APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Author
of the sci-fi cult classic book "The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The
Galaxy".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said he was responsible for "The Hitch Hiker's Guide To The Galaxy"
radio series, TV series, audio cassettes, calendars, mug trees, musical socks -
and some may even remember - book.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking
about a man who enjoyed sex with his family car, he said: "It was an Austin
Metro, so you can understand why."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Was
remarkably thorough in his answers, emphasising key points with eager shakes of
his pen.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Adams
was not outlandishly funny, but didn't really have to be with Angus, Ian, Paul
and fellow guest Peter Cook providing a glut of laughs between them on an
excellent episode. He was outstanding at answering the questions and was
unafraid to have a hearty giggle at some of the gags flying around. With Paul's
competitive streak always at a high, he was the ideal guest to have with his
knowledge of the week's events.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes.
He combined a terrific dedication to the quiz element with an occasional bout of
dry wit and that is no bad thing.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Saudi
Arabian dissident who actively campaigns for better human rights in his native
country and who survived an attempt by the British Government to deport him.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said that Al-Massari's criticisms of the Saudi regime led to Michael Howard's
unsuccessful attempt to deport him, making him the only person in the studio
ever to refuse a free trip to the West Indies.
BEST QUOTE:
When
viewing an Odd One Out question involving a disabled person, Michael Portillo,
some IRA files and a floor mop, he said: "All the items here are useful
except Mr Portillo."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? Ian told him "sometimes you speak a lot of balls
Al-Massari, but I defend your right to say it" following a brief discussion
over redundancies in the arms trade. He
got the expected playful banter from Clive but was unaffected by it.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: A very, very quiet man indeed. Not in the sense that he didn't say much (although he would
have said more had he been paired with a less talkative team captain) but the
actual pitch of his voice would have volume controls being adjusted everywhere.
As with some other non-British guests, he was given questions based on
his home country, including a special round on things censored or banned in
Saudi Arabia, and an Odd One Out question on King Fahd, which he got correct.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Al-Massari's infrequently heard and quietly
spoken tones were a sharp contrast to the talking habits of Ian (loud) and Clive
(constant) yet he managed to pull off a quite accomplished appearance.
He certainly knew what was happening in his adopted country, even though
his work involves publicising his views on the problems in his homeland, and he
had one or two droll lines to throw in and enjoyed some good banter around the
studio. Clive genuinely liked him
and by the end of the episode he had commanded a not inconsiderable amount of
respect. He needs to speak more
loudly, but other than that, he was not a bad guest at all.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? No reason why not, but give him a louder
microphone if so.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Former creative director of the Millennium Dome, who wrote a book about the
inner workings of the Government following his resignation.
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus said that Bayley's resignation hadn't delayed the
schedule of the Dome, as it was still on course for February 21st 2003; on his
second appearance, Angus said Bayley's new book about the Blair Government came
out recently, along with half the Cabinet.
BEST QUOTE:
"Why do people take an instant dislike to Peter Mandelson? The answer is
'to save time'."
ANECDOTES:
Told cagily under questioning from Ian that he resigned because he felt he
wasn't getting his way over the Dome, and added that his original idea was that
the Dome should be left empty.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
As an educated, cultured and arty man, with vocabulary to match, Paul gave him a
fair bit of stick for his long-winded artistic hypotheses. He was also accused
of using the show as a 'dating service' after he announced he would like to meet
the member of pop group Chumbawamba who threw a bucket of ice over John
Prescott.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Spoke way too much in general. He sported a liberal amount of designer stubble
on his first appearance, but appeared clean shaven second time round. With some
nice irony, having asked Angus who Alan Titchmarsh was during an Odd One Out
round in his first appearance, Titchmarsh was the other guest when Bayley
appeared for a second time. Made the fatal error of trying to explain what a
word meant to Ian, who shot him down immediately.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Bayley may have got the show confused with 'The South Bank Show' or something as
equally cultural, or frankly, poncy. He had long-winded and complicated artistic
theories which took some time to sink in and as a result he got a fair bit of
stick from all parties. He seemed pleasant and good-natured but far too
highbrow, as if he had forgotten there was a studio audience of the general
public wishing to be entertained, as well as millions more at home. But at least
he had fun and managed to vent a little of his displeasure at his failure to see
through the controversial Dome project, which with hindsight, he was best off
away from.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Six and seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
No, unless he promises to only read the tabloids as revision.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Brightly
coloured pullover-wearing all-round japester and raconteur, who wrote a variety
of frivolously informative books before becoming a Conservative MP in 1992,
losing his seat five years later. Now re-established as a raconteur.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
mentioned that Brandreth was on a Commons committee looking into pornography
during his time as an MP, but "blotted his copybook".
BEST QUOTE:
Talking
about how John Prescott barracked him in the Commons over his jumpers, he said:
"Eventually I had to pause and inform Mr Prescott that the joy of a woolly
jumper is that you can take it off at will, whereas the blight of a woolly mind
is that you are lumbered with it for life."
