"Good
evening and welcome to the BBC's entry for this year's 'Most Promising News Quiz
Featuring Four Panellists Sitting In A Semi-Circle Award'."
FIRST BROADCAST: 24th December 1991
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Harry
Enfield; Paul Merton
& Clive
Anderson
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Harry: The Gulf War
Paul & Clive: The Russian coup
Ian & Harry: The missing Mirror pension funds after Robert
Maxwell's death
Paul & Clive: The on and off-field antics and injuries of Paul
Gascoigne
Scores: Ian & Harry 4; Paul & Clive 4
ROUND
TWO - TABLOID HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘DAVID PHONED AND
SAID SOCRATES HAD JUST ASKED HIM TO SAVE THE WORLD’
Ex-sports presenter David Icke's claim to be the Son of God
Clive: ‘IF SHE'S A TART
I'LL GIVE HER THE BOOT’
Chancellor
Norman Lamont rents out a flat to a relief masseuse
Harry: ‘GOD'S COP GOES
WITH A ROCKET’
The
controversial retirement of Greater Manchester chief constable James Anderton
Ian: ‘BRILLIANT
ADVERTISING...OR JUST A TACKY ATTEMPT AT FREE PUBLICITY?’
An advert by Benetton featuring a new born baby
Scores: Ian & Harry 9; Paul & Clive 8
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Harry - jewellery tycoon Gerald Ratner's gaffe about shoddy goods
Paul & Clive - Edwina Currie sues the Observer after they compare her to an
adulteress murderer
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Harry - old footage of Norman Lamont
Paul & Clive - old footage of Neil Kinnock
Scores: Ian & Harry 13; Paul & Clive 12
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Frank Bruno; Steve Davis; Anna-Maria Gascoigne; a pantomime horse
(Davis, as all the others were appearing in panto that year)
Clive - Ian Hislop; Arthur Scargill; Kenneth Baker; Basil Brush
(Basil,
as all the others had been prosecuted for contempt of court)
Harry - Edward VIII, Princess Michael, David Bowie, Benito Mussolini
(Princess Michael, as all the others had connections with fascism)
Ian - Prince Philip, Heile Salassie, James Anderton, Emperor Hirohito
(Anderton, as all the others are worshipped as Gods)
Scores: Ian & Harry 16; Paul & Clive 17
ROUND SIX - ROYAL HEADLINES:
Paul: ‘PRICE OF BONKIN' MISS
TONKIN’
Mark
Phillips sires a love child
Clive: ‘SSSSH! ONE'S THINKING’
Princess
Anne asks for the Charing Cross tannoy system to be switched off as she was
thinking
Harry: ‘OPERATION FOR PRINCE’
Prince
William has neurosurgery after being hit by a golf club
Ian: ‘A 4-STAR CHARLIE’
Prince
Charles is taken home from Czechoslovakia in a limousine after a speech about
fuel economy
Scores: Ian & Harry 18; Paul & Clive 23
ROUND SEVEN - FILM CLIPS II:
Ian & Harry: Pavarotti concert in Hyde Park
Paul & Clive: Dangerous dogs to be billed under new laws
Ian & Harry: The mystery over corn circles
Paul & Clive: Bill Wyman and Mandy Smith get divorced
Scores: Ian & Harry 22; Paul & Clive 27
ROUND EIGHT - MISSING WORDS:
Ian & Harry:
BOSSES PUT LAMONT IN __________
BIRMINGHAM SIX DETECTIVES TO __________
KINNOCK SCORNS TORIES AND LAYS OUT __________
LONDON ZOO OFFERS PLAN FOR __________
7,500
PITS BULLS STILL TO JOIN __________
Paul & Clive:
FERGIE BOWS TO QUEEN'S BAN ON __________
KILROY IS RETURNING TO __________
HATTERSLEY POURS __________ ON MAJOR'S LEADERSHIP
ORKNEY CHILDREN ARE FLOWN HOME TO __________
BUG
IS FOUND IN MIRROR FINANCE CHIEF'S __________
Final Scores: Ian & Harry 26; Paul & Clive 31
"Good
evening and welcome at the start of 12 hours of unbridled delight. I refer not
to the programme, but the period of time in which we have no Government."
