"Good evening and welcome to the halfway stage in our series with Ian and Paul neck and neck and Ian reckoning he has an excellent chance of snatching victory in the second half, much as Chelsea did at Wembley last week."
FIRST BROADCAST: 21st May 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Hugh
Dennis; Paul Merton &
John
Stalker
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Hugh: Bones of the oldest man in Europe found
Paul & John: British police allowed to carry guns
Ian & Hugh: Headlines battle between Prince Charles and Princess
Diana
Paul & John: Thieves set up fake cashpoint to access bank accounts
Scores: Ian & Hugh 4; Paul & John 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘PERSONNEL OFFICERS ARE A
WASTE OF TIME’
Study
shows that companies who employ personnel officers perform worse
John: ‘VE HAVE VAYS OF MAKING YOU
KIP’
Austrian
hotelier has archaic house rules
Hugh: ‘CRAZY LOOPHOLE MUST BE
CLOSED’
Law
loophole allows criminally insane people to stay free if they escape for 28 days
Ian: ‘TOM'S WILL GIVES TOFFS THE
GYP’
Farmer
gets revenge on neighbours who spurned him by leaving his land to New Age
travellers and gypsies
Scores: Ian & Hugh 8; Paul & John 7
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Princess Margaret; previous Princess Margaret; Princess Alexandra,
Patricia Klugi
(Margaret,
as all the others have been 'linked' with Prince Philip)
John - Madonna; Mick Jagger; Chief Raoni; Lynne Perrie
(Jagger,
as all the others have had lip surgery)
Hugh - the Queen; Jesus; Prince Charles; the paramount chief of Lao
(Charles, as all the others have Fijian public holidays in honour of their
birthdays)
Ian - Ronnie Knight; Fred West; the Birmingham Six detectives; Nicholas
Lyell
(Lyell,
as all the others have claimed they would never get a fair trial)
Scores: Ian & Hugh 13; Paul & John 10
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ELECTRICAL REVIEW
Paul & John:
GLADIATORS ROCKED BY __________
CHURCH MAY BE FORCED TO SELL __________
PALESTINIAN POLICE MOVE __________
CHINA
SLAPS OFFICIAL HEALTH WARNING ON __________
Ian & Hugh:
__________ POSE A HAZARD TO HEALTH
PORCUPINES POINT THE WAY TO __________
__________ THREATENS RURAL CALM
____________
TO BE STEPPED UP
Final Scores: Ian & Hugh 19; Paul & John 17
"Good evening and welcome to one of the few BBC shows which thanks to the
management helping out in certain technical areas has remained unaffected by
strike action." (clips shown of Paul upside down and Ian lopsided).
FIRST BROADCAST: 28th May 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Maureen
Lipman; Paul Merton &
Sir
Rhodes Boyson MP
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Maureen: Candidates for the Labour Party leadership
Paul & Rhodes: Outrage over BBC giving £75 to newly-wed gay and
straight couples
Ian & Maureen: Immigrants who can invest £1m to British
industry will be allowed in
Paul & Rhodes: The lottery franchise is awarded to Camelot
Scores: Ian & Maureen 5; Paul & Rhodes 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘POSTMAN PORN’
Postman
gets revenge by delivering pornography through the doors of people who have
fierce dogs
Rhodes: ‘OXFORD PLANS TO KEEP
OVERSEAS STUDENTS IN LINE’
Course
in queuing for foreign students at Oxford
Maureen: ‘THE WOAD TO STARDOM’
Fergie
offered film role as Boadicea
Ian: ‘WHISKY ON THE ROCKS’
Chris
Patten's dog bites someone which is punishable by death, on the authority of the
Hong Kong governor - Chris Patten
Scores: Ian & Maureen 9; Paul & Rhodes 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - John Major; Margaret Thatcher; Geoffrey Crust of Lincolnshire;
Patrick James of Bishop Stortford
(James,
as all the others are distantly related)
Rhodes - Peter Sissons; Jonathan Dimbleby; Michael Eavis; the village of
Dorney, Buckinghamshire
(Eavis,
as all the others are NIMBY protestors)
Maureen - Paul Gascoigne; the Kray twins; Winnie the Pooh; Hartley Booth
(Pooh, as all the others have written love poems)
Ian - Bill Clinton; Bob Hawke; Kris Kristofferson; Rhodes Boyson
(Boyson,
as all the others were Rhodes scholars at Oxford)
Scores: Ian & Maureen 13; Paul & Rhodes 11
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: VETERINARY PRACTICE
Paul & Rhodes:
TORIES FEAR VOTERS ARE __________
GIANT __________ DRAWS CROWDS
__________ HEARING UNDER INVESTIGATION
MAJOR
BANGS __________
Ian & Maureen:
COOK MAKES MARK WITH __________
HOW TO BECOME __________ EXPERT
THE POPE SPELLS OUT __________
ARTIFICIAL
