Pictured: Antony Worrall-Thompson
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former MI5 agent who fled to France and gained
permanent exile after the Secret Services tried to have him deported back to the
UK to face trial over alleged revealing of secrets.
He appeared on the show from France, using a widescreen television on the
desk next to Paul.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said they wanted Shayler to come on the show but
MI5 wouldn't allow him into the country, so they just got him live via satellite
in Paris instead.
BEST QUOTE: "I'm in the studio next to Paul. I'm actually in a box!"
ANECDOTES:
Shayler told of how his MI5 colleagues used to steal
his contacts book and ring politicians in the middle of the night, pretending to
be someone else.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Good God, yes. Ian
and fellow guest Stephen Fry asked him a glut of endless questions about his
escapades in the secret services and Shayler did answer them without getting too
perturbed. Fry pointed out that he
thought there was a similarity between Shayler and Paul, though he called his
fellow guest "David Traitor.”
He also got endless jibes from Paul, simply because Paul was in one
of his moods, and could have endlessly ridiculed any guest who was sitting with
him.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: Said absolutely nothing during the Missing Words
round.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Shayler was always going to find his participation in
the show tricky, not just because of his own shenanigans which were bound to be
examined and questioned in great detail, but also because the satellite link had
a two second delay which meant he found himself innocently interrupting other
people. When he was explaining some
rather dull MI5 information at length, Paul got so bored he switched off the
monitor and Shayler's face disappeared, though his voice didn't.
It summed up the general frustration caused by the satellite link and
that was more a reason why Shayler was unremarkable on the show, rather than his
own inadequacies. He tried to show
an element of wit, but got hammered when one joke went down like a lead balloon,
and in the end he quietened down. Hopefully
the lesson has been learnt not to have any guest live via satellite again.
He was personable and took the jibes well, but he was let down by the
technology around him which made him look a fool.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Only if he's allowed to roam the streets of the UK as a free man again, and that no round is introduced dedicated to the tedious world of espionage.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Former
deputy chief constable of Greater Manchester Police, who had just retired at the
time of his appearance.
INTRODUCTION: Angus
said Stalker was now a farmer - with over 40 pigs.
BEST QUOTE:
On
Mick Jagger's lips: "He looks like that because his mother used to stick
him on shop windows when he was a kid."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Admitted
that it was possible for the police to have admiration for intelligent
criminals, after a question was asked about a gang who stole a hole-in-the-wall
machine and set up a fake bank in order to get people's account details and take
their money. He was unafraid to throw in the odd satirical remark about the
police and laugh at other people's digs.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Stalker
was a guest who gave good value considering his former profession which has
always been under intense scrutiny and is not renowned for its humour. He had a
few good lines, answered the questions well and even had a go at the Caption
Competition, which few of the non-comedians do. Considering the presence of the
excellent Hugh Dennis opposite, Stalker did more than could have been expected
of him.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Probably
not, as he reached what was arguably a peak first time round. One of those
guests who should be left on a high.
APPEARED:
Series 20, Episode 8 (with Ian Hislop) 2000
KNOWN
AS:
Owner of London's most famous nightclub and shameless womaniser.
INTRODUCTION:
On his first appearance, Angus said that after a previous episode had
described his club as being full of drugs, guns, hookers and criminals,
Stringfellow threatened to sue on the grounds that there weren't any guns;
second time round, Angus said he was the sixty year old owner of a
table-dancing club who claims that he never wears underpants, so we have now
put you off your dinner and got your attention.
BEST QUOTE:
Surreal choice of quote, chosen for the reply rather than the quote itself.
When Paul asked him to confirm or deny the rumour that his girlfriend was
just 16, Stringfellow replied: "That was last week. She's 17 now."
To which Paul responded with one of his most famous lines: "Your
haircut's older than that!"
ANECDOTES:
Told of how he once asked Princess Diana if he could call her something
other than Princess, but was refused. He also admitted that he once tried to
sue Stringfellow's Oven Chips for using his name, and that he took his
lapdancing girls to a Conservative function at which Margaret Thatcher was
present.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
The 'haircut' line was an absolute classic, but it didn't end there. When
Paul added that at the age of 17, he couldn't get a 17 year old for love or
money, so he didn't know how Stringfellow did it, Ian remarked: "I
think it's the second of those two options you've just mentioned." Paul
also said that he had been to Stringfellow's club, and it was 'shit'!
