COUNT’
Raine
Spencer gets engaged to a skint French count
Ian: ‘BOTTOMLEY GOES SHOPPING TO TESCO'S’
Government gets Tesco to build new rural hospitals
Scores: Ian & Meera 8; Paul & Amanda 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Bill Clinton; Marilyn Monroe; J.
Edgar Hoover; President Kruschev
(Monroe, as all the others shook hands with JFK)
Amanda - Norman Fowler; Lord Walker; Adam Smith; Norman Tebbit
(Smith,
as all the others privatised utilities before taking well-paid jobs with them)
Meera - Gyles Brandreth; Batman; Princess Michael; Martyn Lewis
(Batman,
as all the others are cat lovers)
Ian - Nigel Short; Lord Hollick; Britain Plastics Ltd.; the
Czechoslovakian football team
(Short, as all the others have been paid in non-monetary ways)
Scores:
Ian & Meera 12; Paul & Amanda 11
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Amanda:
DRUGS USE ADMITTED BY 1 IN 3 __________
BIRT JOINS __________ AT LAST
__________ IS 'MR WOBBLY'
PM REFUSES THATCHER'S DEMAND FOR __________
Ian & Meera:
GROUP 4 RESCUES __________
CONSERVATIVES LICK __________
LONELY MADONNA WANTS __________
DANGERS OF __________ THE __________ BY PRINCESS DIANA
Final Scores: Ian & Meera 17; Paul & Amanda 21
"Good evening and welcome to the programme that suddenly this week respects
the sanctity of people's private lives and instead finds unexpected fascination
in the riveting world of international politics."
FIRST BROADCAST: 21st May
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Mark
Thomas; Paul Merton &
Sir
David Steel MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Mark: Rebecca Stephens become first British woman to climb
Everest
Paul & David: Police officers acquitted of falsifying evidence
against Guildford Four
Ian & Mark: Riots after Denmark rejects the Maastricht treaty
Paul & David: Alan Sugar ditches Terry Venables from Tottenham
Hotspur
Scores:
Ian & Mark 4; Paul & David 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘GASMAN RON OF READING TO
BE KING‘
Gas
engineer summoned to become king of an African state
David: ‘JIBE AT BRITISH SNAIL’
French
president ridicules British end of the Chunnel
Mark: ‘PRISONER'S CHICKEN FANTASY’
Rugged
convict thinks he is a chicken
Ian: ‘DAYLIGHT SNOBBERY’
William Rees-Mogg says Major is unsuitable to be PM as he is not from the right background
Scores: Ian & Mark 6; Paul & David 10
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Bernard Matthews; Toby Jessel's grandmother Nellie; Paul Keating;
Simon the Turkey
(Simon,
as all the others farm animals)
David - Nicholas Fairbairn; Teresa Gorman; Whoppa the Poodle; Vivienne
Westwood
(Whoppa,
as all the others make their own clothes)
Mark - Grace Jones; Pamella Bordes; Adam (as in Eve); Edward Scissorhands
(Adam, as all the others were famous for destroying clothing)
Ian - Michael Winner; Sharon Stone; Edwin Terblanche; Frank Warren
(Stone, as all the others were let down in public by their underpants)
Scores: Ian & Mark 9; Paul & David 12
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Mark:
MAXWELL'S WIDOW DEMANDS __________
REAGAN'S __________ DREAM IS OVER
PORTILLO BID TO CHARGE __________ FOR DRUGS
I'M __________ BOASTS LAMONT
VENABLES
TO KEEP __________
Paul & David:
THE QUEEN REPELS __________
PROSTITUTION IS BECOMING __________ SAYS LABOUR MP
CLARKE SAYS: I WANT TO BE __________
GERMANS BUY RIGHTS TO __________
WELSH
READERS FAVOUR SAFE SEX BETWEEN __________
Final Scores: Ian & Mark 18; Paul & David 20
"Good evening and welcome to the programme that is to news what McDonald's
is to a balanced diet."
FIRST BROADCAST: 28th May
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alan
Coren; Paul Merton & John
Simpson
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Alan: The Cabinet reshuffle, including the resignation as
Chancellor of Norman Lamont
Paul & John: Aircraft in Los Angeles delayed while Bill Clinton
has a haircut on a plane
Ian & Alan: Police officers permitted to join the masons
Paul & John: Round the world yacht race in which Group 4 came
second
Scores: Ian & Alan 4; Paul & John 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘WHAT'S GOING ON EAR THEN?’