LEG MADE FOR __________
Final Scores: Ian & Maureen 15; Paul & Rhodes 16
"Good
evening and welcome to the programme that does to the news what certain Tory MPs
do to your family."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th June 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Mariella
Frostrup; Paul Merton
& Neil
Kinnock MP
Ian
& Mariella: Major launches tirade against begging
Paul & Neil: Alan Clark sleeps with judge's wife and two
daughters
Ian & Mariella: ITC reprimands Carlton Television for
poor programming
Paul & Neil: Government demands more religious education
Scores: Ian & Mariella 4; Paul & Neil 4
ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘IF IT SPLITS,
YOU'RE ON A HAYDN TO NOTHING’
Condom
invented which plays music if it splits
Neil: ‘I LOVE EWE’
The
Welsh 'Miss Sheep' contest
Mariella: ‘KING-SIZE KOHL’
Helmut
Kohl demands specially-made bed for his summit visit to a Mediterranean island
Ian: ‘IF YOU WANT TRAINS,
LIVE IN THE CITY’
BR
officer states that country services are pointless
Scores: Ian & Mariella 8; Paul & Neil 8
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Tony Hancock; Peter Sellers; Arthur 'Bomber' Harris; Nelson
Mandela
(Sellers, as all the others have had statues erected in their honour)
Neil - Bernard Ingham; Lord Parkinson; Lady Olga Maitland; Woodrow Wyatt
(Maitland, as all the others were once members of the Labour Party)
Mariella - Daniel Day Lewis; Shane McGowan; Andy Townsend; the Duke of
Wellington
(Wellington,
as all the others were England born but act Irish)
Ian - Clive James; Jeremy Paxman; Miriam Margolyes; Malcolm Rifkind
(Paxman,
as all the others appeared on University Challenge)
Scores: Ian & Mariella 11; Paul & Neil 12
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: LAUNDRY & CLEANING NEWS INTERNATIONAL
Ian & Mariella:
QUEEN MUM'S JOY AT 400TH __________
LIVERPOOL'S __________ BIGGEST IN THE COUNTRY
PORTILLO MAY GO __________
__________
MUST OVERCOME THEIR APATHY
Paul & Neil:
YOGI UNIVERSITY OFFERS __________
BOTTOMLEY DEMANDS SUPPORT FOR __________
BROWN STEPS DOWN __________
MOON
IN LINE FOR __________
Final Scores: Ian & Mariella 16; Paul & Neil 18
"Good
evening and welcome to the final programme in the series and with Paul Merton
leading by four programmes to three, Ian Hislop has everything to play for,
except any prospect of an overall victory."
FIRST BROADCAST: 11th June 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Donna
McPhail; Paul Merton
& Salman
Rushdie
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS & TABLOID
HEADLINES:
Ian & Donna: D-Day's 50th anniversary celebrations
Paul & Salman: Ray Illingworth bans chaplains and mobile phones
from the England cricket team's dressing room
Ian & Donna: ‘THE COG
THAT'S A BIG WHEEL IN OUR FUTURE’
Cog
invented which repairs human cells
Paul & Salman: ‘JAMES
DEAN SUES TORIES’
The
family of James Dean sues the Young Conservatives after they used a picture of
him for a campaign poster
Scores: Ian & Donna 4; Paul & Salman 4
*The round was changed because there was little available new footage other
than that of D-Day.
ROUND
TWO - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Donna - Clinton compares Kohl to a Sumo wrestler
Paul & Salman - Liberal Democrat councillor flaps in TV interview
Scores: Ian & Donna 6; Paul & Salman 6
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - John Major; Michael Heseltine; Peter Lilley; Prince Charles
(Charles,
as all the others have been pelted with the ingredients of a quiche)
Salman - Yoko Ono; Sister Marie Gabriel; John Major; Richard Gere
(Major,
as all the others have taken out full page ads in the Press)
Donna - Matt Busby; John Lennon; Josef Stalin; Doris Stokes
(Stokes,
as all the others have sent messages to the Sun from the grave)
Ian - Edwina Currie; Winston Churchill; Melvyn Bragg; Verna Bruegmann and
Harold Burma
(Currie,
as all the others have won literary awards)
Scores: Ian & Donna 9; Paul & Salman 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: ANGLING TIMES
Ian & Donna:
_________ SWINGS THE BALANCE
__________ RECORD IS UNDER THREAT
__________ CHALLENGE FOR THE MAN OF STEEL
__________ RECORD IS SHATTERED
__________
BY ALL MEANS
Paul & Salman:
MAJOR THROWN __________
WHITEHALL'S TOP CATS GET __________
SEXY SECRETS OF __________
NESSIE COULD BE __________
END
THE BIG __________ CHAOS
Final Scores: Ian & Donna 9; Paul & Salman 14
Series Score: Ian 3; Paul 5
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