EPISODE 1 (Margaret Thatcher special):

"Good evening and welcome to something of a first for television, a programme dedicated to the life and work of Mrs Margaret Thatcher, who many of you may not have noticed has got a book out at the moment."

FIRST BROADCAST: 29th October 1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Derek Hatton; Paul Merton & Edwina Currie MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Derek:   The miners' strike of 1984

Paul & Edwina:   The Falklands War of 1982

Ian & Derek:   Victory in the 1979 General Election

Paul & Edwina:   Resignation as Tory leader and Prime Minister in 1990

Scores: Ian & Derek 4; Paul & Edwina 4

ROUND TWO - QUITOMETER:

Paul - Norman Tebbit, quit in 1987 over abrasive electioneering

Edwina - Sir Geoffrey Howe, quit in 1990 over victimisation

Derek - Cecil Parkinson, quit in 1983 over fathering a lovechild

Ian - Nigel Lawson, quit in 1989 over clash of personalities

Scores: Ian & Derek 9; Paul & Edwina 7

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - John Stalker; Margaret Thatcher; Ray Reardon; Dave Dee

(Thatcher, as all the others were police officers)

Edwina - Margaret Thatcher; Frankenstein; Eamonn Andrews; Bruce Forsyth

(Frankenstein, as all the others took advice from image consultant Gordon Rees)

Derek - Mark Thatcher; Carol Thatcher; Margaret Thatcher; Denis Thatcher
(Denis, as all the others were present at the birth of Carol Thatcher)

Ian - the Pope; Humphrey (Thatcher's teddy bear); Roy Castle; Oxford University

(Humphrey, as all the others snubbed her)

Scores: Ian & Derek 12; Paul & Edwina 8

ROUND FOUR - WHAT IS SHE TALKING ABOUT?

Paul & Edwina:

"Well they hurt.  They'd hurt anyone who had them" - critics;

"Beautiful - the purity of their whiteness" - snowdrops;

"It's an absurd charge" - the claim that her Government was running down the NHS;

"I hope so" - her answer when asked if she was passionate.

Ian & Derek:

"Oh, I think I must have an enormous number" - faults;
"They're tiresome, and they're nine to one" - the Common Market;

"Quite often I send them back because I think they're not well-balanced" - meals at Chequers;

"I've had it every Tuesday and Thursday for four years" - Prime Minister's Question Time.

Final Scores: Ian & Derek 18; Paul & Edwina 12

*Ian & Derek received a dust jacket of Thatcher's memoirs as a prize.  The publishers refused to send a copy of the book.

EPISODE 2:

"Good evening and welcome to the second programme in this series and a unique occasion in the history of this show as Ian Hislop is in the lead."

FIRST BROADCAST: 5th November 1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Tony Hawks; Paul Merton & Roy Hattersley MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Tony:   Judge throws out RSI damages claims

Paul & Roy:   Pay rise for MPs

Ian & Tony:   Government bill to privatise the railways

Paul & Roy:   Estranged fathers made to pay more to cover absentees

Scores: Ian & Tony 4; Paul & Roy 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  ‘SOBERING NEWS FOR HAMSTERS’

Herb which immediately sobers up the inebriated is tested on hamsters

Roy: ‘THIEVES WHO PUT SPOKE IN WHEELS’

Free bicycles left around Cambridge to stop thieves stealing other people's

Tony:  ‘PREMATURE EJECTION’

American pilot accidentally pressed the ejector button while urinating

Ian:  ‘SADDAM SMEARS CHARLES’

Saddam criticises Prince Charles' adultery

Scores: Ian & Tony 8; Paul & Roy 7

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Mikhail Gorbachev; Robert de Niro; Steven Norris; Boy George

(Norris, as all the others have been accused of fathering a love child)

Roy - Lord Renton; Lord Buckethead; Oliver Cromwell; John Major

(Buckethead, as all the others have been MP for Huntingdon)

Tony - Claire Rayner; Francois the Fish; Sammy Davis Jr; Gordon Banks
(Rayner, as all the others wear glass eyes)

Ian - Edward Heath; Lloyd George; Harold Wilson; John Major

(Heath, as all the others received damages over allegations that they had a mistress)

Scores: Ian & Tony 9; Paul & Roy 15

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: WILD ABOUT ANIMALS

Ian & Tony:

LAMONT HAS NEW ___________

__________ DELAYED UNTIL 2005
DIANA WANTS A __________

QUEENS MOVE IN ON __________

MAJOR PROMISES FRESH __________

Paul & Roy:

DISUSED POWER STATION BY THE THAMES COULD BE TURNED INTO __________

__________ TEND TO HAVE DIFFERENT BILLS

WINNER: YES I'VE FOUND __________

RIFKIND FENDS OFF __________

I'LL TAKE EDWARD UP THE __________

*This was the first time a Missing Words round featured a guest publication.

