EPISODE 1:

"Good evening and welcome to the seventh series of 'Have I Got News For You', a programme now so popular that unauthorised spin-off products are appearing everywhere, as this advert in the funeral director magazine demonstrates." (picture shown of a coffin called the 'Merton')

FIRST BROADCAST: 22nd April 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jonathan Ross; Paul Merton & Eddie Izzard

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Jonathan:   Plans to celebrate the 50th anniversary of D-Day

Paul & Eddie:   NHS turns down patients who are too old

Ian & Jonathan:   Brian Lara breaks Test innings record

Paul & Eddie:   Radioactive waste deforms fish

Scores: Ian & Jonathan 4; Paul & Eddie 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  ‘THIEF TAKES A SHINE TO VICTIMS' CARS’

Car thief who repaired and cleaned cars before returning them is jailed

Eddie:  'OUR LOVE HAS THE SCENT OF NEW MOWN GRASS AND LILIES.  .  .  NOT MANY PEOPLE ARE LUCKY ENOUGH TO HAVE KNOWN LOVE LIKE THIS'

Letters exchanged between Princess Margaret and an old flame are discovered

Jonathan:  ‘TAX BREAK FOR BUSTY DANCER AFTER US JUDGE SIZES UP HER ASSETS’

Stripper successfully claims tax expenses on her breast enlargement surgery

Ian:  ‘THUGS' FREE TRIP TO SEE MOVIE’

Young offenders taken to see Reservoir Dogs as preventative therapy

Scores: Ian & Jonathan 8; Paul & Jonathan 9

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - David Ashby; Noddy; Sister Wendy; Ernie Wise

(Wendy, as all the others have shared a bed with a man)

Eddie - an orange; a banana; a raisin; a durian

(the durian, as all the others are surnames of political leaders)

Jonathan - Elvis Presley; the Krankies; Ming the Merciless - Emperor of Mongo; Perez de Cuellar

(Ming, as all the others claim to have had contact with aliens)

Ian - Margaret Thatcher; Leon Trotsky; John Major; Barbara Cartland

(Major, as all the others have devised a political philosophy)

Scores: Ian & Jonathan 10; Paul & Eddie 15

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: ARTHRITIS NEWS

Ian & Jonathan:

SOBER SCOTS TURN __________

MAJOR SET TO __________ FOR BOTTOMLEY

NORTHERN IRELAND WELCOMES __________

__________ COULD BE STICKY FOR CHARLES

Paul & Eddie:

BRITAIN HAS MORE __________ THAN PEOPLE

PRINCESS ANNE MAKES __________

LOYAL ARCHER TO GET __________

CABINET RIVALS __________ ON MAJOR

Final Scores: Ian & Jonathan 15; Paul & Eddie 21

EPISODE 2:

FIRST BROADCAST: 30th April 1994

TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Kathy Lette; Paul Merton & Caroline Quentin

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Kathy:   First free elections in South Africa

Paul & Caroline:   American teenager caned in Singapore for crime

Ian & Kathy:   Request by NATO to launch air strikes in Yugoslav conflict

Paul & Caroline:   Prince Charles' dog Pooh goes missing

Scores: Ian & Kathy 4; Paul & Caroline 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul:  ‘CHEEP VICTORY’

Man takes neighbour to court over loud budgerigar

Caroline:  ‘SNIPNOSIS’

Man has vasectomy operation under hypnosis

Kathy:  ‘DEVIL GETS ACQUITTED’ 

Social workers take priest to task in inquiry over so-called 'satanic' items

Ian:  ‘'COWARDS' RAP FOR BBC CHIEFS’

Beeb accused of cowardice over pulling a Panorama documentary about Westminster Council

Scores: Ian & Kathy 8; Paul & Caroline 8

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Mrs Jacqueline Greaves of Lowton, Cheshire; Mr Chabita Islam of St Michael's Square, Gloucester; the Mirror Group pensioners; Nancy Kerrigan
(the pensioners, as all the others have profited from misfortune)

Caroline - Princess Diana; Jane Seymour; Prof John Catford; Lizzie Power
(Seymour, as all the others work for Relate)

Kathy - Imelda Marcos; Marla Maples; the Pope; the old woman who lived in the shoe

(the old woman, as all the others have large shoe collections)

Ian - Eurotunnel director Christopher Garnett; Taylforth solicitor William Garnett; Alf Garnett; Virginia Bottomley

(Alf, as all the others are members of the same family)

Scores: Ian & Kathy 13; Paul & Caroline 11

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: HAIRDRESSERS JOURNAL INTERNATIONAL

Paul & Caroline:

__________ PACKS OUT WEMBLEY

BACK TO BASICS __________
EVERYBODY'S MISERABLE EXCEPT US SAY __________

SMITH GOES IN SEARCH OF __________

Ian & Kathy:

HOWARD OPENS __________

BBC DIVERTS £75M INTO __________
JUDGE GRABS LAGER FROM __________

MPS FALL UNDER __________

Final Scores: Ian & Kathy 21; Paul & Caroline 14

EPISODE 3:

"Good evening and welcome to the programme of which John Major has said 'I wish they wouldn't introduce their programme with fictitious quotes from me'."