ANECDOTES:
As
well as the John Prescott tale, he also admitted under questioning from Angus
that he heckled Tony Blair in the Commons for wearing make-up. He also revealed
he kissed Edwina Currie when the two were at university together.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
They
had a damned good go, as some people have always seen Brandreth as a figure of
fun, but he took it all well and answered back. He claimed Peter Mandelson saw
Angus as a role model because of "the snappy-dressing, the cross-gender
appeal, all that" which Ian interpreted as neither men nor women fancying
Angus. When he said he would prefer Glenda Jackson as Mayor of London, Ian tried
to hit him with a reminder that he was supposed to be Conservative, so Brandreth
snapped back: "The Prime Minister is meant to be a Socialist." He also
claimed that the only reason he came on the show was that his wife was very
"interested" in Angus, to which Ian replied: "And is she getting
better?" The only time he looked mildly embarrassed was when Angus quoted
him praising Ann Widdecombe's physical and emotional plusses.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Brandreth
was extremely thorough in answering the questions yet that didn't stop him from
seemingly having a rather good time on the show.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Brandreth
was, simply, a quite brilliant guest. Sharp, amusing, humble and concise, he was
terrific at answering the questions and was wonderfully frank in his anecdotes,
having both the nerve and the wit to answer back. He possessed every attribute
which a good guest needs to not just survive, but on which to also thrive and
turn a good display into a memorable one. Brandreth was indeed memorable, and
for all the right reasons. In many ways he saved the show, as his fellow guest
Michael Cole was less than inspiring. As he has been seen in some quarters as a
figure of fun, it is wondered whether he was invited on just so he could be
slaughtered. If so, then it backfired spectacularly, much to the benefit of the
viewers.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? As frequently as possible.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
PR
agent known for his ability to manipulate the media into writing favourable
pieces for his clients, many of whom are suffering from bad PR before they hire
him.
INTRODUCTION:
On
his first appearance, Angus quoted one of Clifford's victims David Mellor, who
said he was "the sleazeball of all sleazeballs", though coming from
Mellor that was probably meant as a compliment; second time round, Angus called
him "PR's King of Sleaze" whose calls to tabloid newspapers are always
put straight through to the editor, in case the story is about them.
BEST QUOTE: "You'll
read about that on Sunday. I
haven't finished writing it yet!"
ANECDOTES:
In
a rather hidden fashion, he admitted that the infamous "Mellor wore Chelsea
strip for sex" story was made-up, as he was now working on a lucrative
contract for Fulham FC. Also said
that the woman who smeared Agriculture Minister Nick Brown's face with a
chocolate éclair thought she was represented by him, but wasn't.
He seemed set to tell something about Tory Mayoral candidate Steven
Norris's renowned set of mistresses, but for some reason the webmaster's TV
suffered a fault for the next ten seconds.
Checks have proved that other TVs also went blank.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian
had a go, but typically Clifford hit straight back, even claiming that Ian was
gay (which he isn't), a line he used throughout the show.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Got
a round of applause after explaining, in a rather round-the-houses way, exactly
why homosexuality wasn't for him.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
On
his first appearance, Clifford was surprisingly quiet, possibly due to the fact
that he clearly couldn't cope with endless road of ramblings which his captain
Eddie Izzard was travelling down, and much of the time he just looked at him in
amazement. But he is a man who has
Fleet Street eating out of his hand and he has gained great power and confidence
in himself as well as earning it for his clients, which showed in his second
appearance. He was ruthless,
sometimes rude, always keen to stab someone in the back and quite capable of
having an ethical argument with Ian. He
did resort to insults at times but he proved once and for all that he hasn't
time to care, as he has a business to run and money to make.
Although he wasn't satirical, nor particularly funny, he still put in a
devastatingly entertaining performance, albeit with a sense of leaving the
viewer uncomfortable. When he
remembered the show was a quiz, he answered the questions.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Six; eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? For
as long as there is a free Press in the UK - and let's hope that's forever -
Clifford will be busy, rich and topical. He's
always good for a slanging match, so by all means ask him to return.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Social
commentating new-wave musician with worldwide success and appeal.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Costello lived in Dublin, making him the only musician in Ireland not to
have won the Eurovision Song Contest.
BEST QUOTE:
On
the Monarchy, he said: "Lord Archer suggested a change in the succession so
that the women could take charge which seemed like a pretty good idea given the
options."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Had
to be reminded that he made a major public call for the UK to become a Republic
having previously denied any anti-Monarchist outbursts, and was also parodied by
Ian, who did a rather brutal impression of him by singing the chorus line of his
hit "Oliver's Army". Costello responded well by passing Ian his
glasses so he could make his impression more accurate, or at least more visually
accurate.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Discussion
or elaboration was not on his agenda when probed by Angus. Of four consecutive
questions asked of him, Costello responded with 'no', 'no', 'no' and 'yes'. An
extremely quiet man.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Costello smiled and charmed his way through a not outstanding appearance
but the man is a living musical legend and he knew that he had the audience on
his side throughout. But to his credit, he knew the answers to all that was
asked of him and had a damned good laugh at Paul while also proving able to
satirise himself when Ian did his infamous impression. Not brilliant, but his
political viewpoints and messages are so well relayed in his songs that it's
hardly surprising he was less able to show them in spontaneous speech. The
Webmaster is an enormous fan of his music, and it's his singing voice we want to
hear rather than his spoken one.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Journalist and author with a particular interest in Jeffrey Archer.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Crick's recent work contained more sex, scandal and intrigue than a
book by Jeffrey Archer, but that was because it was a book ABOUT Jeffrey Archer.