Stringfellow was also told by Angus that his club would suffer if the
Government imposed a curfew on two year olds, and a naked photograph of him
was shown onscreen. On the story of superstud guinea pig Sooty, who did a
photocall with Stringfellow after impregnating 24 females, Angus afterwards
cracked a gag about a "randy, long-haired rodent".
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
His haircut was old-fashioned, it has to be said. And the man still has it
to this day. He plugged his club well, though Paul managed to cut him down
to size on one occasion mentioned above. When he did try to make jokes, they
were awful and predictable - so much so that Paul said "we can dub the
comedy on later".
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Paula Yates, Boris Johnson, Piers Morgan and Peter Stringfellow - four
people whose hammerings suffered at the tongues of the three regulars will
go down in the annals of the show's glorious history. But Stringfellow
crucially got it right as he was being blasted from all sides when he just
continued to laugh, even when Paul cracked the 'haircut' line and Ian
followed it up with his rather more cynical put-down. Like Johnson to an
extent, he realised he was a figure of fun and just kept his cool and let
them get on with it without rising to the bait, which was the vital factor
in keeping his head just above water, something which Morgan couldn't and
didn't do. Stringfellow also tellingly didn't try to answer back and ended
up unscathed despite all the sniping, although his attempts at humour were
pitiful and self-indulgent. On the quiz itself, he had done his swotting and
came through it well. But that is immaterial when you consider the classic
events which took place which made the quiz element almost completely
meaningless.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight; seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
His shameless habit of self-publicising would mean he'd accept more
hammerings like a shot.
SWAMPY (real name Daniel Hooper)
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Notorious
environmental protestor who gained worldwide fame when he stayed for days on end
in a tunnel underneath a site where trees were due to be felled to make way for
a new bypass. At the time of his
appearance, he became the youngest guest in the show's history, though that feat
has since been captured by Robert Reed.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Swampy was the first panellist on the show to feel at home in a dimly-lit
hovel since Peter Stringfellow.
BEST QUOTE:
On
being told that disgraced Conservative MP Neil Hamilton was a supporter of him
and his protesting friends, Swampy replied: "Excellent! Who is he?"
ANECDOTES:
Revealed
the staggering truth that he was called Swampy because
he, er lived a in a swamp, "well, more of a muddy field,
really".
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Of
course he was. In a round about
soap operas, fellow guest Fred MacAulay said none of the other panellists know
much about soap operas, or indeed soap".
Swampy also looked slightly taken aback when he learned that Labour would
adopt a 'three-strikes and you're out' policy on crime should they gain power,
to which Ian added: "Particularly for tunnelling!"
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Well,
he'd cleaned the mud off his face. But
his tatty clothes and unkempt hair proved he was true to his image, despite
becoming a celebrity and getting invitations to appear on topical quiz shows.
He got a round of applause after he was quoted as saying he would be able
to pay off a huge fine as he earned £550 writing a column for a Sunday
newspaper 'and it only takes me an hour'. Had
a remarkably squawky laugh.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Swampy
wasn't expected to be well-versed in the
intricacies of international politics and he obviously had done little to no
research. But his notoriety pulled
him through and he responded fantastically to the inevitable jibes about his
activities and image, and in the end, everyone had a soft spot for him.
He was living proof that despite all the prejudices against him and his
like, he was capable of maintaining more dignity and principle than half of the
jumped-up bandwagoning politicians who run the country.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Should he ever decide he's too old to live underground and get himself into the workaday world, he would be worth a comeback just to make the contrast. But he'll be tunnelling for many a year to come yet.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Large
plastic container filled with animal fats used for frying.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
claimed they chose the Tub of Lard as a late replacement for serial deserter Roy
Hattersley because they possessed the same qualities and were liable to give
similar performances.
BEST QUOTE:
Tough
one that. The only thing it 'said', with the aid of Paul's mediocre attempt at
ventriloquism, was "Is it Barry Manilow?" during an Odd One Out round.
ANECDOTES: Sadly,
none. Clearly an individual who likes privacy.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian
wanted to call 'him' Tubby, though Paul defended his guest by shouting back:
"Mr Lard to you."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Ian
is used to losing, though this was one of the few occasions he looked genuinely
gutted at doing so, as Paul had managed to beat him while sitting alongside a
Tub of Lard and completing headlines from foreign newspapers. Unbelievably, this
item was not only mentioned in the credits, but elevated to the status of
"Rt. Hon. Tub of Lard MP", presumably in another dig at Hattersley.
