APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Lead
singer with Irish new-wave group Boomtown Rats, later to be given an honorary
knighthood for his Band Aid and Live Aid projects which raised funds for
famine-hit African countries. Now runs the Planet 24 production company, whose
flagship show is Channel 4's "The Big Breakfast".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted Geldof as saying he was "no Michael Jackson" which would come
as a relief to his lawyers.
BEST QUOTE: Completed
the headline "GROUP 4 TO CONCENTRATE ON ____" with "Hampstead
Heath.
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Was
clearly aggravated by Angus's sniping at members of the Royal family and told
him to stop making jokes about them, which was backed up by fellow guest Griff
Rhys-Jones.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Geldof
joked around with the rest of the participants but in fairness, the whole show
was a rather damp squib reviewing not an eventful year and this was a shame
following the memorable previous two Christmas specials. Everyone was off-form
and looked rather bored. Geldof answered the questions brilliantly, as proved in
the record 13-point margin by which he and Paul won the contest. But all in all,
it was an episode to forget which was no fault of Geldof's.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Yes. He deserves another chance as we know
he can be much better.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS: The domineering and hugely
loyal wife of disgraced ex-Tory MP Neil Hamilton.
Now more in the public eye than her husband, she presents her own chat
show on digital channel BBC Choice.
INTRODUCTION: Angus introduced Hamilton and her husband together, stating
that they had brought the reputation of the Conservative party into serious
disrepute by being happily married.
BEST QUOTE: After hearing Paul explain a bizarre tabloid story, she
brilliantly took the mickey out of Ian's famous post-libel case quote when she
said: "If you expect me to believe that I'm a banana."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? Talking about the Tory leadership contest, she said
her husband didn't have a say, to which he replied: "Can't get a word
in!" She also suffered much of the expected slagging off from Ian and
ribbing from Angus over their colourful few recent years.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: She flirted outrageously with all three regulars,
with Angus being complemented on his clothes, Ian receiving a wink and her
captain Paul getting pats on the shoulder.
Yet she also stared Ian out a few
times, establishing her reputation as
a battle-hardened and, frankly, very scary woman when needs must.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Forget the election defeat.
Forget the turmoil. Forget
the allegations that your husband is less than honest.
Hamilton absolutely loved the experience of being on the show, and was
quite
frightening in her own way.
Both she and her husband got slaughtered, but despite their shenanigans
being the most serious, they laughed along, took the jibes and got on with the
job. Piers Morgan take note.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? Her return is more of a priority than that
of her husband.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former
professional footballer and BBC sports presenter who then famously declared
himself as a form of Messiah. Now lectures around the world on life matters.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Icke had lived through a terrible crisis and survived to tell the tale - he
was once a goalkeeper for Hereford United.
BEST QUOTE: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
His
previous claims of Messiah status meant that anything involving psychic powers
or the paranormal was thrown at him, including the result of the first National
Lottery which was to be held that week. And when he and Paul were way behind
before the final round, Paul said: "We need a miracle, David."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Icke
laughed so hard he nearly cried, particularly at jokes with a religious
connotation. He also took any opportunity he could to dismiss the preaching of
the Christian church. He tried to be funny, but failed.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Icke was thorough in answering the questions
and took all the inevitable jibes in good spirit. But he made a huge, huge
mistake that several people make - he tried to be funny when he clearly isn't.
His attempts at jokes simply got no laughs whatsoever and though he didn't come
out of the show disgraced, he certainly would have learnt how to approach being
on such a programme in the future. But he was a brave man to appear in the first
place.
MARKS
OUT OF TEN: Six.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Australian
authoress renowned for exploring feminine issues.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted her as saying that British people were rude and patronising to
foreigners, which he then described as "typical convict mentality".