FIRST BROADCAST: 9th April 1992
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Rory
Bremner; Paul Merton
& Alan
Coren
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Rory: Party political broadcast for the Conservative Party
Paul & Alan: Party political broadcast for the Labour Party
Ian & Rory: Party political broadcast for the Social Democratic
Party
Paul & Alan: Party political broadcast for the Natural Law Party
Scores: Ian & Rory 4; Paul & Alan 4
ROUND TWO - ELECTION PERSONALITIES:
Paul - independent candidate Lord Buckethead
Alan - Scottish Nationalist Party candidate and sex changee Sandra McRae,
formerly Stephen Rae
Rory - dismissed Labour militant David Nellist
Ian - disgraced Conservative candidate Alan Amos
Scores: Ian & Rory 8; Paul and Alan 5
ROUND THREE - CONNECTIONS:
Ian & Rory - celebrities on the Conservative endorsement list
Paul & Alan - Labour MPs advised to keep a low profile
ROUND FOUR - ARCHIVE:
Ian & Rory - Roy Jenkins asked complicated economic question by teenage
schoolboy
Paul & Alan - David Owen in "Max Headroom" style party political
broadcast
Scores: Ian & Rory 12; Paul and Alan 8
ROUND FIVE - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Andrew Lloyd-Webber; Vince Hill; rock giants Emerson Lake &
Palmer; Rolf Harris
(Harris,
as all the others have recorded election music)
Alan - Ken Dodd; Ken Barlow (actor William Roache); Ken Livingstone;
Steve Davis
(Livingstone,
as all the others are Conservative supporters)
Rory - Sir Robin Day; Jeffrey Archer; Ted Dexter; Jimmy Edwards
(Archer,
as all the others unsuccessfully stood as MPs)
Ian - Claire Rayner; John Mortimer; Robbie Coltrane; Gandhi
(Gandhi,
as all the others are Labour supporters)
Scores:
ROUND SIX - MISSING WORDS:
Paul & Alan:
MOST __________ WOULD VOTE FOR TORIES
LIB DEMS REAP REWARD FOR CLEAN __________
KINNOCK LURES FLOATERS WITH __________
POLITICIANS SHOW SIGNS OF __________
THATCHER
STILL A FACTOR AS HEATH GOES __________
Ian & Rory:
OUR CILLA SENDS MAJOR TO HIS DATE WITH __________
I MADE __________ SAYS KINNOCK
TORIES SEE HURD'S __________ AS BIG PLUS WITH VOTERS
PADDY WAVES __________
HESELTINE
FAILS TO FIND THE __________ IN HIS KNAPSACK
Final Scores: Ian & Rory 20; Paul & Alan 22
*For winning, Paul and Alan got a "Je t'aime J.M." official
Conservative campaign T-shirt, while the losers got two.
"Good evening and welcome to our annual analysis of all the years' most crucial news events, or to put it another way, a random mop-up of all the stories we forgot to include when they happened."
FIRST BROADCAST: 24th December 1993
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Griff
Rhys-Jones; Paul Merton
& Bob
Geldof
ROUND ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Ian & Griff: Prince Charles and Princess Diana get divorced
Paul & Bob: Peace initiatives in Ulster, South Africa and the Middle
East
Ian & Griff: The conflict in Bosnia
Paul & Bob: Sporting calamities involving the abandoned Grand
National, the England football team which failed to qualify for the World Cup,
and chess player Nigel Short, beaten in the world final
Scores: Ian & Griff 4; Paul & Bob 4
ROUND
TWO - COURT DRAWINGS:
Paul & Bob - George Michael's lawsuit against record company Sony
Ian & Griff - caterer Claire Latimer's libel suit against Scallywag and New
Statesman over allegations about her and John Major
ROUND THREE - WHAT HAPPENED NEXT?