Final Scores: Ian & Tony 13; Paul & Roy 21

EPISODE 3:

"Good evening and welcome to another edition of 'Have I Got News For You' or as Videoplus users fondly know it, '82152'."

FIRST BROADCAST: 12th November 1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alexei Sayle; Paul Merton & Gerald Kaufman MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Alexei:   Gymnasium photos of Princess Diana

Paul & Gerald:   Clinton warns Korea not to carry out nuclear testing

Ian & Alexei:   Government overspends its hospitality budget

Paul & Gerald:   The Kinnocks are refused VIP treatment at M&S

Scores: Ian & Alexei 3; Paul & Alexei 5

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul: ‘REF LICKS THEM TO SEE IF THEY'VE BEEN ON ALE’

Snail racing referee forced to lick competitors after alcohol doping scandal

Gerald:  ‘BLEAK THRILLS AT STASIWORLD’

German theme park opened with empty shops and rude staff

Alexei: ‘PRINCE TRIES TV’

Prince Edward sets up his own TV company

Ian:  ‘WELCOME TO THE BLACKBALL CLUB’

Jeremy Paxman is turned down for membership of the Garrick Club

Scores: Ian & Alexei 9; Paul & Gerald 7

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Whoopi Goldberg; the Mars Observer; Stephen Hawking; a Kling-On

(The Observer, as all the others have appeared in Star Trek)

Gerald - Garry Bushell; John Major; Clive Sinclair; Jimmy Savile

(Major, as all the others are members of MENSA)

Alexei - John McGregor; Muhammad Ali; Prince Charles; Debbie McGee

(Ali, as all the others are members of the Magic Circle)

Ian - Ronald Reagan; John Major; Phillip Schofield; Asil Nadir

(Major, as all the others have dyed their hair black)

Scores: Ian & Alexei 12; Paul & Gerald 8

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: FRESH PRODUCE JOURNAL

Paul & Gerald:

MAJOR PUSHES __________

ANNE DIAMOND RAPS __________
APPEAL FOR __________ REFORM

GIRLS ARE STRIPPED IN POLICE HUNT FOR __________

Ian & Alexei:

FERGIE WILL GET __________ SAYS SISTER

GLOOM ON __________
MAJOR GIVES __________ TO CABINET

__________ MUST COME FIRST, SAYS HOWARD

Final Scores: Ian & Alexei 13; Paul & Gerald 17

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and welcome to the programme that does for comedy..."

FIRST BROADCAST: 19th November 1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jo Brand; Paul Merton & Frank Bough

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Jo:   Michael Jackson gets drug treatment in Britain

Paul & Frank:   England fail to qualify for the World Cup

Ian & Jo:   Government says fat people are unfit

Paul & Frank:   Woman in Kiev predicts the end of the world

Scores: Ian & Jo 4; Paul & Frank 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  ‘HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR SOO!’

Sooty's panda girlfriend Soo is to get pregnant

Frank:  ‘BURGLARS 6, SOCCER MAN 0’

Radio football commentator's home burgled constantly while he is on air

Jo: ‘A NIGHT TO DISMEMBER’

Woman in the US cuts off her adulterous husband's penis

Ian: ‘THE SKY FALLS IN ON WAYNE'S WORLD’

Technician thinks Queen Mother is dead after reading prepared obituary and calls his mother in Australia who tells her local radio station

Scores: Ian & Jo 8; Paul & Frank 8

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Sir Charles Powell; General Colin Powell; Nicolai Caeucescu; Bob Geldof

(Sir Charles, as all the others are also knights but can't be called 'sir')

Frank - Peregrine Worsthorne; Curtis Sleawa; Bernard Ingham; Shaw Taylor
(Taylor, as all the others have taken the law into their own hands on the Tube)

Jo - Margaret Thatcher; Christina; Sue Lawley; Jane Clark

(Lawley, as all the others were fancied by Alan Clark)

Ian - Paul Merton; Bunny Berrigan; the Marlboro Man; Mr Porky

(Merton, as all the others advertised products which led to their deaths)

Scores: Ian & Jo 13; Paul & Frank 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: WELDING & METAL FABRICATION MONTHLY

Paul & Frank:

__________HOTLINE ESTABLISHED IN AUSTRALIA

NEW BRITISH NATIONAL __________ SHOW ANNOUNCED

I'M GOING __________ SAYS THE PREMIER
JUDGES GET __________

Ian & Jo:

JACKSON TO STAY __________ FOR SIX WEEKS

PRESSURE ON CLARKE TO CUT __________

 __________ IN __________

IT'S VITAL TO __________ SAYS DI

Final Scores: Ian & Jo 16; Paul & Frank 20

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