BEST QUOTE:
Completed the headline QUEEN TELLS CHARLES _____ with "I'm your
mum".
ANECDOTES:
As someone who works on BBC2's "Newsnight", he was asked a barrage of
questions about reactions in the office to the infamous outing of Peter
Mandelson which had taken place that week. He didn't go as far as many would
like, but he did admit that Jeremy Paxman had told him to keep quiet.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not really. He wasn't under any great pressure when being probed on the
Mandelson incident and was left alone all things considered.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Put him just behind Martin Young, Baz Bamigboye and Griff Rhys-Jones in the
'brilliant laughter' stakes.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Crick did a decent job considering a fair bit of intense focus was placed
on him to shed light on the Mandelson incident in an episode where the subject
was discussed non-stop throughout. He did pretty well, considering Ian was at
his cynical best about the BBC ban on mentioning Mandelson and that legendary
American raconteur Jackie Mason was also coming up with some great moments.
Never really funny, but when you're sitting next to Paul Merton and opposite Ian
having a field day and an icon like Mason, he didn't have to be.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
They would probably only do so if another Mandelson or Archer scandal broke of
the sort of proportions which would engulf an entire episode.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Britain's
most famous conjurer who had a long-running magic show on BBC1, for whom he also
presented a variety of game shows.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Daniels was famous for making things disappear, as the viewing figures for
the show would soon prove.
BEST QUOTE: "I
bought an advent calendar in Liverpool and all the windows were boarded
up."
ANECDOTES:
Set
the record straight about his famous quote that he would leave the country if
Labour gained power, claiming he actually said he would do it if a Labour
government went back to their policies in the 1970s, which they hadn't. Also
revealed how he thought he had died when he collapsed on stage as he saw some
form of existence beyond living matter while he was unconscious.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
When
a slip of the tongue meant he said his favourite thing was porn on the Internet
(he had meant just the Internet generally) Paul asked if he was a participant or
a subscriber. Also got hisses from the audience when he described an Oriental
country which the Queen was visiting as "that 'they all look alike'
one". And inevitably, Angus referred to Daniels and his captain as
"Paul, and your lovely assistant Ian Hislop". Got beaten by fellow
guest Charlie Whelan on the issue of Daniels paying tax while abroad. A smug
Daniels said that as he used to work for the Inland Revenue, he knew the tax
system better than Whelan, only for Whelan to snap back that he knew more
because he used to work for the Chancellor of the
Exchequer.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He
wore a rather fetching shocking pink jacket and fortunately, we were spared the
spectacle of him performing a trick.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Daniels
was possibly one of those guests invited on purely because he was a potential
figure of fun for the others to jibe at. It is difficult to see any other
reason, as he had not been seen on British TV screens for several years and had
dropped right out of the public eye. And to an extent, it worked. All of the
others managed to get some form of dig in at him and Daniels was unable to
respond with any great savagery. He answered some of the questions well enough,
but came across as a rather mundane and humourless figure.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Five.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
TV
executive famous for saving TV-AM, with the help of Roland Rat, in the
mid-1980s. At the time of his
appearance, he was the head of the newly-launched Channel 5, before becoming the
Director-General of the BBC in 1999.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said that Dyke, as head of Channel 5, had a punishing schedule, having to
re-tune about 15 video recorders a day.
BEST QUOTE: None.
ANECDOTES:
Told
a great story about how a Channel 5 re-tuner found a sausage in the back of
someone's video as the machine would only work when the owner's finger was
placed there, so the sausage was the only alternative to crouching behind his
video day and night.
GIVEN
A HARD TIME?
Playfully,
but relentlessly. Ian said that the
'Five Five Five' branding campaign was apt, as the station only had five
viewers, while there were plenty of sly digs from Angus about Channel 5's less
than brilliant start in his links and monologues.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
A
very enthusiastic answerer of questions, particularly in an Odd One Out round
when he gave a lucid, elongated, intelligent, well argued and convincing answer,
only to be told it was wrong. And
no-one mentioned Roland Rat to him once.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Dyke is now the boss of the BBC, so if the fun he
had as a guest is anything to go by, the future of the show is safe.
He giggled openly at all the anti-Channel 5 stabs, as did his fellow
guest and Channel 5 talk show host Jack Docherty, and took an active part in a
good episode. We're sure that Ian's
more recent gag in which he makes a comparison between Dyke and a ferengi from
Star Trek was well-received in the D-G's office.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? The boss of the Beeb on the show? Well, they
can only try...
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