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'HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU'
Series
20, Episode 5
18th November 2000
There
are hundreds of journalists who appear on British TV screens each day, all of
them working on the same brief - whenever you appear on camera, clothe yourself
soberly, present the facts eloquently and be emotionless and fair.
Then we get a bunch of BBC hacks dressing to the nines to dance like berks on
Children In Need, followed quickly by the suave, moustachioed Jeremy Bowen
having a right good time on Have I Got News For You. It'll be difficult for a
while to look at these reporters in the same light again once they return to the
day job.
PICTURED: Jeremy Bowen
One
of the great achievements of Have I Got News For You down the years is the way
it has skilfully allowed impartial news broadcasters to say what they really
think and inject a spot of humour into their public persona. The best example of
this was the awesome John Sergeant, with the likes of Edward Stourton, Michael
Buerk, John Simpson, Trevor McDonald and Jon Snow all revealing a comedic side
to their make-up which the humble viewer rarely gets to see. Now the BBC
Breakfast anchorman's name can be added to that distinguished list.
On hearing of a Sicilian TV station which has its newsreaders kissed and fondled
by strippers during bulletins, Jeremy piped up: "That sounds like a great
job, doesn't it?" A new role for Sophie Raworth could be on the cards.
Jeremy remains a genuine example of why the BBC claims to have the best news
journalists in the world, but his talents are much better utilised by the
familiar scene of him wearing a bullet-proof vest in the Middle East, not
sitting in a studio reading autocue at seven o'clock in the morning to a
bleary-eyed nation.
Rumour has it he isn't happy in that job, but Angus Deayton didn't ask him about
it. Nor did he inquire as to the truth behind allegations that Jeremy was
advised by Auntie's image consultants to shave off his natty 'tache, which he
quite rightly ignored. With the smoothness and unflappability which Jeremy has
always had in his character, it would have been interesting to hear his answers.
The quality of this episode - indeed, that of the whole series so far - has been
enhanced greatly by the newsworthiness of the stories under discussion. Still no
new President of the USA, therefore still more gags to be had.
PICTURED: Angus Deayton
Comedienne Linda Smith, who put in a performance which was a thousand times
better than her woeful previous guesting two years ago, came up with the perfect
solution to the voting fiasco in the States: "Anne Robinson would sort it
out - 'George W Bush, you are as thick as shit. Goodbye'."
PICTURED: Linda Smith
Angus added to the ongoing White House farce, talking about Bush's prowess as
the ruthless Governor of Texas. In the week where Bush put to death his 150th
criminal, who had a mental age of six, Angus said: "If there's one thing
George W Bush hates, it's a smart arse."
The host had one major flaw in this episode, which appeared to be the ability to
see. It didn't affect his autocue abilities too much, but in a quickfire round
about the Millennium Dome, he twice allowed the wrong buzzer-presser to answer
the question. Cue an amazed Ian Hislop: "Guess who the weakest link is in
THIS quiz!"
PICTURED: Ian applauds Angus enthusiastically when he finally DOES get it right...
Paul Merton was clearly unwell, coughing and spluttering through the recording
and in possession of a hoarse voice - "I'm feeling a little hoarse - he's a
good friend" - but his ailment wasn't going to stop him finding a reference
to the running gag of the series.
PICTURED: ...whilst in the same round, an ailing Paul Merton 'warms' his hands
A girl was given a leg extension operation on the NHS so she could reach the
required height to fulfill her dream to become an air hostess, and Paul piped
up: "She should get her own jetpack." The surgery involved breaking
the girl's legs and then stretching them out before rejoining them, so Linda added: "It's a technique inspired by the Spanish Inquisition."
A couple of other top moments- on seeing hundreds of truckers jamming the
London-bound motorways as part of their fuel tax protestations, Linda said:
"It's either that or Shania Twain is playing Wembley." And, having
explained that England-based Benito the anteater had just become a father, Angus
said it was uncommon for anteaters to successfully mate, as "with a
four-foot tongue, you would rarely get past the foreplay."
Much of this series has been helped along by the quality of the news stories
available, and when you have non-stop flooding and American election
catastrophes and fuel blockades and Dome handouts, it makes the job of the
participant that little bit easier. But credit to everyone on this episode -
they did their homework and their prep and there were plenty of laughs along the
way as a result.
One good lesson which can be learnt from this latest programme is that TV
journalists are clearly comedians trapped in a sober outfit and a tight
scripting policy. Jeremy proved the latest example of this, and while not all of
them will be as phenomenal as John Sergeant, a screen hack has yet to
fall, squirming and humiliated, on his or her backside, like one or two print
journalists we could name. Are you reading this, Piers?
You
have to hand it to these Liberal Democrats. With little or no chance of
achieving anything even resembling power in the political arena, they are quite
content not to take themselves too seriously.
And in Lembit Opik MP, they have a charismatic, articulate and sharp-as-scissors
politician willing to take over from where his leader left off three weeks ago.
