APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Maverick
but forward-moving hereditary peer, who was lucky enough to retain his seat
shortly after filming the show.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
mentioned that the Earl had recently presented a show on BBC Radio 3 in which he
played garage, house and thrash metal, so they won't ask him to fill in on Test
Match Special again.
BEST QUOTE:
"At
the turn of the century, the Church of England were pro-fox hunting and
anti-buggery, now they're pro-buggery and anti-fox hunting."
ANECDOTES:
Nothing
specific, though he was asked a lot of questions about life in the Lords.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
As
he appeared, the Government were deciding which of the hereditary peers would be
axed and which would remain, which gave Ian the chance to do a "throat
cut" action which amused both the Earl and the audience. Fellow guest
Glenda Jackson toed the party line by constantly barracking him but he took it
in his stride. A clip of his "modern music" show on BBC Radio 3 was
also played, though there was no smart comment made afterwards and it got
approving applause from the audience.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Though
clearly a privileged man, the only signs of his rich upbringing was a slightly
plummy accent and an extraordinary outfit which included something which seemed
to be neither a cravat nor a tie, but something resembling both. The Webmaster's
working class roots are showing here. Full marks to him for knowing more about
the Spice Girls than Jackson, and admitting to finding them "totally
delicious". Of all the peers who have guested on the show, he was the only
one whom Angus referred to as "my Lord" or by his title and surname.
We never did find out his Christian name.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
If
they invited him on to show that not all hereditary peers were out of touch and
useless, they got it spot on. If they invited him on merely because he was
topical and an easy target, they were way off. The Earl was charming, witty, not
snobbish at all and took all the jibes in his stride and responded with a few of
his own. He got on very well with Paul and had a unashamedly loud guffaw at some
of his captain's witticisms. The two exchanged a hearty handshake at the end of
the show. Ian later said that the Earl was one of the most entertaining guests
the show has ever had. There speaks an expert.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
He'll
never be topical again, but why not? He was funnier and more relatable than half
the MPs who have ever appeared.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS: Liberal
Democrat frontbench MP.
INTRODUCTION:
On his first appearance, Angus referred to Opik's desire to have Welsh birth
certificates issued to children born outside Wales, which seemed rather cruel;
second time round, Angus said that three years ago, Opik broke his back in
twelve places, as well as his ribs, sternum and jaw, which was the last time he
pinched Ann Widdecombe's bottom
BEST QUOTE:
On future US president George W Bush, Opik said: "He says he has only been
out of the United States twice - and one of those was Disneyland."
ANECDOTES:
Told of how he managed to get the Government to set up a task force on the
possibilities of an asteroid hitting the Earth. He added that Opik's
Asteroid was named after an ancestor of his who was an asteroid enthusiast.
He also admitted after questioning from Angus that he once ran a ladies'
shoe shop, brilliantly hitting back: "Did you want some? I normally deal
with people like you by mail order..."
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Clearly Angus wanted to rib him about his previous job as a ladies' shoe shop
owner but Opik quickly gained the upper hand. Also looked slightly peeved when a
round covering the summer's party conferences totally ignored the LibDems own
conference, though again he laughed at the jibing which followed. Fought back
superbly when Ian accused a politician who defected from the Conservatives to
the LibDems of desperation - Opik replied: "That's not very nice. It's only
because we rejected your application."
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Was game enough to laugh loudly at a moment when Ian and Paul exchanged F-word
riddled gags, and also made a sly, thinly disguised joke about Peter Mandelson's
sexuality. Like Charles Kennedy, he was unafraid to have a dig at his own party.
COMMENTS FROM THE
WEBMASTER:
A pair of fine performances all round from Opik, who is rapidly becoming one of
the LibDems' most charismatic and high-profile figures. He showed a cutting wit
and a daring sense of topicality and understood what was expected of him on the
show. He also slashed to pieces any attempts at ribbing from all three
protagonists and emerged not just unscathed, but on top. His second appearance
was slightly more polished, but you couldn't argue with the standard on display
either time. Fantastic.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Eight and a half; nine.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM
BACK?
Yes. There are an increasing shortage of charismatic politicians out there, but
he is one. The fact that he bagged a second invite so quickly after his debut
proves how much esteem he is held in.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
As
Cecil Parkinson, he was a Conservative MP and a senior Cabinet member in the
Thatcher government, regarded widely as her closest ally throughout her years in
power. He joined the House of Lords
after the 1992 election.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said he had been on the show several time but never in person and as a member of
the Lords, he was allowed to drive sheep across Westminster Bridge, though it's
not known how many he would get in the Volvo.
