A: So welcome to Round Two, as indeed anyone is. This week, in an effort to reach out to regional viewers, a round solely dedicated to buildings in London, as featured on our Silhouettometer.
PICTURED:
The Silhouettometer
A: Trevor, our token Lord Mayor candidate tonight, is first up, so let's watch
the board as we go round the houses.
PICTURED: Accompanied by the 'EastEnders' theme
tune, the Silhouettometer selects an outline
T:
This is the proposed Assembly building, built by Norman Foster.
A: We can reveal it now we have got it.
PICTURED:
The first London landmark is revealed
P: Lovely!
T: There is a bit of a problem with this building though, as Foster obviously
designed it before the survey came out that said that a fifth of British workers
are bonking on their desks all say. The
first thing I'm going to do as Lord Mayor is - you know you can't stop bonking -
but put in some curtains.
P: It looks like one of those machines you get in chip shops that kill
insects.
I: Anyway, it's your office is it?
T: No, no, no, the whole thing isn't my office, just the top floor there.
A: Yes.
T: It's going to have lots of curtains in it!
A: And why might it not be the Mayor of London's office?
T: Well, Trevor might not win! I
don't know if it has occurred to him.
T: No, no, that's not allowed.
I: I can see Red Ken there in the drawing.
Just on the top floor!
T: Well, you have to have somebody to operate the lifts!
I: That's Jeffrey Archer, surely?
A: No, in fact it's that the Government has no right to tell the Mayor of London
where to put his office so you don't have to necessarily go along with these
plans.
I: Oh, you could stand up to Tony and say "No Tony"!
Imagine it Trevor!
A: Bill, your turn to put a name to a shape.
PICTURED:
The next silhouette is selected
B:
This is one of those new, er, stealth buildings isn't it?
P: That's right!
B: Some kind of, er, like a car park, er, stroke polytechnic, er, university,
er, toilet, er...
P: Is it the MI5 building?
A: You're very close, yes. It's the
MI6 building.
P: Well, I knew it in the old days!
B: That's next door!
PICTURED: Picture of a large riverside building is shown
A: And why has it been in the news?
I: Are they going to repaint it? A
sort of "Changing Rooms" special?
A: They have stopped the Bond film using it as a backdrop for a boat chase.
P: Would you ever get the boats in and out of the corridors?
A: The reason that they banned it was that it might give away the location -
of one of the most distinctive landmarks in London! It was Robin Cook who lifted the ban.
I: Saying it was a bit silly?
A: He said: "After all James Bond has done for Britain, it was the least
I could do for Bond.” He doesn't
exist Robin! He's fictional!
Ian, it's your chance to pit your wits against our Silhouettometer.
PICTURED:
Ian's selection
I: Well, that's the Houses of Parliament, with a bit added on to it. Is the eight zillion pound new building that MPs have voted through as their new offices?
PICTURED: Photograph of Parliament, complete with new extension
A: Yes, it's called Portcullis House. And
how much has it cost?
I: It costs eighty eight million billion.
A: It is actually the most expensive office block per user ever built in the UK,
and they spent 1.2 million pounds per MP that's going to use it.
P: Oh no!
A: And the plants in the courtyard alone cost two hundred thousand pounds.
I: How much do the secretaries cost?
A: Slightly cheaper!
P: Where are they getting their plants that cost two hundred thousand pounds?
A: Columbia, I think! Paul, you too
have a peculiar shape.
P: Thank you!
PICTURED: Paul's landmark selected
P: It's the stump of a tree isn't it? That's
been eating Ready Brek! I don't
know what it is.
A: We can tear away the silhouette and have a look at it.
That'll help.
PICTURED: Paul's photograph of a large, blue front door
I: It's Richard Curtis's house.
P: He uses it in "Notting Hill Gate", the new film, and he is
coincidentally selling his house and the hope is, well I don't know if it's the
hope, but he might get an extra windfall because people say 'I want to buy that
house that appears in "Notting Hill Gate"' and he wrote the film so it
would be that this is a way of trying to sell his house.
A: Yes. And what happens there in
the film?
P: Let me see - that's where Hugh Grant lives.
I: Have you seen this film?
A: I have seen this film.
P: Is it good?
A: Yes, oh a fantastic film.
I: Well why are you asking us what happens in a film which only you have seen?
P: Yeah, good point! Let's kill
him! I smell blood!
I: I think we'll ask the questions. So
what was Liz Hurley's dress like exactly? Did
she look a right old slapper?
A: I don't remember actually seeing it to be honest, until I saw it in the
papers the next day.
I: Were you not there then?
A: Yes, but I wasn't staring at her dress!
P: Why not? Are you coming out?
Nothing wrong with that!
A: Something happens in that house that made it even more valuable, which is
that...
I: You went round for dinner!
A: No, although I have. Hugh
actually shags Julia, that's where the sex scene takes place, in that house.
I: Oh good, well we wouldn't know that because we haven't seen it.
P: You've spoilt the film for everybody now!
A: And Hugh, you obviously didn't read about it, wore flesh coloured thongs for
the scene.
P: What colour were these flesh-coloured thongs? It could be a racist remark!
PICTURED: Trevor remains quiet...
A: The colour of Hugh's flesh!
P: Oh, Hugh's flesh? Know him well
do you?
A: Played football with him.
P: Oh, you've played football with him!
A: Seen him in the showers!
P: So, er, you are coming out then!
A: There was a burning issue of the day that was reopened by Julia Roberts'
appearance at the premiere.
P: Hair underneath the arms. In
Britain it seems to be an unpopular thing but on the Continent, you know, women
just wear hair under their arms, nothing wrong with that.
B: Yeah, sometimes they plait it! And
weave it into a little basket!
P: Yeah, where you can carry apples and sundry goods. You can tune it!
PICTURED: Paul and Bill Bailey 'play' their armpits...
A: We can actually see a picture of it, there we are.
PICTURED: Julia Roberts displaying her underarm hair
P: Well that's all right, what's wrong with that?
B: That's not hair though is it? That's
a tiny little vole she's trained to squat very very still!
A: But there is another reason why property prices are soaring in Notting Hill.
Peter Mandelson is moving out, who was your best man, of course, wasn't
he Trevor?
T: I think this business about me and Peter Mandelson, it's all envy actually
because I am the only person in public life who has shared a room with Peter
Mandelson. I think people are
tremendously envious. People keep
asking me what he's like.
A: So what's he like?
T: Charming! Got hair under his
arms.
A: Yes. And you never see him and
Julia at the same time do you?
P: Are you suggesting Peter Mandelson starred in "Pretty Woman"?
T: Don't go there!
A: It is Hugh Grant's house, as featured in the new film "Notting
Hill" which premiered this week. At
the party Liz Hurley upstaged everyone by arriving, according to one fashion
designer, "in a low-cut, see-through, backless outfit split open to the
waist.” Surely 'stark naked' is
the simpler way to describe it.
Talking about romance, Hugh Grant described how his libido dramatically
increased when he was outside England. "As
soon as I go to Paris or Italy I become a different man" - presumably in
case he has to give his name and address to the local vice squad.
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