"Good evening and welcome to another series of satirical news-based panel
games which two teams contest and Paul Merton wins."
FIRST BROADCAST: 21st April 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Diane
Abbott MP; Paul Merton
& Julian
Clary
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Diane: Trouble
during live animal exports protest
Paul & Julian: Insertion
of a '1' in phone codes by BT
Ian & Diane: Jonathan
Aitken launches libel battle against the Guardian
Paul & Julian: Eric
Cantona gets community service for assaulting a fan
Scores: Ian & Diane 4; Paul & Julian 3
ROUND TWO - GREAT ESCAPE:
Paul & Julian - map of Parkhurst Prison, escape route used by three inmates
Ian & Diane - map of Elmley Prison, break-in route used by one man
Scores: Ian & Diane 6; Paul & Julian 3
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Sam Hammam; Michael Faye; John Gorman*; Robert Kilroy-Silk
(Gorman,
as all the others have been responsible for graffiti)
Julian - Princess Diana; Helena Bonham-Carter; John Gorman*; Oliver Hoare
(Princess Diana, as all the others have received unwanted phone calls)
Diane - John Gorman* (I); John Gorman (II); Winnie Mandela; Bruce Grobbelaar
(Gorman (II), as all the others have been subjected to police raids)
Ian - Saddam Hussein; Shoko Asohara; Dennis the Termite; John Gorman*
(Gorman, as all the others have released dangerous gases into the atmosphere)
*Gorman is the victim of a long and occasionally violent vendetta by British
Airways after he complained about broken glass in his brandy during a flight.
Scores: Ian & Diane 8; Paul & Julian 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS *('GOING
DOWN'):
*All the Missing Words questions concerned sentences handed down for a
variety of offences.
Ian & Diane:
28 DAYS FOR JUROR WHO __________
28 DAYS FOR JUROR WHO __________
£2
FINE FOR PRISONERS __________ IN GROUP 4 PRISON
Paul & Julian:
12 MONTHS DRIVING DISQUALIFICATION FOR TRYING TO RAM A POLICE CAR WITH __________
__________ FOR BANGKOK MAN IN MULTI-MILLION POUND FRAUD
2
YEARS FOR WHITEHALL CHARWOMAN WHO __________ WITH TOP SECRET MILITARY DOCUMENTS
Final Scores: Ian & Diane 14; Paul & Julian 17
"Good
evening and welcome to what is now the world's favourite airline's least
favourite programme."
FIRST BROADCAST: 28th April 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Eddie
Izzard; Paul Merton &
Michael
Winner
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Eddie: Tory Euro
rebel MPs regain the whip
Paul & Michael: Labour
plans to allow homosexuals in the Army
Ian & Eddie: Claim that
Labour councils have gangsters as members
Paul & Michael: Lottery
buys Churchill documents for £12m
Scores: Ian & Eddie 3; Paul & Michael 5
ROUND TWO - PUBLICITY STUNTS FROM MPS
Paul & Michael - Gummer and cuddly dinosaurs advertising economy of
electricity
Ian & Eddie - MPs 'apple and spoon race' to promote the British apple
Scores: Ian & Eddie 4; Paul & Michael 8
ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - the hake; the flounder; the turbot; the deep sea angler fish
(the
deep sea angler fish, as all the others are caught by the Spanish)
Michael - Rod Stewart; Teresa Gorman; Mr Blobby; Nai Bevin
(Bevin,
as all the others have been refused planning permission)
Eddie - Mona Lisa; the deep sea angler fish; Teresa Gorman; a Kling-on
(the
Kling-on, as all the others have no eyebrows)
Ian - Roger Daltrey; Barbara Windsor; Garry Bushell; Lenny 'One Eye' Hamilton
(Hamilton,
as all the others want Reggie Kray released)
Scores: Ian & Eddie 8; Paul & Michael 10
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING
DOWN'):
150 HOURS COMMUNITY SERVICE FOR STABBING A MAN WHO SWITCHED OFF__________
__________ FOR STEALING A SLICE OF PIZZA
__________ FOR HOUSEBREAKING AND THEFT
THREE MONTHS FOR GROWING POTATOES
SIX
YEARS FOR MAN WHO HID £60 __________ AND £60 __________
Final Scores: Ian & Eddie 10; Paul & Michael 14
*The winners received a copy of John Gummer's 'Energy Tips' while the losers
received a copy of John Gummer's 'Beauty Tips'.
