A: So let the battle of wills commence. Our first round is just that - Paul and
Will, your question to boldly answer.
PICTURED:
Film footage of the Mars probe
P: This is the story about Mars I think. That's the thing that was meant to land
on Mars but we don't know if it has or not.
W: Yeah, we think it may have crashed.
P: Yeah.
W: The aim of the thing that was sent to Mars was to send back...
P: A pizza!
W: ...a radio signal from Mars.
A: It was to allow mankind to hear what it was like on another planet.
W: Mmm.
A: So what is it like on another planet, Will?
W: It's a sinister sort of parallel world in which everything is exactly the
same on this planet...
P: ...apart from you.
W: Yeah, apart from you. You're beautiful!
A: And what has happened to this...
P: We don't know. It's refusing to talk to us.
W: Yeah.
I: It's just crashed, hasn't it? It's in a gutter somewhere having fallen over.
A: There is an official explanation, which is...
B: Do you believe in the little men of Mars?
I: Ace reporter Bill Deedes!
A: I don't have a particular angle on the little green men, Bill! Could you fill
us in on it?
B: Mmm...what?
A: It may have fallen asleep, was the project manager's explanation.
So yes, this is the failure of NASA's latest project, the Mars probe.
According to the Observer, one Russian probe was also lost after it reached Mars
in the middle of a dust storm, although it did manage to send back a single
featureless video picture of static. Scientifically worthless, but it was
shortlisted for the Turner Prize.
Ian and Lord Bill...
PICTURED:
Film footage of John Prescott in India, the Taj Mahal and the London Underground
I: Ah, yes.
B: Ah. I think we have Mr Prescott in India here. Mr Prescott's return from
India was notable - he came back via the Heathrow Express, and then he took the
Underground.
I: And when is he due back?!
B: That's not his usual form. He has, you recall, a Jaguar?
I: A Jaguar? Two Jaguars.
B: Two Jaguars.
A: So he's now 'Two Trains Prescott'?
B: No, the trains belong to somebody else!
A: Oh right!
B: Yes.
A: And so who is he blaming for all these stories about him in the Press?
I: Oh, it's someone who hates him, briefing against him - it's the Prime
Minister isn't it?!
A: Well, Mandelson actually...
I: That's what I said!
A: According to the Independent, Prescott 'sees Mandelson's hand in everything'.
So were you hounded when you were a minister like this Bill? You were Minister
for Housing.
B: Not really, no. I was a very small Minister for Housing.
I: Bungalows, was it?
B: I did...what did I do? Er...
I: Weren't you Minister for Propaganda? You were Mandelson in your day!
B: That's a mendacious way of putting it. Er, yes I was!
A: So are you wanting to put behind you the fact that, for example, you resorted
to drugs at one stage? If I could just take you back to the Conservative Party
conference in 1955...
PICTURED: Bill looks worried
A: ...when you were a bit under pressure. You weren't sure how your speech was
going to go down and you resorted, I think, to a couple of purple hearts?
(Bill nods slowly)
B: I didn't inhale!
A: Drugs have always played a part in your life because we have got a photograph
of you here.
PICTURED: Bill dressed as a hippy
B:
That was the year I was a hippy in the office pantomime. I was better the next
year. I did Mick Jagger.
W: Well, that's what Mick Jagger looks like now!
B: I was younger then, I was less responsible.
A: Well, it was thoroughly irresponsible obviously to be high on drugs in front
of a Tory prime minister. Eh, Will?
W: (resignedly) Yes! Absolutely.
PICTURED: Will agrees with Angus
A: This is the enforced return from India of Two Jags Prescott to face
further criticism of his Transport Bill. At a drinks reception in India,
Prescott complained to Sonia Gandhi about the coverage of his trip, saying
"The Press are chasing me, but only for silly things like if I close my
eyes", at which a waiter replied "That's a hat-stand sir, Mrs Gandhi
left half an hour ago".
Paul and Will, your health.
PICTURED:
Film footage of a chest examination, Tony Blair and computers
P: A man being examined.
W: Cough!
P: Ahem! A man being examined.
W: The NHS have opened a call centre where you can phone in and say you've got
problems with backache, headaches and stress, the sort of things that people who
work in call centres get wrong with them. People in one call centre call the
other call centre, bit of a vicious circle. But there you go.
P: And you're advised as well to hold the phone against the affected part of the
body, so if you've got piles, the best thing to do is to get someone else to
make the call for you.
W: You can do it online as well.
P: It's called logging on!
W: Log on!
B: Is it private or can other people look in?
A: And so what was Blair doing up north this week?
P: Proving there was no north-south divide.
W: Yeah, he proved that. To everybody's satisfaction.
P: Because he went from the south to the north and back again.
W: He made it. He didn't fall into a great big ravine!
P: There was no chasm!
W: No! That's a myth!
A: Yes. This is the new NHS
Direct online service which allows patients to receive medical help via the
Internet. According to the Mirror, NHS Direct is "all part of Labour's
drive to drag the NHS into the 21st century", thus missing out the 20th
century altogether.
And finally, Ian and Bill
PICTURED: Film footage of Miss World and feminist protests
I: Oh this is Miss World...
B: Aah!
I: ...the competition. Ah, Bill's woken up!
B: Yes, it was won by Miss India. Now the point about Miss India is that she's a
brunette.
W: No kidding!
B: She's the tenth brunette in a row to have won Miss World.
W: So that was a riot by blondes, was it?!
B: Her name is Miss Yukta Mookhey.
I: You got her phone number Bill, by any chance?!
B: Brunettes aren't my thing, really!
I: Really! It wasn't entirely incident-free. There were the usual people there
saying 'this is a cattle market', weren't there?
W: That's right.
B: Wouldn't you expect that?
I: Well, if it was really a cattle market I suppose Miss France would have burnt
everybody else!
B: Yes. I once did go to a Miss World contest and afterwards danced with the
winner, who was Miss Austria. It was disappointing because all she spoke about
throughout our dance was her boyfriend in Vienna.
I: Was this Miss World 1897?!
B: No, it was around the '70s!
A: Was she blonde at all?
B: Er, no. Brunette!
A: Damn!
W: You must have been awfully disappointed!
B: Well, you've never danced with Miss World have you?
W: Me?
B: Have you ever danced with Miss World?
W: No!
P: We didn't spend much time dancing...!
W: No!
B: The difference between you and I - I have danced with Miss World and you have
not!
W: That's not the only difference!
P: I think it is!
A: You've done some modelling, haven't you, yourself?
B: Oh, have I?
PICTURED: Bill trying to remember his days as a model...
A: Oh yes. Only a few years ago we can see Bill modelling for Versace. There!
PICTURED: Bill modelling his Versace suit
P:
Very nice.
B: Can I just make it clear - I am not any form of transvestite!
P: Oh come on, everybody's some sort of transvestite!
PICTURED: Paul declares universal transvestitism
B: I was younger, I was foolish, it was the spring...!
A: This is the furore surrounding the return of Miss World. According to the
Guardian "whilst parading in a sequinned bikini top and skimpy briefs, one
contestant declared her ambition to be a High Court judge". Well, she's got
all the right gear.
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