AD: Let's toss a tabloid headline or two in your general direction, beginning with Paul:
P: Is this...gangsters in Japan, to prove their manhood, cut off their little finger, and then, you know 'I am a gangster like you, look'.
PICTURED:
Paul contemplates his fingers
G: And what - are they cutting off their toes now?
P: No.
Some of them regretted it and there's a surgeon who's grafting on toes
instead of fingers.
He'd put a big toe there, which makes picking your nose quite difficult
because of the circumference of the toe against the
nostril.
AD: Yes, I picked that up.
Thank you.
P: Is that right?
AD: Incredibly, it's true.
It's Tokyo doctors who are now offering to graft toes on to the stumps that
are left when Japanese gangsters cut off their little fingers in a ritual when
they join the Mob.
This enables them to shake hands like a normal person, although they do
tend to fall over in the process.
The operations are part of a scheme by the Japanese authorities to introduce
reformed gangsters back into society and get them jobs in business.
So next time you do a deal with a Japanese businessman, have a good look
between his fingers for those tell-tale signs of athlete's hand.
Griff, an unorthodox claim for you:
G: It's not me is it? This
is Paul Daniels, isn't it, because I read the News Of The World on Sunday and he
is claiming that he does tricks, just like Jesus, in fact.
What he's saying is that all of Jesus's - I nearly said 'tricks' there -
but all of Jesus's miracles were in fact the sort of tricks any old conjurer can
do.
So we have the miracle of sawing the woman in half, which we all
remember, and the miracle of pulling doves out of a hat.
I: And vice versa.
The last Paul Daniels show was brilliant.
The resurrection of Lazarus, did you see that on his last TV show?
P: Perhaps we should crucify Paul Daniels!
G: It does imply that Jesus was a bit of a mug, because he didn’t work the
miracle of having eight million viewers on a Saturday evening at eight o'clock
on BBC1.
AD: It also implies that he may have been bald and from the Midlands.
P: Doesn't have quite the same ring about it really - Jesus walks across the
water, ably assisted by the lovely Debbie McGee.
AD: It is Paul Daniels, who claims that Jesus Christ was just like him, so
presumably Christ broke bread at the feast of Canaan, turned water into wine and
spoke unto the crowd, saying: "And that's magic!"
Daniels claims that anything Jesus did, such as walking on water, he can emulate
in the 20th century.
Well, 40 days in the wilderness would be a good start.
Anne
AR: This is Princess Stephanie.
AD: Possibly.
And possibly not.
AR: Oh!
PICTURED: Anne Robinson's surprised reaction
G: It's not the Filipino waiter is it?
AR: No!
AD: I'm afraid it is!
AR: Yes it is!
G: Hooray!
PICTURED: Griff celebrates!
I: Why oh why oh why, does Griff Rhys-Jones not let Anne Robinson answer the question? I don't pay my licence fee to watch Griff Rhys-Jones being rude!
PICTURED: Ian composes his letter to "Points Of View"
P: Oh, I do!
G: And I don't pay my licence fee!
AD: Well you've started so you had better finish I suppose.
G: Well, I believe Cecil Parkinson is the father, and that's about it.
It's an unfortunate man who is giving birth to a baby.
AD: It's Filipino Edwin Bayron, whose stomach descended, who started to grow
breasts and developed a craving for Mars bars.
His doctor told him he was turning into Paul Gascoigne.
Born a hermaphrodite, Bayron decided to have an operation when it was discovered
his vaginal passage was covered by a penis.
Any woman who has come into contact with Bill Wyman will know the
feeling.
PICTURED: Paul surprised!
AR: Hey, that's really dirty! Horrid!
Horrid!
P: Dear Points of View, I do not expect Bill Wyman's penis to be thrust down my
throat!
G: Is the programme over already?
P: Is that the time?
PICTURED:
Paul and Griff check the time
G: I think we've run out of time already!
AD: Ian, your question:
I: Well, it's obviously from one of the tabloids because it's totally
illiterate.
Perhaps we could rearrange the order of the words - Charles Riddle Di
Book.
No, still not helping!
Anne?
AR: This is Tesco's turning down the Royal book by Andrew Morton on princess
Diana, but Asda, who isn't sucking up to the palace, they're quite happy to have
the book on their shelves.
G: Maybe Marks and Spencer's will return them as well, if you bring them back!
AD: Yes it is...
I: This is Andrew Morton's book, which is meant to, erm...
G: Oh well, better late than never!
AD: Welcome back Ian!
I: I thought if you cut in here it would look like I knew the answer!
P: Can I just interrupt here - is it Andrew Morton's book?
Because if you cut in there it would look like I know the answer!
AD: Yes, and I could...
I: Since Paul doesn't know the answer, it's Andrew Morton's book!
AD: Well I could cut in here - no, none of you have got it right!
Yes, it's the decision by those world-famous booksellers Tesco's not to put
Princess Diana's biography on sale in their stores.
Apparently a number of senior Royals could have applied pressure, having
close links with Tesco's.
Fergie is president of their Action Research charity, Diana was guest of
honour at a private banquet for Tesco bosses, and Prince Edward is often seen
hanging around the cake counter with a couple of cream puffs.
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