FIRST BROADCAST: 7th May 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Bob Monkhouse; Paul Merton & Francis Wheen

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Bob:   Argument over the ECU

Paul & Francis:   Bill Clinton accused of sexual harassment by Paula Jones

Ian & Bob:   Status Quo refuse to play charity concert for Princess Diana

Paul & Francis:   Russian air force put on a show after end of Cold War

Scores: Ian & Bob 4; Paul & Francis 2

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul: ‘I WAS CHAINED UP LIKE AN ANIMAL’

Woman prisoner handcuffed as she gives birth

Francis:  ‘GORILLA TACTICS FOR ANIMAL SMUGGLERS’

Smugglers caught after buying a spy in a gorilla suit

Bob:  ‘SOAP WARS’

Proctor & Gamble claim rival Persil powder rots clothes

Ian:  ‘MELLOR HIT BY PUNCH-LINE’

David Mellor attacked by studio audience member after TV debate on violence

Scores: Ian & Bob 8; Paul & Francis 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Eric von Stroheim; George Eliot; Mayor Barry of Washington; John Wayne

(von Stroheim, as all the others boast the real first name of Marion)

Francis - Edith Piaf; Frank Sinatra; Norman Lamont; Teresa Gorman

(Sinatra, as all the others have sung 'Je Ne Regrette Rien')

Bob - Queen Victoria; Sigmund Freud; Diego Maradona; Princess Margaret
(Margaret, as all the others have taken cocaine)

Ian - Lord Baden Powell; Lady Buck; James Rusbridger; Daniel Defoe

(Buck, as all the others worked in intelligence)

Scores: Ian & Bob 12; Paul & Francis 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: POTATO REVIEW

Paul & Francis:

CLINTON'S GOT TO GET __________ SAYS HIS AMBASSADOR

IRAN TRIED TO HIRE __________

THE BANK THAT LIKES TO SAY YES TO __________
PATTEN IS DEMANDING __________ IN SEX LESSONS

Ian & Bob:

__________ IS SHAKEN BY PORTILLO

__________ THREAT TO MALE FERTILITY

DI FLIES TO SPAIN FOR __________

LET US __________, SEX-CHANGE COUPLE ASK THE QUEEN

Final Scores: Ian & Bob 16; Paul & Francis 24

EPISODE 4:

"Good evening and welcome to the show which has made its participants household names across the country as this cutting from the Lichfield Mercury proves conclusively." (picture of the trio shown with the caption 'Bruce Willis and Sarah Jessica Parker in 'Striking Distance')

FIRST BROADCAST: 14th May 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jack Dee; Paul Merton & Tony Hawks

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Jack:   Government introduces national curriculum in schools

Paul & Tony:   The inauguration of the Channel Tunnel

Ian & Jack:   Chief whip resigns after gay scandal

Paul & Tony:   Richard Gere and Cindy Crawford take out full page ad in the Times to declare they are happily married

Scores: Ian & Jack 4; Paul & Tony 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul: ‘WHY PAU'S PIGEONS ARE REALLY FLYING HIGH’

Pigeon fancier feeds cannabis to his birds to increase their stamina

Tony:  ‘...AND WE ALL KNOW WHERE SOPHIE'S BEEN’

Prince Edward complains to the PCC about intrusions into his private life

Jack:  ‘BAA-D DAY FOR ARTIST’

Vandals pour ink over Damien Hirst's formaldehyde-pickled sheep artwork

Ian:  ‘DAUGHTER JOINS ATTACK ON MINISTER’

Disabled rights campaigner daughter of social services minister criticises him for stopping a bill

Scores: Ian & Jack 8; Paul & Tony 8

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Margaret Thatcher; Norma Major; John Major; the next Prime Minister of Great Britain

(Norma, as all the others were entitled to wear a state necklace - the shadow figure representing the next PM was wearing a chain)

Tony - Jimmy Savile; Germaine Greer; Sister Wendy; Spud the Traveller
(Greer, as all the others live in caravans)

Jack - Alan Clark; Princess Diana; Richard the Lifeboatman; Mr Roberts of the AA

(Richard, as all the others have helped motorists in distress)

Ian - Malaysian prime minister Dr Mahathir; Margaret Thatcher; the Malaysian go-between; a Spam fritter; David Mellor; Ian McGregor; a half-empty Canary Wharf; Ernest Saunders; Terry Venables; John Birt; Chilean fascist Herman Bushi; Mark Thatcher; the Pope

(the Pope, as all the others hired Tim Bell to improve their public image)

Scores: Ian & Jack 14; Paul & Tony 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: PLASTICS & RUBBER WEEKLY

Paul & Tony:

CLINTON LIKELY TO NEED __________

SHORT PEOPLE MORE LIKELY TO __________

MANDELA WINS __________

COURT REJECT __________ SMEARS

Ian & Jack:

BISHOPS __________ IN ATTEMPT TO PREVENT SPLIT

BISHOPS MEET IN SECRET TO __________

NUNS DEMAND __________ BUT STOP SHORT OF __________
HEATH ATTACKS __________

Final Scores: Ian & Jack 17; Paul & Tony 16

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