Angus claimed in a later episode that they had invited their new friend back on
but it also pulled out at the last minute.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Undoubtedly
the quietest guest the show has ever had yet still possessing more charisma and
humour than Gordon Ramsey, Derek Hatton and Sir Rhodes Boyson put together.
Joking aside, the episode is billed by many as the most memorable of all
episodes, though this is clearly for the gimmick rather than the humour, and the
gags about the Tub of Lard subsided substantially as the episode wore on. A
great idea which put the programme on the map a lot more.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Nine - for the researcher who came up with the idea.
SHOULD THEY INVITE IT BACK? It's probably had its soul removed by some
greasy spoon cafe owner by now. But what an epitaph it must have!
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS: Former head of the Trades Union Congress.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus quoted Willis's "Who's Who" entry in
which he listed his recreations as painting, pottery - and canals, adding that
he wasn't sure what he did with them or how many he had in his collection.
BEST QUOTE: Completed the headline "IVANA TRUMP DENIES AFFAIR
WITH ______" with "the following".
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Willis is an unassuming, very softly-spoken figure who
also appeared very nervous the first time he spoke, needing a reassuring nod
from Angus before he continued. He
was also interrupted on many occasions as he tried to make contributions to the
show. Creased up when Angus
accidentally called him 'Normal' when summing up the scores.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Willis did just enough to prove he had the ability to
amuse and satirise, but he suffered from the presence of Lord Parkinson
opposite, who had far more attention paid to him. Sadly, Willis didn't help himself by being nervous to go any
further than obvious answers, and also on occasions he showed he hadn't really
done too much research. He was
disappointing on the whole, though some of it wasn't his fault.
He should have imposed himself more.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Five.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
No, nor will they, as he is long out of the public eye and well into retirement. Presumably on a canal.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Prolific film director and notorious reviewer of restaurants for a variety of publications.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus referred to Winner's threat two years earlier to
sue the show for claiming he wore dirty underpants, a libel he had now repeated.
BEST QUOTE:
After making a patriotic contribution about how much he
admired Churchill, Paul asked about the ex-PM's drinking habits.
Winner replied: "Oh yes, he was pissed as a newt."
ANECDOTES:
During the Missing Words round, Ian started making
jokes about the quality of Winner's films, which the director giggled off
uncomfortably.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He immediately made a predictably limelight-hogging
impact on the show, throwing a pair of signed Y-fronts to Angus following his
intro. He sat to one side
throughout the show, as opposed to facing the desk, and looked somewhat aloof,
as if he didn't feel he belonged there.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
It was a good idea in principle to invite Winner, as
they knew he would accept owing to his shameless wish to self-promote, therefore
allowing the underpants case to be settled once and for all, which it was.
Following that, Winner hardly said a word.
He was very disappointing indeed.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Five and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK? No.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Television
chef on light-hearted catering shows such as BBC2's "Ready Steady
Cook".
INTRODUCTION:
Angus said Worrall-Thompson had made 140 dishes for Carlton Television, which
served them right for having Pavarotti as a guest.
BEST QUOTE:
On hearing of a dish which involved cooking a placenta with shallots and garlic,
blended then put on toast, which got sickened gasps from the audience,
Worrall-Thompson said: "I would have added a little red wine myself."
ANECDOTES: Revealed that he was once part of a cross-Channel
swimming team.
GIVEN A HARD TIME? No.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He was wearing one of the most preposterous items of clothing ever seen on the
show - a waistcoat decorated with white rabbits.
Unbelievably, Ian didn't mention it.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Worrall-Thompson has become a star owing to the liking for cooking programmes on
TV in recent years, and he proved to an extent there was more to his appeal than
being handy with a fish slice.
But it was a disappointing episode in general, through no fault of his,
and he actually emerged as probably the one participant who came closest to
salvaging it, with a few smart comments here and there.
But the whole episode was a damp squib - watchable of course, but hardly
the stuff that legends are made of, unlike many other editions.
Worrall-Thompson did well enough to gain credit, but all in all, it
wasn't the best all round.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Yes, to give him a chance to show what he can really do when the regulars are in the right mood.
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