EPISODE 5:

"Good evening and welcome to the final opening remark of this show."

FIRST BROADCAST: 19th May 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Fred MacAuley; Paul Merton & Dr Germaine Greer

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Fred:   Publication of the Nolan report on sleaze

Paul & Germaine:   News Of The World reprimanded for photos of Spencers in health farm

Ian & Fred:   Gerry Adams goes to the USA

Paul & Germaine:   Religious cable TV channel ARK2 launched

Scores: Ian & Fred 4; Paul & Germaine 4

ROUND TWO - *THROUGH THE KEYHOLE:

*Each team was given a look at two celebrity homes and asked to identify the owner.

Ian & Fred - Imran Khan's home

Paul & Germaine - Adolf Hitler's home in Berlin

Scores: Ian & Fred 6; Paul & Germaine 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Paul McCartney; Postman Pat; Prince Charles' oat biscuits; a pubic hair

(the biscuits, as all the others have been banned in Japan)

Germaine - Barbie; Ken; Pamela Anderson; Salman Rushdie

(Ken, as all the others are the subject of a Fatwa)

Fred - Dracula; Jeffrey Dahmer; Vinny Jones; Richard Whiteley

(Whiteley, as all the others have bitten into human flesh)

Ian - Paul Gascoigne; UB40; article one of the Ground Nuts Order; a bouncy castle

(the nuts order, as all the others have been unrecognised by a judge)

Scores: Ian & Fred 9; Paul & Germaine 10

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: PIG WORLD

EXTRA BODY FAT GIVES WOMEN __________

QUEEN IS DOWN TO HER __________
BODY SHOP'S LATEST IDEA: __________ APPLIED ALL OVER

POIGNANT REUNION AS CHARLES AND DIANA SHARE __________

LORD LUCAN TO VISIT __________

Final Scores: Ian & Fred 14; Paul & Germaine 12

EPISODE 6:

"Good welcome and evening to the first mistake of the programme."

FIRST BROADCAST: 26th May 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Frank Skinner; Paul Merton & Raoul Heertje

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Frank:   Mrs Whitehead jailed

Paul & Raoul:   Split in Holland's political party for pensioners

Ian & Frank:   Government report identifies 'sick building syndrome'

Paul & Raoul:   Woman's broken arm repaired on aeroplane with coathanger

Scores: Ian & Frank 4; Paul & Raoul 4

ROUND TWO - *OPINION POLLS:

*Each contestant was given a percentage category and six possibilities within that category. Using the rules of pontoon as a rough guideline, they were not allowed to exceed 21.

Paul - PERCENTAGE OF WOMEN WHO WOULD LIKE A HOT DATE WITH:

Hugh Grant; Kenneth Branagh; Tony Blair; Ryan Giggs; Richard Gere; John Major

(Paul chose Major (3%); Blair (3%) and Branagh (5%) and chose to stick on 11)

Frank - PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE WHO ENJOYED THE FOLLOWING:

ironing; washing up; having sex for the first time; going to the chiropodist; fighting; discussing the cost of living

(Frank chose discussing the cost of living (39%) and instantly bust)

Raoul - NUMBER OF COUPLES FROM DIFFERENT COUNTRIES WHO TOUCH EACH OTHER PER HOUR:

Puerto Rico; USA; UK; France; Iran; Holland

(Raoul chose UK (0); Iran (0) and France (110) and therefore bust)

Ian - PERCENTAGE OF PEOPLE OF THE OPINION THAT:

Prince Charles should be King; Will Carling should be sacked; Winston Churchill should receive £12m from the Lottery; Eric Cantona should be jailed; Margaret Thatcher was right to criticise John Major; Princess Diana should have a wet-look hairstyle
(Ian chose Prince Charles (18%) and Winston Churchill (3%) and therefore got exactly 21, taking the points)

Scores: Ian & Frank 8; Paul & Raoul 4

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Norma Irly; John Rind; Fred Funk; Geraldine Bromish

(Funk, as all the others have been struck by a US President's golf ball)

Raoul - Frank Zappa; Mr Spock; Herge; Uranus

(Uranus, as all the others have had heavenly bodies named after them)

Frank - Michael Howard; Michael Howard; Michael Howard; Michael Howard
(Howard, as all the others have been adjudged to have acted illegally)*

Ian - tickets for 'Oliver!'; tickets for Frankie Valli; 12 jars of honey; a blowpipe missile

(the missile, as all the others have been registered by MPs as gifts)

*Angus outlined three instances where Howard had been adjudged to have acted illegally during his time as Home Secretary, adding that only once had his actions been deemed lawful.