BEST QUOTE:
Described
Marla Maples as "an MTA - model turned actress which means she had
margarine legs - easily spread."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Went
a little too far in her mocking of men when she tried to joke about the
circumstances in which men become impotent but got cut down by fellow guest
Caroline Quentin.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
One
of the more animated guests the show has seen, with a very physical as well as
verbal performance. Also became the first woman to directly refer to
Angus's reputation as a sex god - claiming she wanted to see him "from the
nipple down". Ian is a huge fan of hers, having in the past given
favourable reviews to her books, and it was notable that he joined in the
applause when Angus introduced her. They also exchanged a kiss after
winning.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Lette
is an astute and funny woman in print, but not so much in voice. Sadly, she
tried to be, and although she had some useful observations and one or two
unsubtly humorous gags, she fell generally flat and after a while, simply
irritating.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Six and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Ordinary member of the public until his brother John
became Prime Minister, which increased his profile to the extent of becoming a
newspaper columnist and author.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Major-Ball left school and ran his father's
garden gnome business while his brother became PM, and apparently John is still
bitter about it.
BEST QUOTE:
On the visit to Bosnia of 62HH glamour model Pandora
Peaks, he said: "She'll do a lot of damage if she explodes."
ANECDOTES:
Told of why he and his brother had differing surnames -
it was because his father's pen ran out of ink when he was filling in the name
on his brother's birth certificate. Though
pressed on what he and his brother discussed on the phone, he said no more.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Yes, but he often responded brilliantly.
When Ian had a stab, Major-Ball said he would rather talk about a new
magazine which had come out to rival 'Private Eye', adding afterwards that he
stopped buying it when the price increased to £1, as he could photocopy it for
less.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Had a coughing fit of Griff Rhys-Jones proportions,
though evidently didn't have the same excuse of suffering from a bad cold.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Major-Ball is famous thanks to another member of his
family but he has become a very recognisable personality in his own right.
Clearly he isn't protective of his brother, despite the constant jibes
about him, as he knows John Major better than anyone and presumably thinks he
can look after himself. He was never afraid to hit back at Ian with snide comments of
his own and in the end, gained a hell of a lot of respect from everyone with a
thoroughly competent, if not memorable, performance on the show.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
No.
His brother is out of the public eye now, therefore so is he.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: One of the most high-profile criminal lawyers in the UK.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Mansfield was the first lawyer to appear on the show rather than sue
it.
BEST QUOTE:
On General Pinochet: "He has secretly gone to another address at RAF
Lyneham."
ANECDOTES:
Told of how he still hadn't been paid any fees for one case after the Legal Aid
board turned down part of his bill. He also revealed he was a bit of an inventor
as well as a legal expert, patenting a knife-and-for combination and an umbrella
which appears out of your back.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
On the inventions, Ian retorted: "So the law's gain was technology's
loss." Mansfield was also handed the expected stick about lawyers earning
too much for working too little.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
None.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Lawyers aren't the favourite people of the show, with Ian in particular having a
known and understandable dislike for them, but Mansfield got on well with
everyone without really having to, er, defend himself. Cross-examination about
the legal profession was kept to a minimum, and by the end he had Ian on his
side over their agreement that the proposed interview of five suspects in the
Lawrence murder inquiry by a journalist not known for giving people a tough time
was a scandalous decision. Not an exceptional guest, but considering his
profession, he actually seemed to be quite liked by Ian at the end. He must be
going soft!
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Possibly, depending on whether he gets
instructions on any more high-profile cases.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Veteran jazz musician.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus quoted an extract from the Guardian which said Melly was "the Gary
Glitter of jazz", which was purely a musical reference, as their lawyers
had asked to be pointed out.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking about the dung-laden exhibit which won the Turner Prize, Melly said:
"He comes from Manchester, where apparently there's quite a shortage of
elephant shit."