BEST QUOTE:
When
grilled by Ian as to whether he was one of the fallen Lloyd's Names, he
retorted: "I'm not a name. But
if I owned 'Private Eye' I would be."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Yes,
as you would expect. After being
shown footage of Michael Foot's wife campaigning on an open-top bus, Ian said
Parkinson's party abandoned most bus services afterwards.
During the Odd One Out round in which he featured, he was also ribbed
over his supposed flirtation with modelling, which he claimed never happened,
which allowed Ian to ask the audience whether they believed him - "think of
his record! The NHS is safe! I didn't model shirts!" Ian also tentatively
claimed during the same round that "three of those people left the Tory
party after scandals", though he didn't persist.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS: He laughed at absolutely everything.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
After
appearing, Parkinson later told the 'Radio Times': "I found the three
regulars so funny that all I wanted to do was just sit back and laugh.
Obviously one expected to be ribbed somewhat, but it was all rather
good-natured, and I was quite pleased with my performance." That sums it
up. One of Margaret Thatcher's most
charismatic, newsworthy, scandal-hit and recognisable political allies
throughout the 1980s, Parkinson was on a hiding to nothing when he appeared and
indeed, there was some amazement when he agreed to do so.
But, as Ian admitted later, he was charming and likeable, dispelling the
image that many politicians are humourless.
Conservatives are generally the politicians who make the least impact on
the show. Parkinson was quite the
opposite.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
If
he's willing to go through more of the same (which he probably would) then
definitely.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Leader since 1990 of the Scottish Nationalist Party, the political group aiming
to gain independence for Scotland, although he announced in the summer of 2000
that he was set to step down.
INTRODUCTION:
First time round, Angus said he was a stubborn, single-issue politician with a
chip on his shoulder about the English, unless you were watching in Scotland, in
which case he was a pertinent and witty guest with an interesting slant on the
devolution issue; on his second appearance, Angus quoted Salmond as saying
that Labour's Scottish MPs were Scottish on the outside but with Union Jack
underpants - not sure how he found this out; third time round, Angus said he was
a media pundit and critic, apart from in Scotland where he apparently is some
sort of politician.
BEST QUOTE:
When he showed a remarkable knowledge of the Teletubbies, he added: "Well,
Parliament doesn't start until the afternoon!"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Inevitably, when he referred to 'the whole SNP', Ian replied: "That's just
one of you." Footage was shown of him in a recording studio singing
"Rowan Tree" for his party's "Songs of Independence" CD
though any plan to rib him about it backfired, as the laughter was at a minimum
and he got a thunderous round of applause afterwards, although Paul did try to
satirise it as a drunken pub singalong at closing time.
After freely telling that Sean Connery gave his party £40,000 each year,
Ian asked if it covered everything, which didn't provoke Salmond as probably
hoped.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
He seemed to know a hell of a lot about Angus, including the birthplace of his
mother, which prompted the host to ask why he had researched so much into him.
Salmond didn't just laugh when he found something funny - he bellowed to
the point of corpsing, particularly during his second appearance when there was
a long-running joke about the recently disgraced Lord Archer.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Salmond is in a fiercely principled political position as the man leading
Scotland's campaign to get total independence, so his decision to come on the
show has to be admired. He
performed well and had a good sense of humour and one or two good gags.
While not the best performance from a politician on the show, it wasn't a
bad one either, and he stands close to Kennedy, Kinnock and Livingstone as truly
good political guests.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight, eight and seven.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
After he quits, definitely. The removal of leadership duties may force a few decent stories out of him.
APPEARED:
KNOWN
AS:
Opinionated Labour MP who became Minister for Overseas
Development after the 1997 election victory. Famous for trying to ban
topless pictures of women in newspapers.
INTRODUCTION:
Angus
said Short was a politician who in the past has tried to ban Page 3 girls, so it
was good of her to stand in for Samantha Fox tonight.
BEST QUOTE:
When
discussing innumeracy of youngsters using a monetary puzzler concerning a 10p
doughnut, Short said: "I think they've probably never SEEN a doughnut for
10p!"
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
A
couple of sly remarks were made about the Labour Party abandoning socialism.
Angus compared the party to "hard-line capitalists" and Ian
announced that the Russians had realised that socialism didn't work.
Short just grinned and said nothing.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Seemed
to be not in possession of a sense of humour at the beginning, but after
settling in, she had a damned good laugh, particularly at Paul and fellow guest
Nick Hancock.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER: Short took a while to settle in but
considering she was something of an unknown quantity in the humour stakes,
particularly as she often cut quite a dour figure on TV, she came up trumps
eventually with a few smart comments and an appreciation that she and her party
would take some stick which, at the time of her appearance, they were more than
used to anyway. She finished the
show very well, both with her contributions to a terrific Missing Words round
and her laughter at the others.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Seven and a half.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HER BACK? As a Government minister, they never would
because it would constitute political suicide were she to accept.
