EPISODE 5:

"Good evening and welcome to a celebration of what is for us, programme number sixty nine, although how we go about celebrating that is yet to be decided."

FIRST BROADCAST: 25th November 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Helen Atkinson-Wood; Paul Merton & Sir Teddy Taylor MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Paul & Teddy:   British Gas boss gets enormous pay rise

Ian & Helen:   Cabinet threaten to resign if they lose EC vote in the Commons

Paul & Teddy:   Slick of rubber ducks in a shipwreck

Ian & Helen:   Beatles reform to release a new single

Scores: Ian & Helen 4; Paul & Teddy 4

ROUND TWO - TASTE TEST:

Ian & Helen - Coca Cola; Virgin Cola; Sainsbury's Classic Cola

Paul & Teddy - House of Commons water; Camelford water; Thames water

Scores: Ian & Helen 8; Paul & Teddy 8

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Jeffrey Archer; John Wayne Bobbit; Monsieur Silhouette; Sir Ranulph Twistleton-Whickham Fiennes

(Fiennes, as all the others have had things named after their surnames)

Teddy - Brian Clough; Paul Daniels; John Major; Douglas Hurd

(Major, as all the others have sons who followed them into the same profession)

Helen - Paul McCartney; the Queen Mother; Lord Lucan; George Roe of Quirnmoor Walk, Kirby

(Lucan, as all the others have been mistakenly reported dead)

Ian - David Owen; Archduke Franz Ferdinand; Torvill & Dean; the Pope

(the Pope, as all the others have been to Sarajevo)

Scores: Ian & Helen 13; Paul & Teddy 11

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publications:

Ian & Helen's were all taken from a leaked Conservative memo on how to win the next General Election

Paul & Teddy's were all taken from a Euro-bashing article by Patrick Nicholls MP for which he was sacked.

Ian & Helen:

WE NEED TO DEVELOP FIVE KILLER __________

IF BLAIR TURNS OUT TO BE __________ WE HAVE A PROBLEM

WE NEED TO FEED OUR FRIENDS __________
WE SHOULD USE __________ RUTHLESSLY ON TELEVISION

Paul & Teddy:

FRANCE WAS A NATION OF __________

GERMANY'S MAIN CONTRIBUTION HAS BEEN __________

I PREFER __________ TO BEETHOVEN'S FIFTH
I WISH I WAS NOT IN __________

Final Scores: Ian & Helen 17; Paul & Teddy 25

EPISODE 6:

"Good evening and welcome to the show and with Paul's lead over Ian a narrow three games to two, and just four games to go, Ian stands every chance of only losing the series seven-two."

FIRST BROADCAST: 2nd December 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Hattie Hayridge; Paul Merton & Glenda Jackson MP

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Hattie:   The Budget

Paul & Glenda:   Lottery money to be used to fund Millennium monuments

Ian & Hattie:   Footballer Paul Merson admits to cocaine addiction

Paul & Glenda:   The Pope releases a record

Scores: Ian & Hattie 4; Paul & Glenda 4

ROUND TWO - SLOGANOMETER:

Paul - BRITAIN GROWING STRONGER - Conservative Party, 1994

Glenda - DON'T LET YOUR WORLD TURN GREY - Green Party, 1989

Hattie - FACING UP TO THE FUTURE - Liberal Democrats, 1992

Ian - FACING UP TO THE FUTURE - Liberal Democrats, 1993

Paul - (no slogan) - Liberal Democrats, 1994

Glenda - POLITICS FOR LIFE - Green Party, 1983

Hattie - VOTE INSANITY, YOU KNOW IT MAKES SENSE - Monster Raving Loony Party, 1982

Ian - LABOUR '85 BOURNEMOUTH - Labour Party, 1985

Scores: Ian & Hattie 9; Paul & Glenda 7

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Dave Allen; Postman Pat; Anne Boleyn; Ali Obid Ab Ali

(Boleyn, as all the others have missing fingers)

Glenda - Mahatma Gandhi; Madonna; Gulliver; Elizabeth I

(Gulliver, as all the others have consumed their own urine for medicinal purposes)

Hattie - Michael Portillo; Queen Sofia of Spain; Duke of Edinburgh; the Elgin Marbles

(Portillo, as all the others are Greek imports)

Ian - Chris Patten; Gerry Adams; Lord Buckethead; Nana Mouskouri

(Mouskouri, as all the others were rejected by the voters at the last General Election)

Scores: Ian & Hattie 13; Paul & Glenda 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: EALING & ACTON GAZETTE

Paul & Glenda:

I WON'T BE A SECOND __________, SAYS LAMONT

WINNER SAT ON __________

QUEEN LOSES FACE ON __________

LEISURE CENTRE FLASHER WORE __________

Ian & Hattie:

VIRGIN __________ ANGERS KYLIE

ROYALS TO OPEN __________
LOVELESS GAZZA TAKES __________ TO BED

TURKEYS VOTE FOR __________

Final Scores: Ian & Hattie 13; Paul & Glenda 14

EPISODE 7:

"Good evening and welcome to the opening few moments of the show. Hope you enjoyed them."

