"Good evening and welcome to the start of a terrifying eighth series of 'Have I Got News For You'."
FIRST
BROADCAST: 28th October 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Martin
Clunes; Paul Merton &
James
Pickles QC
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Martin: The publication of Jonathan Dimbleby's biography
of Prince Charles
Paul & James: Neil Hamilton accused by Mohamed Al Fayed of
taking cash for questions
Ian & Martin: Eurostar service begins
Paul & James: Pollution campaigners want to substantially raise
the price of fuel
Scores: Ian & Martin 4; Paul & James 4
ROUND TWO - BOOK EXCERPTS:
Paul: "Sprawled in front of a spin drier, wearing nothing
but a pair of white cotton briefs and sneakers, her cropped hair thrown back as
she chugalugged a can of Diet Coke, her pierced nose with the chain stretched
across her face and running down her lip, Celestia came across on the page as an
un unmistakably classy piece of ass."
Naomi
Campbell, "Swan"
James: "Their bodies were aching to embrace, yet the
anticipation, the fervour of expectation was almost more delicious... a moment
of ecstasy that can never be repeated and is worth holding on to for as long as
is humanly possible. The footman entered and quietly announced dinner."
Anna
Pasternak "Princess In Love"
Martin: "'Yes, yes.' Ray's hand reached slowly towards the
seat of all rapture, the centre of life. He was drawn there as inevitably as
eels are drawn to the Sargasso Sea, that calm area of the North Atlantic between
the West Indies and the Azores where seaweed floats and eels wriggle their
relentless way to paradise, as Ray was doing, or trying to do, towards
his."
James
Pickles "Off The Record"
Ian: "We had a very happy honeymoon, taking the ferry
across the Thames estuary to Southend. I made my first visit to an eel-and-pie
shop in Leysdon. We visited the church and spent hours talking to the pigs. I
remember our holiday with nostalgia and sometimes get out the photographs to
remind us of it."
Terry
Major-Ball "Major Major"
Scores: Ian & Martin 8; Paul & James 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Tony Blair; Neil Hamilton; Nerys Hughes; Jimmy Carter
(Carter,
as all the others have eaten at the Putney Tandoori - their photos were all
taken with the owner)
James - Ian Paisley; Brian Mawhinney; Dr Who; Englebert Humperdinck
(Humperdinck, as all the others boast the title of doctor but as a faith
healer, he is the only one who cures people)
Martin - Emma Freud; Gareth Hunt; Paul Anka; Barclays Bank
(Anka,
as all the others are rhyming slang)
Ian - Erik Honnike; Michelangelo; chickenpox; Chaos 4
(chickenpox,
as all the others are computer viruses)
Scores: Ian & Martin 12; Paul & James 9
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: HET LAATSTE NIEUWS
Paul & James:
BLAIR OFFERS CLEANING TIPS FOR __________
JACKO TO MAKE LISA__________
OVER-USE WEAKENS __________
POLICE
RECRUIT __________
Ian & Martin:
WE MAY ALLOW __________ SAYS THE HEAD OF ETON
SOOTY'S OWNER CANNOT BEAR __________
270 MILLION CHINESE WILL BE __________ BY 2000
IS
CHARLES __________
Final Scores: Ian & Martin 14; Paul & James 15
*For losing, Ian & Martin were given a copy of James Pickles' book.
"Good evening and welcome to what is now widely regarded as this
show."
FIRST BROADCAST: 4th November 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Arthur
Smith; Paul Merton & Richard
Coles
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Arthur: MPs wives employed to lead QUANGOs
Paul & Richard: Junior minister allowed three days off a week to
continue dentistry
Ian & Arthur: Servants quit Duchess of York's home and claim she
was spurned for a date by Michael Hutchence
Paul & Richard: Elephants shot by paintballs instead of bullets
Scores: Ian & Arthur 4; Paul & Richard 4
ROUND
TWO - MISSION TO EXPLAIN (using footage from "Newsnight"):
Paul & Richard - bathroom suite, representing the privatisation of the water
industry
Ian & Arthur - dodgem cars, representing Government departments getting in
each other's way
Scores: Ian & Arthur 8; Paul & Richard 4
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Carlos the Jackal; Abu Nidal; Cherie Blair; Robert Kilroy-Silk
(Nidal, as all the others studied at the London School of Economics)
Richard - Princess Diana; Kate Adie; Emma Stewartson; Wendy Mason, an
aftershave packer from Northumberland
(Adie,
as all the others received romantic letters from James Hewitt while he was in
the Gulf)
Arthur - Jurgen Klinsmann; killer wasps; Marks & Spencer fish
fingers; BSE-infected beef
(the
beef, as all the others have been imported into the UK from Germany)
Ian - George Washington; Booker T Washington; Michael Jackson; Fransisco
Duran
(George
Washington, as all the others have been to the White House)
Scores: Ian & Arthur 9; Paul & Richard 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: None
Paul & Richard:
POPE GIVES SCOTTISH CARDINALS __________
MAJOR BITES __________
WOMAN WHO HAD PRINCE CHARLES UNDER HER __________
MARK
THATCHER BREAKS __________
Ian & Arthur:
QUEEN IN BED WITH __________
__________ TO CHEER UP CHICKENS
PORTILLO OWNS UP OVER __________
__________
MAKE MEN STERILE
Final Scores: Ian & Arthur 13; Paul & Richard 14
"Good evening and welcome to this of all programmes."
