'HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU'
Series
20, Episode 7
1 December 2000
Paul
Merton's wit is unbelievably quick. Whether he is putting down Peter
Stringfellow on the age of his haircut or asking Boris Johnson why he smears his
body with paint, he is undeniably at the top of the tree when it comes to
something spontaneous.
But one of the underrated strengths of this finely-tuned comic persona is his
ability to get the proles rolling in the aisles without saying a damned word.
It's useful to have a sharp mind and devastating vocal timing, but to be blessed
further with exquisite visual skills is also somewhat handy.
And on a lukewarm episode of the show, it was Paul's semi-familiar look of sheer
bewilderment, of absolutely bemused ignorance, which proved the highlight.
We've seen it many times before, of course. The tabloids constantly label him as
'deadpan funnyman Paul Merton' thanks to his facial contortions when assessing
surreal or alien scenarios, such as working alongside a tub of lard. It is worthy to
describe it as a mixture of contempt and mock thickness, liberally sprinkled
with a dash of irony and a hint of apathy.
PICTURED: Matthew Collings
But of course, he only uses it when there is ammunition seated nearby to release the trigger. Many a guest has inspired Paul's visual take-offs - Rhodes Boyson's unintelligible ramblings, Teddy Taylor's anti-Euro lectures, Stephen Bayley's poncey theories on the role of art and David Shayler's case for the defence.
The latest bullet for Paul's gun came in the shape of the hugely-sideburned art critic Matthew Collings, an Andrew Morton doppelganger who, a la Bayley, was drawn into long, convoluted and unspeakably dull debates about the role of various breeds of art, in the week that the Turner Prize was awarded. But it was when he tried to explain something complicated about the role of US TV broadcasters in the US Presidential election that Paul took his chance.
PICTURED: The events leading up to...
As Matthew droned on, Paul seemed to check his water, his watch, the audience and his pulse, while also displaying that familiar "I don't know what the hell is going on here but I wish it would stop" expression which had the audience in stitches. Wonder if someone in the front row had brought a newspaper, just in case?
PICTURED: ..."The Look..."
To
Matthew's credit, he knew that Paul was providing some light entertainment as he
wittered on, and sported an expression which seemed to say he would continue his
speech in order to let Paul further pursue the laughs. Unlike the Bayleys and
Boysons of this world, who totally forgot that the main intention of the show
was to entertain.
Matthew was sort of okay, but not really controversial enough as an art critic
for a watching nation brought up on the overplayed, attention-seeking bigotries
and prejudices of the (figure this one out) likeably hateful Brian Sewell. In
fact, on the subject of the Turner Prize nominees, he sat on the fence so much
he would have needed a BBC make-up artist to pick the splinters out of his
backside after the recording.
PICTURED: Angus locates the 'bullshit button' on his desk...
Nice line from him though - after initially supporting the anti-art protestors outside the ceremony, he turncoated and joined the protagonists indoors. His explanation was: "There was champagne inside."
PICTURED: ...as does Paul
Angus Deayton added to the debate by saying that the German snapper who won the prize "once photographed a naked man with chained nipples, masturbating. He then added: 'Now can we have the bride's family, please'."
PICTURED: Angus ponders
The show was tepid, but maybe that's a disservice as it was by no means the
least risible of the series or the year as a whole, but a comparatively workaday
comedown from recent recordings of legend featuring Charles Kennedy, Rich Hall
and Lembit Opik. We've been spoilt thus far.
Ian Hislop's guest was comedian Sanjeev Bhaskar, the star of Goodness Gracious
Me who has also re-enacted the Karma Sutra for his art. When Paul asked him which
position was the most difficult, he replied: "The ones on your own."
PICTURED: Sanjeev Bhaskar
The sexism row surrounding John Prescott and the French female minister was given top billing, and Ian spoke for many when he quoted Prescott stating that she couldn't understand what he was saying. "Join the club!"
PICTURED:
Ian Hislop
The train crisis allowed Ian to use a familiar cliché concerning the average Brit's reluctance to speak out when something annoys them. Staff on board the already-infamous nine-hour journey from London to Nottingham offered compensation to the delayed passengers. Ian's theory: "Cup of tea?"
PICTURED: Ian's interpretation of the activities
employed during the recent railway delays
Ian then mentioned that he once travelled the width of India by train, before
Paul snapped back: "Where were you trying to get to? Swindon?"
Other issues discussed included David Beckham's tattooed tribute to his missus
('Victoria' in Hindi) which Sanjeev said was spelt phonetically, and therefore
incorrectly. Angus added: "Beckham suffers from depression when Victoria is
out performing with the Spice Girls. Don't we all?"
And
the ridiculous BBC funding for revolving doors usage instruction leaflets also
got a billing. Sanjeev went unreplied (apart from a belly laugh) when he asked
Matthew: "Is it art?"
We were too hasty when we mentioned the passing of the series' running joke last
week, too. We're very pleased to be proved wrong. After spin supremo Alistair
Campbell, a huge Britney Spears fan, went to the after-tour party of his teenage
heroine, Angus said that "he hovered round her table but never met
her", Paul replied: "Neat trick! He must have his own jetpack!"
