A: Many of us read a tabloid newspaper without stopping to think, which is probably just as well. Two examples of journalistic genius. Paul and Patrick:
PAT: Ah yes, I know what that is. So-called planetary conjunction of May 2000,
where the planets are line up and they're forecasting tidal waves and storms.
Utter and complete bunk! Nothing will happen at all. And now we're approaching
the Millennium (puts monocle on) every crackpot is coming out of the
woodwork! The whole lot - astrologers, flying saucerers, creationists,
conspiracy theorists, the whole lot. The planets do line up - we won't even see
it - and the effect is absolutely nil.
PICTURED: Patrick puts on his monocle
PAUL: Do you think there is life on another planet somewhere?
PAT: I'm sure there is, but nowhere near us.
PAUL: No.
PAT: A hundred thousand million stars in our galaxy, there must be one. There's
probably another show going on just like this somewhere!
PAUL: One where Ian constantly wins!
PAT: The point is, the planets do have gravitational pulls but the only things
that affect us are the sun and the moon. The pull to the planets is so slight it
can't even be measured, therefore the cumulative effect is nil.
A: Wouldn't you normally show us using tennis balls and bits of fruit?
PAT: I could so yes, but I think if I'm right, the gravitational pull...
PICTURED: Angus hands Patrick a bowl of fruit
PICTURED: Patrick arranging the fruit into a line to represent planets
PAT: The pull to the planets is about the same as the gravitational pull of a
bus going within half a mile of you.
A: So where are we?
PAT: (picks up a pear) That's the sun, right...
PICTURED: Patrick
demonstrates the 'sun'...
PAUL: What's happened to Uranus?
PICTURED: Paul enquires as to the whereabouts of Uranus...
PAT: We're number three.
A: You haven't used Saturn yet. (hands over a liquorice allsort) There
you are.
PICTURED: Patrick examines his 'planet'
PAT:
What am I supposed to do with Saturn? Don't tell me.
A: So that's it. They just line up like that.
PAT: They do, more or less.
I: And nothing happens?
PAT: No, nothing happens at all.
I: No fruit salad, or...
PAT: No, no! Someone made a prediction of tidal waves and earthquakes 20 years
ago but they obviously hadn't done their homework. Nothing at all.
A: But there was an earthquake in Iran, wasn't there? In 1962.
PAT: Nothing to do with the planets, I can assure you.
PH: That's association - you're not a scientist, are you Angus?
A: No.
PH: There's cause and effect, and there's association. That's an association,
you wouldn't understand that.
PAUL: You come along here with your bowl of fruit, and you think you're Isaac
Newton!
A: I'll take them back then!
PAUL: And how many times has that sentence been uttered in anger?
A: Once!
PAT: I don't believe him!
I: I'd drop the subject!
A: Yes, just about to.
This is the prediction that Jupiter and Saturn will align with Mars, Venus
and Mercury in the year 2000, which will cause earthquakes and tidal waves. The
planetary alignments will cause the gravitational forces from the sun to...
PAUL: No it won't! Patrick says it won't!
I: There's not a lot of point getting an astronomer on if you're going to read
out a load of balls!
PAUL: Ian, the correct term is 'spheres'!
I: Spheres? Ah!
A: Good, well that'll deal with that then. We'll just pass on to the next
question! Ian and Phil, your rotating line is:
PH: It's some cardiac surgeons, back from some freebie jamboree junket conference type thing, and someone on the flight - I think it was a German flight - had a heart attack, and the hostess said (effeminately) 'is there a doctor on the plane?'...
PICTURED: Dr Hammond displays
his effeminate side...
PAUL: That's very good!
PH: All these cardiac surgeons put their hands up, which is amazing as normally
when you're a doctor on the plane and someone says 'is there a doctor on the
plane?' you hide! So I can only imagine they were as pissed as farts! (throws
hand up drunkenly) Yes! And they all came forward. He had a heart attack and
they had forty different diagnoses before they did it, but the amazing thing,
apparently, is that they were given some freebie samples at this conference,
which had probably only been tested on mice, and they got their freebie samples
and whacked them in, and the bloke lived, and he is the luckiest man alive!
PICTURED: ...then suggests inebriation in eminent, airborne cardiac surgeons
A: Ian, you had an appendicitis, didn't you? On one show that we did.
I: I did. I was sitting here next to Mariella Frostrup and I felt this terrific
pain, and then I got appendicitis. No, I did, I went off and lay on a trolley in
a corridor.
PH: Did they give you a rectal? Because the interesting thing that a lot of...
I: I beg your pardon?!
PH: In my days as a doctor, it was routine. Anyone who might have appendicitis,
they used to give you a rectal examination to see if you had an awkward lying
appendix because they could feel the end of it. But they only do it now to
patients they particularly dislike! So you have Hislop lying on a trolley and
they're finding who's got the biggest finger, and they'd line up and the South
African registrar with the biggest would go right up to the spleen!
PICTURED: Phil re-enacts examination per rectum
A: It's the lucky escape of Klaus Schmidt, is his name. Mr Schmidt remained unnoticed for several minutes after his heart attack. Airline staff saw him slumped lifelessly in his seat and just assumed he had selected 'The English Patient' as his in-flight movie.
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