Man's
severed ear goes off in a police fridge
John: ‘SIX OF THE BEST’
Sextuplets
born to a couple who weren't together
Alan: ‘HAVE YOU GONE M'LUD?’
Judge
jails man who wolf-whistled a juror from the public gallery
Ian: ‘MAXWELL TO FACE THE MUSIC’
Musical planned on the life and death of Robert Maxwell
Scores:
Ian & Alan 8; Paul & John 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Ludovic Kennedy; Alan Clark; Katie Boyle; Basil Brush
(Kennedy,
as all the others have spoken out against fox-hunting)
John - Norman Scwarzkopf; Henry Fonda; Abraham Lincoln; Margaret Thatcher
(Lincoln, as all the others recorded the Gettysburg address)
Alan - Peregrine
Worsthorne; Cary Grant; John Simpson; Colin Angus
(Worsthorne, as all the others have taken hallucinogenic drugs)
Ian - David Mellor; Antonia de Sancha; Margaret Thatcher; the BBC
(de Sancha, as all the others hired Tim Bell to improve their PR)
Scores:
Ian & Alan 15; Paul & John 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & John:
MAJOR LOSES __________ IN SHUFFLE ROW
WE'RE BORING ADMITS __________
DRIVERS MAY HAVE TO __________ TO USE MOTORWAYS
__________
SOUGHT FOR PALACE LOO
Ian & Alan:
WEEKEND __________ BACKED BY LABOUR
PRIESTS TOLD THEY CANNOT __________
BELEAGUERED LAMONT REVEALS __________
DIANA LEARNS TO TALK __________
Final Scores: Ian & Alan 18; Paul & John 11
"Good evening and welcome to the last in this present series and with it
excitingly poised at five games to two to Paul, Ian has only to win tonight to
achieve a vital five-three defeat."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th June
1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tony
Slattery; Paul Merton
& Tub
of Lard
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Tony: Revelation that Ulster minister Michael Mates was
friends with escaped fugitive Asil Nadir
Paul & Tub of Lard: Hippie convoy blocks the M5
Ian & Tony: Numerous Conservative MPs wiped out by Lloyd's
losses
Paul & Tub of Lard: Immigration levels criticised by
Conservative MP
Scores: Ian & Tony 4; Paul &
Tub of Lard 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘JUST HOLDING HANDS WASN'T
ENOUGH FOR JACKIE’
Demise
of girls' magazine Jackie due to lack of real life issues
Tub of Lard: ‘SEX, BEER AND NEAT MOUSTACHES SOLVE RIDDLE OF THE PYRAMIDS’
Discovery
that the pyramids were built by professional constructors, not slaves
Tony: ‘SCORE FOR TEAM THEN SCORE WITH MY MISSUS’
Football
coach promises sexual favours from his wife in return for good performances
Ian: ‘JUST THE TICKET FOR REVENGE’
Man kidnaps Hoover van after they fail to send him some promised free airline tickets
Scores: Ian & Tony 8; Paul & Tub of Lard 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - David Frost; Virginia Wade; the Bishop of Galway; Roy Hattersley
(the
Bishop, as all the others are children of clergymen)
Tub of Lard - Princess Diana; Cilla Black; Barry Manilow; Pinocchio
(Manilow, as all the others have had nose jobs)
Tony - the Queen; Cynthia Payne; Madonna; Lord Bath
(Madonna,
as all the others have opened their houses to the public)
Ian - Saddam Hussein; Pol Pot; Deng Xiaoping; Alija Izetbegovic
(Izetbegovic, as all the others have been sold arms by the Government.
Izetbegovic was the president of Bosnia, yet the Government felt it morally
wrong to sell him weapons)
Scores: Ian & Tony 10; Paul & Tub of Lard 14
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Tony:
MAJOR EASES __________
DIANA TELLS OF PAIN CAUSED BY __________
MARY ARCHER SAVES __________
TOP JUDGES FACE HUGE BILLS OVER __________
LAMONT
READY TO RATTLE __________ AT MAJOR
Paul & Tub of Lard:
M.CLINTON S'APPRETERAIT A CHANGER DE __________
DIE BANK VON ENGLAND GIBT GROβE __________*
*The
letters in the Russian or Japanese alphabets, meaning we can't reproduce the
next two headlines, while the fifth and final headline was COMPLETELY blanked
out.
Final
Scores: Ian & Tony 16; Paul & Tub of Lard 20
SERIES
SCORE: Ian 2; Paul 6
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