ANECDOTES:
Told at length of how he did not seduce former Sunday Telegraph editor Sir
Peregrine Worsthorne during their time together as school friends at Stowe,
despite Worsthorne's claim in a book on public schools that Melly did so
"expertly". Melly admitted to seducing other pupils at the school, but
not Worsthorne, because there was a three-year age gap between them and Melly
therefore wouldn't have had the nerve to seduce a boy that much older than him.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Not really. He was teased about some of the quotes he had come out with when he
was discussing his changing sexualities, but just laughed them off.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Had this wonderful knack of saying nothing for what seemed like ages and then
leaping in with a brilliant line.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Melly was a fascinating man, full of stories and unafraid to comment on some of
his past antics during his days as a homosexual. He had everyone utterly
transfixed when he told the Worsthorne story and generally had an air of respect
over him throughout the recording. When he spoke, he did so intelligently and
with some swift one-liners, though perhaps was a little too quiet over the
course of the whole show. But he was a truly enthralling guest and a great
raconteur.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
The researchers would need to rig questions to force another anecdote out of
him, so if they can, then get him back on!
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Veteran, fast-talking, monocle-wearing astronomer who has presented BBC2's
stargazing show "The Sky At Night" for nearly 50 years.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Moore was constantly infuriated by idiots who give any credibility to
astrology - typical Pisces.
BEST QUOTE:
In a wonderful bit of self-deprecation when discussing a supposed solar system
alignment which will cause freak weather conditions, Moore put on his monocle
and said: "As we approach the Millennium, every crackpot is coming out of
the woodwork."
ANECDOTES:
Told of how his observatory and 13th century thatched cottage was destroyed by a
typhoon while he was dining out, adding that he was very lucky indeed.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Angus tried to disprove Moore's belief that the freak weather conditions in 2000
wouldn't occur despite the scientific findings, but Moore was adamant, helped in
no uncertain terms by a brilliant bit of patronising from fellow guest Phil
Hammond and an unsubtle shoot-down by Paul.
On a Millennium Bug question, Ian claimed that computers would think it
was 1900, which was when "The Sky At Night" started.
Moore replied it was earlier than that!
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He talks so damned quickly, it was difficult to decipher some of his words.
Moore also was given the honour of accompanying the theme tune on his
xylophone, which he did quite brilliantly.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Ian and Paul listened intently and with genuine fascination as Moore explained
various astronomical facts and theories which were raised in the programme.
Their keenness to learn and listen emphasised just how much high regard
and respect is held for the one man in the UK renowned and loved for his
knowledge of the planets and the universe in general.
Few guests have such respect before an appearance - normally, they have
to earn it - but Moore is irrefutably a genuine national treasure and it showed.
He was the subject of the odd dig - but he will have had worse - and he
had some nice lines while also realising he was the humour in general, not
necessarily the words he spoke. He
also realised that he would be best served by using feeds for others to provide
the punchline - when he said another show like this would be occurring somewhere
else in the galaxy, Paul replied: "One where Ian constantly wins" -
and overall, he enhanced his reputation as a passionate, lovable and fun man who
was a real authority on his chosen career.
Brilliant, even though he speaks way too quickly.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
When
an astronomical story is in the news, they may do anyway, so there are plenty of
good reasons for anticipating a return.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: The official biographer of Diana, Princess of Wales.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
quoted Morton as saying he could happily live off the ashes of the House of
Windsor for the next 20 years, so now we know who started the fire.
BEST QUOTE:
In
a brilliant bit of marketing for his new book, he said: "And Diana was
forcing her way through the crowds to be the first one to buy it."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Good
God yes. Constant jibing from Ian and fellow guest Lee Hurst rang around the
studio about Morton's new book, which Ian claimed was no different from the
previous one. Morton simply laughed, knowing the hassle was worth it as long as
the book got heavily plugged.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
When
a copy of his book was handed over by Angus as a prize for coming second, Morton
swiftly stood it up in full view of the camera. His marketing skills were
terrific, it has to be said.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
The
summary of Morton's performance so far seems to show that he was merely on there
to heftily promote his book and do nothing else. Not so. Morton took an active
role in the whole show, in what was a very busy and thought-provoking news week,
and emerged from it as quite a decent man. He certainly enjoyed the banter and
answered the questions reasonably well.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? Of
course not. He will never be topical again.
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