Scores: Ian & Frank 12; Paul & Raoul 6

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS ('GOING DOWN'):

MAN WHO STOLE A BRITISH RAIL EGG SANDWICH ORDERED TO __________ EIGHTEEN MONTHS' DETENTION FOR HOLDING UP AN OFF-LICENCE WITH __________

MAN FINED JUST 50P FOR HIS 501ST DRUNKEN CONVICTION AFTER COURT HEARD __________

£10 FOR __________ DRESSED AS A CHICKEN

LIBEL VICTOR'S SETTLEMENT INCLUDES RIGHT TO __________ JOURNALIST

Final Scores: Ian & Frank 17; Paul & Raoul 10

EPISODE 7:

"Good evening and welcome to the show and for those of you watching on video, congratulations for having something better to do on a Friday night."

FIRST BROADCAST: 2nd June 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Sir Tim Rice; Paul Merton & Terry Major-Ball

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Tim:   UN ultimatum to Serbs in Bosnia

Paul & Terry:   Thatcher praises Blair

Ian & Tim:   Lord Sutch faces bankruptcy

Paul & Terry:   Westminster Council investigates massage parlours

Scores: Ian & Tim 4; Paul & Terry 4

ROUND TWO - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?

Paul & Terry - Pope hit by dove he had just released

Ian & Tim - Clinton fails to take lens cap off binoculars

Scores: Ian & Tim 6; Paul & Terry 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - Columbus Taylor; Snoop Doggy Dogg; Yusuf Islan; John Major

(Islam, as all the others have been named or nicknamed after dogs)

Terry - Margaret Thatcher; Lord Nelson; the Bastille; Huey P Long

(Nelson, as all the others have had days named after them)

Tim - Winston Churchill; Tom King; Prince Charles; Ernest Saunders
(Saunders, as all the others are in the Parliament ski-ing team)

Ian - Princess Diana; Arnold Schwarzenegger; Jeffrey Archer; Paul Merton
(Merton, as all the others are body-builders)

Scores: Ian & Tim 9; Paul & Terry 7

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: PUBLIC HYGIENE QUARTERLY

ENGLISH JUDGES 'ARE __________EST IN EUROPE'

SAY __________ TO BLOCKED URINALS

__________ IS GETTING TIGHT, SAYS FERGIE

WHY __________ IS LIKE A HAMSTER

__________ ATE MY UNDIES

Final Scores: Ian & Tim 12; Paul & Terry 14

EPISODE 8:

"Good evening and welcome to the last programme of the present series and as we enter the final contest, nothing could be more exciting than having Ian trailing by just one game, but unfortunately he is trailing by three, so excitement doesn't really come into it."

FIRST BROADCAST: 9th June 1995
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Spike Milligan; Paul Merton & Andrew Neil

ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:

Ian & Spike:   Scott report on arms to Iraq leaked

Paul & Andrew:   Minister for the Disabled crashes into a car and leaves the scene

Ian & Spike:   Man plants mines in garden to deter burglars

Paul & Andrew:   Duchess of York does TV cartoon series on talking vegetables

Scores: Ian & Spike 4; Paul & Andrew 4

ROUND TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:

Paul & Andrew:  ‘A PEE SPELLS TROUBLE’

Man loses Scrabble game during toilet break

Ian & Spike:   ‘WHAT HAS THE FRUIT FLY DONE TO DESERVE THIS?’

Geneticists develop a homosexual fruit fly

Scores: Ian & Spike 6; Paul & Andrew 6

ROUND THREE - ODD ONE OUT:

Paul - the Queen; Judge Melford Stevenson; the World Health Organisation; Courtney Love

(Love, as all the others have slagged off Manchester)

Andrew - Michael Aspel; Richard Madeley and Judy Finnegan; Sooty; 'Have I Got News For You'

('Have I Got News For You', as all the others have been in trouble for product placement on their programmes)

Spike - a sheep; a pair of Wellingtons; a turd; Ken Livingstone

(the Wellingtons, as all the others have been exhibited as art)

Ian - Jeffrey Archer; Jason Donovan; Stuart Hall; Christopher Biggins
(Donovan, as all the others have been arrested for shoplifting but then cleared)

Scores: Ian & Spike 7; Paul & Andrew 7

ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:

Guest Publication: HAIR GROWERS' NEWS

THE WOMAN I __________ BY PRINCE CHARLES

HAIR LOSS - IT'S A QUESTION OF __________

VICAR GOES __________ AT DIY FUNERAL

RAT DROPPINGS AND SAWDUST INSIDE __________

QUEEN MUM USES GOLF BUGGY TO __________

BALDIES TAKE THEIR MARKS FOR THE START OF __________

LABOUR WILL FORCE QUEEN TO OPEN __________

Final Scores: Ian & Spike 11; Paul & Andrew 13

Series Score: Ian 2; Paul 6

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