A: For Round Two this week we welcome the world of tabloid journalees as we would welcome a rabid dog. Two rank examples of the sub-editor's craft to identify. Paul and David:
P: Yes. We know this one, don't we?
DS: We know that one.
A: Oh dear!
DS: Next question?!
P: This is...somebody was planning to make...I think made a jacket.
A hundred hamsters have gone into this jacket, and, you know, animal
rights protestors have said this is terrible, and Geives and Hawks, I believe,
are the names of the tailors, the Savile Row tailors...
DS: 'Jeives', I think you'll find it is. (Paul
pronounced a hard G instead of J)
P: Is it Jeives?
DS: Could be. Sounds more like it.
P: How is it spelt?
A: G-E-I...
P: Ah, that's the thing that threw me you see.
I was following the letters!
A: So Geives and Hawks, yes that's right. And
what have they been responsible for?
P: So let me see - how do you spell Geives? G-E-I-V-E-S?
PICTURED: Paul notes the correct spelling of "Geives"
A: Yes.
P: Was there a special day at school where they wrote all these names on a
blackboard? I must have been off sick! So it's the tailors, they've made a 'gacket'
out of a hundred hamsters.
A: Yes. Would you like to see what
it looks like?
P: Yes please.
A: So would we but unfortunately we're not allowed to show you.
P: Why?
A: Because we phoned up Geives (hard
G) and Hawks.
I'll mispronounce their names because they wouldn't allow us to show it.
DS: But it was in the papers. You
could have taken a photograph from the papers.
A: No. We would be sued.
I: What, by the hamsters?
A: Sent to prison! In fact, we might be able to look at what we think it might
look like.
PICTURED: The "Have I Got News For You" parody of the hamster jacket...
DS:
Not the same one!
P: That's a very big hamster head isn't it?!
I: That's the most useful thing anyone has ever suggested to me you do with a
hamster. I've got no sympathy with
hamsters. They just sit in cages.
We've had loads of them. They
just sit in there, and then they just die on you and upset everyone! At least
this way they get made into a coat. I'm
all for it!
P: That's not the hamster's fault, the fact that they sit in cages.
People put them in there - that's like saying Rudolf Hess, all he does is
sit around in prison all day!
DS: You know about the politician who was shouted at because his wife was
wearing a fur coat and somebody said 'do you know what creature had to suffer
and die so your wife could wear that?' and he said 'yes, my mother-in-law!'.
But this anti-fur thing could spread.
I mean, what is going to happen with peers' robes?
A: Yes.
I: Who's Piers Robes?!
DS: They're made of...would you explain to him, Paul?
P: Peers' robes, you know, the ermine.
DS: You're there. Do you know what
it's made of?
I: Gerbils!
DS: What?!
I: (hard G)
Gerbils!
P: No, he was Hitler's propaganda minister! It all comes round in the end!
A: Yes. Well it's made of ermine
but you can choose either white rabbit or to have fake fur, can't you?
DS: Well, all the new ones are fake. If
you look at Jeffrey Archer's one!
A: Aren't you chairman of the Pro-Hunting Lobby?
DS: No, no. That's a previous life.
A: Right, sorry - WEREN'T you chairman of the Pro-Hunting Lobby?
DS: Yep.
A: So you're quite in favour of killing defenceless animals?
DS: I'm...
A: Perhaps you'd like to chase hamsters over fences!
P: Perhaps if you get a horse on a wheel and a hamster on a wheel and they could
chase each other like that!
DS: I've never chased anything over a fence unfortunately, but I did support it,
yes.
DH: You have to hunt hamsters if the kids let them out!
I: You don't actually. What you do
is you get the cat, and the cat will find the hamster for you!
DS: That's cruel!
A: You know you'll get bricks through your window now!
I: From you? No, this is a way of RESCUING the hamster.
DH: There's no way hamsters can pick up bricks! No way! Little tiny things!
P: No - if they collaborate!
DH: Ha! Yeah, one breezeblock between two of them!
PICTURED:
Dominic puts himself in the hamster's position...
P: Yeah!
DH: Walking around north London - 'where does Hislop live?'!
A: Yes. There are several
advantages of using hamsters in tailoring - not only is the fur
machine-washable, but they turn the spin-drier round themselves.
Back to Top / Back to Transcripts Intro Page / Back to Intro Page