Paul & Bob - panda rips off man's denim jacket through cage bars
Ian & Griff - Beijing mistakenly celebrates getting the 2000 Olympics
Scores: Ian & Griff 4; Paul & Bob 12
ROUND FOUR - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - Donder; Dasher; Rudolf; Blitzen
(Rudolf,
as all the others were original reindeer helpers of Santa in "The Night
Before Christmas")
Bob - a rat; a bikini; Good King Wenceslas; a veloceraptor
(the
veloceraptor, as all the others have had songs written about them)
Griff - Father Christmas; a turkey; Tinkerbell; the seven dwarves
(the
turkey, as all the others have been the subject of political correctness)
Ian - Lord Lucan; Glenn Miller; Shergar; Father Christmas
(Father
Christmas, as all the others have no known burial place)
Scores: Ian & Griff 6; Paul & Bob 18
ROUND FIVE - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: BIG ONES MONTHLY
Ian & Griff:
MAJOR HAS __________ UP HIS SLEEVE
WOMAN'S ENTIRE __________ VANISHES!
DIANA BACK ON __________
GROUP
4 TO CONCENTRATE ON __________
Paul & Bob:
__________ IS THE WORLD'S SEXIEST WOMAN
CLINTON SAID ORAL SEX WAS __________
SMITH LAYS OUT __________
WORLD'S
BIGGEST __________ WEIGHS 407 POUNDS!
Final Scores: Ian & Griff 10; Paul & Bob 23
"Good
evening and welcome to the Christmas edition of 'Have I Got News For You', and
if you have just come in from the office party, yes I'm afraid you did say that
and no they won't have forgotten by the time you see them again in
January."
FIRST BROADCAST: 23rd December 1994
TEAMS: Ian Hislop & Alexei
Sayle; Paul Merton & Kelvin
McKenzie
ROUND
ONE - FILM CLIPS:
Paul & Kelvin: Chief of defence staff's affair with Lady Buck
Ian & Alexei: The trial of OJ Simpson
Paul & Kelvin: The Gillian Taylforth libel trial
Ian & Alexei: Man floods Illinois to stop his wife discovering
his adultery
Scores: Ian & Alexei 2; Paul & Kelvin 6
ROUND TWO - ODD ONE OUT:
Paul - William G Stewart; David Tredinnick; the Spanish Inquisition;
Perry Mason
(the
Spanish Inquisition, as all the others are involved in asking questions for cash)
Kelvin - Camilla Parker-Bowles; Clint Eastwood; Ian Paisley; the Duchess
of York
(Parker-Bowles,
as all the others have been ordered out of people's houses)
Alexei - William Scott aged 7; Kelvin McKenzie; Tony Benn; the Maxwell
brothers
(Benn,
as all the others have appeared before Parliamentary select committees)
Ian - Mohamed Al Fayed; Ernest Saunders; Buster the Dog; Sir Teddy Taylor
(Taylor, as all the others have taken cases to the European Court of Human
Rights)
Scores: Ian & Alexei 5; Paul & Kelvin 8
ROUND THREE - BACK TO BASICS ADVENT
CALENDAR:
(Six numbered squares - three containing political sleaze stories for points,
three containing seasonal images for no points)
Ian - No.1 - Jeffrey Archer's share dealing in Anglia Television
Paul - No.4 - snowman
Ian - No.2 - Alan Duncan buying council house on the cheap after lending his
elderly neighbour the money for it
Paul - No.5 - stocking
Ian - No.6 - Stephen Milligan found dead wearing ladies' underwear with a
plastic bin-liner over his head and a drug-soaked Satsuma in his mouth
Paul - No.3 - teddy bear
Scores: Ian & Alexei 11; Paul & Kelvin 8
ROUND FOUR - MISSING WORDS:
Guest Publication: None
Free for all:
__________ TAKE DIFFICULT JOURNEY INTO PRIESTHOOD
IAN PAISLEY OPENS __________ IN WALES
UPROAR AS GIANT PIG __________
VENABLES PUTS HIS FAITH IN __________
ACROBATIC
__________ FOR HISLOP
Final Scores: Ian & Alexei 13; Paul & Kelvin 11
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