A: So one headline each is now all our panel have as a clue to the accompanying
tabloid story. Paul, the usual high standard of word play for you:
P: This is thing where they test new makes of aircraft, new designs of
aeroplanes. They fire frozen chickens at them at sixty miles an hour to test the
plane's ability to withstand being hit by a frozen chicken, because more planes
are lost through hitting frozen chickens than almost any other cause.
A: It's irritating to concede that that is absolutely right. Two full marks.
Frozen chickens were chosen to simulate eagles and vultures that could strike
the plane during a flight. They are the eagles and vultures that fly around
trussed up with string with paper frills on their feet and their heads rammed up
their bottoms.
An airbus spokesman explained: "They explode on the windshield and we can
see what the bones do and how the skin is splattered." Vegetarians are up
in arms and they are demanding they fire aubergine bakes at them instead.
Of course, anyone who has eaten on British Airways would not wait for the
chicken to hit the windshield. They'd be so pleased to see something edible go
past, they'd grab it for their dinner.
Meera, a story within a story for you:
M: Oh yeah, this is the man who superglued his bum. No, it's an easy mistake to
make, I've done it myself many times. In fact sometimes it's the only effective
way to say 'no', if you know what I mean. In fact, this is the second case of
'annus horribilus' this week!
P: He sat on the Labrador and the Labrador got stuck and on the way to the
hospital the Labrador bit this old man on the leg and wouldn't let go and so the
three of them walked around like that for about a week. It became a tourist
attraction in the end. They got a grant from the council. There's T-shirts you
can buy now...
A: Yes, thank you! Thank you Paul!
P: Commemorative dinner plates!
A: Yes, later that same month!
P: Happy birthday Olive!
A: Yes, it is. Two full points.
It's the objections in Parliament over Press treatment of a Mr John Bloor who
accidentally superglued his buttocks together - a sort of crack and glue
epidemic of a different sort.
The story appeared the next day under the headline "OUR JOHN'S GONE POTTY,
AND GLUED UP HIS BOTTY". And the Financial Times wasn't the only paper to
cover it.
The glue, which his wife had been using to mend a shoe, was evidently in the
bathroom next to his haemorrhoid cream. As a result of the mix-up, the shoe has
now been admitted to hospital with an anal disorder.
Chris, ye olde headline for you:
C: This is Bill Wyman's protest about a souvenir shop being planned overlooking
his bedroom.
A: No it's not.
I: This is a plan to site a gift shop in the cradle of democracy.
C: Yes.
I: Which, as anyone knows, is Athens.
A: Yes.
I: Or it's the House of Commons.
A: Which one are you going to go for?
C: Bill Wyman!
I: Frank Bough usually pleases you!
P: Really? I didn't know that! Does Eric know about this?
A: The answer is that part of the Houses of Parliament is to be turned into a
shopping mall with craft stalls, beefeaters and olde tea shops. Annie's Bar,
where MPs meet journalists, is to become a female changing room. What's the
betting Paddy Ashdown gets the office next door and buys a drill?
And finally in this round Ian, another madman across the water:
I: It could be Gadaffi paying the Queen's bill for Windsor Castle.
A: Is this likely?
I: Well, he likes a bit of fire damage!
A: Paul and Meera?
P: He's, sort of, making...he's going to pay...he's said he's going to pay all
the people of Libya ten thousand pounds each or something.
I: That's just stupid!
A: Well, he still said it! Yes, you're right.
It's Colonel Gadaffi, who has announced that every family in Libya is to be
given ten thousand dollars. Would never happen over here. He also said that
there would be no salaries, no employees and no services. Ah, not quite so
different then.
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