PICTURED: Lembit Opik
Lembit,
he of the lop-sided smile and the ever-so-slight lisp, was in absolutely tip-top
form in another first rate episode of what is becoming a series of legend.
LibDems down the years have had a form of collective responsibility to entertain
rather than lecture when they agree to appear under the Have I Got News For You
spotlight, due to their restricted political clout. From the two bigger parties,
who could you confidently say did the biz on
the show without
thought to their own political standing? Neil Kinnock did, but he had already
been his party's leader and was on the cushy route out. Ken Livingstone did, but
his party have never liked him anyway. Jerry Hayes did, but he was a
Conservative of humility long before anyone in his party's
hierarchy ever cottoned on to that idea. And Edwina Currie did, but her renowned
'loose cannon' status had already put paid to her top-rank ambitions.
PICTURED: Paul's
furry attire
With Liberal Democrats, you know exactly what you are going to get. A politician
who will send himself up, send his leader up, send his party up and send his own
credentials up, while also having a bloody good laugh in the process. And when
your leader (and an ex-leader too - David Steel) can appear on the show
unscrupulously, without overpaid, self-righteous advisers telling them what to
say and how to say it, you know you're on safe ground and can surreptitiously
earn yourself some points on the cool scale and a few extra votes.
Lembit made his second appearance on the show with even more balls and gusto
which marked his splendid debut in the spring of last year, during which he
managed to 'out' Angus Deayton as a transvestite in a skilful switchback as the
host tried to goad him about his previous career as a ladies' shoe shop
proprietor.
PICTURED:
Angus Deayton
On
the proposed European Army, his captain Ian Hislop ridiculed the Lib Dems for
not having the personalities to get their views on show. Lembit retorted:
"That's not very nice. It's only because we rejected your
application."
And on the continuing US presidential fiasco, Lembit said of the
intellectually-challenged George W Bush: "He has only been out of the US
twice, and one of those was Disneyland."
It was an odd episode in many ways. Ian had no tie on (just a touch of chest hair was visible, disturbingly), Angus decided to say 'goodnight' and roll the credits at the very beginning "to annoy people who have set their video to record the show" and Paul Merton had three idiosyncrasies encircling him.
PICTURED: Ian, minus his tie...
To wit: Paul managed to crack a number of jokes which went down like a lead
balloon, prompting much funnier responses of frustration and the odd comedy
equipment-check of his microphone. He was wearing something made of spiky wool
(cue a succession of ridicules from Ian) and, alarmingly, no mention of a
jetpack at all. All running gags must reach the finishing line at some point,
then.
PICTURED: Paul performs the all-important equipment check...
GMTV host Lorraine Kelly, with a pleasant cleavage on view and THAT
trouser-arouser of an accent, spent much of the show giggling, which is no bad
thing. But on that same US presidential calamity, she pointed out that the word
'pregnant' (a term used to describe a type of voting on the push through ballot
paper) is banned by American broadcasters as they have a problem with the word.
Yet when it was pointed out that they'll happily advertise pile cream, she
replied: "The two go together, believe me!"
PICTURED:
Lorraine Kelly
As
expected, much was made of the absurd ratings 'war' following ITV's trouncing of
the Beeb when a well-spoken woman won the jackpot on "Who Wants To Be A
Millionaire?", ruining the grim reaper moment for Victor Meldrew in the
last ever "One Foot In The Grave" which both Angus and Paul starred
in. As the two tried to shed some light on alleged underhandedness at ITV, Ian
summed it up for them perfectly: "You're just trying to work up a BBC
conspiracy because you were both in the show that got absolutely
slaughtered!"
It was a hectic news week all round, with the monarchy not escaping this week.
On the Queen's controversial strangling of a bullet-wounded pheasant, Ian said:
"It was an act of mercy." Paul shot back: "It would have been an
act of mercy not to shoot it in the first place." Cue huge applause.
Asteroid-obsessive Lembit managed to re-repeat an old statistic from his first
appearance (so he did remember he was a politician, then) when he claimed that
'we' were 750 times more likely to die in an asteroid attack than we were to win
the Lottery this weekend, adding: "Maybe, just maybe."
Immediately, and with precision timing, Paul and Lorraine's eyes both looked up
the heavens. Well, the studio lighting, anyway.
PICTURED: Paul and Lorraine's asteroid vigil commences...
PICTURED: ...with surprising results for Paul
Lorraine got a little embarrassed towards the end when she couldn't recognise a
headline from her own column in the Sun, prompting Ian to shout: "You don't
really think she writes that, do you?" Such jibes were entirely playful,
and this episode was made good by the willingess of the two guests to speak when
expected to, relax throughout and laugh the rest of the time. Mission
accomplished.
PICTURED: Ian illustrates the method of voting in the US
Good stuff, and another pointer towards those who book the political guests - get people who aren't so far up their leader's backside that they need a year's supply of cotton buds, or just so devoid of the real world that humour is an alien emotion. We won't expect to see Glenda Jackson or Rhodes Boyson again, then. But Lembit Opik should be allowed back whenever he likes.