(Series 3, Episode 2)

A: In the meantime, there's the small matter of the rest of the programme, starting with our Headlines round. One each for you to initially spot and then elaborate upon, beginning with yours Paul:

P: This is the - what are they called - Lloyds Bank, aren't they? They want to take over the Midland Bank.

A: There's another battle going on, or at least another takeover bid, for an extra point.

J: Shanghai Bank.

A: Very good. Hong Kong and Shanghai Bank.

J: It's just a little wooing going on.

I: They're worried someone else will get in there and lose money!

P: Lloyds are just being a little bit coquettish, aren't they?

J: I think they are.

P: Not quite returning those phone calls as quickly as they should be. 'Well, I'm busy on Saturday night, I don't know, you'll just have to find out later on!'.

A: Lloyds deny that it's a takeover, preferring to see it as a merger which they say will be illustrated by the new name, putting the first part of their name - Lloyds - with the second part of the Midland's, to create the brand new name, Lloyds Bank.

Midland are eager, however, to retain their identity in the slogan, which they insist should be "at the sign of the listening horse".

For the logo, they have found a new animal combining the features of a horse with the sharp teeth and claws of a griffin.

PICTURED:  Janet Street-Porter  

Joan, put us in the picture - what's this?

PICTURED:  Joan's tabloid headline

J: 'For Women'.

P: Soft porn.

J: It's a soft porn magazine...

P: Limp porn!

J: It's a soft porn magazine aimed at creating sexual arousal in women without showing it in the men.

I: It's going to be a terrific flop, isn't it?!

J: Hang loose, hang loose!

D: I've seen this magazine actually. I didn't buy it, obviously.

I: No, obviously.

D: I stole it from a newsagent's out of the back pocket of a nun, and it is actually very disappointing, because there's nothing. You can just see it's just page after page of flaccid 'peni'. Is that a word - 'peni'?

A: It's a word now, I think!

D: It is

A: You've just explained it!

J: Are men going to buy this magazine?

I: Well I bought it for research purposes earlier in the week. It was called 'For Women' and I thought 'that'll be interesting!'. But it wasn't - it was about twenty five blokes.

A: Yes. Bit of a let down.

P: I bought a copy of a magazine called 'Men Only' the other day and there weren't any men in it at all! Old gag, Chiswick Empire, 1954.

A: Yes, it was nice to hear it again!

Features in this first edition include a guide to vibrators, a manual on oral sex - if that's not a contradiction in terms - and a middle-page spread...

P: Tongues will wag!

A: Ooer!

There's also a parade of celebrity bottoms featuring rear views of Kevin Costner, Mel Gibson and Don Johnson, and a head and shoulders shot of Jeremy Beadle.

A: Donna:

PICTURED:  Donna's tabloid headline

D: This is a very sad story about a woman who fancied firemen. She actually was so desperate for a bit of a look at some firemen that she set fire to her neighbour's house.

A: It's incredible but it's true.

D: And sadly she was arrested before the firemen got underway, and she was being pulled away by the police and she was saying "Ooh, what are they wearing? What are they wearing? What do they look like?"!

A: Yes.

Just hope that she never falls in love with any radiation experts, and blows up Sizewell B because she likes their nice asbestos suits.

Finally Ian:

PICTURED:  Ian's tabloid headline

I: Oh, it's a very unfair story about whether television chat show hosts should wear wigs. No, it's not that at all!

A: Nothing to do with it!

I: This is about whether judges should wear wigs, and this headline seems to have missed the point - it's not the wigs that are held in contempt, it's the judges. They've decided they'll improve their image by taking their wigs off, and there are some other things they can try - staying awake is good!

A: Yes. It's unlikely though.

I: And the next time I appear before you - I love you all!

A: And it won't be long, I can tell you!

It is indeed the legal profession, which has suggested doing away with wigs and gowns for civil and commercial actions but retaining them in order to preserve their anonymity for traditional rituals, like hanging around King's Cross at two in the morning.

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