A: Jo, the latest instalment of:
J: Er, well I don't know if it is actually about this, but I'd like it to be
because it's a good story about that woman in America who cut off her husband's
penis while he was asleep because he hadn't put the shelves up very well or
something like that.
P: She should have just used a spirit level!
J: And then actually what she did was she drove off and threw it out of the
window and the police had to go and find it.
I: The shelf?
J: No, the penis!
I: Oh, sorry!
J: And apparently he has had it sewn back on.
And his name was Wayne Bobbit, and it's now Wayne Bobbit Very Gently Or
It Might Fall Off.
P: I thought they'd found it after it had been run over by a bus, so it's wider
but flatter. He uses it as a
bookmark!
J: He actually uses it as a shelf now!
P: I suppose it was confusing - it's out on the road somewhere, go and find it
and sort of like just sew a hedgehog back on.
That's what actually happened and he complained after three days because
it kept making holes in his underpants.
A: Where did you read this?
P: In Fantasy Land! It'd be
terrible if your sexual organs were a hedgehog though, because they would go to
sleep every six months. Mmm, so
what's new? You'd have to give it a
saucer of milk every half hour. Underpants
manufacturers would eventually adapt it into the design.
Would be awful. You know
people make a terrible fuss about women breastfeeding in public - I mean, you
would soon have something to complain about if we had to take our trousers down
in five minutes and put a saucer of milk down there. And breadcrumbs.
A: It is the latest development in the continuing saga of Lorena Bobbit, who
took things into her own hands and severed her unfaithful husband's penis.
Michael Jackson has already put in a bid for it.
I: Why?
P: Why?
J: Is it because of the tattoo?
A: Might be.
J: It is because of the tattoo. Sorry.
A: No, it was a complete red herring. Erm,
it is...
P: I thought we'd established it was a hedgehog!
A: Yes!
P: That'd be terrible if your private parts were a fish.
You'd have to keep it in water the whole time.
I: Yeah, and they'd never go to sleep!
P: You'd have to walk around with a goldfish bowl full of water strapped on.
And if you went swimming someone might accidentally catch it and you'd be
up on a line. God knew what he was doing!
A: Just as well it isn't then!
P: Could be a giraffe.
A: Half an hour on a giraffe?
P: Not now, I haven't got time! I
wouldn't mind half an hour on a giraffe though. Very sexy animals, giraffes.
A: You don't have to tell me.
P: Yeah, they can see the police coming, so by the time they get there, you can
go 'no'! I used to go out with a
giraffe. Used to take it to the
pictures and that. You'd always get
some bloke behind complaining that he couldn't see the screen.
It's a giraffe mate, what do you expect? Well, he can take his hat off for a start!
PICTURED: Paul looking 'innocent' as
the police arrive to catch him with a giraffe
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