A: And so we shift uneasily into round one. Two pieces of shoddy camerawork per
team - what story are they attempting to convey? Ian and Caroline, where and how
much?
PICTURED: Film footage of the Windsor Castle, Buckingham Palace and a public lavatory.
I: Group Four's annual barbecue.
C: No, that's Windsor Castle burning. That's Buckingham Palace.
I: Not burning, yet.
C: Not burning, but you're going to be able to go in there. Oh, that's a loo
they're going to install so you can pay ten pound and watch the Queen have a
pee.
I: Windsor Castle burnt, and the public were meant to pay for it, but the public
said 'we're not going to pay for it', so the Queen said 'fair enough, I'll set
up a fund' which no-one gave any money to because they didn't want to pay for
it, but she never gives up! So now she's come up with a brilliant wheeze
that she'll open Buckingham Palace and the public can pay eight pounds to see
the things that they've already paid for with their taxes! So, 'on your right,
the staircase where Diana fell down'.
A: Yes, it's the news that Buckingham Palace is to be opened to the public
for eight pounds a time. There will be special reductions for the unemployed, so
Prince Edward will get in cheap.
Every visitor will have access to all but the Royal family's most private rooms.
That's unless he's Michael Fagin or a Texan.
It has also been announced that the public will now be charged admission to
Windsor Castle, so when it was in perfect condition it was free, now it's a
burnt out shell it costs three quid. Fair enough.
Paul and Baz, who and why?
PICTURED:
Film footage of Morris dancers, motorway traffic jams and men clad in leaves
P: Oh, this is the new Interflora Dial-A-Prat service.
B: This is a traffic jam. Ah, someone I know!
I: Oh, it's Richard Branson!
B: Jolly green giant!
P: That's what happens if you eat all your spinach!
B: This is to do with the Government's attempt to try to stop May Day. The
Government wants to bring in Trafalgar Day in October. That, of course, will
upset our European partners.
I: What - because they got stuffed?
B: Yes. Something like that, yes!
A: Have you ever worked for the diplomatic service?
B: I think you could be right!
A: It's the argument about whether or not to keep the May Day Bank Holiday.
Those in favour say it's crucial because it's the day when Morris dancing
traditionally takes place. Those against say it should be abolished, for exactly
the same reason.
The protest marchers, many of whom were Morris dancers, descended on the Houses
of Parliament. Historically, Morris dancers have apparently been regarded as
fertility symbols, and presumably there's nothing more fertile than someone who
hasn't had it for weeks because he's wearing a top hat and breeches.
Among the revellers were Mad Jack's Dancers, the Hampshire Garland, and the
so-called Loose Women of Maidstone. Once they turned up there was no trouble
getting the MPs' attention.
Ian and Caroline, who and how on earth?
PICTURED:
Film footage
includes Asil Nadir, an aeroplane, and a donkey in
the Middle East
C: Grapefruit.
A: Well spotted.
C: Thanks!
I: Another grapefruit.
C: That's the plane he never got on.
I: Oh, and that's his getaway vehicle! Too fast for the Serious Fraud Office!
C: That's right! This is the man from Del Monte, he say 'no'! It's Asil Nadir.
I: 'No, I'm not going to face trial'.
C: 'Absolutely not. I'm getting on a plane'.
P: Didn't they have a tip-off that he was going to leave the country on Sunday?
C: Sunday, yes. He left on Tuesday.
P: Yeah, completely fooled them!
C: Yes!
I: I like the fact that he was a major donor to the Conservative Party. Doesn't
that make you feel cheery?
B: And isn't there a funny suggestion that he was helped on his way?
I: What, they let him go? Oh, come on! I don't know what the Daily Mail will
think of that sort of reasoning!
A: It is Asil Nadir, who has flown to Northern Cyprus, jumping his three and
a half million pound bail which he was originally granted on the condition that
he stay in Belgravia. I wouldn't mind being on bail if I had to stay in
Belgravia.
It turns out that the DPP, the Lord Chancellor and the head of the Serious Fraud
Squad are also in Cyprus for a conference on fraud. Well, if they need a guest
speaker...
The first company he bought was a cash-and-carry business - how prophetic that
turned out to be.
Paul and Baz, we need information.
PICTURED:
Film footage includes clips of the Berlin Wall coming down and a spy
P: The new rubber pickaxe. Who's nicked the wallpaper?
B: Oh, this is that East German guy, Marcus Woolf...
P: Oh yes?
B: ...who's a bit upset (unsure) - isn't that him?
P: Yeah it's him, yeah.
A: And what does Marcus do, Paul?
P: What do you mean 'what does he do'? He used to work for the East German
secret service and there was a suspicion that John Le Carre used him as one of
the characters in "The Spy Who Came In From The Cold" but John Le
Carre has denied it was in fact this man, as he named the character after his
lawnmower...
I: What rubbish! Hand the question over!
PICTURED: Ian insists that the question is handed over
A: Damn. Yes, it would appear to be right, yes.
P: I'm awfully sorry. It was just a fluke!
A: Yes, it's former East German spymaster Marcus Woolf, now on trial in the
West for basically doing his job too well - not a problem that would ever arise
at MI5.
One of Woolf's ploys was to seduce unsuspecting secretaries with a team of
so-called 'Romeo' agents. Must have been a bit of giveaway, having them
wandering around in hose, declaring their love to women on balconies.
B: I thought he gave them presents of soap or something. Some sort of soap
that's currently being advertised.
I: What, Paul Merton advertising Lifebuoy?
P: It's not Lifebuoy, it's Cooper's Soap, the soap you can trust! You can
leave it with fifty quid on the mantelpiece, and you'll come back and it'll
still be there!
PICTURED: Paul sings the praises of Cooper's Soap...
I: Unlike Asil Nadir soap. Fifty quid - gone!
PICTURED: ...while Ian demonstrates how rapidly fifty pounds can disappear
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