But rest assured that if they asked her the moment she left the front
bench, whenever that may be, she would accept like a shot.
Sir David STEEL MP/LORD STEEL of AIKWOOD
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Leader
of the Liberal Party from 1979 to 1987, which twice formed election alliances
with the SDP in the 80s. Went to
the Lords after the 1997 election, and was also the MP whose bill made abortion
legal in the UK. He was credited -
though not introduced - as Lord Steel of Aikwood in his second appearance.
Also presiding minister of the Scottish Parliament.
INTRODUCTION:
First
time round, Angus quoted Steel's predecessor Joe Grimond as saying he enjoyed
being David Steel, which was just as well; on his second appearance, Angus said
Steel once survived a head-on collision with a lorry, which was what you get for
being 'middle of the road'.
BEST QUOTE:
Talking
about his journey on the new Channel Tunnel link, he said: "The air
conditioning broke down, the bar ran out of drink, the passengers broke the
windows, so it was just like British Rail anyway."
ANECDOTES:
When
a clip of a record he made in 1977 was played, Steel revealed he did it in a New
York studio, in the middle of the night. He
also told of his time as the head of a pro-hunting committee, though was at
pains to point out that while he supported the cause, he never took part in any
hunting. Furthermore, Steel
revealed that the Austrian far right-wing leader Jorge Haider was actually once
a liberal, though had defected with some devastation.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
In
his first appearance, a film clip during Angus's opening link was shown in which
Steel was at a photocall, wearing a chip shop worker's outfit and pouring salt
on to a cone of chips. Angus billed
it as "a disappointing opening ceremony for the new Planet Hollywood.”
A dog licking his ear was shown for the caption competition, which
allowed Ian to satirise Steel's famous election soundbite into "Return to
your constituency - and prepare my dinner.”
Steel laughed at both. Second
time round, Steel groaned at Angus's 'middle of the road' intro and fought back,
stating the joke was so old it was due a telegram from the Queen.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Unlike
Charles Kennedy, Steel was happy to smile at a joke about Paddy Ashdown's sex
life during Angus's opening link, presumably because Steel wasn't on the way up
politically any more.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
Steel
has always been one of those politicians conscious of the need to move with the
times, and this was shown unreservedly in both of his appearances on the show.
He understood fully the nature of the programme and joined in superbly,
with a nice line in humour and even an involvement in a running joke about
Angus's supposed promiscuity in the Missing Words round.
Paul seemed to enjoy having him there, while Steel himself also appeared
to have fun. He was never
hysterical, but still dryly humorous all the same.
MARKS OUT OF TEN:
Eight and eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
Definitely, though pair him with Paul again.
They seem to get on.
APPEARED:
KNOWN AS:
Conservative backbench MP who is one of the high-profile anti-Europeans in the party.Angus
said Taylor was in favour of hanging, birching, flogging and caning, and that
was just for parking offences.
BEST QUOTE:
Just
before a special round called the Taste Test, in which he and Paul were required
to taste three brands of water including two which were the subject of health
scares, Taylor said: "Is this quite safe? We've been told we mustn't have a
by-election on any account."
ANECDOTES: None.
GIVEN A HARD TIME?
Ian
grilled him about his anti-European views and his willingness to see the Cabinet
quit if Taylor and the other Tory rebels voted against the EC. Taylor's
ramblings about the faults of Europe made Paul pretend to fall asleep, check his
watch was still working and mimic the act of hanging himself.
OTHER OBSERVATIONS:
Taylor
seemed quite competitive when he actually remembered when he was on a quiz,
shaking hands with Paul each time they got a question right in the opening
round.
COMMENTS FROM THE WEBMASTER:
His
ramblings may have been an utter bore, but Taylor came across as a decent and
principled politician who at least had a stab on occasions at taking part in a
quiz and joining in the fun. And he will go down as one of the show's legendary
guests for his surprising announcement that he was a huge Bob Marley fan - it
even earned him a spot presenting the prizes at the National Reggae Awards. He
was seen to shake his head at some of the more vulgar jokes, but overall he had
fun and earned respect for sticking to his guns at his own political expense,
even if he did confuse the show with "Question Time". And Paul will be
grateful for his presence in the Missing Words round, as each line was taken
from a Euro-bashing speech by a Tory MP, which Taylor had memorised, and
therefore won them the match.
MARKS OUT OF TEN: Eight.
SHOULD THEY INVITE HIM BACK?
If Europe isn't on the agenda, yes. Mind you, it would soon be put on the agenda by Angus or Ian if he did return
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