PICTURED: Paul enthuses about jetpacks
The game was won on a chuckaway tiebreaker question - "what is the capital of Albania?" - which Sanjeev answered correctly. Compilations excepted, there is one show left, and if it as good as this one, we'll be happy. Yet if it's as good as some of the others in this series, we'll be delirious.
'HAVE I GOT NEWS FOR YOU'
Series
20, Episode 8
8 December 2000
Legendary
status among guests falls into two categories - the show-dominatingly brilliant,
who spend their recording time reducing those around them to a jelly, and the
infamously put-upon, lacking in wit but gaining attention through their own
personal traits.
While Stephen Fry, John Sergeant and Will Self head the list of the former
category, the protagonists on the other side of the equation include Boris
Johnson, Piers Morgan, the Hamiltons - and Peter Stringfellow.
PICTURED:
Peter Stringfellow
When
the mulleted playpensioner of London's tackiest nightspot did his opening turn
on the show, he was the target of Paul Merton's most famous line. Having
revealed his current girlfriend was seventeen, Paul retorted: "Your
haircut's older than that."
But his own shameless desire for exposure, using the theory that there is no
such thing as bad publicity, made the self-styled 'King of Clubs' agree to what
could have been a ritual slaughter. It wasn't. Crucially, Peter had taken all
the inevitable stabs first time round in the right way - by laughing until his
fillings dropped out. Therefore he was more than up for a repeat performance.
PICTURED: Ian congratulates Paul on his recent weight loss...
PICTURED: ...whilst Paul illustrates the meaning of the word 'fat'
Spared
the probability of instantaneous and ceaseless verbal batterings by being seated
with Ian Hislop instead of Paul this time, Peter did his usual stuff - boastful
anecdotes about his promiscuity and meaningless comments about the more serious
issues of the week.
But he knew he was giving out ammunition for the rest, and fair play to him for
it. On his claim to have bedded more than 2,000 women, Ian replied: "And
they want sex banned now."
On his claim that Conservatives were sexy, Ian piped up: "I'm thinking Ann
Widdecombe..."
Paul still got one or two bouncers in - during discussion of a story about
harmful germs in washing-up bowls, he said: "Plastic is a breeding ground
for bacteria." Looking at Peter, he added: "You must know a bit about
that."
PICTURED: Angus's
surprise at an impromptu Guest Publication, courtesy of Paul
And
just to make it a full house, host Angus Deayton showed the watching country
(including those who missed the first two minutes because the live Coronation
Street deliberately ran late) the picture of a naked, darkened Peter recently
used on an anti-racism ad. Comments were limited, due to the good cause which
the picture was promoting. Then came another pic, this time featuring a
snow-white (purely in the pigment sense -this is Peter Stringfellow, after all)
club boss, covering his tackle and sporting foul chest hair and expanding belly.
It was vile. But of course, he laughed.
The other guest was TV chef, journalist, politician's daughter and all-round
posh girl about town Nigella Lawson, whose appearance probably secured the title
of 'most members of the same family' to appear on the show, with ex-Chancellor
dad Nigel and hack husband John Diamond both previously sitting in the same
seat.
PICTURED: Nigella Lawson
Though
she is easy on the eye (despite sporting a femininely 'bashed' expression passed
down by dad) Nigella was quite aloof, sitting to one side and only contributing
when asked, barring one or two sharpish comments. Her finest moment was when,
with face totally straight, she replied affirmatively to Paul's inquiry as to
whether she had ever indulged in lesbian sex with Delia Smith. It followed an
Odd One Out round featuring Nigella alongside three other TV chefs who had been
blasted by the first lady of cooking on camera. Nigella was also helped by
wearing a glittery 'Delia' top in the style of 'Kylie' and 'Britney' garments
worn recently by Madonna.
On the same question, Peter admitted that TV chef and Have I Got News For You's
foremost placenta- blender Antony Worrall-Thompson's wife once worked for him at
his club, and he tried to dissuade the bearded caterer from trying it on, as
"I've been trying to get into her knickers for five years". Paul
replied: "Try losing weight then."
It wasn't much of a news week - ho-hum Queen's speech, ignored Conservative
policy announcements, the sleep-inducing American fiasco again - stuff which
didn't set the spontaneity brazier alight greatly. Ian was particularly quiet.
PICTURED: Ian Hislop
The hero of the week was mentioned, however - Sooty the guinea pig who broke into a pen containing 24 females and impregnated the lot in one night, before kipping for two days. Angus said: "Sooty was named after the TV children's character Sooty, partly because he looks like him, but mainly because of his habit of pulling out his magic wand and shouting 'Izzy Wizzy Let's Get Busy'."
PICTURED: Paul shares his thoughts on the Caption Competition
That was the best gag of the night. Seeing Peter Stringfellow being told the truth is always good for a giggle, but the final episode of an excellent series wasn't exceptional.