"Good
evening and welcome to the week's news in capsule form - that's cyanide capsule,
of course."
FIRST BROADCAST: 5th May 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & John
Fortune; Paul Merton
& John
Bird
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & John: Labour wins in local elections and abandons Clause 4
Paul & John: Protestors climb trees at M65 extension site
Ian & John: The BBC mislays £20m
Paul & John: Hand-held electrical goods affecting aeroplanes
Scores: Ian & John 4; Paul & John 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Ian & John: ‘OH WHAT A
TANGLED WEB WE WEAVE’
Spiders
given drugs to test reactions
Paul & John: ‘THE
LANDLADY WHO SPIED FOR HITLER’
Dorset
lady was German spy during the war
Scores: Ian & John 6; Paul & John 6
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT (*QUANGO VERSION):
*Each contestant given a QUANGO and four names, only one of which is a member
of that QUANGO.
Paul: HUMAN FERTILISATION
& EMBRYOLOGY AUTHORITY
Dr
Hilary Jones; the Duchess of York; Cherie Blair; Penelope Keith (Keith)
John B: ADVISORY COMMITTEE
FOR BUSINESS & THE ENVIRONMENT
Cedric
Brown; Norma Major; Felicity Kendal; Lord Melchett (Brown)
John F: HORSE RACE
TOTALISATOR BOARD
John
McCririck; Andrew Parker-Bowles; Woodrow Wyatt; Liz Hurley (Wyatt)
Ian: LONDON DOCKLANDS
DEVELOPMENT CORPORATION
Judith
Mellor; Lady Cobham; John Tuser; Hector from 'Hector's House' (Cobham)
Scores: Ian & John 12; Paul & John 6
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: AUSTRALIAN GOAT WORLD
MRS T __________ ADMITS BLAIR
BIRT'S __________ BRINGS DESPAIR TO BBC
A TOUR THROUGH A GOAT'S __________
WHEEZING PAVAROTTI PULLS OUT OF __________
SUSPENDED TORIES __________
PORTILLO MOVES CLOSER TO __________
HOW
I __________ IN GOATS
Final Scores: Ian & John 15; Paul & John 16
"Good evening and welcome to the only show on BBC2 at the moment."
FIRST BROADCAST: 12th May 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Steve
Wright; Paul Merton &
Alan
Cumming
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Steve: VE Day anniversary
celebrations
Paul & Alan: Carling sacked for
calling rugby union bosses '57 old farts'
Ian & Steve: 500,000 listeners
desert Radio 1
Paul & Alan: Soldier has
surgery to remove hand grenade from anus
Scores: Ian & Steve 4; Paul & Alan 4
ROUND
TWO - *PHOTO ILLUSTRATIONS:
*Each team was given a illustrative photo posed by models and asked to
identify the story to which it was connected.
Paul & Alan - sexologist observes lovemaking couples
Ian & Steve - average height increases mean beds are too small
Scores: Ian & Steve 4; Paul & Alan 7
ROUND
THREE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Adolf Hitler; Captain Kirk; Alan Clark MP; Linda McCartney's dog
(answer unknown)
Alan - Muhammed Ali; Bertrand Russell; Rev W Audry; Attila the Hun
(Attila,
as all the others have avoided wars due to conscientious objection)
Steve - Slash; Axl Rose; Tony Blair; Steven Norris
(Rose,
as all the others were guitarists in rock bands)
Ian - David Mellor; Jonathan Aitken; John Peters; Wernher von Braum
(Peters,
as all the others have been involved in arms sales)
Scores: Ian & Steve 7; Paul & Alan 10
ROUND
FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publications: The Times & The Observer, VE Day 1945
(all headlines were taken from those newspapers)
__________ IN ENEMY'S REAR
PUDDINGS ARE MORE NOURISHING MADE WITH __________
THERE'LL ALWAYS BE A __________
HIMMLER'S DISGUISE - __________
U-BOAT CREW DID NOT KNOW __________
THE WORLD
WILL BE A CLEANER PLACE WHEN __________ ARE MADE AGAIN
Final Scores: Ian & Steve 8; Paul & Alan 18
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