FIRST BROADCAST: 11th November 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Lee
Hurst; Paul Merton & Andrew
Morton
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Andrew: Match-rigging allegations in football
Ian & Lee: The new biography of Princess Diana is launched
Paul & Andrew: David Mellor has an affair with a viscountess
Ian & Lee: DTI booklet on tricks in business is recalled
Scores: Ian & Lee 2; Paul & Andrew 4
ROUND
TWO - WHO WERE THEY THEN?
Paul & Andrew - John Selwyn-Gummer, Conservative Party conference, 1967
Ian & Lee - Andrew Neil, Conservative Party conference, 1970
Scores: Ian & Lee 3; Paul & Andrew 5
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Monica Seles; Nancy Spungen; Humphrey Bogart; Derek Jameson
(Seles,
as all the others were stabbed by lovers)
Andrew - Sooty; Joe Williams aged 1; Princess Diana; Brian Cobbey
(Cobbey,
as all the others make silent phone calls, whereas he receives them)*
Lee - Mona Lisa; Jilly Cooper; Margaret Beckett; Arthur the London Zoo
lion
(Arthur, as all the others have slept with someone called Leo)
Ian - Jonathan Aitken; Michael Dobbs; Prince Charles; Mrs Buddha
(Prince Charles, as all the others are married to Buddhists)
*Brian Cobbey is the voice of the speaking clock.
Scores: Ian & Lee 6; Paul & Andrew 9
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publications:
Paul & Andrew - "THE PRINCE OF WALES", Jonathan Dimbleby
Ian
& Lee - "DIANA: HER NEW LIFE", Andrew Morton
Paul & Andrew:
IN
1980, CHARLES ESTABLISHED A BUCKINGHAM PALACE __________
CHARLES: JOAN COLLINS WAS VERY AMUSING AND WITH AN UNBELIEVABLE __________
CHARLES: I WAS THEN GREETED BY A BARE-BOSOMED LADY MP. I HAD TO WAVE THE SPEAR
IN THE AIR AND SHOUT __________
ANDREW
MORTON'S BOOK WAS, FOR THE PRINCE OF WALES, A __________ OF ALMOST UNENDURABLE
PROPORTIONS
Ian & Lee:
DIANA: I'M __________ LIKE A TUBE OF SMARTIES
HER CURRENT INTEREST IN __________ WAS INSPIRED BY OLIVER HOARE
SHE BELIEVES THAT IN A PREVIOUS INCARNATION SHE WAS ___________
HER
SITTING ROOM IS A SHRINE TO __________
*Paul & Andrew were deducted points for guessing quotations from Andrew's
own book.
Final Scores: Ian & Lee 12; Paul & Andrew 11
As winners, Ian & Lee received a copy of "a superbly written Royal
biography" while Paul & Andrew, as losers, received "a piece of
old tat knocked up in three minutes". They got copies of "The Prince
Of Wales" and "Diana: Her New Life" respectively.
"Good
evening and welcome to the show, or if you're watching the Saturday repeat,
hello again."
FIRST BROADCAST: 18th November 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Nick
Hancock; Paul Merton
& David
Icke
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & David: The first National Lottery draw
Ian & Nick: Douglas Hurd found guilty of giving aid money to
Malaysia to build a dam instead
Paul & David: Damon Hill misses out on Formula 1 world title
after Michael Schumacher crashes into him
Ian & Nick: Government re-brands Hull as a seaside resort to
avoid paying for a new sewerage works
Scores: Ian & Nick 4; Paul & David 4
ROUND
TWO - THE PARANORMAL:
Paul & David - giant penis cut into a field outside Chequers
Ian & Nick - giant John Major caricature cut on a hill in Sussex
Scores: Ian & Nick 8; Paul & David 4
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Madonna; Prince; Norman Schwarzkopf; Rupert Murdoch
(Madonna,
as all the others don't use their first names)
David - Edward Heath; the Carpenters; Jesus; Pinocchio
(the
Carpenters, as all the others were the children of a carpenter)
Nick - Helmut Kohl; a tin of John West salmon; Pepsi cola; Chris Eubank
(the
slamon, as all the others use "The Best" as a theme song)
Ian - Gerry Adams; Douglas Adams; Richard Adams; Tony Adams
(Tony,
as all the others have written works of fiction)
Scores: Ian & Nick 13; Paul & David 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest
Publication: PERSONNEL TODAY
Paul & David:
MAXWELL WAS __________ SAYS WIFE
QUEEN MUM'S DOWN __________
ORGANISATIONS
ARE NOT LINKING TRAINING TO THEIR BUSINESS PLANS, MAKING IT IMPOSSIBLE TO ASSESS
WHETHER IT IS PAYING OFF, SAYS __________
SADDAM RECOGNISES __________
Ian & Nick:
ASTRONOMERS FIND __________ HIDING BEHIND MILKY WAY
I'M __________ SAYS ANNE DIAMOND
__________ FASTER 100 YEARS AGO
__________
OF THE YEAR 1994: THE SEARCH BEGINS
Final Scores: Ian & Nick 19; Paul & David 12
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