FIRST BROADCAST: 9th December 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Jack Docherty; Paul Merton & Moray Hunter

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Paul & Moray:   Government loses VAT on fuel vote

Ian & Jack:   Politically correct Bible published

Paul & Moray:   Pensioner ordered to pay £4,000 compensation to burglar he shot

Ian & Jack:   Tony Blair sends his son to a selective school

Scores: Ian & Jack 4; Paul & Moray 4

ROUND TWO - HERALDRY:

Ian & Jack - coat of arms of Baroness Thatcher, featuring a sailor (due to the Falklands War) and Sir Isaac Newton (due to her having a science degree)

Paul & Moray - coat of arms of Elton John, featuring a piano and the colours of Watford FC

Scores: Ian & Jack 6; Paul & Moray 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Nigel Short; Mark Little; Gro Harlem Brundtland; the Grim Reaper
(the Grim Reaper, as all the others have received death threats)

Moray - Spike Milligan; Cliff Richard; Salman Rushdie; a tiger

(the tiger, as all the others were born in India)

Jack - Duchess of York; Michael Jackson; Sylvester Stallone; the Aymara tribespeople of Bolivia

(the Duchess of York, as all the others own llamas)

Ian - Prince Michael of Kent; Eric Cantona; Etienne Gerard; Roger the Butler
(Prince Michael, as all the others have had horses named after them)

Scores: Ian & Jack 12; Paul & Moray 8

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: BEE WORLD

Paul & Moray:

DRUGS POLICE URGED TO KEEP __________

JACKSON 'TO __________ ON QUIET'

WOMEN TOLD 'TORY PARTY IS __________'

TRIPE LOVERS RESIST __________

Ian & Jack:

LLOYD WEBBER ON __________

BARE LADIES' PROTEST PUTS END TO __________

SUPERGOATS ARE TACKLING __________

GAMMA-RADIATION AFFECTS __________

Final Scores: Ian & Jack 13; Paul & Moray 15

EPISODE 8:

"Good evening, or if you're watching this on video and expecting 'Roseanne', I'm afraid you have pressed two instead of four again."

FIRST BROADCAST: 16th December 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Hugh Dennis; Paul Merton & Michael Buerk

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Hugh:  Three Conservatives caught in Tony Blair's Commons office

Paul & Michael:   Guardian journalist gets favours from the KGB

Ian & Hugh:   The clamour to find the winner of the first rollover Lottery jackpot

Paul & Michael:   Vicar claims that telling kids about Santa is a lie

Scores: Ian & Hugh 4; Paul & Michael 4

ROUND TWO - SPOT THE BALLS (Goldenballs winners for bureaucratic speak):

Paul & Michael - "A device or arrangement that may be used to permit a patient to lie down when the need to do so is a direct consequence of the patient's condition rather than a need for active intervention such as examination, diagnostic investigation, manipulative treatment, obstetric delivery or transport".
An NHS bed, Goldenballs winner in 1993

Ian & Hugh - "Ideas which stress the growing importance of international co-operation, and new theories of economic sovereignty, across a wide range of areas, macro-economics, trade, the environment, the growth of post neo-classical endogenous growth theory and the symbiotic relationship between growth and investment in people and infrastructure, a new understanding of how labour markets really work and the rich and controversial debate over the meaning and importance of competitiveness at the level of individuals, the firm or the nation, and the role of Government in fashioning modern industrial policies which focus on maintaining competitiveness."
Gordon Brown's speech on Labour policy, Goldenballs winner in 1994

Scores: Ian & Hugh 6; Paul & Michael 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - George IV; Prince Charles; Michael Jackson; Anna-Nicole Smith

(Prince Charles, as all the others married in secret)

Michael - Gerry Adams; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Paul Hill; Jackie Onassis
(Adams, as all the others married a member of the Kennedy family)

Hugh - Duchess of York; Harpers & Queen; Jane Ferguson; Heathrow Airport car park

(the Duchess of York, as all the others have refused to believe Johnny Bryan on financial matters)

Ian - the 18th century; the hundred years' war; Blackpool Tower; LWT's "Night of 100 Stars"

(Blackpool Tower, as all the others claim to be 100 but aren't)

Scores: Ian & Hugh 10; Paul & Michael 8

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: BRASS BAND WORLD

Paul & Michael:

FULL POTENTIAL OF __________ NOT REALISED

DELORS __________ MAGGIE AS HE SAYS GOODBYE

QUEEN OFFERS FERGIE __________ AT CASTLE

DI'S SQUIDGY PAL LAID __________

Ian & Hugh:

GUARD YOUR HOME WITH __________

FIRST __________ CONFERENCE PLANNED FOR FEBRUARY

WHY HAS CAMILLA SUDDENLY GOT A __________ ON HER FACE?

MAMMOTH US TOUR FOR __________

Final Scores: Ian & Hugh 12; Paul & Michael 13

Series Score: Ian 2; Paul 6

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